He Doesn't Like Counseling

[Cat Familiar]

No matter what happens, the relationship will never be what I had wanted it to be or what I pretended it was. No matter what happens moving forward, my husband and I have a history together and there will always be wounds and baggage that we have to work with on a daily basis. I can rethink what it is that I want or will accept out of a relationship but that is never going to be what I wanted out of a relationship up to this point. I will be perfectly honest and admit that I struggle with accepting the reality of my situation. I have always known things under the surface but was able to deny or pretend that it wasn't there.

I really understand the grief that comes with the acceptance that the relationship may never even approximate what one might have believed it to be in the beginning. That sounds really abstract and convoluted. Perhaps a better way for me to express it would be that somewhere love died and in its place there's an angry stranger. Fortunately my stranger is not overtly angry very often, but he turns the anger within and is regularly depressed. Kind of sucks the life out of the room when he enters. So much for the warm and loving man he was at the beginning. I guess I'm now aloof and removed, so he has something to gripe about too.

Condolences on the loss of your aunt. 

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[vortex of confusion]

Thank you all for the condolences!

I really understand the grief that comes with the acceptance that the relationship may never even approximate what one might have believed it to be in the beginning. That sounds really abstract and convoluted. Perhaps a better way for me to express it would be that somewhere love died and in its place there's an angry stranger. Fortunately my stranger is not overtly angry very often, but he turns the anger within and is regularly depressed. Kind of sucks the life out of the room when he enters. So much for the warm and loving man he was at the beginning. I guess I'm now aloof and removed, so he has something to gripe about too.

I keep reading about how in the beginning things were all great and wonderful with a partner. Yes, my husband and I got along in the beginning and at different parts during our marriage but there was never the love bombing. Heck, he wouldn't even ask me to be his girlfriend. I am the one that had to ask him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend or what. I feel like there has always been something missing between us, like maybe a basic lack of compatibility. I sometimes wonder if we are both BPD or if we are both suffering from PTSD from a natural disaster that happened early on. And then there are other days when I wonder if both of our behavior is due to the fact that we chose each other because we were afraid to be alone. Now that we have 4 kids, we are trying to make the best of the situation. I cope with it by trying to fix myself and everything around me and he copes by withdrawing into his computer and stuff like that.

You sure had hopes and dreams that your H would be capable of things that (as of today) he's obviously not capable of. I don't think you were really hoping for a fantasy that walked off the screen of a Disney princess movie 

I was going to make a joke about Shrek but I don't think Shrek was Disney.

Again, thanks for the condolences. It was due to natural causes but it was still unexpected and there has been some FOO drama.

[Cat Familiar]

I keep reading about how in the beginning things were all great and wonderful with a partner. Yes, my husband and I got along in the beginning and at different parts during our marriage but there was never the love bombing. Heck, he wouldn't even ask me to be his girlfriend. I am the one that had to ask him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend or what. I feel like there has always been something missing between us, like maybe a basic lack of compatibility. I sometimes wonder if we are both BPD or if we are both suffering from PTSD from a natural disaster that happened early on. And then there are other days when I wonder if both of our behavior is due to the fact that we chose each other because we were afraid to be alone. Now that we have 4 kids, we are trying to make the best of the situation. I cope with it by trying to fix myself and everything around me and he copes by withdrawing into his computer and stuff like that.

Nope, nope, nope! I've been reading your posts, Vortex, and no way are you BPD.

[Grey Kitty]

I concur. You are nowhere near BPD.

As for your H... .I consider the question ":)oes he have BPD?" to be much less important than this question: ":)o the tools and lessons and support I'm getting here help me improve my marriage?"

[formflier]

 

I'm with GK.  Don't focus on yes or no to BPD.  There is no doubt he displays traits... .or behaviors.  There may be many reasons why he does this... .if the reasons are different... .you still use the tools the same for the behavior.