This seems to work for us but I'm open to other tools that work too. Do you have suggestions?
If texting is working... .the another one of my rules is don't fix what is not broken.
But... .my general point is that we are emotional beings... r/s issues are emotional. If the goal is to get towards a more healthy r/s... .then you want to be able to deal with positive and negative emotions in person.
If a texting r/s keeps positive emotions in person and then negative ones are handled "impersonally"... .that seems a bit lopsided. Fine if it "works for now"... .but I would caution using that as a long term solution.
Why? What happens with circumstances "force" dealing with negative emotions in person? Well... if there is no practice doing that... you could be set up for disaster. in a r/s with pwBPD... .practice does make perfect. More likely... .practice makes it better... but... you know what I mean.
I suggest moving to a paper based method. Write down the issue you would like to discuss... .a couple sentences or questions. Make sure to "read" your partner to see if it is a good time. Hand them the paper. Then... let them think about it for a couple of hours and get together to listen to their answers... .you think about it... .write down some follow up. Hand it to them... repeat cycle.
The key is to better read your partner about when it is a good time to talk... and to establish a procedure that helps them not dysregulate.
Thoughts?