Is anyone else at that point?

[Mike_confused]

I have posted on the "Staying" board for a couple of years; however, I do not know how much longer I have it in me to tolerate the crap my wife with BPD dishes out.

I have tried to understand where her rage, selfishness, thoughtlessness comes from.  I think I do now.  I have learned to accept that she only knows how to take, and why she cannot deal with the simpliest of daily stresses.  I know not to take most of her threats of divorce seriously because she changes more quickly than the weather.  I try to ignore the apparent fact that I am her handyman and maintenance guy, as well as Sugar Daddy (her words on her Birthday last week).  I have forgiven her for hitting me with anything heavy she could find (in the past).  I have come to understand why she appears to need sedation on her birthday - and why she treats me like dog crap on mine.

In other words, I think I understand why at times in her mind I have caused all the pain in her life, and why I am not what a husband should be in her mind.  I have learned to be calmer.  I love her and most of her ways.

And yet... .finally... .I just cannot tolerate her abuse any longer.  BPD is not my wife's fault.  I must be the one to change because she is unable to.  Well, I will not any longer.  I am mentally and emotionally exhausted - my closest friends see it.  I believe she is slowly killing me - if I stay nothing can ever be for me.  Ever.  Mental illness or not, she may have to continue her ridiculous cycles with out me.   Screw SET and every other method whereby I have to sell my soul and swallow my pride to calm my child-bride down.

Is it just me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Nope, it's not just you. Mike, you sound like a wonderful, extremely tolerant man who has tried his best.

I'm sort of at the burnout point too, even though I have little to complain about with my BPDh. I realize that I'm feeling that way because of a lifetime of dealing with pwBPD, beginning with my mother. I truly had a rough time with my xBPDh, who had epic acting out behaviors that kept me off balance for 20 years. Finally I had enough and I ended it with him.

But now I'm realizing that I'm tired of coddling all these pwBPDd. My husband's issues are so mild, if I hadn't had so much experience dealing with other people's mental illnesses, I probably could easily ignore and forgive his issues.

[maxsterling]

Screw SET and every other method whereby I have to sell my soul and swallow my pride to calm my child-bride down.

Is it just me?

Not just you  You sound exhausted.  I know I am exhausted.  I was thinking this morning while in the shower what effect a pre-planned JADE session would do.  I feel like I am constantly validating and dealing with her moods, with no time for myself.  And when I finally scratch some time, she reacts by blaming me for taking time for myself.  I feel like I am validating underlying moods which I can understand, yet I think she hears me validating her overblown reactions.  I feel like at some point I just have to not validate, and tell her that certain behaviors are not acceptable.  

At this point I feel there is so much going on that needs a defense or an explanation.  The constant depersonalizing is slowly eating at me. I want to spend time with her in the present, yet she wants to project to the future.  And I struggle with how to stand up for myself without resorting to JADE or invalidation.  And I am starting to conclude that at times both of the above need to happen, and she needs to hear some hard truths, and she will spiral very low, and I just need to let that happen and then the dust to settle.  

[Mike_confused]

to sing a familiar song, I just need peace and stability.   We agreed to move to a certain place as soon as her child graduates next June.   Now she says she is selling her home and getting an apartment because I don't help her.   Or, her alternate plan of the day is to move south - she knows I DETEST the southern climate (just because heat tortures me).

I cannot even go on.   I provide her $50K a year for HER expenses only.   Not enough.  I cause the problems.  I am not Christian enough.   She never agreed to move.  HER child needs a car that I should WANT to provide.   

I am burned out. 

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, I am at that point and have been for a while. I want to leave but it is going to take time. In the meantime, I am still here but I have stopped trying to validate and have instead started calling him on his crap. My grandmother is in the hospital and that can't get her stable. One minute she is doing fine and the next they think she is going to die. I was driving home from the hospital thinking how nice it would be to come home to somebody that I could talk to and feel safe and let it all out. I get home and he tries to play the part of a concerned husband. I told him flat out, "I don't feel like I can talk to you. There have been so many times when I have reached out to you and you have made it about you or pushed me away. I have spent way too many nights and mornings wanting to wake up to you. I married you wanting a life partner rather than a child." His response was all about him. He sat there like a whipped puppy and just said, "I know. I earned this." Whatever! I try to talk about my 90 year old grandma who is in failing health and he still manages to make it all about him. He still friggin' turns it around and finds ways to talk about himself and his family. Oh, and when he doesn't, he makes sure to give me a full report about how proud he is of himself for not interrupting me. He has to point out that he only said, "I love this story" and didn't take over while I was talking to the kids. Why the hell should I friggin' validate him for attempting to have a normal conversation with me? I feel like I have turned into a jerk because that seems to be the only way I can manage without him sucking me into his pity parties or his attempts to brag about how well he is doing. Sorry for the rant! I, too, am very tired and very exhausted by it all.

[maxsterling]

to sing a familiar song, I just need peace and stability. 

Familiar song, indeed!  Same song here - I just need a little peace and stability from her so that I know where the ground is that I can work from.  She seems to think I want her to be this or that, and when in reality I just want to know who SHE is - if I knew that I can know what to work with.  I'm having the same issues regarding moving/housing.  Facts - moving is huge stress, I like it where we are, and I have a job here.  Moving?  I'm not against it.  But I need to know where she wants to go and why!  I'm not just going to randomly move some place because she feels lonely here.  So if we do move some where, it will be a few years down the road, and she wants to worry about it now.  Uggh.  Just need SOME stability in the present time.  

[Grey Kitty]

And yet... .finally... .I just cannot tolerate her abuse any longer.  BPD is not my wife's fault.  I must be the one to change because she is unable to.

 Indeed it is time to change.

Stepping out from the abuse as it starts is the best thing you can do for yourself.

It doesn't sound like you've had much success there. Have you tried, and if so, what happened?

[Mike_confused]

Grey Kitty,

I have had plenty of success, all of it relatively short term.   No matter how good she feels and acts toward me, I can bet the farm I will be a piece of roadkill to her at some point soon.  I saw what one person wrote about being tired of codddling their BPD spouse.  I am there also.   I guess I am not going to deal with the childish behavior any longer.

[Grey Kitty]

 No matter how good she feels and acts toward me, I can bet the farm I will be a piece of roadkill to her at some point soon.

Yes, I get that. And (assuming you stay), you will go back from roadkill to beloved again too.

Making this work for me was first about not staying present for that kind of behavior.

If boundary enforcement doesn't protect you 99% from abusive behavior, you can improve it, regardless of what she wants to do.  Tell us how it fails and let us help!

[MissyM]

I actually think that is a healthy place to get to, Mike.  When I had decided I had enough and wasn't willing to continue without recovery, it took my dBPDh a few months to realize I meant it and then he began recovery in earnest.    While validation and SET are important, there is no way I will be with my dBPDh without him taking the necessary steps to improve his mental health and behavior.  It doesn't seem to be a popular stance on his board but I just couldn't live with the insanity any more.  Now, my dBPDh has decided that he wants to recover from his addictions and his mental health issues.  I am seeing remarkable change in him, me and us.  Really, I think it is reasonable to only stay with someone that is mentally ill that will get help.  I wouldn't stand by and watch my husband suffer from diabetes and accept that he would just not get help and expect me to take care of him, in place of medical professionals. 

But this is just my view, I am sure plenty of people feel differently.

[Mike_confused]

MissyM,

yes.   I agree completely that it is not a popular stance on the board to take the position that you will no longer tolerate your BPD-spouse's behavior, mental illness or not. 

I love her, care about her well being, and yet I will no longer stay with her if she continues her efforts to force me into an early grave.  Enough is enough.

[Grey Kitty]

MissyM, I think your approach is fantastic, and I'm delighted that your H is going forward. 

It doesn't seem to be a popular stance on his board but I just couldn't live with the insanity any more.  Now, my dBPDh has decided that he wants to recover from his addictions and his mental health issues.  I am seeing remarkable change in him, me and us.

There is a critical but subtle difference between your attitude and a similar one I've seen others take on these boards. You expressed this as a boundary you were willing to enforce. Others have expressed it as a rule they want their partner to follow.

When you can't live with the insanity any more, giving your H one last chance to change before you walk takes a lot of strength. With him choosing to work on it, it is going better for you (and him too!). If he made the other choice, to ignore his own issues, you would have moved on. That would have been better for you than staying with the insanity too.

The other version, trying to get a partner into treatment doesn't work the same way. It feels to your partner like you are trying to control them, and at some level, it is exactly that. Especially if your threat to leave is later exposed as just that, a threat that you don't act on.

Mike_confused,

If you are still dealing with abusive behavior, I've seen that addressed with boundary enforcement inside the relationship successfully enough times that I know it can be dealt with inside the relationship.

The point that MissyM hit was over other behavior... .which you cannot protect yourself from in the same simple way.

I've been both places.

A couple years ago I was ready to end my marriage if needed to protect myself from the abuse. I was able to protect myself from the abuse without ending the marriage. (And much improved after that. Long story)

A week ago, I was ready to end my marriage over my wife's cheating. The only thing I could do to protect myself from it was end the marriage. I told her this. She did cut contact with the guy she cheated with, and we're trying to work things out now. (Most of our work is on other issues... .some of which pushed her to the point of needing to cheat on me.)

Wherever you are on all this, good luck, and take good care of yourself.

 GK

[MissyM]

The other version, trying to get a partner into treatment doesn't work the same way. It feels to your partner like you are trying to control them, and at some level, it is exactly that. Especially if your threat to leave is later exposed as just that, a threat that you don't act on.

Absolutely, threats don't work.  I have heard it said that you have to be willing to lose your marriage sometimes to save it.

If you are still dealing with abusive behavior, I've seen that addressed with boundary enforcement inside the relationship successfully enough times that I know it can be dealt with inside the relationship.

I heard something in an alanon meeting once, boundaries first and then detachment.  Apparently, that is how it comes in their literature.  Without boundaries as a foundation to protect ourselves, detachment isn't really possible because we are constantly having to fight to protect ourselves.  It just keeps the vicious cycle going.  Reaching the point that boundaries are for me and about me, was life changing.  Taking care of ourselves first is not something caretakers are used to doing and takes a lot of effort.  Our pwBPDs responses to those boundaries are not our problem but learning to set boundaries is.

(Most of our work is on other issues... .some of which pushed her to the point of needing to cheat on me.)

  GK, I would really look at that statement.  No issue in your relationship pushed her to need to cheat.  That is her issue and has nothing to do with your relationship.  If it was about the relationship you would have cheated too, KWIM?

[Grey Kitty]

(Most of our work is on other issues... .some of which pushed her to the point of needing to cheat on me.)

  GK, I would really look at that statement.  No issue in your relationship pushed her to need to cheat.  That is her issue and has nothing to do with your relationship.  If it was about the relationship you would have cheated too, KWIM?

She was legitimately dissatisfied with things in our relationship. As well as other things in her life. That was real. Cheating was her unhealthy and unacceptable way of coping with it. Her reasons don't justify anything. They don't change the choice she made. But they do exist.

Her reasons matter to me in that I still care about her and care about what she is thinking.

When it comes down to it, her actions are what I really care about. She cheated. That matters, and had a lot of consequences. She cut contact with him since. That matters too. I would have walked otherwise.

And you are correct--I didn't cheat. That matters too.



Sorry, Mike_confused--I hope I'm not derailing your thread too much.

You still are in the position of having to make some really tough choices about how to cope with your situation.

[ForeverDad]

(Most of our work is on other issues... .some of which pushed her to the point of needing to cheat on me.)

  GK, I would really look at that statement.  No issue in your relationship pushed her to need to cheat.  That is her issue and has nothing to do with your relationship.  If it was about the relationship you would have cheated too, KWIM?

She was legitimately dissatisfied with things in our relationship. As well as other things in her life. That was real. Cheating was her unhealthy and unacceptable way of coping with it. Her reasons don't justify anything. They don't change the choice she made. But they do exist.

Her reasons matter to me in that I still care about her and care about what she is thinking.

When it comes down to it, her actions are what I really care about. She cheated. That matters, and had a lot of consequences. She cut contact with him since. That matters too. I would have walked otherwise.

And you are correct--I didn't cheat. That matters too.

BPD is sometimes called a Blamer's Disorder... .projection, blaming and blame shifting.  We all have some level of fault, both sides, can't avoid it because we all have 'traits'.  The issue is that when the traits are seriously out of balance and to an extreme, then the blame in the relationship dysfunction is not equal.  While we do need to take ownership of our issues and the consequent impact, we need to be careful not to accept even more from the disordered spouse.

MissyM, I think your approach is fantastic, and I'm delighted that your H is going forward. 

It doesn't seem to be a popular stance on his board but I just couldn't live with the insanity any more.  Now, my dBPDh has decided that he wants to recover from his addictions and his mental health issues.  I am seeing remarkable change in him, me and us.

There is a critical but subtle difference between your attitude and a similar one I've seen others take on these boards. You expressed this as a boundary you were willing to enforce. Others have expressed it as a rule they want their partner to follow.

When you can't live with the insanity any more, giving your H one last chance to change before you walk takes a lot of strength. With him choosing to work on it, it is going better for you (and him too!). If he made the other choice, to ignore his own issues, you would have moved on. That would have been better for you than staying with the insanity too.

The other version, trying to get a partner into treatment doesn't work the same way. It feels to your partner like you are trying to control them, and at some level, it is exactly that. Especially if your threat to leave is later exposed as just that, a threat that you don't act on.

Mike_confused,

If you are still dealing with abusive behavior, I've seen that addressed with boundary enforcement inside the relationship successfully enough times that I know it can be dealt with inside the relationship.

The point that MissyM hit was over other behavior... .which you cannot protect yourself from in the same simple way.

MissyM and Grey Kitty note a key factor in our relationships.  Setting a boundary "if things don't improve significantly then the relationship ends" and sticking to the boundary, as painful as it would be, sometimes does result in improvement.  A sort of Brinkmanship... .who blinks first... .irresistible force (pwBPD) against the immovable object (us with firm boundaries)... .

Regarding the 'control' aspect mentioned above, I experienced an accusation of that.  My then-stbEx's lawyer was questioning me after we first separated and we had protection orders from each other, he tried two tactics.  He tried to use the fact that I weighed more than my spouse as a reason for her to be afraid of me.  (That doesn't make sense, our son was smaller than both of us, was our son to be afraid of us?  But still he tried.)  And he asked me if I wanted her back.  I suspected this was so he could support his strategy that I was a controller and wanted her back under my control.  I answered, "No, not the way she is."

From my posts on other boards, obviously legal, custody and parenting concerns have to take priority there, but I had commented about my view of the difference between "Staying" and "Staying for Now".  Note that this is my perspective arrived at over time.  Staying is not an absolute, as though you cannot reconsider prior decisions and attempts and their results.  Also, consider the purpose of Staying, is it to learn to live with conflict and perhaps even abuse or to gain skills for better communication and better, firmer boundaries?

A common misconception many people have, including our newly arrived members, is that they had to 'Stay'... .  Unfortunately, 'Staying' is a counterproductive concept if the other spouse is not in meaningful therapy and making solid progress toward recovery... .

For example, many if not most of us, myself included, stayed in the relationship longer than we should have because we thought "Staying" under any circumstances was the best example.  It isn't, not if Staying meant being appeasing or a muddy doormat, having weak boundaries, allowing invalidating behaviors, etc.  Rather, we need to accept we can't force the other person to change, all we can change is our own behaviors, boundaries and actions.  That covers many aspects.

• We need to be proactive rather than reactive.  Otherwise we'll always be one step behind.



• We need to be problem-solving and assertive in court, don't be accepting of the stereotypes of past decades.  Let the court know you have some solutions to the conflict and obstructions attempted by the ex.  Silence and passivity are not for us.  If we don't ask, then likely we won't get it.



• We need firm boundaries.  Since we can't influence the other parent by very much, this applies mostly to us, what we will accept and what we will do if something is unacceptable.

[MissyM]

Unfortunately, 'Staying' is a counterproductive concept if the other spouse is not in meaningful therapy and making solid progress toward recovery... .

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement!  And to be clear it wasn't just the addictive behaviors that I needed to change with my dBPDh, the blaming behavior is #1 on the list of things I no longer tolerate.  When he tries to blame me for something, I say that I am sorry he is upset and I won't take that on.   This has been so freeing for me, putting his issues off of my plate.  At this point he is willing to acknowledge it, apologize and move on.  Really, great progress for both of us.

Mike, if you want change it has to start with you.  I believe the first place to start is boundaries.

[Mike_confused]

Grey kitty,

i really am a master at setting and enforcing boundaries - a friggin' master - and that ability of mine spins my BPD wife up like a steam turbine.  I really have no idea why this wonderful woman with BPD would every have targeted me because I am no push-over, I am out spoken, and have never been know to be one to tolerate BS.  I will say I am also considered decent familiy man that puts the care of others first.    Maybe that is my weak spot.   

As far as boundaries:   I told her to knock her crap off because I had enough abuse and ridicule.   Then I went to hunting camp and have not spoken to her in 10 days.  I have received a few mild almost-apologies in the form of text messages.  I have not responded yet.

So I will probably go back.   She will be fine for a part of the coming year, and then go off the tracks once again.  I hope she can at least wait until next November to get on the crazy train again, so I can just head back to camp.


On the high side of things, it has been a great 10 days at camp.

[vortex of confusion]

i really am a master at setting and enforcing boundaries - a friggin' master - and that ability of mine spins my BPD wife up like a steam turbine. 

Is there a possibility that your boundaries are too rigid? From what I have read, having too many boundaries that are too rigid can be just as bad as having no boundaries at all. Something to think about!

[Mike_confused]

I doubt it.   I guess I am am at the point where she treats me better or I leave.   I am no longer going to carry the full weight of this relationship.  It has exhausted me.   I love her, I support her and I care about her.  She is not worth my health however.

I suppose I am using this post to vent, but I am serious and she believes that I am.   I am better at understanding and presenting myself to her to avoid triggers.  However, she still goes off.

BPD or not, she had better understand that I am not kidding.  If she is trying to create some self-fulfilling prophesy that I will abandon her, well, great job!   She is well on her way to forcing me to do just that.

Forgive me one and all readers for this ranting.  I told my BPDwife to control her mouth toward me or I am gone.  If she was not BPD would I tolerate such abuse?  Not likely.   BPD is an EXPLANATION, but it is not an excuse.

I have a place to go.

[Mike_confused]

One additional thought:

Does anyone remember the movie "Groundhog Day"?

[Grey Kitty]

i really am a master at setting and enforcing boundaries - a friggin' master - and that ability of mine spins my BPD wife up like a steam turbine.

Mike, I want to believe you, but I'm wondering. Lots of members here have mastered enforcing boundaries, and this isn't the typical result.

It *is* typical to get an intense extinction burst the first time you start enforcing boundaries. After that extinction burst, the boundaries aren't tested often, and the abusive behavior becomes an easy-to-deflect and infrequent problem.

Can you describe in detail a recent time where you enforced a boundary and your wife spun out of control?

[Mike_confused]

Kitty,

thanks for the thoughtful interest you have shown, but you are truly missing the entire point of this post:  I am explaining that I am tired of years of being the one to contain the fire, set boundaries, etc.   Essentially what this training about BPD tells me is that I have to respect myself - which I most certainly do - and then tolerate behavior that I would not tolerate from a 7 year old from the woman that should be the closest person in the world to me.

The synopsis of this post is I am not sure she is worth it. 

[ForeverDad]

The problem with setting a boundary/ultimatum of sorts is that she may promise to behave better but unless she's really working on herself - usually in meaningful therapy - it won't last.  Then how will you know whether she's just briefly "fallen off the wagon" with a relapse (relapses will happen) or is just going through her recurrent cycles again?

I am explaining that I am tired of years of being the one to contain the fire, set boundaries, etc.   Essentially what this training about BPD tells me is that I have to respect myself - which I most certainly do - and then tolerate behavior that I would not tolerate from a 7 year old from the woman that should be the closest person in the world to me.

The synopsis of this post is I am not sure she is worth it.

No, you do not have to tolerate it.  If your boundaries over the years were not enough, then you can accept that reality.  The education and insight gained here can help you make an informed and more confident decision that you can live with, one that won't leave you second guessing or guilting yourself with "what ifs" and "if onlys" for years to come.

If in 7 years she hasn't made sufficient changes to make life at least somewhat enjoyable for you, what difference will more time make?

Groundhog Day.  Oh yes, eventually the guy gets it right.  I just watched a movie that had a similar theme of do-over days... .A Christmas Wedding Date "After being fired from her high-powered job, Rebecca heads back home to see her mom and attend her friend's small-town wedding on Christmas Eve. Initially convinced that the trip is a terrible mistake, especially her botched romantic conversation with former beau, Chad, Rebecca soon learns that, indeed, you can go home again and again -- until you get it right."

[Mike_confused]

Dad,

yes the education and insight are helpful and bring me the confidence that comes with understanding what is going on around me.  This education on the BPD topic also makes me realize that most of the burden is squarely on me.   She is seeing a therapist, but who the Hell knows what is actually said there.    Boundaries do not solve everything.  I have asked my BPDw many times that if I am indeed the cause of all the bad things in her life, why in God's name would she stay with me?   Crickets at that point.

My whole point in the post is that if we are to stay together, she will have to improve also, BPD or not.   If the illness prevents her from doing so... .

[Grey Kitty]

This is the staying board, so I'm posting from a perspective of trying to improve the situation you are living in. I'm not trying to convince you that you should stay--that choice is yours alone. Sorry if it seems like I'm pressuring you.

... .and then tolerate behavior that I would not tolerate from a 7 year old from the woman that should be the closest person in the world to me.

For me, boundary enforcement has the exact opposite result and motivation: NOT tolerating that sort of behavior, and not letting myself be subjected to it.

That's why I asked for a detailed example of how you tried to do boundary enforcement and had this result.

[nightmoves]

Curious question.

I agree that we all need to set boundries. For ourselves. I also muse that MANY of us Non's... .did not come into these r/s's very good at doing that.

So a question.

Let's say ... .we have become incredibly good at:

Setting boundaries

WHAT though... .are we then left with?

We have set expert boundaries so as to not get abused, raged upon, blamed... .in our presence.

But - what are we left with in the way of a kind, affectionate, caring, intimate, predictable, secure, partner?

I think what the OP is frustrated about is that the tools and methods seem to only provide a strategy to withstand the many sieges.

And - if he is good enough at it... .they either "seem" less... .or they actually become less when not a target there to aim at.

SO ... .I too worked VERY hard at reading, learning, practicing themany toolsto better adjust to the disorder.

What happened to me seemed that the BETTER I got.

The WORSE she got.

I am guessing here... .but the MORE i created a boundary... .space... a and the LESS I took the blame... .was the target... .did NOT try to enmesh and be as codependent... .

THE MORE... .dysregulated she got. The nore DEPRESSED she got. The MORE irrational she got. The ANGRIER she got.

And I THINK... .is was because ALL of this STUFF... .this TURMOIL within her... from YEARS... .had NO "plausible" or "excusable" place to go. No outward place or person to blame.

SO ... .then what?

There is no doubt the OP - like all of us - loves his spouse.

OR we would not be climbing up a mountain... .

I think that as we are getting better... .and higher on the mountain... .we are beginning to see beyond just reducing the conflict and the chaos... .but we are looking for what is there when the explosions stop.

[maxsterling]

Essentially what this training about BPD tells me is that I have to respect myself - which I most certainly do - and then tolerate behavior that I would not tolerate from a 7 year old from the woman that should be the closest person in the world to me.

Mike - I certainly hear where you are coming from (and I am only about 2 years in!)  This morning she had to go to the dentist at 7am because of pain from her wisdom teeth extraction a week and a half ago.  I agreed to drive her (she's still taking some pain killers, so a good idea for me to drive her) She set the alarm, it woke her, she pressed snooze, she woke and grumbled, then snooze again... .I got up, put my clothes on, emptied the dishwasher, and periodically went in there to try and get her out of bed.  And she would grumble and thrash and kick and whine about not wanting to get up.  And I would go back into the other room to continue readying myself.  At one point, she screamed at me "why are you just sitting there in the other room?  Why aren't you helping me!"  I went into the bedroom, and asked her bluntly what she wanted me to do.  She said she didn't know.  She thrashed and grumbled some more, blamed me, and I told her that I don't know what else to do except forcefully get her out of bed, and I was not going to do that.  She then screamed at me "you are so FXXing annoying!"  I walked out of the room, and left her be by herself.  But geez - it's like getting a 14 year old teenager out of bed!  Yeah, I can leave the room, tell her to get her own self out of bed, not get involved in trying to help her with something a 39 year old should know how to do by herself... .but if the blaming and the general bad attitude don't stop - I can see how after years of this I can just be done with it all.  I can enforce boundaries to not allow the childish behavior in my presence, but that doesn't mean it still won't be there and I still won't hear the negativity and grumbles and swearing and doors slamming when I am in the next room.  

I feel for you.  

[MissyM]

But - what are we left with in the way of a kind, affectionate, caring, intimate, predictable, secure, partner?

I think what the OP is frustrated about is that the tools and methods seem to only provide a strategy to withstand the many sieges.

That is why I believe the tools and the methods are only a piece of the puzzle.  Since BPD is on a spectrum, dealing with someone that has mild BPD symptoms the tools might be enough but it would not be enough for me in my relationship with my dBPDh.  We all have to find our own path and what will work for us.  Nothing wrong in not willing to stay in a relationship with an abusive BPD that will not get help and hold themselves accountable for their behavior.

[MissyM]

Max

I got up, put my clothes on, emptied the dishwasher, and periodically went in there to try and get her out of bed.

I just have to ask why you would go back to get her out of bed?  I know putting myself in that parental role for my dBPDh for years, really backfired on our relationship and allowed his behavior to escalate.

[maxsterling]

I just have to ask why you would go back to get her out of bed?  I know putting myself in that parental role for my dBPDh for years, really backfired on our relationship and allowed his behavior to escalate.

I'm kicking myself over this one and in hindsight think this was the wrong move.  I could have done nothing and she would blame me, or I would try and fail and she would still blame me (as she did).  I really thought about this at the time, and my justification was that 1) she is taking pain killers and I would feel responsible if she woke up late, missed her appointment, had to reschedule for when I was at work and got into a car wreck.  2) She absolutely needed to make this appointment.  It wasn't like it was a hair appointment or a job interview, but something quite a bit more important that if she missed could have health consequences.  I am proud of myself for at least asking her what else I could do to get her out of bed and for making the comment that it's not my job to get her out of bed and that I am not going to forcefully get her out of bed.  Mad as she was, I think she got the message.  I think it sinks in when I use the "help me understand" or "what can I do" and she has no answer.