Pregnant fiancé

[Griffinwings]

I am now in a very complex situation with my fiancé.  We were together for about 6 months as everything was generally okay.  We had communication problems from the start and I did feel she could be selfish and detached at times.  She had episodes where she would cry uncontrollably for hours and would become upset very easily.  It took her much longer to recover from minor set backs than is typical. 

I had suspicions early on but I think I was blinded by the strong love and passion I felt for her.  I'm a school psychologist and work with children with various types of social/emotional/behavior disorders for the last ten years.  She had hallmark signs of poor emotional regulation but it didn't seem to a severe degree and I chalked it up to her being sheltered and not having developed enough resiliency in her life.  She lived at home until last few years and moved literally across street from her parents. 

Anyway currently we are not speaking.  We last spoke several days ago.  About three weeks ago my frustration reached a boiling point when she gave me absolutely no empathy or support when I needed it most.  I broke up with her.   She took it very hard and we hardly talked for a week.  That's when I came across BPD and it describes Her perfectly in many ways.  She is high functioning no self injury or suicdal behavior and generally squeaks by in her life with financial assistance and help from her family for major home chores etc. 

Anyway sorry so long winded but at this point I do love her.  I don't want to give up on her.  Our last and final argument was over me trying to get her to take some responsibility in our recent struggles.  She of course blames me for everything and expects me to make all the effort to prove to her that I deserve to be with her.  My motivation to do that at this point is obviously low.  My love tank is pretty much empty and I just don't have that in me if she can't even admit any responsibility.  I'm abusive I've ruined her life etc.  she's pregnant about 4 months, I have a 5 year old son from previous relationship, I'm very concerned about both children growing up in an emotionally volatile environment.  But at same time I do sincerely want to work it out and do believe I can a good caretaker now that I have some idea of what I'm dealing with and mistakes Ive made along the way that made things worse. 

I'm pretty sure she wants this too.  I know she's probably very hurt and afraid right now but when we do talk she just wants to continue the arguing and seems like we will never move toward any healing or repair.  How long can she be angry and hold this grudge against me?  Should I wait for her to contact me or reach out at some point.  I did write her an apology for my role which I sent to her yesterday.  I actually feel okay for myself at this point. I've come back more toward center but know I need to develop these tools to deal with things better.  Thanks for reading any advice would mean a lot.  We were going to start counseling next week but I think I'll be going solo at this point. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  Our last and final argument was over me trying to get her to take some responsibility in our recent struggles. 

As you have discovered... .this can be frustrating. 




Please take some time and read the lessons on the right side.  Let us know what you think.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Griffinwings & I'd like to join formflier in welcoming you to this site 

I'm really sorry about the troubles you are having with your fiancé, and I'd like to reconfirm the advice from formflier... .when you have the chance, it would be very helpful for you to check out every link to the right-hand side of this page, and at the top of the threads on this Board you'll find 4 photos with links to Feature Articles that are also very informative and insightful. What most of us have found is that once we get a good handle on how our loved one's mind works, and then learn how to deal with them in a way that stops pushing every one of their buttons, things can get better (at least a bit, anyway). The communication tools and techniques can be found in The Lessons to the right-hand side of this page 

So, how did your letter to your fiancé go over? Did it crack open a door to something better? Have you gone to your Counseling session yet? Did your fiancé end up going with you? Please let us know how things are going, Griffinwings... .We want to help 

[Grey Kitty]

  Griffinwings!

You asked for advice. I'll start with a quick couple things.

First, do go to see the therapy appointment, whether she shows up or not. It will do you good.

Second, keep working on educating yourself about this disorder and what you can do to cope better with it.

You know it wont' be easy, and I won't lie to you and say otherwise, but I am very confident that you can make a big difference.

A normal person's reaction to the crap your partner is doing make things so much worse. With a bit of effort you can retrain yourself to do things that make it better instead.

Stick around and keep sharing your story.

 GK