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Author Topic: What do you make of this?  (Read 442 times)
Verbena
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« on: December 01, 2014, 10:43:18 AM »

I am on these boards because of my DD29.  She and her husband just had their first child, my first grandchild, and DD has been doing well.  I am cautiously optimistic that becoming a mother will bring positive and lasting changes.  

My question is about my H. I do not believe he qualifies as BPD, but he is a very difficult person.  We have been married 32 years and he is worse than he has ever been.  He is moody, negative to the EXTREME, miserable to be around, never wrong, sucks the joy out of the room.  

He can be, and is, the opposite of all this around others.  Around me, he is HIMSELF.  He seems to feel it is an imposition to respond to most of what I say, so he ignores me much of the time.  I have stopped sharing much with him because of this.  He either ignores me or gives one-word replies, at best.  I basically cannot stand being anywhere near him most of the time.  We have zero physical relationship and haven't for five years or so.  We're really just roommates.  

Anyway, here is my question.  When my H does speak to me, he says my name in certain situations.  For example... . 

Me:  Maybe we could put the ottoman in son's room (actually H's room since that is where he has slept since son left home five years ago) to make room for the Christmas tree.

H:  There's not room in there, VERBENA!

Me:  (loading the dishwasher and having trouble shutting the detergent compartment)

H:  You have too much detergent in there and you'll never get it shut, VERBENA.

Me:  What are you doing today?

H:  I have several things to do, VERBENA.  

Me:  Is it supposed to rain today?

H:  I don't know, VERBENA.

He does this constantly, and I don't understand it.  There are only two of us in this house.  I realize he is talking to me.  Is this just part of his seething anger at me?  The other day when this happened, I answered him the same way.

Me: Can you get the Christmas decorations out of the attic?  (no response)  Later on... Do you think we should move your chair to make room for the tree?  

H:  I don't know, VERBENA.  I thought you said you wanted those boxes from the attic, VERBENA.  

Me:  Okay, Husband's Name.  

He immediately asked me why I answered him that way. (I did not speak to him in the flat, monotone voice he uses with me, though, and I didn't say it sarcastically either.)

 I told him I was just responding the same way, saying his name.  He had no clue what I meant.  This is his typical response (other than ignoring me) when I try to discuss any issue with him.  He does not know what I mean, he doesn't remember, or he did not do anything wrong.  He also claims he answered me when he said nothing, but that is another issue.  

So what do you make of his saying my name this way?  
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Verbena
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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2014, 11:47:51 AM »

Well, this is interesting.  Some of the Christmas tree lights aren't working. 

Me:  The lights aren't all working.  Should I just decorate it anyway? 

H:  I don't know, VERBENA.

(then he thumps some and a few more come on)

Me: Maybe if I thump some more, the rest will come on.

H:  I don't know, VERBENA.

Me:  I don't know either, Husband's Name.

He immediately looks right at me (he rarely looks right at me) with this almost shocked and aggravated look and says,  "I'm fixing myself something to eat right now!"

Clearly, he does not like for me to answer him the same way he answers me.   
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2014, 12:25:24 PM »

Saying your name at the end doesn't seem that strange to me as I do it with my husband. However the fact that he is getting irritated when you do the same thing is curious. Personally I would keep doing it just to see what he says. But that's passive aggressive behavior too and not necessarily helpful to the situation either   haha!

Has your husband always been bossy or a little bit difficult? My husband has BPD and his father who is no longer with us I believe was either Narcissistic or Borderline. He was very bossy and basically did not allow his children to think for themselves.
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Verbena
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« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2014, 12:46:40 PM »

Cloudy Days, I appreciate your response.  I find that everything my H does irritates me to no end these days, so maybe I am making too much of it.  Most of the time when he sticks my name at the end of a sentence, he is chastising me/proving he is right/showing his disdain for me.  Obviously, it's a habit and there is no way he would ever understand how I perceive this any more than he understands anything else I have issue with about his behavior.  He is never wrong on anything, ever.  If I tell him how his behavior makes ME feel, he says nothing.  It doesn't seem to make any difference how I word it.  He does not apologize and he has no insight. 

So while it may be passive agressive on my part, I think I will continue to respond to him the way he does to me.  That might be the only way he would ever understand how it feels.  I always said I would never treat him the way he does me, but I find I just do not care anymore.  Twice lately, he has made some comment and I have said nothing.  He does this to me 95 percent of the time but says he doesn't. 

The more time I spend with him, the worse it is.  I think that's the problem.  He needs to go somewhere for awhile. 
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2014, 01:01:46 PM »

I'm sorry you are going through this, Verbena.

He won't ever truly understand how you feel. You said so yourself... .he's never wrong. pwBPD think if they are wrong=they are worthless, so their minds just reject anything that could mean they are wrong... .no matter how small.




Cloudy Days, I appreciate your response.  I find that everything my H does irritates me to no end these days, so maybe I am making too much of it.  Most of the time when he sticks my name at the end of a sentence, he is chastising me/proving he is right/showing his disdain for me.  Obviously, it's a habit and there is no way he would ever understand how I perceive this any more than he understands anything else I have issue with about his behavior.  He is never wrong on anything, ever.  If I tell him how his behavior makes ME feel, he says nothing.  It doesn't seem to make any difference how I word it.  He does not apologize and he has no insight. 

So while it may be passive agressive on my part, I think I will continue to respond to him the way he does to me.  That might be the only way he would ever understand how it feels.  I always said I would never treat him the way he does me, but I find I just do not care anymore.  Twice lately, he has made some comment and I have said nothing.  He does this to me 95 percent of the time but says he doesn't. 

The more time I spend with him, the worse it is.  I think that's the problem.  He needs to go somewhere for awhile. 

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jedimaster
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« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2014, 09:49:50 AM »

pwBPD think if they are wrong=they are worthless, so their minds just reject anything that could mean they are wrong... .no matter how small.

That sums up my wife's complete existence.  She cannot be wrong, ever.  The closest she ever comes is occasionally on a very good day she might apologize for some tiny insignificant thing.  Otherwise her "apologies" are over-the-top drama queen performances, basically a mocking parody of a real apology.  She will say, "I might be wrong," but only because she knows to verbally say she's never wrong would sound ridiculous, and since she's perfect she can't possibly be that narcissistic  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

When the kids were growing up we had a running joke-- "Rule #1:  Mom's always right.  Rule #2: Any questions, see Rule #1."  It would be funny except it's to the point nobody's kidding any more.
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"Do.  Or do not.  There is no try."  | "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”  |  "Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." ~ Yoda
Cloudy Days
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« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2014, 10:10:01 AM »

My husband will accept that he is wrong, only if I have proof that he is wrong. Then he will actually apologize. For instance, we have a lot of movies, we as a couple have an addiction to buying movies. We couldn't find one of his favorites that I know that we bought and watched together. He in BPD fashion accused me of letting someone borrow it without his knowledge or having someone over that would have stolen it  . Well, we found the movie, in the movie cabinet, we both looked two to three times and overlooked it... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) anyways, he was convinced that I did something with it, nothing could change his mind. But he whole heartedly apologized. Man was he a jerk about it before we found the movie. This has happened with several things he has misplaced and then found later. When he loses something, like his wallet, he gets mad at me somehow it becomes my fault.

At our good times we joke about it, that everything is my fault and he will laugh about it because it's clearly his fault. It has become an inside joke, except when he's in full BPD mode, it's not a joke, he really believes it.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2014, 10:12:48 AM »

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I don't have any real words of wisdom because I feel like I am in the same boat as you. Even though I know it is passive aggressive and not helpful, I have resorted to treating my husband the way that he has treated me in some situations.

Like you, everything about my husband annoys me these days. I think he is trying really hard but I think it is him grasping at straws. I don't feel like he is being sincere. It is him grasping at straws because he knows that if I leave he will have to take care of himself.

Adding your name at the end of a sentence doesn't seem particularly odd unless it is done in a condescending/disdainful manner. I know there are times that my husband has said things to me that would normally be considered nice but he will do it in such a way that it seems like anything but nice. The words alone don't really mean much to me. It is the tone and the manner in which it is said. This may not be a very popular opinion but I have been making more headway by deliberately mirroring him. It makes him mad and then I will proceed to tell him, "But honey, how is this any different than what you have been doing to me?" He has gotten huffy and mad and said, "Point taken." He is so much like a little kid in so many ways.
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« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2014, 11:27:17 AM »

This may not be a very popular opinion but I have been making more headway by deliberately mirroring him. It makes him mad and then I will proceed to tell him, "But honey, how is this any different than what you have been doing to me?" He has gotten huffy and mad and said, "Point taken." He is so much like a little kid in so many ways.

He is moody, negative to the EXTREME, miserable to be around, never wrong, sucks the joy out of the room. 

He can be, and is, the opposite of all this around others.  Around me, he is HIMSELF.  He seems to feel it is an imposition to respond to most of what I say, so he ignores me much of the time.  I have stopped sharing much with him because of this.  He either ignores me or gives one-word replies, at best.  I basically cannot stand being anywhere near him most of the time.  We have zero physical relationship and haven't for five years or so.  We're really just roommates.   

Verbena and Vortex, I see we're dealing with very similar situations. The moodiness is so unpleasant to be around, particularly when they light up like a Christmas tree around other people. Last night I asked my husband to just talk with me like he'd talk with a stranger. (Didn't go well obviously, but I was so frustrated that I thought it worth trying.)

I think it would really bug me if my husband used my name the way yours does, Verbena. And Vortex, I'm going to try your "how is this different" strategy when my husband accuses me of not spending time with him, yet does the same to me.

I'm no saint and it gets really tiresome to always have to be the adult in the relationship. It seems that pwBPD don't care about anybody's feelings but their own and then they accuse you of the same thing. It's so frustrating!
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
ColdEthyl
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« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2014, 11:41:28 AM »

Mine does this, too. He loses stuff all the time, then makes up these theories that someone is coming into our room and throwing things away... .which is ridiculous. We end up finding these things like and he's like... .oh. But, he doesn't let go the hateful thoughts that someone is still messing with him. It's a reoccurring theme for him to think someone is trying to injure/trick him.


My husband will accept that he is wrong, only if I have proof that he is wrong. Then he will actually apologize. For instance, we have a lot of movies, we as a couple have an addiction to buying movies. We couldn't find one of his favorites that I know that we bought and watched together. He in BPD fashion accused me of letting someone borrow it without his knowledge or having someone over that would have stolen it  . Well, we found the movie, in the movie cabinet, we both looked two to three times and overlooked it... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) anyways, he was convinced that I did something with it, nothing could change his mind. But he whole heartedly apologized. Man was he a jerk about it before we found the movie. This has happened with several things he has misplaced and then found later. When he loses something, like his wallet, he gets mad at me somehow it becomes my fault.

At our good times we joke about it, that everything is my fault and he will laugh about it because it's clearly his fault. It has become an inside joke, except when he's in full BPD mode, it's not a joke, he really believes it.

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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2014, 12:38:29 PM »

But, he doesn't let go the hateful thoughts that someone is still messing with him. It's a reoccurring theme for him to think someone is trying to injure/trick him.

Oh yes, my husband always thinks people are "playing games" with him just to mess with him. I have wanted to tell him so many times that the world does not revolve around him and people aren't that interested in messing with him like that. He for some reason thinks I play games with him. He sometimes believes that I am cheating on him and it's a game for me to keep it from him, like our whole relationship is just a big joke and I'm laughing about it behind his back  . I have told him that if we were to ever break up I wouldn't want another man in my life so why would I want one when he is in my life as it is.
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2014, 12:50:07 PM »

But, he doesn't let go the hateful thoughts that someone is still messing with him. It's a reoccurring theme for him to think someone is trying to injure/trick him.

Oh yes, my husband always thinks people are "playing games" with him just to mess with him. I have wanted to tell him so many times that the world does not revolve around him and people aren't that interested in messing with him like that. He for some reason thinks I play games with him. He sometimes believes that I am cheating on him and it's a game for me to keep it from him, like our whole relationship is just a big joke and I'm laughing about it behind his back  . I have told him that if we were to ever break up I wouldn't want another man in my life so why would I want one when he is in my life as it is.

My T emphasizes the "narcissistic wound" that my H has and that these personality disorders are fluid and don't have rigid boundaries--just like the people who have them. So I do see a lot of narcissistic behavior from my H, even though he deplores how narcissistic his father was. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Verbena
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2014, 12:56:10 PM »

Vortex, yes it is the tone he uses when he puts my name at the end of the sentence.  

Cloudy Days, after reading your recent posts I feel bad that I am posting about something so insignificant.  My heart goes out to you with all you are facing right now.  At least your husband will admit he is wrong at times.  My H is NEVER  wrong.

Last night was interesting.  I put a boundary in place a few months ago about his slamming doors when he is angry at me for disturbing him at night.  I told him via e-mail (because I knew he would say nothing if I told him in person) that it is no longer acceptable for him to slam doors when he feels I am disturbing him.  He has done this for YEARS.  I told him that I am not intentionally trying to wake him.  ON the contrary, I am very careful not to bother him because I know how he will react.  

Last night about 12:30 I was washing a skillet in the kitchen sink, and he slammed his bedroom door so hard it shook the house.  The kitchen is far away from the room where he sleeps.  I did have the tv in the kitchen on, but it wasn't very loud.  I guess the sound of me washing the skillet set him off.  I really don't think he could have heard it unless he came out of the bedroom to go to the bathroom, which he does about once an hour through the night.  He seriously has to pee more than any person I have ever known.  For years, I mainly ignored these outbursts but I did not ignore it last night.  I went to his room and told him if he had something to say to me, he should say it and not slam the door like a two-year old.  He flew into a RAGE and said that he shouldn't have to tell me because it was 12:30 and he was trying to sleep. He screamed some other stuff, too. I told him he was an __hole (I've never said that to him before) and he screamed, "No, YOU are."  

I set the boundary about the door slamming, and I was not about to just ignore it.  What good is a boundary if there is no way to "enforce" it?  

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Verbena
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2014, 12:57:46 PM »

The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

I agree. My Husband's father was equally miserable, negative, and angry.  
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2014, 12:59:48 PM »

Mine hasn't accused me for some time, the last time being about 2 years ago when I had to go to a meeting at work that was before my shift started, and I had put on makeup because I was meeting with some doctors. He assumed I must be somehow screwing one of the doctors.

Other than that, we had a small issue a few weeks back where I was thinking about playing an online game I used to play before we met. There was a particular man I used to play with a lot and when I was in the process of divorce with my ex-husband, I briefly considered the idea of a relationship with him. I weighed all the pro and cons, decided against it, and never spoke a word about my thoughts to him. Stupid me... .I told my current husband about it before I knew he was BPD. Because of that, I'm forbidden for contact with him... .or "any of my boyfriends" as he keeps saying. The fact the dude never even knew what I thought or felt doesn't seem relevant to him.

I've decided not to play it again. It's not worth the jealousy issues that will arise from me being around a 80% male population.


But, he doesn't let go the hateful thoughts that someone is still messing with him. It's a reoccurring theme for him to think someone is trying to injure/trick him.

Oh yes, my husband always thinks people are "playing games" with him just to mess with him. I have wanted to tell him so many times that the world does not revolve around him and people aren't that interested in messing with him like that. He for some reason thinks I play games with him. He sometimes believes that I am cheating on him and it's a game for me to keep it from him, like our whole relationship is just a big joke and I'm laughing about it behind his back  . I have told him that if we were to ever break up I wouldn't want another man in my life so why would I want one when he is in my life as it is.

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