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Author Topic: What to do with the "I'm depressed" comments?  (Read 393 times)
maxsterling
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« on: December 05, 2014, 01:45:56 PM »

I have such a hard time with this.  nearly every day I will be at work and she will send the "I'm depressed" comment.  Or I may be at home and she will make that remark.  Or it may be "I'm bored" or "I'm lonely".  Sometimes this will be every day for weeks.  I'm tired of hearing it.  So what do you do when faced with it?

- My natural instinct I think is like most others - to say "I'm sorry" and offer suggestions as to what she can do to get out of her funk.  I've since learned that that is very invalidating, and when I have taken that approach I usually make things worse.

- because I am tired of it day after day and know that nothing changes, I tend now to want to just say nothing.  At times she will claim I don't care.

- Other times I try to help, and that takes away from time I need to get things done for me.

- sometimes I ask what is going on or if she wants to talk about it.  That helps sometimes, but often I am not in the mood or have time to do that.  If it were ever other week - sure, but every day... .

What do you all think is the best approach here?

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MissyM
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« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2014, 02:04:27 PM »

Excerpt
- My natural instinct I think is like most others - to say "I'm sorry" and offer suggestions as to what she can do to get out of her funk.  I've since learned that that is very invalidating, and when I have taken that approach I usually make things worse.

My reply to this oft said remark about depression or feeling bad in general is, "I am sorry you aren't feeling your best.  What do you think you should do about this?"  Then if he replies something, "In what way can I support you in this."  Usually he doesn't have a clue to what he needs to do and says, "I don't know."  To which I just give a quick hug and walk away.  I have to put it back on my dBPDh to solve his own problems, I can't do it for him and he starts to resent me when I put myself in that position.  His mood usually lifts and he figures out what to do to take care of himself.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2014, 02:19:29 PM »

o man is this a true one...

I think there is nothing you can do.  I go through this all the time.  Its a no win situation

They cant figure it out so they want you to.  The problem is just being comforting is not enough for them so they get mad
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LucyH

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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2014, 03:00:42 PM »

I'm certainly new at all this so I don't have the training. But I have experienced what you describe in many ways. Sometimes it's "I'm depressed" but other times it's something else altogether. Every time it has the feeling of him wanting support from me somehow but not being able to articulate what he needs.

What has been working recently is this:

I turn to him (if we're in the same room), smile, and say, "I hear you, sweetheart. I don't know what to say. Do you want a hug?" Usually that opens him up to talking but if it doesn't, I keep on doing what I'm doing. Either way, he feels heard and it doesn't take me away from what I'm doing for long. Plus I usually get a hug out of it.

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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2014, 03:15:15 PM »



My recommendation is to stick with "I'm sorry you feel that way... ."

Then... .if you are at home... .bring them a glass of water... .some kind gesture... .but hopefully that is something that you do anyway.  You wouldn't want them to pick up on that they only time you do a kind gesture... .is when they complain about something.

Of course... keep an ear open to figure out if there is a serious issue her... .something that really needs fixing... .but most likely it is general BPD issues coming up.


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PaintedBlack28
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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2014, 03:28:37 PM »

I remember that after such a statement from my pwBPDxgf, on that particular occasion I didnt show much concern, and the following day I was splitted to black and abandoned while I was at work. We've been away about a week and a half on my initiative, I did know very little about BPD then and therefore I was a lot more vigilant to these remarks because she trained me to think of an imminent abandonment.  My two cents... .
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sweetheart
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2014, 03:29:02 PM »

Hi max,

My h does this most days too, be it expressions of boredom, depression, anxiety etc. To begin with I tried to fix it by 'talking it through' which caused resentment and worsening of his feelings because I know now he often felt invalidated by me treating him as though he could be fixed. It also robbed him of finding his own capacity for self soothing.

I also tried with 'I'm sorry you're feeling like this... .,' and offered support, sat down with him and just listened, but as you said if this happens regularly it can take up a whole lot of your time, and it's exhausting and not sustainable.

You will also know that invariably there is really no way of ameliorating what to me is a an existential pain that arises from a damaged, fragmented, lost sense of self.

I now tend to say 'I hear you and it must be painful to feel that way.' and then no more, sometimes I just make a sound of acknowledgement and no more.

I also believe and yes I know it's kind of invalidating that if your SO is in regular supportive therapy then this can be directed there, or it could be explored in your MC sessions together.

Max it's also ok not to do anything, sometimes that is also an approach. That is mostly my approach now as these exclamations of dissatisfaction are just another part of our lives together. I don't think my h will ever b any different and that's ok for now.

I can hear that you are perhaps frustrated and maybe irritated by the interference and impact it is having on the rhythm of your life, your self. Maybe rather than looking for an 'approach' which involves you doing something, could you just acknowledge the words that your wife speaks by just allowing them to come and go (I don't mean to actively ignore her), but just don't actively engage with her either.

For me finding a way to not engage with this aspect of the disorder was important for my own mental health. It is so very easy to become emotional dustbins for our SO's, which is a sure fire path to self destruction.

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blueeyes567

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« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2014, 03:29:42 PM »

I think by saying I'm sorry you feel that way that is somewhat invalidating because that is not what they want to hear. When my db PDW would say those things that was a clue as to she is going to dis regulate and start doing self destructive behavior. From my experience with my wife when she says those she needs to beef up therapye. She also has BPD with co-occurring and depression. She has been on an antidepressant for 2 months now and it has helped immensely. I think something more validating to say would be I'm sorry how can I help you or I'm sorry what do you think should be done to help you
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