trying to feel good

[4kidz]

trying to let go of negative feelings today. Found my BPD wife lied to me , 1st time that has happened( that i know of). Trusting her is one of the most important aspects of our relationship, feel a bit lost with this feeling. Although the lie was trivial by nature it still hurts. Perhaps putting all of my efforts, love and just about everything else imagineable into this relationship and feeling betrayed is the root of my hurt, just dont know. Trying to learn to let it go and take care of myself. Why is that proving to be so difficult? Feeling ashamed on what i have become... .ughh... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, 4kidz & 

I'm really sorry for the pain and sadness you are going through right now... .

Feeling lied to by our spouses is always a disconcerting, disorienting, confusing thing, and the betrayal of it can really knock us off our equilibrium. I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this.

How long have you been married? Do you have 4 children? Has your wife been diagnosed with BPD? Is she in any type of Therapy? Do you have a Counselor yourself? Many of the members of this site have found that Counseling really helps with our relationships with our BPD loved ones.

Please tell us more about your situation, 4kidz, so we can help you 

[4kidz]

married 9 years, hae 4 natural children with ex wife and 1 step child with current wife.she has not officially been diagnose with BPD, however the counselor we saw for years feels it is a strong possibility. we went to therapy together for years, not much improved, in fact after most sessions we would end up in a bad place. My uBPDw saw a therapist for a while, when she didnt like what she heard she stopped going. Currently she sees a life coach. i went to counseling for years, tried a little of everything to ease the anxiety/stress of the relationship, most were fruitless. I have been reading so many books on BPD. I have a better undestanding of the illness. Makes it a bit easier to understand...

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for filling in some blanks, 4kidz... .

Besides reading the books about BPD that you have, it would be beneficial for you to read the links to the right-hand side of this page (and on every page of the Staying Board), and the Feature Articles linked to under the photos at the top of the listing of threads on this Board. The Lessons (to the right) and all the other information give very practical information and insights into how your wife's mind works, and what you can do to deal with your relationship with her in ways that can make things better.

I'm sure you've been reading the threads here; keep reading what you can with the links and the threads, and jump in with your own thoughts and questions when it feels right. I'm sorry that you found Counseling to be fruitless; is there a chance that you might be able to find a better fit, and try again? How are things going for your wife with her Life Coaching Sessions? Are they helping her at all?

Please hang in there, 4kidz... .We're here 24/7, and want to be there for you 

[4kidz]

i believe the life coach helps her as an individual. Unfortunately I think that in a way it validates, in her mind to take careof herself and not worry about anyone else. I am happy for her in that respect. Dont really think it helps our relationship. But if it helps her in a way it helps me. I am proud of her for reaching out for help. She had a very tough childhood and those demons need to be addressed and she really works at it...

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really glad to hear that her Therapy is doing her some good; in the end, if it helping her to figure out her past and rise above it somehow, that can only be good for you and your family too. It may take time (it sounds like she has a lot of trauma to work through, no?), and you are a good husband to have the patience to let her get through it all.

It must feel frustrating to think she is only getting the help for herself and possibly neglecting you and the rest of the family, but that could be just a temporary thing for you until she is closer to being healed from her past. I know my BPD son (37) spent several months of proper Therapy and Treatments right after his BPD diagnosis last year, before his healing and recovery got to the point where it really became a wonderful blessing for our whole family. He's a different guy now--more like he was as a young and happy boy--and giving him the time, space and patience to get to where he is today really paid off for us a family.

You are lucky that she was diagnosed, accepted that she needed help, and then is now participating in that help. Lots of members of this site wait a very long time for that to happen to their BPD loved one, if it even ever does happen. If you aren't feeling that her progress is helping your relationship right now, see if you can give it some time--and be supportive of her efforts at recovery, if you can, before giving up on it ever getting better.

Is it possible for you to talk to her Life Coach to get a handle on how you and the family "fit in" with her Therapy and recovery? Maybe, if that would be allowed, you will find that there is a plan to fold in your wife's responsibilities to all of you, once her psyche is healed enough to move onto that next phase? For now, you are happy for her and her progress and healing, and that is really wonderful... .In the future you might find joy in the healing of your relationship and family 

[4kidz]

rapt- thanks for the encouragement! Unfortunately her life coach would not speajk with me. But I am okay with that. If shes getting better within I am happy and proud of her. Whichever way our relationship ends up going I will always want the best for her. Its just the neglect and her painting me black right now that her...

[waverider]

Keep in mind if she has BPD then getting better is not what you might think it to be. Most of that is you changing to accept new ways of interacting with her. One of these is to accept that her reality and yours will not always align and when you hear what is generally regarded as a fib it is not the end of the world. It is all part of it. What you can work on is not to live with constant suspicion, and not taking it personally, and if you do then it is partly your fault, as it is part of the disorder.