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LucyH

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« on: December 04, 2014, 09:29:23 AM »

Hi everyone,

My partner has recently been 'diagnosed' with BPD. I put that in quotes because though it was technically a self-diagnosis, we've done our research, a bunch of reading, and conferred with our mutual therapist. He fits the profile in so many ways: quick to rage, triggered easily, spirals into depression with suicidal thoughts, impulsive behaviour (with money, driving too fast, making rash decisions), substance over-use, black-white thinking, the deep feeling of aloneness. The list continues but I'm sure you're all familiar with it.

Before we were together, he had already done a lot of work that puts him into what I feel is a different category. He has training in Non-Violent Communication, meditation, tai chi... .and though he doesn't practice, he also doesn't do that textbook flip-flop. It's more of a "you hate me, I hate me" spiral. When he's in this space, he insists that we should split up, that the world (especially myself and our daughter) would be better off without him.

This year has been particularly hard:

His brother committed suicide

His mother (classic BPD but uninterested in acknowledging or seeking help) falsely accused him of a multitude of atrocities

He remembered a pile of awful childhood experiences that were repressed until we had our own child

He emancipated himself from his family (which is better for him but still difficult)

The frequency of his BPD attacks have increased, but he's learning to name his feelings (YAY!).

I believe in him and his power to get better. In fact, I think he can do anything he sets his mind to.

I've been reading Randi Kreger's Essential Family Guide and implementing some of the tools (including self-care and realizing my own desire to Rescue/Fix/Submit). When I use the communication tools, they tend to work well.

I feel he's slipping though. He's in the middle of the biggest episode I've ever seen him in. He wants us to sell the house, split up, for our daughter's sake and mine. And I'm grasping, trying to figure out how to respond "appropriately" for all of us.

This is a long post (sorry). I suppose I just wanted to get it out there, to know that I'm not alone, and to figure out what to do next.

What do you say to your BPD partner when they try to push you away?

I simply can't call the realtor every time he has an episode. Leaving doesn't feel like the option I want, especially now that he's in light therapy (social worker), and is able to name his issues. It feels like a great step forward but it's messier than ever.

Kind words only please. I feel quite fragile today.

Thanks for reading this far.

Luce. 
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maxsterling
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« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2014, 09:51:04 AM »

Hi Lucy -

That sounds familiar to my situation. I am married to a very self-aware and diagnosed woman with BPD.  She's gone through DBT therapy, hospitalizations, and has made progress over the years in that she hasn't abused drugs or alcohol in a dozen years.

Yet, the BPD traits are still in full force   and she is very self aware.  These days when she spirals, she lashes out at others, but quickly turns it inwards.  That's hard for me to see, because it's like she knows her behavior is self destructive, yet can't stop. 

My best advice to you right now is to recognize the natural boundary between you and him.  He has to take care of his issues, and you have to take care of yours.  That means you have to understand you can support him, but you can't help him.  I struggle with this myself, but the more I start to recognize that her issues are hers to handle, the less stress I carry.  It sounds to me like he is reaching out for help - and believe me, that is HUGE.  You just have to trust that he can and will take care of himself. 

As for his talk of moving - I hear that in my r/s as well.  I think calling a relator and having serious discussions about moving will feed the monster, and I discourage you from doing that.  Perhaps having a discussion with him about why he wants to move and where he wants to move will get him to open up and he will then recognize that moving won't solve his issues, and it will help both of you understand what his real issues are.
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LucyH

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« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2014, 10:33:46 AM »

My best advice to you right now is to recognize the natural boundary between you and him.  He has to take care of his issues, and you have to take care of yours.  That means you have to understand you can support him, but you can't help him.  I struggle with this myself, but the more I start to recognize that her issues are hers to handle, the less stress I carry.  It sounds to me like he is reaching out for help - and believe me, that is HUGE.  You just have to trust that he can and will take care of himself. 

This is perfect, thank you!

I completely agree that calling a realtor will not help the issue. In fact, since I posted this morning, my sweetheart texted to thank me for being "present and steadfast". He told me about how he was feeling before he left and reiterated that he was glad to be able to find the words. I don't believe he truly wants to sell the house and split up; I think that's where he goes in his emptiness.

Congratulations to your sweetheart for leaving the drugs and alcohol behind. We home brew; it doesn't really help. :/

Where do you find your strength? How do you keep centered?

The love doesn't change but my heart aches. 
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2014, 11:11:59 AM »

The love doesn't change but my heart aches. 

Sums it up perfectly    I'm not sure where my strength comes from, but I freely admit that at times I feel like I have none left.  I'm a patient person by nature, a listener, and I try to understand people's situations.  In all honesty, I don't think I would still be in this if she were not capable of self reflection at times and taking steps to work on herself.  Sure, I need more from her, but the vitriol towards me or other isn't 24/7.  I think I am constantly weighing the pros and cons of this r/s, and right now it still feels like I see more positive for the future than negative.

One thing about BPD, whatever they claim they are upset about or want is 99% likely not really what they are upset about or want.  If you listen, you will notice they contradict themselves, or have patterns that are recognizable.  In the case of my wife wanting to move, if I look at the pattern of her life it's been characterized by constant change.  So, when she says she wants to move, it's not because she knows she will be happier someplace else, but instead it's the change that she is used to and she knows she is unhappy with her life right now. 
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LucyH

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« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2014, 11:39:30 AM »

Thank you again, MaxSterling.

For my partner, his flight or need to move... .or need to break up... .comes from a deeper "leave or be left". He has all sorts of reasons for feeling that way. His fear of abandonment started early and justly. Still, that doesn't make it suck any less. For any of us.

Our daughter already makes comment about him being "upset" or "sad". It's important to me that we teach her the vocabulary as well as the coping mechanisms... .but she is only 2. In fact, not quite 2.

I too tend towards a patient nature, a listener, an empath. I completely agree that the r/s wouldn't have lasted if it weren't for his own self-awareness. But (perhaps you can relate with your wife) the self-awareness gets in the way sometimes. Because he can be so deeply aware, he becomes even more assured that he is right when he feels isolated and despondent. As you say, he contradicts himself but he is "always right". Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for your support.

I'm already glad I joined the group. No wonder they refer to you as a Welcome Ambassador.

Luce.

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2014, 11:52:09 AM »

Thank you again, MaxSterling.

For my partner, his flight or need to move... .or need to break up... .comes from a deeper "leave or be left". He has all sorts of reasons for feeling that way. His fear of abandonment started early and justly. Still, that doesn't make it suck any less. For any of us.

Our daughter already makes comment about him being "upset" or "sad". It's important to me that we teach her the vocabulary as well as the coping mechanisms... .but she is only 2. In fact, not quite 2.

I too tend towards a patient nature, a listener, an empath. I completely agree that the r/s wouldn't have lasted if it weren't for his own self-awareness. But (perhaps you can relate with your wife) the self-awareness gets in the way sometimes. Because he can be so deeply aware, he becomes even more assured that he is right when he feels isolated and despondent. As you say, he contradicts himself but he is "always right". Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for your support.

I'm already glad I joined the group. No wonder they refer to you as a Welcome Ambassador.

Luce.

Hello and welcome! Please, stay and post often! We are all here to support each other and gain strength from each other. You will find most of our stories are the similar, BPD seems to beat at a pretty obvious drum.

My dBPDh also will go through moments where he says he should take out a life insurance policy and kill himself because the children and I would be better off. He's depressed because his truck broke down, and that was his means of work. (Long story short, we paid someone 2300 to rebuild the motor, they have dragged their feet for 7 months, so another thing that eats at him)

When he says these things, I just hold his hand, look into face, and tell him I'm sorry he is hurting, and that I love him and I am here for him. He usually says he doesn't know why, and I will say but I do.



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LucyH

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« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2014, 12:16:01 PM »

Thanks ColdEthyl. There is real power in staying still and being loving.

Thanks for the inspiration:

Excerpt
When he says these things, I just hold his hand, look into face, and tell him I'm sorry he is hurting, and that I love him and I am here for him. He usually says he doesn't know why, and I will say but I do.

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2014, 12:53:51 PM »

Thanks ColdEthyl. There is real power in staying still and being loving.

Thanks for the inspiration:

Excerpt
When he says these things, I just hold his hand, look into face, and tell him I'm sorry he is hurting, and that I love him and I am here for him. He usually says he doesn't know why, and I will say but I do.


Most of the time, that's all the need, even if their behavior doesn't seem that way Smiling (click to insert in post)
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LucyH

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« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2014, 12:57:13 PM »

 
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takingandsending
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« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2014, 03:10:34 PM »

Hi Lucy. I wanted to join max and ethyl in welcoming you to the community. I think it is awesome that your partner is willing to examine his history and understand what drives his behaviors. But as you note, that is not necessarily enough to arrest the maladaptive coping strategies that he has developed. It is hard work for pwBPD to overcome their own habitual thought patterns.

You are already familiar with Randi Kreger's books - the SWOE work book has been helpful to me with my uBPDw. We also have young children, 9 and 3, and I am just teaching my S9 some validation and emotion basics, like "It's okay for mom to be angry. You don't have to agree with her feeling, but it's okay for her to feel that way."

The lessons at the right of this page offer very solid tools for understanding and communicating and developing healthy boundaries. All of these things are necessary, and also really help the pwBPD. Consistency in approach, communication and expectations really help the pwBPD regulate themselves a little better.

I am happy that you found this community and encourage you to keep posting.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2014, 03:28:31 PM »

One thing about BPD, whatever they claim they are upset about or want is 99% likely not really what they are upset about or want.  If you listen, you will notice they contradict themselves, or have patterns that are recognizable.  In the case of my wife wanting to move, if I look at the pattern of her life it's been characterized by constant change.  So, when she says she wants to move, it's not because she knows she will be happier someplace else, but instead it's the change that she is used to and she knows she is unhappy with her life right now.

When he says these things, I just hold his hand, look into face, and tell him I'm sorry he is hurting, and that I love him and I am here for him. He usually says he doesn't know why, and I will say but I do.

Wow, this is so spot-on for my experience. I often hear my BPDw (think that's right, still new to this terminology) tell me that she doesn't understand why I stay, and I look in her eyes and say that I love you.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2014, 06:08:39 PM »

  Welcome, LucyH.

I'm glad to hear that you are having good luck when you use the communication tools. They really do help. And posting here about it when they either work well... .or don't work so well is very helpful too. Stick around and keep posting.

As for what to do when he tries to end everything to make it "better" for you and your daughter, try to validate his feelings if you can. Note: This is one of the more advanced tools, so if you don't feel up to it yet, or if it doesn't go well, that's OK.

More importantly, try not to engage too much with the 'threat' side of it. Some pwBPD use a threat of divorce to manipulate; your description doesn't sound too strong in that direction.

One approach is to say something like "I can't make you stay, but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay married to you."

And for yourself... .know that his immediate depressed mood will pass soon enough... .and he isn't very likely to actually move out, file for divorce, sell the house, etc. in that time period. Yes, his feelings are powerful, real, and sincere. No, they aren't permanent!

 GK
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LucyH

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« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2014, 07:50:23 AM »

One approach is to say something like "I can't make you stay, but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay married to you."

Thank you for this, Grey Kitty.

Last night, I told him I joined this community and he cried, thanking me for finding the support I need. This morning when he left for work, he growled "Have fun with your community and your events that I'm not even a part of". He was referring to a community dinner (he would hate) that he can't make tonight but I'm sure there was some of this in there as well. It's as if my successes (in community, my business, anything really) are his failings. I told him that if he could make it to the event, we would all love it very much.

I'm inspired by all of you who have learned these communication tools. I wish I had them already... .especially since my toddler is being, well, a toddler. It's push-pull all over the place right now.

Thanks again for the support. 

Luce
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2014, 09:04:34 AM »

Last night, I told him I joined this community and he cried, thanking me for finding the support I need.

A really quick caution: Keep him away from this community, for your own protection.

It is safe here because we are anonymous, so what you share with someone like me won't get back to anybody else in your life.

You need to be able to talk frankly about him, and know that it won't get back to him. You may need to vent, to virtually scream about how horrible he is. Keep this forum safe for you to do that as much as you need.

Here's a quick list of precautions:



  • Don't tell him what the URL is here. (It sounds too late to avoid telling him that you did find an online support community. In general, avoiding mention of that is safer)


  • Don't use a handle that matches anything else in your life, your real name, or a handle you use anywhere else online. (Note: If you already blew this, contact the moderators--they can help you fix it!)


  • Don't leave traces of your time here on your computer (or phone, or whatever). Use anonymous browsing. Always log out.


  • If he does read your email sometimes, get a new email that he doesn't know about, and use it for the forum software


  • When you tell your story here, try to leave out details that would help him identify you here, or even change things that aren't important which might throw him off track if he did follow you here.



He does sound self-aware than the pwBPD 90% of the members here have to deal with, so this stuff may seem less important. If you are lucky, it will never matter.

Still... .he's going to be dealing with some difficult stuff in the near future, especially if you start changing how you behave and taking better care of yourself. Your 'healthy' response will take away some of his 'normal' unhealthy coping mechanisms, and he's going to reach into his emotional toolbox to cope, and most of what's in there are broken dangerous tools. Expect him to emotionally flail around soon.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2014, 11:55:25 AM »

Lucy,

You may be surprised at the steps that Grey Kitty suggests, but a lot of members have weathered severe fallout with their partners when they discovered that they had been in contact with a support group. All you can do is use your best judgment. It still unsettles me that I keep nearly all of my self-care tools secret from my wife. I hate that. It's not who I am, nor what I want my RS to be. But the folks here, through experience, and my therapist both really recommended it. My wife is not diagnosed and not aware of her illness. Your partner is. Again, you have to use your best judgment.

Wishing you luck and progress in navigating these waters. 
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LucyH

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« Reply #15 on: December 05, 2014, 12:45:40 PM »

Thank you, Grey Kitty and takingandsending.

I really do appreciate your recommendations and advice.

My partner doesn't know the name of the forum or the url, just that I found it based on some research; my handle doesn't match my name nor does he know it; he doesn't read my email (and the email I use for this forum is different from my usual one as well). I am confident he wouldn't follow me here but I completely agree that this forum needs to be kept sacred so that it can fulfill its purpose. Thank you for that. I will be more diligent at logging out.

Part of the reason I'm here is because he's been emotionally flailing more than ever before. In many ways, I see it as progress, even if we have yet the tools to manage. Most of the time, I think he feels the same way. But I'm sure that having a safe community to speak about this clearly and openly will be a big part of our future, whatever that may be.



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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2014, 01:01:25 PM »

Whew. You sound just fine, Lucy. No worries. Maybe somebody else who was less cautious will read this and save themself some grief.

Part of the reason I'm here is because he's been emotionally flailing more than ever before. In many ways, I see it as progress, even if we have yet the tools to manage. Most of the time, I think he feels the same way. But I'm sure that having a safe community to speak about this clearly and openly will be a big part of our future, whatever that may be.

I think you are right about it being progress. That sort of flailing around is probably the result of him becoming more aware of feelings that he doesn't yet have good tools to cope with.

And without the awareness, he wouldn't even realize he needs better tools.

Hang in there--it can be quite a ride some of the time!
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #17 on: December 05, 2014, 01:25:29 PM »

Thank you, Grey Kitty and takingandsending.

I really do appreciate your recommendations and advice.

My partner doesn't know the name of the forum or the url, just that I found it based on some research; my handle doesn't match my name nor does he know it; he doesn't read my email (and the email I use for this forum is different from my usual one as well). I am confident he wouldn't follow me here but I completely agree that this forum needs to be kept sacred so that it can fulfill its purpose. Thank you for that. I will be more diligent at logging out.

Part of the reason I'm here is because he's been emotionally flailing more than ever before. In many ways, I see it as progress, even if we have yet the tools to manage. Most of the time, I think he feels the same way. But I'm sure that having a safe community to speak about this clearly and openly will be a big part of our future, whatever that may be.


Whew I'm glad Grey Kitty covered that. I try to tell new peeps the same thing, I made a big mistake letting my dBPDh know I was on here. He spent a few days being passive aggressive saying stuff  "I'm sorry I'm so complicated you need to be on a website/get books about it" and "I'm too much work. I should leave you don't have to put up with me" ... .stuff like that for a few days.

I brought my books up to work and read them on lunch, and I only check this website from work. After that first few days, he quit saying it. Out of sight... .out of mind for them on some issues.
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LucyH

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« Reply #18 on: December 05, 2014, 01:33:50 PM »

Thanks ColdEthyl. It's so important to figure out what works for each of us, hey?

We've had The Essential Family Guide and Radical Acceptance on our kitchen table for a couple of weeks. We've both been picking through them. It seems like my pwBPD is finding strength in having a name for his feelings. It's validating for him, like there's a reason behind everything he's felt and experienced. He sometimes sends me a line or a paragraph he resonates with. It gives me hope.

The real challenge I face is in 'self-care'. I've never been particularly good at putting myself first and now that I'm a mom, an entrepreneur, and a partner to someone who needs more emotional support than I initially expected, I fall WAY to bottom of the priority ladder. That's another reason I'm here... .to find inspiration in those who understand and who are taking steps to heal themselves.

Kudos to finding something that works for you, ColdEthyl. If it means anything, it's not so much that the BPD is an anomaly; more that I don't have the tools I want. I also get books out (and look online) about how to parent my toddler. 
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #19 on: December 05, 2014, 01:42:41 PM »

Thanks ColdEthyl. It's so important to figure out what works for each of us, hey?

We've had The Essential Family Guide and Radical Acceptance on our kitchen table for a couple of weeks. We've both been picking through them. It seems like my pwBPD is finding strength in having a name for his feelings. It's validating for him, like there's a reason behind everything he's felt and experienced. He sometimes sends me a line or a paragraph he resonates with. It gives me hope.

The real challenge I face is in 'self-care'. I've never been particularly good at putting myself first and now that I'm a mom, an entrepreneur, and a partner to someone who needs more emotional support than I initially expected, I fall WAY to bottom of the priority ladder. That's another reason I'm here... .to find inspiration in those who understand and who are taking steps to heal themselves.

Kudos to finding something that works for you, ColdEthyl. If it means anything, it's not so much that the BPD is an anomaly; more that I don't have the tools I want. I also get books out (and look online) about how to parent my toddler. 

I totally understand you there. I had "What to expect when you're expecting" when I was pregnant, I have material for my S10 who's Asperger's, and now I have material for my dBPDh Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I'm also at the bottom of my self-care list. I worry about everyone else all the time, and nothing makes me happier than making them happy. But, that's a bit unhealthy for me. Over the past 2 years, my mindset has been changing. I'm starting to enjoy doing things with my own company, and that's been awesome.
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LucyH

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« Reply #20 on: December 05, 2014, 01:48:07 PM »

Over the past 2 years, my mindset has been changing. I'm starting to enjoy doing things with my own company, and that's been awesome.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

That's huge! I did a little free yoga yesterday. It's the little things. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #21 on: December 05, 2014, 01:51:33 PM »

Taking care of yourself is hard. What things have worked for you when you do try it?

I've got another suggestion for you:

Try to validate what he says about his mental health issues, being very careful not to indicate that you agree (or disagree) with it.

And try to avoid talking a lot about what you do to better manage his mental illness.

I don't mean be completely secretive about it; just don't bring the topic up.

Today he's excited about learning how he can change. The next day, week, month, or year he may feel persecuted, blamed, and labeled when the going gets tough for him.

It will be better for you to be working on your side of things, and learning your tools separately from him. If you separate your progress from his, you will be better able to keep working on your side of it when he completely loses it and starts to backslide, which probably will happen from time to time.

My wife had an initial positive reaction to the idea of BPD and treatment for it, in fact she heard about it and told me about it. It wasn't much later that I was accused of "Labeling her as the mentally ill one." or "Trying to fix her." or "Thinking she was broken." We've both made TONS of progress since then (A couple years back!), but only a week or two ago she made a passing reference to the "That time when I thought she was mentally ill."
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LucyH

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« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2014, 02:04:52 PM »

Wow, good advice again, thank you! Can I just hang out here all the time please?

What works?

Yoga.

I often don't do yoga but it's been around for a very long time and it's always something I can add into my life and feel like I've taken some burden away. This week was my kiddo's last swim class (which conflicted with the free community yoga). I'd like to make an effort to going every week. Sitter and schedule willing, of course.

Writing.

I write for others professionally but when I have the chance to write for myself, it's super helpful in terms of balancing my emotions. I think that's partly why I feel so good here already.

I'm currently interviewing candidates for hobbies but tbh, I don't have a lot of time for myself and we're headed into full hibernation here. I might have to settle for yoga, this community, and wine until spring. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Grey Kitty, I'm super excited about your progress and really touched by the similarity in your experience. I'll try your suggestions.

Communication Question:

In terms of validating without agreeing, am I on the right track?

This is an excerpt from our texts today in reference to a community dinner.

dh: I do like the idea of feeling like I'm a part of that community (or a community). I don't though. I'm not... .I'm feeling so fragile. Nobody wants me in the room, I'm not feeling friendly and open. I'm feeling the opposite. Nobody wants to be around that or see that.

me: I totally understand that you feel fragile. I wouldn't want to go to a community dinner feeling fragile either. If you can make it (and feel like pushing your comfort zone), you'd be welcomed with open arms. I love you.

Is there something I can do better? Differently?

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #23 on: December 05, 2014, 02:08:46 PM »

We've both made TONS of progress since then (A couple years back!), but only a week or two ago she made a passing reference to the "That time when I thought she was mentally ill."

Man oh man they do not forget a thing or let anything go like that do they? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I dunno if yours does this, but another thing that churns my butter is when they make an assumption about something, not matter how many times you correct them on it, they keep going with that old piece of information. For some reason, my dBPDh had gotten it into his head that I think James Franco is hot, which I don't. But anytime he's on TV he has to say something. >.> Or, this particular show we watch he kept saying this event happened in season 2, and I've already told and proven it was in season 3 but when he brings it up... .it's still 2.
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LucyH

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« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2014, 02:11:47 PM »

Man oh man they do not forget a thing or let anything go like that do they? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I dunno if yours does this, but another thing that churns my butter is when they make an assumption about something, not matter how many times you correct them on it, they keep going with that old piece of information. For some reason, my dBPDh had gotten it into his head that I think James Franco is hot, which I don't. But anytime he's on TV he has to say something. >.> Or, this particular show we watch he kept saying this event happened in season 2, and I've already told and proven it was in season 3 but when he brings it up... .it's still 2.

Ahahahaha! YES!

I "don't like to cuddle in bed" to the point of "hating it when [he] touches me"! Ummmmm, what?

For years, he's been asking me who in Hollywood I think is hot but I don't dare tell him. I could never live it down!
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #25 on: December 05, 2014, 02:15:15 PM »

Man oh man they do not forget a thing or let anything go like that do they? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I dunno if yours does this, but another thing that churns my butter is when they make an assumption about something, not matter how many times you correct them on it, they keep going with that old piece of information. For some reason, my dBPDh had gotten it into his head that I think James Franco is hot, which I don't. But anytime he's on TV he has to say something. >.> Or, this particular show we watch he kept saying this event happened in season 2, and I've already told and proven it was in season 3 but when he brings it up... .it's still 2.

Ahahahaha! YES!

I "don't like to cuddle in bed" to the point of "hating it when [he] touches me"! Ummmmm, what?

For years, he's been asking me who in Hollywood I think is hot but I don't dare tell him. I could never live it down!

Don't do it! It's a trap! rofl
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« Reply #26 on: December 05, 2014, 06:55:40 PM »

Yoga and writing both sound great! (For a while I lived somewhere that had a fantastic yoga instructor who gave very cheap classes. I haven't done well practicing on my own. Perhaps I'll spend some time there this winter.)

I've found that writing my own journal was very helpful, as well as writing here. Sometimes I was feeling like it would be redundant, so I just copied and pasted stuff I'd written here into my journal.

Do you have local friends and family you can spend time with? Either to talk about r/s difficulties... .or to just have a 'normal' conversation that doesn't go there. Both are helpful!

Communication Question:

In terms of validating without agreeing, am I on the right track?

This is an excerpt from our texts today in reference to a community dinner.

dh: I do like the idea of feeling like I'm a part of that community (or a community). I don't though. I'm not... .I'm feeling so fragile. Nobody wants me in the room, I'm not feeling friendly and open. I'm feeling the opposite. Nobody wants to be around that or see that.

me: I totally understand that you feel fragile. I wouldn't want to go to a community dinner feeling fragile either. If you can make it (and feel like pushing your comfort zone), you'd be welcomed with open arms. I love you.

Is there something I can do better? Differently?

Looks good to me. Your first two sentences are great and validating.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Your next sentence is an invitation for him to take an action. It is good too, but it isn't validation.

It also has something in there that could be a little invalidating. When you say that he'd be welcomed with open arms, that is contradicting how he is feeling. He said "Nobody wants me in the room" I don't believe what he said is true, but contradicting what he says is invalidating.

Don't get too hung up over subtle details like this... .pay more attention to the reaction you get. If he feels invalidated, he will most likely react badly, and you will see the conversation starting to spiral down at this point.

And can you do better? It depends what you are trying to do. If you want to encourage him to go to the dinner, no, you can't get much better. If you just want to validate him, you would have done a little better stopping after the first two sentences, then validating whatever he said in response.
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LucyH

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« Reply #27 on: December 05, 2014, 08:26:45 PM »

Thanks Grey Kitty,

His response was great. He thanked me and felt both welcomed but not pressured. He didn't go to the dinner and I didn't need him to. I had a great time (as did the kiddo) and we came home to my partner in a happy house. He thanked me again for not pressuring him when I came home.

Phew!

Little by little, hey?

I will keep learning the words I need to feel secure and supportive. Thanks for the guidance.

Wishing you a sweet and peaceful night... .and a winter of yoga. Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #28 on: December 06, 2014, 12:57:59 PM »

I'm glad it worked out well for you!

Wow, good advice again, thank you! Can I just hang out here all the time please?

Please do! This is a great place to work on understanding both his issues and your own, and looking for ways to better cope with both.
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« Reply #29 on: December 06, 2014, 04:21:09 PM »

 

Lucy,

I generally think that texting about feelings and r/s details/issues is a bad thing. 

Soo... you may want to think about how to be much shorter... .but still supportive.

"Sounds frustrating... love you... let's talk when you get home... .".

Validating and "dealing with" BPD traits is much better in person because you can watch for cues that are only available in an in person conversation.

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