Had a really good breakthrough with my girlfriend who has BPD. Last week I arranged a free counselling session for myself, to talk about my relationship struggles - in particular her self-harm/suicidal problems and the way she treats me in general (everything has been extremely unstable recently). I've put up with a lot for nearly a year, and its getting a lot to deal with recently. Anyway, she has always had major problems validating and accepting that I have my own feelings too. She always thinks that I should be able to deal perfectly well with being in a relationship with her - only her feelings matter and I should always put her first not myself. So I got this counselling appointment and did not tell her - obviously she wouldn't understand and it would cause a BPD frenzy.
However she spotted a text on my phone from the counselling team (I was on my phone, she wasn't searching through it), and she asked me about it. I came clean as lying would have made the matter worse. I explained that I'd booked myself an appointment to vent my feelings and thoughts as it can be overwhelming to be with her. SHE WENT MENTAL. We argued for half an hour before she left my house. We continued to argue over the phone. She said that if I went for counselling then she would end the relationship. I did not back down, I made it clear that I was going to be attending this appointment (I need to for my own sake and our relationship). I spent time explaining to her why I needed to talk to somebody else. I was very careful not to become verbally aggressive with her (sometimes she really drives me crazy and I can get a bit harsh with my tone). She was very upset that I'd gone behind her back - understandable, but she knows she lacks any empathy towards me, so it seemed a bad idea to tell her.
Anyway, I expressed my feelings on why I want a counselling session, how this doesn't mean that I think my feelings are worse than hers, and why I didn't tell her in the first place. I told her that I was doing this purely for myself and our relationship, how I don't want to lose her. Being so open and honest, and not backing down to what she wanted (me to not go for counselling), worked really well. She gradually grew to understand where I was coming from. This is one of first boundaries I've set with her that has been successful. Now she understands why I want to go to counselling, and she is letting me go without any issues. It took several hours of arguing but I cannot believe that she is accepting what I want. She even said that she struggles to see things outside of her bubble and that as long as she's in the loop then counselling might be a good thing. For someone who has a major problem validating my emotions, she has amazed me tonight.
Basically I've learned how to stay strong and get what I need in this relationship. And at the same time, keeping her calm and sane.
