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Author Topic: His kids are the "replacement"?  (Read 428 times)
shatra
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« on: November 27, 2014, 04:58:19 PM »

Hi

  I have been reading posts on the boards and see many people write that when they broke up, the BP chose a new replacement partner right away... .as far as I know mine hasn't done that. He is in the "quiet" or "hermit" category, doesn't socialize, and is preoccupied with raising his 3 kids====

   My question is, have people found that sometimes the BP does not seek a replacement?  If he is a loner (he was alone for awhile when we met), is it possible that his kids who live with him, or his job, etc. can serve as the replacement where he will distract himself and get strokes of love from them instead of a new partner?

Shatra
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2014, 06:43:25 AM »

My question is, have people found that sometimes the BP does not seek a replacement?  If he is a loner (he was alone for awhile when we met), is it possible that his kids who live with him, or his job, etc. can serve as the replacement where he will distract himself and get strokes of love from them instead of a new partner?

Hi Shatra, I'm not really sure where your question is leading as far as your own self-care goes?

I don't personally know any Dad's who are 'preoccupied' with raising their children, while a job is pretty essential.

Do you feel that he devoted more time to raising his 3 kids and his job, than to your relationship?

I think you might get a better response from the leaving board.
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hopeful+trying

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« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2014, 07:04:02 AM »

Yeah I'd say it's possible his kids are providing a distraction for him. Everybody is different and he may not need or want a replacement person straight away. If he's a loner type then this makes sense. It might be more common to get a replacement straight away, but obviously this won't happen in all cases. My gf bought a bird when we broke up!
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shatra
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« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2014, 09:31:12 AM »

Thank you Hopeful Trying for responding. I find it helpful to get a better understanding of BP behavior, as I feel upset and  their actions  are very inconsistent. Yes, I know many Dads (including nons) who are preoccupied with raising their kids and with their job... .I feel he is focusing on these now partly to distract himself from the break (instead of looking for a new partner).

  You mentioned the bird---I too feel many BPs focus on a pet instead of a partner (the pet is non-threatening and also they can't "abandon" the BP as easily as a person can).

  You  mentioned the loner type---yes, I find the loners (or "hermit" types as one book describes the 4 categories of BPD)  are more isolated, less likely to act out with infidelity, impulsive public scenes, etc... .they are more likel;y to "act in" and suffer quietly.

Shatra

Shatra
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bruceli
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« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2014, 01:26:41 PM »

Hi

  I have been reading posts on the boards and see many people write that when they broke up, the BP chose a new replacement partner right away... .as far as I know mine hasn't done that. He is in the "quiet" or "hermit" category, doesn't socialize, and is preoccupied with raising his 3 kids====

   My question is, have people found that sometimes the BP does not seek a replacement?  If he is a loner (he was alone for awhile when we met), is it possible that his kids who live with him, or his job, etc. can serve as the replacement where he will distract himself and get strokes of love from them instead of a new partner?

Shatra

My pwPD seeks her Nfil online due to bad personal experiences in the real world.  She would like a replacement but these fears prevent her from it.  Therefore, after awhile when her fears/anger/dysregulation subsides and her feelings of abandonment kick in.  The need for physical/personal human contact overrides her "feelings, and the pull begins.

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shatra
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« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2014, 02:28:25 PM »

Bruceli wrote---

My pwPD seeks her Nfil online due to bad personal experiences in the real world.  She would like a replacement but these fears prevent her from it.  Therefore, after awhile when her fears/anger/dysregulation subsides and her feelings of abandonment kick in.  The need for physical/personal human contact overrides her "feelings, and the pull begins.

---Can you write a bit more on this?  What is "Nfil" ?

---I know of a pwBPD who is loyal to her spouse, yet seeks "online" activities as a replacement (not to meet people, but to shop, obsessively look up info on websites, etc.)

----Yes, I agree, after awhile the fears/anger subside and it takes awhile for the feeling of abandonment to kick in

---Do you mean that when she feels the abandonment she tries to pull you back in at that point?

Shatra
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enlighten me
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« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2014, 02:32:33 PM »

One thing I noticed about my exgf is that her kids where her world. She let them get away with everything and if she ever told them off she would be guilty and buy them something.

I wondered about this as it wasnt healthy in my opinion as you shouldnt reward bad behaviour.

I came to realise that her children like her mum where her constant. They would never leave her. Its a bit like pwBPD and pets. Some get very attached as a pet loves you unconditionally no matter how you treat it.

Maybe he is just retreating into his safe place surrounded by people who wont abandon him.
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bruceli
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« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2014, 02:41:58 PM »

Bruceli wrote---

My pwPD seeks her Nfil online due to bad personal experiences in the real world.  She would like a replacement but these fears prevent her from it.  Therefore, after awhile when her fears/anger/dysregulation subsides and her feelings of abandonment kick in.  The need for physical/personal human contact overrides her "feelings, and the pull begins.

---Can you write a bit more on this?  What is "Nfil" ?

---I know of a pwBPD who is loyal to her spouse, yet seeks "online" activities as a replacement (not to meet people, but to shop, obsessively look up info on websites, etc.)

----Yes, I agree, after awhile the fears/anger subside and it takes awhile for the feeling of abandonment to kick in

---Do you mean that when she feels the abandonment she tries to pull you back in at that point?

Shatra

Nfil= Narc. fill/feeding her ego.  online dating sites and more.  Yes when the engulfment fears subside as well as when other stressors subside she will pull.
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shatra
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« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2014, 04:54:02 PM »

Yes Bruceli I agree.


Enlighten me wrote---

I came to realise that her children like her mum where her constant. They would never leave her. Its a bit like pwBPD and pets. Some get very attached as a pet loves you unconditionally no matter how you treat it.Maybe he is just retreating into his safe place surrounded by people who wont abandon him.

-----Yes, they crave that person (or animal) who will "never leave" them and always love them.  I would doubt though, that yours would have a constant view of her kids and mother----I would guess that even if she denied this to you, she would sometimes split them as all bad, and often be angry/fearful about them "leaving" her in any way?

----Yes, I believe you are right, the BP may just be retreating into a safe cocoon of relatives and pets as replacements, rather than searching for a partner as a replacement

Shatra

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123Phoebe
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« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2014, 04:34:06 PM »

Yes, I believe you are right, the BP may just be retreating into a safe cocoon of relatives and pets as replacements, rather than searching for a partner as a replacement

I'm having a hard time understanding this "replacement" concept   

Are you suggesting that instead of looking for a new partner to replace "you", your xbf is retreating into his kids and job as replacements for your relationship?  

I'm of the belief that there's enough room in anyone's life to enjoy their children, their job, their parents, pets, friends, hobbies... . :)oes there have to be a reason for living/enjoying one's life and their support network while not in a relationship, or in one for that matter?

I'm not sure this is a BPD thing?  You're broken up, right?



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shatra
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« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2014, 08:17:18 PM »

"I'mm having a hard time understanding this replacement concept. Are you suggesting that instead of looking for a new partner to replace "you", your xbf is retreating into his kids and job as replacements for your relationship? 

I'm of the belief that there's enough room in anyone's life to enjoy their children, their job, their parents,  Does there have to be a reason for living/enjoying one's life and their support network while not in a relationship, or in one for that matter?"

----Replacement is a BPD issue----if they are without the partner (due to breaks, vacations, etc.) they often reach for a replacement, to avoid the pain of the absent partner. While nons may focus on their kids, parents, etc. a BPD can suddenly throw themselves more into these things. Child rearing, their job, or as others have stated, even pets, act as "replacements" for the absent partner.

    Yes, they need a reason to enjoy their support network when not in a relationship, otherwise they would feel the pain of the loss. It's like a kid losing a schoolmate and focusing on a ball game or pet instead. I knew one BP who suddenly adopted kittens right after losing a partner, saying she wanted to "fill the gap"
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enlighten me
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« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2014, 12:10:20 AM »

Yes Bruceli I agree.


Enlighten me wrote---

I came to realise that her children like her mum where her constant. They would never leave her. Its a bit like pwBPD and pets. Some get very attached as a pet loves you unconditionally no matter how you treat it.Maybe he is just retreating into his safe place surrounded by people who wont abandon him.

-----Yes, they crave that person (or animal) who will "never leave" them and always love them.  I would doubt though, that yours would have a constant view of her kids and mother----I would guess that even if she denied this to you, she would sometimes split them as all bad, and often be angry/fearful about them "leaving" her in any way?

----Yes, I believe you are right, the BP may just be retreating into a safe cocoon of relatives and pets as replacements, rather than searching for a partner as a replacement

Shatra

Yes she does split her family members but as I said they are a constant in her life. They are connected so no matter what happens they will always have a tie to each othrr.

Yes the children could be replacements but what we have to realise is that a pwBPD  doesnt need a partner to get their needs met. Their overwhelming need to feel loved can be provided from any source. Family, pets and even facebook. One thing I can guarantee is that he will find someone else. Another thing I can guarantee is that it will go the same way as it did with you.
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2014, 05:16:01 AM »

----Replacement is a BPD issue----if they are without the partner (due to breaks, vacations, etc.) they often reach for a replacement, to avoid the pain of the absent partner. While nons may focus on their kids, parents, etc. a BPD can suddenly throw themselves more into these things. Child rearing, their job, or as others have stated, even pets, act as "replacements" for the absent partner.

   Yes, they need a reason to enjoy their support network when not in a relationship, otherwise they would feel the pain of the loss. It's like a kid losing a schoolmate and focusing on a ball game or pet instead. I knew one BP who suddenly adopted kittens right after losing a partner, saying she wanted to "fill the gap"

Okay, so using this^^ frame of reference... . Could the same be true of "nons" reaching out for support, on let's say this site?  Enjoying the camaraderie of fellow "nons" who are grieving and searching for answers to explain the BPD phenom?

Until we are ready to "accept" our loss and feel the pain that accompanies it, we might then focus solely on what the pwBPD is thinking and feeling, to avoid our own internal world.  Placing ourselves smack dab in the middle of it all, assuming that they're doing certain things to avoid the pain of losing us.

You are posting on the Staying board; this is where we learn how to work on our relationships, make them stronger.  Knowing what you know about BPD, in what ways can you try building a stronger foundation?

Do you eventually want to get back together with your ex?    


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enlighten me
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« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2014, 07:23:10 AM »

I think the difference is a pwBPD needs the support without self reflection wheras us nons try to understand their behaviour and learn our part in it. We use this site to gain insight into how our behaviour had a role in the events. If we are not able to to understand what happened then we are not able to see what was down to us.
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shatra
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« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2014, 10:44:21 AM »

Phoebe wrote

"Okay, so using this^^ frame of reference... .  Could the same be true of "nons" reaching out for support, on let's say this site?  Enjoying the camaraderie of fellow "nons" who are grieving and searching for answers to explain the BPD phenom?

Until we are ready to "accept" our loss and feel the pain that accompanies it, we might then focus solely on what the pwBPD is thinking and feeling, to avoid our own internal world.  Placing ourselves smack dab in the middle of it all, assuming that they're doing certain things to avoid the pain of losing us."

---The same is not true of nons reaching out for support. That is a helathy coping tool. When BPD's dive into a second job, drastically increase their focus on a hobby, kids. substance abuse, etc. that is not a healthy coping tool--that's "replacement".  As I've seen on this board and in real life, some BPD's don't go to a new partner, but many do. There is generally some type of "replacement" because for BPDS especially, the pain of the loss is extreme.  Loss and abandonment issues are hallmarks of the disorder.

  In my case, he and I are both upset over the loss, and his "replacement" is family and work. He contacted me and said the pain of losing me is extreme, but from what I am reading, going back to him may just mean another push-pull in the future

Shatra

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shatra
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« Reply #15 on: December 01, 2014, 10:52:40 AM »

Enlighten wrote

"Yes she does split her family members but as I said they are a constant in her life. They are connected so no matter what happens they will always have a tie to each othrr. Yes the children could be replacements but what we have to realise is that a pwBPD  doesnt need a partner to get their needs met."

---You are right. A mother and pets are nearly guaranteed to "be there" no matter what. I have seen a couple of pwBPD turn to pets or a parent after a breakup, and not seek a replacement partner. They were loner/hermit types, who just withdrew from romance altogether, too fearful of future loss. But they were able to relate to animals and parents who as you wrote are "connected no matter what".

SHatra
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shatra
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« Reply #16 on: December 09, 2014, 01:03:08 PM »

?Okay, so using this^^ frame of reference... .  Could the same be true of "nons" reaching out for support, on let's say this site?  Enjoying the camaraderie of fellow "nons" who are grieving and searching for answers to explain the BPD phenom?"


---The same is not true of nons reaching out for support. That is a healthy coping tool. When BPD's dive into a second job, drastically increase their focus on a hobby, kids. substance abuse, etc. that is not a healthy coping tool--that's "replacement".  As I've seen on this board and in real life, some BPD's don't go to a new partner, but many do. There is generally some type of "replacement" because for BPDS especially, the pain of the loss is extreme.  Loss and abandonment issues are hallmarks of the disorder.

  In my case, he and I are both upset over the loss, and his "replacement" is family and work.

-----I have also seen that pets can be a "replacement"---anything for the pwBPD to take the focus off the loss. And the added benefit is that a pet can offer unconditional love, and little risk of being the next one to abandon the pwBPD.

Shatra
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #17 on: December 09, 2014, 01:31:30 PM »

Bruceli wrote---

---I know of a pwBPD who is loyal to her spouse, yet seeks "online" activities as a replacement (not to meet people, but to shop, obsessively look up info on websites, etc.)

My dBPDh does this. He doesn't leave the bedroom, and reads tons of news articles online, wiki's stuff he doesn't know, etc etc and does commenting on them. His favorite thing to do is make sure everyone else knows how stupid they are compared to him.  
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2014, 05:45:20 PM »

?Okay, so using this^^ frame of reference... . Could the same be true of "nons" reaching out for support, on let's say this site?  Enjoying the camaraderie of fellow "nons" who are grieving and searching for answers to explain the BPD phenom?"


---The same is not true of nons reaching out for support. That is a healthy coping tool. When BPD's dive into a second job, drastically increase their focus on a hobby, kids. substance abuse, etc. that is not a healthy coping tool--that's "replacement".  As I've seen on this board and in real life, some BPD's don't go to a new partner, but many do. There is generally some type of "replacement" because for BPDS especially, the pain of the loss is extreme.  Loss and abandonment issues are hallmarks of the disorder.

 In my case, he and I are both upset over the loss, and his "replacement" is family and work.

-----I have also seen that pets can be a "replacement"---anything for the pwBPD to take the focus off the loss. And the added benefit is that a pet can offer unconditional love, and little risk of being the next one to abandon the pwBPD.

Shatra

My wife uses her mom, kids, and pets as a "replacement" for me.  I think a better word is crutch.  When she got divorced from her first husband, she did everything on her own and was very self sufficient until she found me.  I'm finding two things different this time (even though divorce isn't on the table at the moment, just separation): She can't deal with being alone, and she can't deal with me being gone.  One thing she loves to do is to "bury" herself in "busyness" and kids extra curricular activities to not have to deal with her distorted reality.  She has always looked for validation that way.  Since she is high functioning, she can fool all of them because she always seems to have everything together, yet doesn't.  She can't do it on her own and that's why her mom had been down here since mid October and no guarantees of her going back north (900 miles away) anytime soon.  She complained to me about her last week about how she was overstepping her bounds (parenting over the top of my wife) and yet won't make her go to her sisters about 4 hours away or just go home.  If her mom goes home, then she will have to deal with things alone or deal with "us" and doesn't have the ability to do either one.
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