Separation/Long Distance Relationships with pwBPD

[EaglesJuju]

I have been separated by 2,000 miles from my uBPDbf for almost three months now.  It has been a struggle to maintain contact and regain some normalcy.  In retrospect, I think his decision to leave and get help was good.  The distance really triggers my own abandonment issues, even though I am working on it in therapy.  Has anyone had experience with this or advice how to cope?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

A long-distance r/s is different, challenging in many ways, but good in others.

What about it is difficult for you, personally?

Did you move away, or did he? Do you have other friends or family locally?

How long did you live together (same town or same home) before the separation three months ago?

[EaglesJuju]

A long-distance r/s is different, challenging in many ways, but good in others.

What about it is difficult for you, personally?

Did you move away, or did he? Do you have other friends or family locally?

How long did you live together (same town or same home) before the separation three months ago?

Thanks for the response, Grey Kitty.  The most difficult things are missing him so much and his lack of communication.  Sometimes I feel so lonely, sad, and scared that he is going to never come back (my abandonment issues).   We lived together for four years and I am originally from this area.  His decision to leave was so impulsive and I think he was not prepared for the impact of such a huge decision.  He moved across the country, where the majority of his family lives.  He has had a problem talking to me on a regular basis.  I believe it has to do with him somewhat regretting his decision and knowing that I am hurting as a result.  I have been strong with his avoidance, push/pull behavior, and projection.  I mainly communicate via texts.  I found that talking to him on the phone upsets him. I could handle these types of behaviors when he was here but, now that he is 2,000 miles away, it is so hard.     

[Grey Kitty]

To me, that sounds like you are upset at his BPD behavior, pushing you away, rejecting you, and not being at all emotionally available to you.

The 2000 miles just give him a little help doing it, and make it a bit easier for him to pretend that he's not rejecting you.

How much longer will you be separated like this?

[EaglesJuju]

To me, that sounds like you are upset at his BPD behavior, pushing you away, rejecting you, and not being at all emotionally available to you.

The 2000 miles just give him a little help doing it, and make it a bit easier for him to pretend that he's not rejecting you.

How much longer will you be separated like this?

I was upset about pushing me away and spoke with him about it.  A lack of communication is a huge trigger for my own co-dependency issues.   On one of his more cogent days, he agreed it made matters worse and agreed to communicate more.  He has been going to therapy more often and surprisingly, I  had a conversation with him last night, where he was completely emotionally available and validated me. He even said that he needs to be more aware/understanding of my feelings and validate me more    We do communicate but, it is mainly me texting first.  He will respond immediately if I text/call him.

He wanted me to move out there with him.  I said it would a terrible idea for me to give up graduate school. He really did not provide an exact time frame.  First it was February, then it was I am not sure, then it was by August.  I believe that his "uncertainty" mainly has to do with financial issues.  What I did not know when left, he accumulated a massive amount of debt and could not afford his car and other bills.  He is currently living with a family member and is not paying anything. 

[Grey Kitty]

When are you expecting to graduate? You could look for a new job in a new place with your new degree, and that sounds a lot more reasonable than moving half-way through your program.

Is he talking about moving back, or waiting for you to move out when the schedule was for February, then not sure, then August?

Meanwhile... .you are figuring out that you won't get anything you want unless you take the lead in this r/s.

Are you able to find yourself at peace with this reality?

[EaglesJuju]

When are you expecting to graduate? You could look for a new job in a new place with your new degree, and that sounds a lot more reasonable than moving half-way through your program.

Is he talking about moving back, or waiting for you to move out when the schedule was for February, then not sure, then August?

Meanwhile... .you are figuring out that you won't get anything you want unless you take the lead in this r/s.

Are you able to find yourself at peace with this reality?

He is talking about moving back here.  Last night he said something about keep doing our best until we can get back together.  I said, do you know when that will be?  He said, "I am sorry I can not give a set date." Then I asked him if this had to do with me.  He told me, "Absolutely not and he needs to fix his money situation and continue therapy." 

I will not be graduating anytime soon. He knows that and has said that he will not let me give up on my dreams. He actually gave me an ultimatum, if I leave my program we are over. 

I am beginning to understand that I have to take the lead. I am okay with that.  I  never seen this side of him before and I really do not know how to cope with it. It was so much easier dealing with his behavior while he was living here. I could see his reactions, dysregulation, and his triggers. I could cope with the anger, isolation, and other behaviors while he was here.  It is so hard to discern that via text messages or on the phone.  For the last 2 and a half months, he has not projected or been angry with me.  Actually,  tells me how much he loves me, praises me, and says he misses me,  every time I talk to him. 

The only thing he really does that get to me, is the avoidance/pushing me away. Last night I asked him if he could stop pushing me away because, it triggers my PTSD and I really could use a break.  He said, that I have been amazing and he is so grateful for me and will not do that anymore.  If he really is going to not do that, I can find some type of peace with the relationship.  It is not going to stop me from missing him though.  I miss him everyday. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Not much you can do other than miss him.   

Will either of you be able to travel to see each other over the holidays?

As far as him not pushing you away, I'd suggest you allow a bit of a grain of salt on that promise... .in two ways:

First, accept that you may have to take the lead in calling him when you want to talk to him. That he is responsive when you do call or text is good.

Second, if he did the push-pull thing when you were living together, accept that he may be unable to avoid some of that when he does move back. This physical distance is probably a safety valve of sorts for him... .when that goes away, the game will change again. Since he is getting therapy and working on things, it may be better... .but it will be different than your current situation.

 Hang in there. The uncertainty is tough.

[EaglesJuju]

 Not much you can do other than miss him.   

Will either of you be able to travel to see each other over the holidays?

As far as him not pushing you away, I'd suggest you allow a bit of a grain of salt on that promise... .in two ways:

First, accept that you may have to take the lead in calling him when you want to talk to him. That he is responsive when you do call or text is good.

Second, if he did the push-pull thing when you were living together, accept that he may be unable to avoid some of that when he does move back. This physical distance is probably a safety valve of sorts for him... .when that goes away, the game will change again. Since he is getting therapy and working on things, it may be better... .but it will be different than your current situation.

 Hang in there. The uncertainty is tough.

Thank you, Grey Kitty  .  He asked me to visit him, but I do not think it will be a good idea to see him at this time.  I have MS and have been having a lot of physical pain lately. I really do not want to be around him when I am feeling so physically crappy.  Also, I really should be mentally stronger and continue working on my co-dependency and PTSD.  I know that I really have to be in a good place both physically and mentally to see him.   

I learned to cope with the push/pull when he was here.  Sure it was really frustrating but, nothing like this. I do not know if it is my own problems exacerbating my frustration, or the distance. 

I noticed you mentioned things being different, I am curious to know what you meant by that?

[Grey Kitty]

I noticed you mentioned things being different, I am curious to know what you meant by that?

I meant that the flavor and balance of the push-pull dynamic changes with the physical distance.

It can also change if either you or he grow into a different emotional space, which it sounds like he is working on with some success right now.

If/When he returns and moves back in with you, it will be a new chapter in the push-pull. Not the same as the current long-distance versions. Probably not exactly the same as before he left.

But the things in him that make  him need it will still be there, and he will (most likely) react in some way, and you will have to deal with it.

I really do not want to be around him when I am feeling so physically crappy.  Also, I really should be mentally stronger and continue working on my co-dependency and PTSD.  I know that I really have to be in a good place both physically and mentally to see him.

Re-read what you just wrote there.

That is a very significant thing for you to say about your partner.

What does that tell you about your r/s?

[EaglesJuju]

I noticed you mentioned things being different, I am curious to know what you meant by that?

I meant that the flavor and balance of the push-pull dynamic changes with the physical distance.

It can also change if either you or he grow into a different emotional space, which it sounds like he is working on with some success right now.

If/When he returns and moves back in with you, it will be a new chapter in the push-pull. Not the same as the current long-distance versions. Probably not exactly the same as before he left.

But the things in him that make  him need it will still be there, and he will (most likely) react in some way, and you will have to deal with it.

I really do not want to be around him when I am feeling so physically crappy.  Also, I really should be mentally stronger and continue working on my co-dependency and PTSD.  I know that I really have to be in a good place both physically and mentally to see him.

Re-read what you just wrote there.

That is a very significant thing for you to say about your partner.

What does that tell you about your r/s?

Honestly, I really don't know, but I am assuming that it is not good :/

[Grey Kitty]

 I know that I really have to be in a good place both physically and mentally to see him.

What does that tell you about your r/s?

Honestly, I really don't know, but I am assuming that it is not good :/

Sorry... .that is YOUR hook, and I'm not letting you off it that easily!

What it would mean to me if I said that about my wife doesn't help you much.

I'm guessing that you didn't think a lot about what it meant before it slipped out of your fingers onto the screen here.

Spend some time thinking about it. I'm pretty sure it felt true to you at the time.

Was it a brief negative mood that quickly passed?

Is it still true?

Do you think it will always be true?

Do you want to be in the sort of relationship where that is true?

[EaglesJuju]

 I know that I really have to be in a good place both physically and mentally to see him.

What does that tell you about your r/s?

Honestly, I really don't know, but I am assuming that it is not good :/

Sorry... .that is YOUR hook, and I'm not letting you off it that easily!

What it would mean to me if I said that about my wife doesn't help you much.

I'm guessing that you didn't think a lot about what it meant before it slipped out of your fingers onto the screen here.

Spend some time thinking about it. I'm pretty sure it felt true to you at the time.

Was it a brief negative mood that quickly passed?

Is it still true?

Do you think it will always be true?

Do you want to be in the sort of relationship where that is true?

It still does feel true to me.  I really do need to take care of myself first. I think seeing him now, will really get me upset.  It  has to do with leaving after I see him.  I do not know how I will be able to cope with that.  I have not truly overcome my own fear of abandonment.  I think going there at this moment in time, will not be a good idea. Also, I really do not want to visit when I am feeling so physically crappy.  The physical illness has nothing to do with him but, I would not want to travel that far while not feeling well.   I believe the actual visit will be pleasant.  He told me that he wants to talk about "future plans" in person. I do not understand the difference between doing it in person or on the phone. 

I do want to be in a relationship with him. I love him and see so many positive things about him.  He is really understanding of my illness and has helped me a lot.  I see and feel his compassion and love for me. I am not going to lie, I am hurt though.  This situation has been really frustrating and upsetting. In addition to my co-dependency and abandonment, I am going to have to work on my hurt/anger.  I do forgive him but, it is hard for me to not be angry.     

[Grey Kitty]

I'm going to try to paraphrase a couple things you said here: Let me know if I got them right.

1. You don't want to travel in your current state of physical weakness/illness. Seeing him while feeling physically unwell won't be a problem for you.

That sounds like very good and sensible self-care to me.

2. You don't want to see him now because you feel too emotionally vulnerable to spend time with him and especially because of how much saying goodbye will hurt you.

I think you are right on when you say you have some hurt and anger to work through. 

[EaglesJuju]

I'm going to try to paraphrase a couple things you said here: Let me know if I got them right.

1. You don't want to travel in your current state of physical weakness/illness. Seeing him while feeling physically unwell won't be a problem for you.

That sounds like very good and sensible self-care to me.

2. You don't want to see him now because you feel too emotionally vulnerable to spend time with him and especially because of how much saying goodbye will hurt you.

I think you are right on when you say you have some hurt and anger to work through. 

Yes, you are dead on with everything 

I have been working through the anger in a positive way, which is rather effective.  I am not angry with him, I am angry with the illness and the havoc it causes. I knew he had a mental illness when we met, so I am not going to pretend I am a victim.  I truly did not know how it could affect me.

My hurt is more of the problem.  I heal through talking about my feelings and I certainly cannot talk to him about my feelings of hurt, especially at this time.  If I did so, it would be futile. I do go to therapy and that helps, but some days are still really tough for me. Although I rationally know this situation was precipitated by mental illness, my emotions/feelings take over and I feel hurt.  I know that I need to separate my feelings/emotions from his illness to truly heal.   

[Grey Kitty]

OK, now the next question:

He's done things that hurt you. He may be doing it because he's mentally ill, but that doesn't change how much it hurts.

Is he still doing those things?

You cannot heal a cut on your arm if the knife keeps slicing it open as soon as the bleeding stops.

My wife cheated on me, most likely because she was mentally ill. As long as she was still in contact with the guy... .or was telling me that she would only cut contact for say, six months, then would resume talking to him, I couldn't reconcile with her.

For me, the actions hurt me too much to stay with her, and her reasons couldn't change that. I was ready to walk. Even though I still loved her. Even though divorce is painful and disruptive. Because I knew how much her actions were hurting me.

You have some tough work ahead to understand how you are hurting, and what you can put up with.   Believe me, I know how hard getting to this point was.

[EaglesJuju]

OK, now the next question:

He's done things that hurt you. He may be doing it because he's mentally ill, but that doesn't change how much it hurts.

Is he still doing those things?

You cannot heal a cut on your arm if the knife keeps slicing it open as soon as the bleeding stops.

My wife cheated on me, most likely because she was mentally ill. As long as she was still in contact with the guy... .or was telling me that she would only cut contact for say, six months, then would resume talking to him, I couldn't reconcile with her.

For me, the actions hurt me too much to stay with her, and her reasons couldn't change that. I was ready to walk. Even though I still loved her. Even though divorce is painful and disruptive. Because I knew how much her actions were hurting me.

You have some tough work ahead to understand how you are hurting, and what you can put up with.   Believe me, I know how hard getting to this point was.

He is gradually changing some of his behaviors.  There is a significant difference from when he first left to now. For example, when he first left he used dissociative splitting and blamed me for his decision to move.  As a result, I was temporarily "painted black."  Currently, (I am assuming he is working on this in therapy) he says he is working on his "projecting and the problems it creates."  He has taken responsibility for many of his maladaptive behaviors.  Honestly, I think that is significant progress for him. 

As for my hurt (lack of communication/avoidance), I did speak with him about it.  He always tells me that he is trying his best.  Perhaps, it is foolish of me to think that he can dramatically change this behavior immediately.  He has taken baby steps and called me the other day, while completely validating me.  I am slowly learning to be more patient.  I think patience is going to be one of the foundations for my situation. 

Now that I think of it, I may be the one that keeps the wound open.  In my head, I tell myself, he tells me that he wants to marry me and says he loves me, if he really did want these things, he would not act like this.  I keep forgetting, that he does have a mental illness.  Although I know that he does, I keep second guessing myself. I keep thinking he has the emotional regulation of a non disordered person.

[Grey Kitty]

Now that I think of it, I may be the one that keeps the wound open.  In my head, I tell myself, he tells me that he wants to marry me and says he loves me, if he really did want these things, he would not act like this.  I keep forgetting, that he does have a mental illness.  Although I know that he does, I keep second guessing myself. I keep thinking he has the emotional regulation of a non disordered person.

Yes. This is the right attitude.

The next question: Do you want to marry him... .the way he is right now?

[EaglesJuju]

Now that I think of it, I may be the one that keeps the wound open.  In my head, I tell myself, he tells me that he wants to marry me and says he loves me, if he really did want these things, he would not act like this.  I keep forgetting, that he does have a mental illness.  Although I know that he does, I keep second guessing myself. I keep thinking he has the emotional regulation of a non disordered person.

Yes. This is the right attitude.

The next question: Do you want to marry him... .the way he is right now?

Yes, I do. I love him no matter how hard it is, was, and possibly can be.   Although the distance hurts, I am so proud of him for getting help.  He asked me to marry him before he left (he still asks me).  I told him I will but, he needs to see a psychiatrist/psychologist first. I know that sounds horrible, but he was engaging in self-destructive behavior. He was self-harming and attempted suicide a couple of times.  I knew I could not force him to go to therapy and he needed to do that on his own.

I have carefully considered my decision.  I am fully aware that marrying a pwBPD is not always easy.  I have seen his good, bad, and ugly behavior and still want to marry him. I told him that I am here for the long haul. Without a doubt, I know he feels the same way too.  I am emotionally/mentally prepared to take this step. In a way, I have been accustomed to coping with mental illness my entire life.  My mother is bipolar and schizophrenic. In addition, it is more than likely that she is co-morbid BPD and NPD; although undiagnosed.  Through my relationship with her, I learned how to cope with her triggers and dysregulation. 

This is has been very hard for me though.  I know my hardship over the distance/separation has a lot to do with my dependency/abandonment fears. As a helper/fixer, I have minimal patience.  Ironically, the situation is helping me gain patience.   

[Grey Kitty]

Do you want to marry him... .the way he is right now?

Yes, I do. I love him no matter how hard it is, was, and possibly can be.   Although the distance hurts, I am so proud of him for getting help.  He asked me to marry him before he left (he still asks me).  I told him I will but, he needs to see a psychiatrist/psychologist first. I know that sounds horrible, but he was engaging in self-destructive behavior. He was self-harming and attempted suicide a couple of times.  I knew I could not force him to go to therapy and he needed to do that on his own.

No, it doesn't sound horrible.  It does sound desperate.  It also sounds a little codependent.  And you acknowledge that and are working on it. 

I do have a suggestion for you. Try re-framing for yourself what is keeping you from getting married to him, even if you don't say anything different to him.

Showing up for T is an excellent tool for dealing with these issues, and it appears to be helping him. (YAY!) It isn't a guaranteed change to the things he does which hurt you, and the reasons you don't want to marry him.

You already identified two behaviors that need to stop for you to feel comfortable marrying him: self-harming and suicide attempts. Are there other behaviors you just can't handle? (Perhaps running across the country to avoid intimacy in his r/s with you?

Think about what you need to trust that those behaviors have changed. Obviously his not doing these things for a period of time is a good one, but how long? If he's making no progress, or backsliding, that will be obvious, but how long of a 'good' stretch does it take to represent a real change? There are no EASY answers for you here.

[EaglesJuju]

Do you want to marry him... .the way he is right now?

Yes, I do. I love him no matter how hard it is, was, and possibly can be.   Although the distance hurts, I am so proud of him for getting help.  He asked me to marry him before he left (he still asks me).  I told him I will but, he needs to see a psychiatrist/psychologist first. I know that sounds horrible, but he was engaging in self-destructive behavior. He was self-harming and attempted suicide a couple of times.  I knew I could not force him to go to therapy and he needed to do that on his own.

No, it doesn't sound horrible.  It does sound desperate.  It also sounds a little codependent.  And you acknowledge that and are working on it. 

I do have a suggestion for you. Try re-framing for yourself what is keeping you from getting married to him, even if you don't say anything different to him.

Showing up for T is an excellent tool for dealing with these issues, and it appears to be helping him. (YAY!) It isn't a guaranteed change to the things he does which hurt you, and the reasons you don't want to marry him.

You already identified two behaviors that need to stop for you to feel comfortable marrying him: self-harming and suicide attempts. Are there other behaviors you just can't handle? (Perhaps running across the country to avoid intimacy in his r/s with you?



Think about what you need to trust that those behaviors have changed. Obviously his not doing these things for a period of time is a good one, but how long? If he's making no progress, or backsliding, that will be obvious, but how long of a 'good' stretch does it take to represent a real change? There are no EASY answers for you here.

I definitely have a problem with his running away from problems.  He has done this quite a few times in his life and seems to run back to his parents.  His parents are truly enablers.   I know I am one too, but I am and have been working on it I have been setting boundaries and addressing my concerns in a constructive way.  I know I cannot fix him or his problems.  In fact, he said this to me as well.  I think that is a great starting point. 

Although I am really not happy with him leaving to get help, I now realize that there was no other choice.  My therapist agrees with me too.  He made a feeble attempt to see a psychiatrist here, who after 10 minutes decided he needed to be on a mood stabilizer.  My bf had an incident during his childhood, where his parents forced medication on him (he was on 20 different medications at one time) and he got immediately triggered.  The psychiatrist visit happened one day before he told me he was leaving.  Also, I do believe that he left to protect me in a way. Right before he left, he admitted that he was becoming a black hole sucking everything out of me.  He said, that he was hindering my life considerably and wanted to stop that. He said, he wants to be a better man for me and was not doing a good job supporting me in his current state.  My therapist agrees with that as well. Another reason why he left, was his suicidal tendencies. Even though there are plausible explanations, I do think that there could have been other options. I did not beg him to stay.  I did tell him, if that is what he needed to do then I would support him.  On the other hand, I did tell him that I never want to go through this again.  I made that very clear. 

I can handle the projection, anger, and rages. He often has moments where he tells me how to handle his behavior.  For example, when he is upset and wants to withdraw, he told me all he wants is for me to hug him and tell him everything will be okay.  Of course the suicide attempts/self-harming need to stop.  I told him that I do not want to be in another situation where I have to save his life again. It is traumatic to say the least.  He said, suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Before he left, I was slowly setting boundaries.  My lack of boundaries really exacerbated many things.  I told him that I do not need to validate him 24/7 and he needs to learn how to validate himself sometimes.  Also, I told him that if I am busy, just because I do not drop what I am doing, doesn't mean I don't care about him.  I spoke with him last night about me constantly initiating communication.  He tried making excuses about how he does not want to bother me when I am doing school work.  I did not let him off the hook and told him that if I am busy, I will respond later. He said that he was sorry that he did not tell me his reasoning for not initiating contact first and he will text me whenever from now on. 

I know that his behavior is not going to change overnight.  It is going to take a considerable amount of time for him to be at a really good place.  I am expecting for him to return around summer.  He might return sooner depending on a job.  He worked at a job temporarily and the job could not hire him permanently, due to funding.  He really liked working there and stays in contact with the people there, so I can see him coming back when a position opens up in the new year.       

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, running away from problems matters. Especially if it involves running away from you too.

The logical side of you is very aware that this current separation is far better than the option of staying as things were, and that there weren't a lot of clearly available better options at the time... .and that his capacity to find/use better options was very limited then.

And you HURT from it.

Both are real. They don't actually contradict each other, although you can play games and pretend that one doesn't exist by focusing on the other.

It is very good that you told him you never want to go through this again.

This may be your limit--that you have been abandoned/rejected/left by him too many times already, and you think you can forgive this one.

You may feel that if he comes back then leaves again, you are DONE.

You may feel that you don't think you can give him another one... .but don't know for sure.

You may feel that you love him so much that you are willing to put up with this from him.

Any one is completely valid--they are your feelings, and nobody else has any business telling you what they should be. Not me. Not him. Not your T. Not your best friend.

You may need to sit with these feelings a lot to figure out where you really stand.

My one bit of advice is that you will do better working through your feelings about him than you will wondering what he will/would/should/could do.

[EaglesJuju]

Yes, running away from problems matters. Especially if it involves running away from you too.

The logical side of you is very aware that this current separation is far better than the option of staying as things were, and that there weren't a lot of clearly available better options at the time... .and that his capacity to find/use better options was very limited then.

And you HURT from it.

Both are real. They don't actually contradict each other, although you can play games and pretend that one doesn't exist by focusing on the other.

It is very good that you told him you never want to go through this again.

This may be your limit--that you have been abandoned/rejected/left by him too many times already, and you think you can forgive this one.

You may feel that if he comes back then leaves again, you are DONE.

You may feel that you don't think you can give him another one... .but don't know for sure.

You may feel that you love him so much that you are willing to put up with this from him.

Any one is completely valid--they are your feelings, and nobody else has any business telling you what they should be. Not me. Not him. Not your T. Not your best friend.

You may need to sit with these feelings a lot to figure out where you really stand.

My one bit of advice is that you will do better working through your feelings about him than you will wondering what he will/would/should/could do.

Thanks Grey Kitty   I have already decided, this is his last time I will accept him running away from his problems.  I am forgiving and understanding, but to allow it to continue would be foolish.   I know he will be back.  I am not looking through "rose colored glasses" either, I have that gut feeling. I trust and believe what he tells me. Before he comes back here, I told him that I have a few expectations of him.

I am working through the hurt.  Each day, my hurt decreases.  I am beginning to realize that dwelling on my hurt is somewhat silly.  I already forgive him and there is no point in stewing those feelings. I am creating more sadness by focusing on my hurt.  I believe, the logical side of me is finally overpowering my feelings/emotions.  I think that is a good thing, especially with my own anxiety.

[Grey Kitty]

  You are really coming into some great awareness of what matters to you and how that will work out in your relationship.   It isn't easy work; I know it.

I am working through the hurt.  Each day, my hurt decreases.  I am beginning to realize that dwelling on my hurt is somewhat silly.  I already forgive him and there is no point in stewing those feelings. I am creating more sadness by focusing on my hurt.  I believe, the logical side of me is finally overpowering my feelings/emotions.  I think that is a good thing, especially with my own anxiety.

When it comes to feelings, I wrote this in a thread for another member, and I'm going to repeat it for you.

I only know three ways of coping with my feelings:

1. Experience them.

2. Stuffing them to avoid dealing with them.

3. Getting lost in them, and reacting to them without any concern for consequences of those actions.

I listed them in the order I consider most healthy to least healthy. My capacity to be in the first position is limited. I will let myself take a break and go down to the second when I can't handle them anymore. Heck... .I've even indulged myself with door #3 occasionally.

With this addition, for you... .

My historical coping mechanism was using Door #2, I let my logical side overpower and shove aside my feelings. That is the path to being a doormat and accepting abuse.

Your normal coping mechanism sounds like Door #3. In that case, you do need to use your logical side more.

Here's how I would describe the healthy path I'm striving for:

First, I try to stay with my feelings and experience them (Door #1), so I understand what they are telling me. Only then, when I understand and accept those feelings, I invoke my rational logical side, to choose my ACTIONS that will address what my feelings told me was important, and address them in a way that fits my values, protects me, and doesn't create unneeded harm or drama for others.

Yes, it is hard work. And living this way is soo worth it.