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Author Topic: what goes on in the mind of a replacement  (Read 500 times)
BrokenFamily
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« on: November 27, 2014, 11:37:13 AM »

My replacement was a co-worker of my ex for quite some time before our breakup. I knew they talked and were friends on Facebook. She even told me she felt sorry for him because he asked out a few girls where they work and felt sorry for him. I'm not the jealous type and foolishly I trusted her after all we have a great life and a child together.

It was only a day or so after the breakup and she was seeing him, I was understandably upset and asked her what she see's in a guy making minimum wage, that lives with his mommy and has no car. She insisted he's just a friend and needs time to figure things out. Almost 3 months later she believes he is her future.

I understand he's amazed having a beautiful girl interested in him for the first time but isn't he seeing warning flags?

I'm sure he sees hundreds of pics of our happy family on Facebook right up to the day we broke up. I'm also sure she is telling him I'm abusive her family is abusive and playing an award winning role of the victim but it just doesn't add up.

They have already had several fights which her immediately apologized for and his family (sister and mother) seems to be logical intelligent people why aren't they seeing that if me and her family are so horrible that either me or her mother are always watching our child and my ex is uninterested? How can't they see that she's blaming me her family and all her friends for all that's been wrong in her life and takes zero responsibility for any of it?

It just puzzled me how people can be so oblivious to the obvious.

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billypilgrim
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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2014, 11:47:18 AM »

I understand he's amazed having a beautiful girl interested in him for the first time but isn't he seeing warning flags?

I don't mean to be flippant here but did you?  I sure as heck did but I explained it away.  I made excuse after excuse.  And there were some things that I completely missed that I've only noticed since the breakup (therapy has helped). 
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Lion Fire
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« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2014, 11:55:51 AM »

with my ex, her replacement (I'm certain there is one because she has left me alone for 3 months) is most likely intoxicated by her sex, the fantasy world of dreams and hopes that are built on quicksand and being her idol. I was the same, entranced by the illusion. It will change, of that I have no doubt, and he will become another casualty. It's a matter of when and not if. I could bet my last cent on this. My ex will not be able to hold down any intimate relationship until she does some serious healing on her own. She is not capable of being on her own because she'll have no one to feed off and will have to face herself and her past.
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2014, 11:57:12 AM »

I thought that same thing but at the time... .She was single for a few months, didn't have a family she abandoned and daughter she was neglecting. I knew her family prior to our relationship so I agreed she was abused but didn't pickup on the fact that she only had one true friend who she didn't treat much like a friend at all. This guy and his family must be oblivious!

I know it's meant but I hope she feels so awkward at his family dinner tonight without her daughter seated around the table with a bunch of strangers.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2014, 12:03:01 PM »

Broken family .

Mine lives in another state ,broke like hell , she can't even ask the new guy for a penny why ?

I think he is in like your ex's guy , looks like they love misery .and that's her future husband she said same like you , he respect her and treat her right .

As far as his family don't see it yet because she is an expert of lying and faking , it's just how they are and you know that as much as I do and that's why we ended  right here am glad we're not in a metal institution .

It will all go away with time .
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2014, 12:06:37 PM »

It will change, of that I have no doubt, and he will become another casualty. It's a matter of when and not if. I could bet my last cent on this. My ex will not be able to hold down any intimate relationship until she does some serious healing on her own. She is not capable of being on her own because she'll have no one to feed off and will have to face herself and her past.

I thought that in the beginning but realized she was with me 4 years, her previous ex 5 years. She's a huge pain in the butt and difficult to deal with but over all an amazing beautiful person. Maybe the juice will be worth the squeeze for him?

I've also considered since she didn't heal between relationships as she did prior to ours that she's a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment.

I've also considered she will dump him because he's a loser and has nothing to offer her but I was wrong there , it's been almost 3 months. Oddly she is still adding new guys on Facebook and liking their pictures? She flipped on me for accidentally liking a girls pic and dumped him early in the relationship for it. But she's always been  hypocritical in every aspect of her life.
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« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2014, 04:19:10 PM »

I've also considered she will dump him because he's a loser and has nothing to offer her but I was wrong there , it's been almost 3 months. Oddly she is still adding new guys on Facebook and liking their pictures? She flipped on me for accidentally liking a girls pic and dumped him early in the relationship for it. But she's always been  hypocritical in every aspect of her life.

My ex moved in roughly about 4-5 months after we met and pregnant with D8. I was on the computer and back when MSN messenger was still around in '05 a female friend sent a message and it popped up on the computer screen. My ex noticed I was talking on MSN. I hadn't talked my friend for awhile and she was asking how I was doing. I didn't understand my exes behavior at the time, she was accusatory and was making it sound like there was more going on than there was. She didn't dump me per se that was 7 tumultuous years later. It was close to a borderline rage, the anger was disproportionate for the situation. I guess it was our first fight looking back on it now and the idealization phase was over by this time.

She fears rejection and abandonment and she was triggered. It really had nothing to do with my conversation with a female friend.

Who knows how long it will last? I could work if he doesn't trigger and what his disposition is like. It raises serious red flags for me when your in a committed relationship with someone and they are adding men on FB and liking pictures.
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« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2014, 04:42:19 PM »

I try to pray for my replacement as my jealousy of her is not at all comfortable.  I wonder if she thinks of me as much I think of her.
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Tiepje3
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« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2014, 04:49:14 PM »

My replacement was a co-worker of my ex for quite some time before our breakup. I knew they talked and were friends on Facebook. She even told me she felt sorry for him because he asked out a few girls where they work and felt sorry for him. I'm not the jealous type and foolishly I trusted her after all we have a great life and a child together.

It was only a day or so after the breakup and she was seeing him, I was understandably upset and asked her what she see's in a guy making minimum wage, that lives with his mommy and has no car. She insisted he's just a friend and needs time to figure things out. Almost 3 months later she believes he is her future.

I understand he's amazed having a beautiful girl interested in him for the first time but isn't he seeing warning flags?

I'm sure he sees hundreds of pics of our happy family on Facebook right up to the day we broke up. I'm also sure she is telling him I'm abusive her family is abusive and playing an award winning role of the victim but it just doesn't add up.

They have already had several fights which her immediately apologized for and his family (sister and mother) seems to be logical intelligent people why aren't they seeing that if me and her family are so horrible that either me or her mother are always watching our child and my ex is uninterested? How can't they see that she's blaming me her family and all her friends for all that's been wrong in her life and takes zero responsibility for any of it?

It just puzzled me how people can be so oblivious to the obvious.

As I wrote in another thread: the replacement is probably a nice man/woman who is just like you. He/she will fall for the same person you fell for. He/she will believe the same lies you believed and/or make the same excuses you did for strange behaviour. And there is no need to be jealous (as I was told in a YouTube video by Ajahn Brahm, a Buddhist monk), because loyalty is the most important quality in a r/s and if he/she isn't loyal to you, your r/s wasn't meant to be anyway. Stay strong and focus on yourself! It doesn't matter what other people see or don't see, that is not your responsibility and you also do not have control over what other people think or do.
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« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2014, 04:58:13 PM »

I understand he's amazed having a beautiful girl interested in him for the first time but isn't he seeing warning flags?

I don't mean to be flippant here but did you?  I sure as heck did but I explained it away.  I made excuse after excuse.  And there were some things that I completely missed that I've only noticed since the breakup (therapy has helped).  

Ditto. Not only did I see something was odd, I shrugged it off to some excuse or another, mother of 5, divorce, yada, ya, yada. So, Im going to be flippant. I so dont care one way of another what goes on in the mind of a replacement. Why? Because I was the first replacement to her ex husband. I know what I felt, and I didnt like it. He wont either. Thats why Im moving on.
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Infern0
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« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2014, 10:26:43 PM »

They are conned and deluded just like us.

Guarantee they were told what monsters we were to our exes and how terribly abusive we were.  Guarentee they don't understand how anyone could hurt such a sweet innocent creature.

It's not hard to explain tbh
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2014, 10:58:53 PM »

I second billypilgrim.  It's obvious to us, because we're on the crap-end of it.  :)on't you remember how powerful the pull of that idealization was?  I saw the red flags.  I was young and naive, but they were right there in front of my face... .too many to name.  But I explained them all away, and I thought, "but she *really* loves me, so how could this go wrong?"
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CareTaker
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« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2014, 09:23:03 AM »

Excerpt
what goes on in the mind of a replacement 

Just like I felt. It felt like winning the lotto and you made for life. Yet 6 month later you realize the cheque has no signature, and is worthless. But you hang onto the fantasy hoping some bank might honour it in future. Yet it never happens, and eventually you give it back to her. She then gives it to the very next person who is willing to take it.

A N Y O N E .  .  .  !

Excerpt
Guarantee they were told what monsters we were to our exes and how terribly abusive we were.  Guarentee they don't understand how anyone could hurt such a sweet innocent creature.

This I actually heard from a mutual friend, but dumped them along the way as they got no freakin clue what the ex is like. They only see the make up and the false mask.
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« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2014, 09:46:15 AM »

I just find it better not to say a god damn word anymore except to my very very closest friends and of course my family. Im not going to explain myself any further. In my case, she can spin it anyway she fu*king way she wants, but when Im literally around her kids, family and friends one week and the next week, theres the replacement, who looks like the bigger assho*e? Im so damn done with her bull___ self, her chaos, her smoke and mirror life. Done.
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« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2014, 09:52:40 AM »

Not that we would wish it on anyone (except maybe the person she cheated on us with), but really their life is a testimony to the truth.  It will lure in and manipulate and deceive people for a time, but in the end there will be a swath of carnage in their wake.  The truth has a way of revealing itself.  In the meantime, I will live my own life and not worry about it.
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Infared
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« Reply #15 on: November 28, 2014, 12:17:26 PM »

I understand he's amazed having a beautiful girl interested in him for the first time but isn't he seeing warning flags?

I don't mean to be flippant here but did you?  I sure as heck did but I explained it away.  I made excuse after excuse.  And there were some things that I completely missed that I've only noticed since the breakup (therapy has helped).  

I agree... .that was me too... .I made excuse after excuse. What a fool I was. I knew her for a couple of years and watched her cheating on her live-in boyfriend with a married man. I actually believed that would not happen to me after many many assurances from her at the beginning of our relationship. After living with her for 5 years she ran off with somebody that was related to her work situation. Someone who she had mentioned to me more than once (years later she still denies that she cheated on me... .but it's a known fact)... but I used to be trusting and confident in output relationship. ... .and she was involved with him loong before she left. A BPD rarely goes anywhere unless they have a securely attached replacement. The thought of being alone is not even a possibility.

I am sure she manipulated him, like me, and told him many many lies about me, about her and about our relationship.
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #16 on: November 28, 2014, 12:36:59 PM »

Just go back to the first two months of your relationship.

That's what goes through the mind of a replacement.
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FrenchConnection
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« Reply #17 on: November 28, 2014, 01:15:31 PM »

Just go back to the first two months of your relationship.

That's what goes through the mind of a replacement.

I agree with this.  I thought i was the "love of her life - her soul mate".  That is what she told me.  She said she never knew a love or experienced a love like the one we shared.  She had a way to value me in such a degree that it put me the highest i have ever been.  She would talk bad about every single one of her past relationships.  It was like i was her destiny because i was the first one that made her feel true love and secure.  She even told me i was the best lover she ever had.

Then when our relationship stopped i realized she never meant any of those words.  Maybe she believed it at the time because she needed to feel loved and she needed to feel attached to someone.  Then when we stopped our relationship the first time, she was on the internet signing up on a dating site even before i left her house.  After our recycle ended she had another date with a guy lined up within a week.  True love doesn't go looking to replace itself.  It just means there was never any real love in the first place.  That's why it hurt so much; because i fell in love with her; but then realized i was nothing more than a replacement.  And now i can understand what her new replacement must be feeling in this moment.  He is feeling exactly what i, and everyone here, felt when she put me up high on her pedestal. 
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Infared
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« Reply #18 on: November 28, 2014, 01:31:30 PM »

Just go back to the first two months of your relationship.

That's what goes through the mind of a replacement.

I agree with this.  I thought i was the "love of her life - her soul mate".  That is what she told me.  She said she never knew a love or experienced a love like the one we shared.  She had a way to value me in such a degree that it put me the highest i have ever been.  She would talk bad about every single one of her past relationships.  It was like i was her destiny because i was the first one that made her feel true love and secure.  She even told me i was the best lover she ever had.

Then when our relationship stopped i realized she never meant any of those words.  Maybe she believed it at the time because she needed to feel loved and she needed to feel attached to someone.  Then when we stopped our relationship the first time, she was on the internet signing up on a dating site even before i left her house.  After our recycle ended she had another date with a guy lined up within a week.  True love doesn't go looking to replace itself.  It just means there was never any real love in the first place.  That's why it hurt so much; because i fell in love with her; but then realized i was nothing more than a replacement.  And now i can understand what her new replacement must be feeling in this moment.  He is feeling exactly what i, and everyone here, felt when she put me up high on her pedestal. 

So well said... .and yes... .it is indeed painful. Still is.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #19 on: November 28, 2014, 01:36:39 PM »

Just go back to the first two months of your relationship.

That's what goes through the mind of a replacement.

I agree with this.  I thought i was the "love of her life - her soul mate".  That is what she told me.  She said she never knew a love or experienced a love like the one we shared.  She had a way to value me in such a degree that it put me the highest i have ever been.  She would talk bad about every single one of her past relationships.  It was like i was her destiny because i was the first one that made her feel true love and secure.  She even told me i was the best lover she ever had.

Then when our relationship stopped i realized she never meant any of those words.  Maybe she believed it at the time because she needed to feel loved and she needed to feel attached to someone.  Then when we stopped our relationship the first time, she was on the internet signing up on a dating site even before i left her house.  After our recycle ended she had another date with a guy lined up within a week.  True love doesn't go looking to replace itself.  It just means there was never any real love in the first place.  That's why it hurt so much; because i fell in love with her; but then realized i was nothing more than a replacement.  And now i can understand what her new replacement must be feeling in this moment.  He is feeling exactly what i, and everyone here, felt when she put me up high on her pedestal. 

So well said... .and yes... .it is indeed painful. Still is.

This is why I said I didnt care what was going on in the mind of the replacement. Been there, done that. Still hurt a bit over it.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #20 on: November 28, 2014, 02:42:32 PM »

The new guy can't have any self esteem. Low self esteem at best. Weak boundaries and vulnerable. Like I was.
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fred6
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« Reply #21 on: November 28, 2014, 02:54:01 PM »

I understand he's amazed having a beautiful girl interested in him for the first time but isn't he seeing warning flags?

I don't mean to be flippant here but did you?  I sure as heck did but I explained it away.  I made excuse after excuse.  And there were some things that I completely missed that I've only noticed since the breakup (therapy has helped).  

Ditto. Not only did I see something was odd, I shrugged it off to some excuse or another, mother of 5, divorce, yada, ya, yada. So, Im going to be flippant. I so dont care one way of another what goes on in the mind of a replacement. Why? Because I was the first replacement to her ex husband. I know what I felt, and I didnt like it. He wont either. Thats why Im moving on.

Replacement was flippant towards me, he knew about me and our relationship. So maybe he'll get it as bad as I did. I shrugged off the red flags also. I read something a while back that said if you meet a woman with more than one child by different fathers and has never been married, that you should run. It makes sense to me. Either they are crazy to some extent, they are sluts, or both.

That's my ex, 2 kids, the youngest one with a married guy while sleeping with another guy at the same time, so she needed a dna test. She also claims that she's never getting married and will just be in committed relationships. I guess her idea of a committed relationship was having me at the house to cook, clean, and pay the bills while she's out there banging the meth head looking guy down the street, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I can't figure out what would be more fitting. Replacement seeing the red flags and dumping my ex harshly. Or my ex chewing up and spitting new supply out as badly as she did to me. Is there a third option where they both get demolished, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .
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« Reply #22 on: November 28, 2014, 03:46:11 PM »

Fred6 ... .I can't resist:

" I read something a while back that said if you meet a woman with more than one child by different fathers and has never been married, that you should run. It makes sense to me. Either they are crazy to some extent, they are sluts, or both. "

OR... .they are looking for the next person who is going to be trapped into sending them their 3rd child support check.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am not kidding either... .I know a woman (no I did not date her THANK GOD!) whose mother taught her to do exactly that... .and my friend was the #2 check... .she is pregnant now with #3's baby... so it is only a matter of time for that poor slob. You cannot make this stuff up.
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fred6
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« Reply #23 on: November 28, 2014, 04:10:20 PM »

Fred6 ... .I can't resist:

" I read something a while back that said if you meet a woman with more than one child by different fathers and has never been married, that you should run. It makes sense to me. Either they are crazy to some extent, they are sluts, or both. "

OR... .they are looking for the next person who is going to be trapped into sending them their 3rd child support check.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am not kidding either... .I know a woman (no I did not date her THANK GOD!) whose mother taught her to do exactly that... .and my friend was the #2 check... .she is pregnant now with #3's baby... so it is only a matter of time for that poor slob. You cannot make this stuff up.

I see what you are saying Infared. I think in that capacity that they qualify for the "crazy and a slut" title. Maybe you could replace slut with ___ since money is involved. Either way, multiple children with different fathers and never been married = get out while you can.

I don't want to make it sound like every woman in the world with multiple children by different fathers and has never been married is bad news or a bad person. I just think that it's a gigantic red flag that shouldn't be ignored. I also think that most women that put themselves in that situation are going to be trouble in a relationship eventually. Every single mother that's never been married that I've dated has been "mental" to some extent
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« Reply #24 on: November 28, 2014, 05:29:24 PM »

Fred

"I see what you are saying Infared. I think in that capacity that they qualify for the "crazy and a slut" title. Maybe you could replace slut with ___ since money is involved. Either way, multiple children with different fathers and never been married = get out while you can. "

WOW! You really have me laughing here with that comment.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Too funny.

It's not a funny situation... .but thanks... .I deserve a laugh about this stuff once in a while!

My friend LOVES his daughter... .but that woman has made his life a never ending HELL and inflicted constant damage on that child... .
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fred6
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« Reply #25 on: November 28, 2014, 06:22:46 PM »

Fred

"I see what you are saying Infared. I think in that capacity that they qualify for the "crazy and a slut" title. Maybe you could replace slut with ___ since money is involved. Either way, multiple children with different fathers and never been married = get out while you can. "

WOW! You really have me laughing here with that comment.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Too funny.

It's not a funny situation... .but thanks... .I deserve a laugh about this stuff once in a while!

My friend LOVES his daughter... .but that woman has made his life a never ending HELL and inflicted constant damage on that child... .

A while back I actually had to Google slut and ___ to see the definitions. Because I called my ex a slut and someone told me that I was being mean. But the definition definitely fits her.

Slut or slattern is a term applied to an individual, usually a woman, who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.

I know slut sounds mean but I didn't know another word for it. I have since found the synonyms for slut. Tramp, Floozy, Harlot, Hussy, Vamp, and Tart. I like Floozy myself. However, no one these days use those words. So slut it is. And trust me, I don't use it to be mean. She is what she is. It actually hurts me to call her that. But if the shoe fits?

Ain't it sad that a 42 yo man has to Google these terms to refer to his ex just to be accurate?
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« Reply #26 on: November 28, 2014, 06:30:50 PM »

Hey buddy

I've read after a BPD breakup that they look for an easier mark next time. Its about control why would a lone predator take on water Buffalo when there is a perfectly good wounded gazelle right there in front of them. He knows he's unappealing as proven by the other women in the office... so he will be much easier to manipulate... Toy with and eventually destroy . watch scorned love kills and think to urself could I see killing someone I Dont know for a person I've been with for a couple months and then notice the ones that do tend to be unfortunate looking guys who will do anything these women want... they say they want a king they really want a pawn... life is a game of chess
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« Reply #27 on: November 28, 2014, 06:46:08 PM »

Slut is a good word but in all honesty ___ is more accurate.

It pains me to say it too but that's what they are.

My ex got rid of me because as best I can tell I didn't want to live with her so soon into our relationship because I just didn't think it was a good idea. I said that after 6 months I'd consider it.

Well next thing you know she's with some new guy and next thing she's moved in with him after like a month.

The veil slipped very soon though and the games began.  Wasn't long before she was back in my bed and the replacement is at home having been told she's staying at a friends house.

She got with him for financial reasons and that's it. Probably isn't even attracted to him so I imagine he's wondering why the sex has dried up.  A ___ is someone who sells their body and that's what she did.

I quite pity the new guy because he's dropped a lot of money on her and doesn't have any clue what's coming.

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fred6
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #28 on: November 28, 2014, 07:14:58 PM »

Slut is a good word but in all honesty ___ is more accurate.

It pains me to say it too but that's what they are.

My ex got rid of me because as best I can tell I didn't want to live with her so soon into our relationship because I just didn't think it was a good idea. I said that after 6 months I'd consider it.

Well next thing you know she's with some new guy and next thing she's moved in with him after like a month.

The veil slipped very soon though and the games began.  Wasn't long before she was back in my bed and the replacement is at home having been told she's staying at a friends house.

She got with him for financial reasons and that's it. Probably isn't even attracted to him so I imagine he's wondering why the sex has dried up.  A ___ is someone who sells their body and that's what she did.

I quite pity the new guy because he's dropped a lot of money on her and doesn't have any clue what's coming.

Ha, ha, I like you Infern0.

___ vs slut, what's worse? I guess they are the same, one just gets paid in some way. Actually we live kind of close. When I was going home the other night from taking her kids to early Thanksgiving dinner, her son dropped her 6yo daughter off at the gas station. I saw where they pulled up. Dude had a nice new looking crew cab Chevy. I still drive a 1998 Rodeo with 180K on it. But I sold cars for 10 years back in the day and I drive my $hit into the ground. No payments and no interest is good. I guess I'm cheap, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

When I went to say goodbye to her parents back in July. Her stepmother told me that she was jealous of everyone that had "things". But I took good care of her. She never really reciprocated money wise. In the end I think that she just went with the "bigger better deal" at the time. But the honeymoon will be over one day. That big truck can't fix her problems
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