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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Resources for Teen Child of BPD Mother  (Read 490 times)
OutOfEgypt
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« on: December 02, 2014, 08:26:06 PM »

Hi everyone,

So, my fourteen year old daughter struggles quite a bit dealing with her uBPD mother.  Her mother doesn't spend time with her, is always wrapped up in something else, but is ready to be right there whenever it means being the center of attention with her friends.  She has befriended our daughter's best friend and poisons her mind about me and gets her friend to side with her against our daughter over trivial and stupid things.  It is pretty distressing for my daughter.  She has already felt that her mom takes things away from her, and she feels that her mom thinks there is something wrong with her.  I am a big emotional support to my daughter.  She loves me and we have a very close relationship, which I am very thankful for.  I validate her feelings, I share some experiences without bad-mouthing her mother, and I validate her experiences with her mother.

She is pretty smart and very mature for her age.  She has her mom pegged pretty well -says she "acts like she's a 15 year old girl".  Yet she is hurt by her mom because she feels rejected by her over and over and is frustrated with how her mom takes control of her and her friends.  At what point do I introduce her to what BPD is?   Her mom was never formally diagnosed, but she is virtually a textbook posterchild for BPD or NPD.  :)o you recommend I tell her about BPD?  If so, are there any books for children of BPD that would be good for her to read, that would validate her experience?  It is touchy because I am cautious of doing anything that could be used against me to prove that I'm trying to alienate my daughter from her mom (even though their mom trashes me in front of the kids whenever she wants).

What I really want is for my daughter to see a therapist, but I won't force her to go.  She doesn't want to go because she feels like it means there is something wrong with her, or if kids found out at school they would make fun of her.  And of course, I share custody with her crazy mom, so if her crazy mom knows then she will likely tell my daughter's best friend, whom she apparently chats it up with on Facebook regularly.  So, my daughter is concerned that if she sees a therapist it will get back to her best friend, who is not really a good friend at all to begin with, and hence she will be humiliated.

So, I'm looking for other things that can validate her experience, such as books, even though I'm still going to encourage her to see a therapist, still.  Any suggestions?
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« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2014, 09:20:09 PM »

Just a thought... .

There is a fictional book called "The Day My Mother Left" about a mom with BPD.  Now, it is not going to be just like her mom, but I wonder if it will be enough like her mom that she will wonder.  My DD16 read it for fun and recognized it to be describing her stepsister's mom, but her SS is so enmeshed I am not sure she would see it when she read it.  Anyway, maybe find her some fictional books about mother-child relationships and see if it starts any kind of discussion.
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2014, 10:04:28 PM »

OOE, I wanted to send this as a personal message but your inbox is full!

My God OOE we ARE kindred spirits. I know we both share a strong faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior and we obviously had long marriages to wives with BPD but when I read your recent post about your 14 yr old daughter I felt compelled to send you a private message.

I also have a child that is 14 (son) that is dealing with abandonment issues with his Mom leaving. I have primary custody. My son too was very leery about seeing a therapist/counselor. I left it up to him and didn't force him to go see one but after about eight months he was in a lot of emotional pain by the actions of his mother putting all her attention and emotions on her new relationship (victim) he finally agreed to see a therapist/counselor. He has also been to see the school guidance counselor about issues with his mother. I am so glad he agreed to go and think it has been very helpful for him.

There would be no getting around your ex-wife knowing that your daughter would be in counseling as she would have to sign off on the paperwork for your child to see a counselor. That's a shame that your xwife would do that to your daughter because I think seeing a therapist/counselor is very beneficial for our children as they need a safe placeto work through all the emotions they are dealing with. I too have a very close relationship with my 14-year-old and he didn't want to go at first because he said that me and him can talk about everything but I told him he's probably afraid to tell me something's because he's afraid of how I would react and it is true and he's been able to open up so much more counseling. It's nice for me to because I'm worried if my son is prone to any BPD symptoms and the counseloris keeping an eye out for me.

I too struggled with should I tell my son or not about his mom's issues. I ended up having to tell him because my ex-wife started telling him lies about me. I also felt that I had to tell him because he was in so much pain because of his mom's actions and he was internalizing everything thinking she was doing stuff just to hurt him specifically.  I talked to him in generalizations about what I suspect his mom's issues are and I did mention BPD to him. I told him that unfortunately everyone around his mother is hurt by her including her own mom sisters and brother as she has abandoned them. I also decided to have his grandmother(Mom's mom) aunts and uncles talk to him about the lies his mom has told about her family. Did I do the right thing? I don't know I still struggle with the decision I made but I did ask his Therapist/counselor if I did the right thing and telling him he seemed to think that it was necessary for me to do so. I also have a nine-year-old son but I did not tell him anything about his moms BPD.

It's crazy OOE because I can see my ex is making more of an attachment with her new boyfriend's kids and drawing away from her own kids. It's like since his kids are a part of him she idolizes them as she idolizes my replacement. Very sick behavior!

I think I'm going to,read that book someone mentioned on your thread about a child with a BPD Mom, then I'll ask my sons therapist if he thinks it's a good idea for my son to read it.

How's everything else going for you brother? I still have you on my prayer list. I will keep praying for you and your daughter and I hope you both have a Merry Christmas.

Your brother in Christ,

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2014, 02:28:57 PM »

I used the word "counselor" and told my son that she was more into developing tools to help him deal with peers and even adults. It helped that he was 9, which is a bit more malleable than 14 for this kind of thing.

You could also ask her if she would be willing to meet with someone to see what it's like. Then work really hard to find someone who is excellent with teens. You could talk to the school family specialist or guidance counselor -- they are usually pretty good about knowing who in the community has a good reputation.

Another possibility is that you both go to see someone together so your D can get comfortable while you take the lead. There are therapists who do this regularly, meeting with kids and their parents. Sometimes it is called couples counseling, not to be confused with marriage counseling. Or family therapy.

On a side note, it's not uncommon for kids to play out the problems with their parent in peer relationships. The same challenges they have with the parent tend to be the same challenges they have with the friend, like not knowing how to assert boundaries, avoiding confrontation, tolerating bad behavior, hoping for the "good" behavior to return, feeling trapped in the relationship.





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« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2014, 10:57:26 AM »

It's amazing how similar BPDs are in this respect.

I think that it's definitely OK for a 14 year old to know that Mom has BPD. My D14 knows. I try to frame it in terms like "BPD is like any other illness, in that you don't ask to get it, didn't do anything to get it, but it happens anyway, so it's not all that different from having any other sickness. It's not Mom's fault she has this but it's your responsibility to learn to deal with it, like any other disease."

I think that helps her understand that the problem is Mom's illness, not her - it's good validation.

I also let her know it's OK to be angry and upset about it, and I try not to take anything back to BPDx unless it's vital to my daughter's well being.

Also, please get your kid into therapy. My D14's therapist knows about mom's issues and tries to help my daughter with coping strategies.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2014, 11:16:15 AM »

Thanks everyone for your comments.  I only have time to rattle off a quick reply.

Mywifecrazy:  Good to hear from you, brother!  I cleared out my inbox so hopefully we can catch up a bit privately .

Boss302:  I'm going to try to get her into therapy.  The one thing I am a bit uncomfortable with is the language of calling it an "illness".  It can certainly be classified that way, but saying it is an illness seems to remove any moral culpability -as though we are talking about someone who has diabetes or a cold.  To me, there is a huge difference.  And when someone has diabetes or a cold, they get help and take medication.  These people see how they hurt people and do nothing about it except continue to proliferate discord and anger and pain.
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« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2014, 11:41:18 AM »

I never labeled it, exactly, but I did tell S13 that there were a lot of people involved in trying to understand N/BPDx's behavior, and that adults found him extremely challenging. I said that I knew something was wrong, but it can be hard for people to diagnose when someone is unwilling to admit they have a problem.

I wholeheartedly agree with Boss302 that teens are old enough to make sense of it. It might even be essential that they know. With my son, it was cathartic for him to learn that something was wrong with his dad. I had told him about the alcoholism part, but then when S13 spent time with his dad, there was this other thing going on that was much harder to pinpoint and in many ways more destructive.



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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2014, 11:59:08 AM »

I've told her that the issue is her mother's, not hers.  I've given examples of how she has done the same things to me and to her older brother.  She has her mom pegged pretty well, but I agree that knowing there a "thing" going on, like an actual name we give to people like this, would give her some extra validation.  My main concern is about it ever getting back to my ex.  See, she was never diagnosed, so that might be problematic and stir up a whole host of unnecessary drama.  Of course, I actually have evidence to back up my statements.
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« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2014, 01:37:46 PM »

OutofEgypt,

When my SO and I learned about BPD I began to read a lot about it and one of the books I read was Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship byChristine Ann Lawson.  It's been a few years since then but I still have the book... .or I did.

His D14 began asking questions and he mentioned I had the book and she asked to read it.  She immediately spotted her mother for the Queen she is.  It was helpful for me to understand there is a pattern to a pwBPD's behavior and I imagine for her it is the same.  To understand the crazy behaviors she sees are part of BPD and that her own behaviors are healthy/normal.  I'm happy to say I haven't seen my book in months it is more valuable for her to have as a reference or resource.  I hope her 18yo sister might take a look at it over winter break.  As far as I'm concerned knowledge is power.

D14 has been trying to put up some boundaries regarding her mother's behaviors but is struggling because she is a kid and mom is an adult.  But even though she isn't always sucessful D14 is modeling a healthy behavior.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2014, 01:44:06 PM »

Panda39,

That is excellent.  And I will definitely check out that book, thank you.  I've been reading about secure/insecure attachment and what is called "earned secure attachment status."  That is what I have.  I worked for it.  I went to four years of therapy with an ISTDP therapist (ISTDP is an attachment-based therapy that works amazingly).  But my T says that he really doesn't get anywhere when he treats young people who still live with the source of insecure attachment, like a BPD mother, because there is always that pressure to hand onto the unhealthy attachment.  I know this personally, since my therapy had serious limitations when I was still with my ex, and then skyrocketed once I finally left her.

I suspect my daughter will have to learn many things, too, and will not fully get out of the haze until she is old enough to move out.  But that is okay.  Although growing up with secure attachment is good, I have deep appreciation for and endless wisdom gained through working to get where I am, today.  And I know it will be the same for my kids.  Plus, they *do* have a secure attachment: me.
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« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2014, 01:53:11 PM »

I've told her that the issue is her mother's, not hers.  I've given examples of how she has done the same things to me and to her older brother.  She has her mom pegged pretty well, but I agree that knowing there a "thing" going on, like an actual name we give to people like this, would give her some extra validation.  My main concern is about it ever getting back to my ex.  See, she was never diagnosed, so that might be problematic and stir up a whole host of unnecessary drama.  Of course, I actually have evidence to back up my statements.

You know your D better than anything, including a counselor. Do you think she would angrily use it against her mom? Or would it cause her to be more aloof toward her? I was most worried that S13 would kind of ice up toward his dad, which might trigger extinction burst type of behavior. But right after talking to S13 directly about his dad, visitation was terminated and I never had to worry about it.

What about buying a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells or maybe even Randy Kreger's more recent book, which has more up to date research, and tell your D that there are descriptions of behavior in the book that might help her understand some things. If your D wants to talk more, you can always say that you don't have a dx, but that the book helped explain a lot and made you realize something serious was going on that only a trained therapist could handle, and only if your ex was willing to undergo an evaluation and subsequent treatment.


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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2014, 11:40:51 AM »

Thanks, everyone.  I had a few good talks with my D.  I didn't use the term "Borderline", but I talked to her in a bit more detail.  I also told her that I was thinking of buying a book that might help her see that this is real and that she's not alone in this.  She said she might read it.  So, after taking a look at the various suggestions, I opted to buy "Understanding the Borderline Mother".  It looks pretty good.  The Google Books preview of the book actually lets you read large sections of the book, and some of the descriptions were uncanny in how they match her mother, who is really a combination of all four types, but definitely predominantly a Queen.

She was pretty upset the other night again.  She said something, while crying, that she has said more than once:  "I wish I had a mom."  Breaks my heart.  I know what she means... .she means she wishes she had a motherly mom.  All her friends think her mom is "so cool" and love her to death, but she knows that it's a lie... .a very painful lie, as her friends prefer her mother over her (at least, that is how she feels).

Thanks, again.  We'll see how this goes.
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« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2014, 11:47:57 AM »

Read the whole book yourself first, OEE. I found it pretty brutal emotionally, especially Lawson's talk about serial killers having BPD mothers. FYI, it's much cheaper as an e-book, if that format works for you.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2014, 12:01:47 PM »

Thanks, Turkish.  I saw a part similar to what you are talking about while I was reading the samples.  Pretty brutal is right.  My D and I like to watch crime drama, criminal profiler, and investigative discovery television shows.  I remember watching a show with her that was all about abnormal psychology.  I wondered if she saw her mother in those, but probably not.  Anyway, I want to read the book with her, and I've prepared to talk to her about brutal and severe parts, like that, and about the suicide parts.  She needs to know her mommy is not going to commit suicide.  The last thing I want to do is instill a fear that her mother will do something like that.  I'll tell her that there is a VAST spectrum of degree within the parameters of this disorder, and that her mommy is obviously no murderer and is not going to kill herself.  OR, I may just read it to her and skip over parts that are a bit too much for a teenager to hear and connect to her mother.
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« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2014, 12:25:29 PM »

Thanks, Turkish.  I saw a part similar to what you are talking about while I was reading the samples.  Pretty brutal is right.  My D and I like to watch crime drama, criminal profiler, and investigative discovery television shows.  I remember watching a show with her that was all about abnormal psychology.  I wondered if she saw her mother in those, but probably not.  Anyway, I want to read the book with her, and I've prepared to talk to her about brutal and severe parts, like that, and about the suicide parts.  She needs to know her mommy is not going to commit suicide.  The last thing I want to do is instill a fear that her mother will do something like that.  I'll tell her that there is a VAST spectrum of degree within the parameters of this disorder, and that her mommy is obviously no murderer and is not going to kill herself.  OR, I may just read it to her and skip over parts that are a bit too much for a teenager to hear and connect to her mother.

You raise a really good point. I might help her put information about BPD in perspective just in case she continues to search and understand beyond the book.  When I discovered BPD and NPD online it nearly broke me. I had been feeling pretty stressed out before I starting reading about BPD online, but nothing like how I felt when I came across some of the nuttier sites. It was so dark and hopeless and I kept going to the worse-case scenario, thinking my ex was going to snap like some of the worst descriptions. Maybe you could have a conversation with your D about how to focus on well-researched books, and stay away from sensational sights, and understand that there are low-functioning and high-functioning types of BPD. Not everyone has every symptom, and sometimes BPD can co-occur with multiple other issues.



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