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LucyH

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Living together in a variety of homes since 2009
Posts: 17



« Reply #30 on: December 11, 2014, 10:32:43 AM »

Thanks for your thoughts, formflier.

So far, I've found that by texting, we are able to be honest and direct without all the emotion and misreading that triggers my pwBPD. We're also forced to be more succinct than if we're face-to-face. My pwBPD has a tendency to rant in his anger but texting makes him slow down and think about his words. He's far less likely to be mean and far more likely to connect with his true feelings. Over text, we hash out the conflict then once the volatility dissipates, we can have a face-to-face that talks action steps in a loving way.

This seems to work for us but I'm open to other tools that work too. Do you have suggestions?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #31 on: December 11, 2014, 11:28:56 AM »

We are all different. I'm glad to hear that texting works for you -- Keep on using it that way.

It sure does strip most of the non-verbal and emotional stuff out, and I hadn't thought about how that could be a good thing.

I think this goes wrong with a lot of pwBPD because they read your words, and apply their own emotions to your words and spiral rapidly down toward dysregulation.

One thing that I've noticed about myself when texting is that the medium slows down communications, so if I need some time to calm down and think about what I really want to say and how I want to say it, I've got the time and space for it, without it seeming disruptive or dissrespectful. Face to face, you don't have much room for that.

Heck, I remember one text 'conversation' where I spent 2 hours including meditation, posting here, and calling a friend before I sent a response. That one went very well, and I'm 99% sure my wife had absolutely no idea how much I agonized about it before I sent it!
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formflier
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« Reply #32 on: December 12, 2014, 10:52:33 AM »

This seems to work for us but I'm open to other tools that work too. Do you have suggestions?

If texting is working... .the another one of my rules is don't fix what is not broken.

But... .my general point is that we are emotional beings... r/s issues are emotional.  If the goal is to get towards a more healthy r/s... .then you want to be able to deal with positive and negative emotions in person.

If a texting r/s keeps positive emotions in person and then negative ones are handled "impersonally"... .that seems a bit lopsided.  Fine if it "works for now"... .but I would caution using that as a long term solution.

Why?  What happens with circumstances "force" dealing with negative emotions in person?  Well... if there is no practice doing that... you could be set up for disaster.  in a r/s with pwBPD... .practice does make perfect.  More likely... .practice makes it better... but... you know what I mean.

I suggest moving to a paper based method.  Write down the issue you would like to discuss... .a couple sentences or questions.  Make sure to "read" your partner to see if it is a good time.  Hand them the paper.  Then... let them think about it for a couple of hours and get together to listen to their answers... .you think about it... .write down some follow up.  Hand it to them... repeat cycle.

The key is to better read your partner about when it is a good time to talk... and to establish a procedure that helps them not dysregulate.

Thoughts?
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maxsterling
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« Reply #33 on: December 12, 2014, 11:17:25 AM »

Regarding the texting - that's another one of those issues that really depends on the circumstance and the person, and you have to read the cues at any given moment as to which communication works best.  My wife tends to get worked up in text conversations, and has stated with friends before that it's the text messaging that creates a barrier.  I agree, in part.  But I can see it both ways here:

Positives about texting:

- While she tends to read emotions into text messages, she also reads emotions into facial expressions.  So, if I don't think I can keep a calm facial expression, a texting conversion may help keep tensions lower. 

- Texting is better than a phone call in most instances because cell phone sound quality is horrible, and if one person is driving (she tends to call me when she is driving) it's even worse.  And she calls when I am at work.  So if we can't talk in person, I'd much rather text message. 

- Sometimes it is easier to end a conversation and switch my phone off if the conversation is via text message than it is to walk out of the room or leave the house.  If things are really volatile, having that distance helps me, and could be important for my safety.  If she is angry, she's angry, and it really doesn't make a difference to the outcome whether the conversation is in person or in text message.  If the outcome is unaffected by the conversation method, I might as well choose the one that does the best job of protecting my boundaries. 

Negatives about texting:

- Things are more easily misinterpreted. 

- Things usually come to some kind of eventual resolution in person, text messages tend to leave things hanging if there is some kind of heated argument. 

- Things discussed via text will almost always need to be discussed in person at some point. 

- Time delay.  pwBPD emotions are fast-acting.  Not getting an immediate response could make a small issue a huge issue.
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