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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: How can i help him be a better father?  (Read 446 times)
Climbmountains91
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« on: December 05, 2014, 08:58:47 PM »

I found out i was pregnant a few month after i met him and dated (i know very sudden and quick) we decided to keep her after thinking about the A word it crossed our minds but then our beliefs in it and took over and now she is here Smiling (click to insert in post) Through out the pregnancy understandably he was scared and very unsupportive. We lived 70 miles apart at the time he wanted me to move down away from my family in my own place, through out the pregnancy he kept going on about he didn't want to be a weekend dad and he wants custody etc... Though i didn't mention once he cant see her or anything like that so was confused where it came from. He wanted a DNA which i totally understood and obviously confirmed it was his and she is the spitting image of him. I fainted one time when i was pregnant in his bathroom when i came round he said i was lying and eventually after much persuading called an ambulance because i was in a lot of pain and bleeding, ambulance came and i went alone as he said he'd meet me there as we were getting ready to meet his stupid friend and buggered off to KFC together while i was scared and alone in a city i didn't know. Baby was fine anyway and when he eventually came with his friend they just moaned they had to wait in hospital for 5 hours.

He didn't know if having this baby would make his depression worse or better.

After ten mins of having her going up to the ward as i had her in my hometown he leaves because his bored and wants to go home have a shower, some good food (obsessed with food) and that. Im sorry but 10. Mins an hour or two yeah but 10 mins. I made that time for us to have our time as we discusse that prior otherwise my folks would of come up with me.

I should of seen the warning signs!

Anyway fast forward. I now live in his hometown as originally if i didn't move up the relationship wouldnt of worked he gave me an ultimaten which it didn't anyway but i really thought happy families and all that. And all this weekend dad crap and custody bull has gone out the window. He goes on about how shes a blessing, he loves her, he misses her etc... All words, no actions.  But can go months without seeing her and after being around her for 10 mins feels drained and tired around her and cant wait until shes older. Ive had enough of the laziness and excuses. Shes starting to recognise who people are now and its scaring me. Its sad to think shell never have a dad like i had.

Is there anything i can do to better this situation? For the sake of our daughter.  I know i cant change him and I'm grateful he hasn't been one of those dads that just take off and i know he feels guilty for it all but for her sake now something has to give. He doesn't provide for her. Just spends it on booze, nights out and games. Asks me "whats shes doing now, any new words". I shouldn't have to tell him. Ive been incredibly patient with this man, this is only half of the crap I've had to put up with, i don't think any other woman would put up with this like i have, they would of dragged his bum in court by now. Asks me last night "how can he become a better father". Erm by seeing her and interacting with her more. Be in her life 110% or not at all. She only deserves the best. When he's been with her I've encouraged him, he's doing well when he does see her (once in a blue moon) he's friends who have a child have had a go at him about it but he just uses his mental health issues as excuses. Im at my wits end. I wish i could talk to his family but they just mummycoddle him which doesn't help.

Sorry for the long post anyway.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2014, 11:07:32 AM »

Hi Climbmountains,

How old is your sweet D now? You've been through a lot -- that must've been scary to faint while pregnant and end up in the hospital and I'm glad you and the baby were ok.

I'm raising my son (now 13) on my own, and N/BPDx is no longer in his life. To be honest, having a BPD father is very challenging for kids. There isn't a lot written about BPD dads, mostly it's about moms. Similar to what you experienced, I didn't find my ex could ever put S13 first. Not as an infant, not as a toddler, not ever. It's almost like the emotional maturity makes them experience kids more like siblings. N/BPDx would get jealous of S13, and twice I was in the hospital for surgery and N/BPDx got drunk and left S13 to fend for himself, first at 5, then again at age 8.

I know you want the relationship to work, and that's what a lot of us wanted. The most important thing I did for my son, though, was to figure out what it meant to raise an emotionally healthy kid. Even though N/BPDx husband was mentally ill, his disorder actually taught me so much about what healthy emotional maturity really is. I applied a lot of what I learned to raising my son, and while it's too soon to say how S13 is going to do in his adult life, I feel that there is no way I could've created this healthy foundation for him if N/BPDx remained in our lives.

Take care of yourself and if you think it would make your life easier to be closer to your family, seriously consider it. Your ex will probably make random efforts to see your child, maybe even similar to what he is doing now. Raising a child on your own is tough and you need steady, consistent, loving adults around to help you and provide someone for your D to bond with. It will be very difficult for her to do that with her dad.

A close friend of mine raised her son on her own, and she has such a strong and loving network, including friends and family. That kid has so many "aunties" and "uncles" and is as well adjusted as a child with two healthy parents.

The short answer to the question in your title is that you can't really make your child's father a better parent. But you can do a lot to help her grow up healthy and whole and loved.
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Climbmountains91
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« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 07:36:20 AM »

Hi Climbmountains,

How old is your sweet D now? You've been through a lot -- that must've been scary to faint while pregnant and end up in the hospital and I'm glad you and the baby were ok.

I'm raising my son (now 13) on my own, and N/BPDx is no longer in his life. To be honest, having a BPD father is very challenging for kids. There isn't a lot written about BPD dads, mostly it's about moms. Similar to what you experienced, I didn't find my ex could ever put S13 first. Not as an infant, not as a toddler, not ever. It's almost like the emotional maturity makes them experience kids more like siblings. N/BPDx would get jealous of S13, and twice I was in the hospital for surgery and N/BPDx got drunk and left S13 to fend for himself, first at 5, then again at age 8.

I know you want the relationship to work, and that's what a lot of us wanted. The most important thing I did for my son, though, was to figure out what it meant to raise an emotionally healthy kid. Even though N/BPDx husband was mentally ill, his disorder actually taught me so much about what healthy emotional maturity really is. I applied a lot of what I learned to raising my son, and while it's too soon to say how S13 is going to do in his adult life, I feel that there is no way I could've created this healthy foundation for him if N/BPDx remained in our lives.

Take care of yourself and if you think it would make your life easier to be closer to your family, seriously consider it. Your ex will probably make random efforts to see your child, maybe even similar to what he is doing now. Raising a child on your own is tough and you need steady, consistent, loving adults around to help you and provide someone for your D to bond with. It will be very difficult for her to do that with her dad.

A close friend of mine raised her son on her own, and she has such a strong and loving network, including friends and family. That kid has so many "aunties" and "uncles" and is as well adjusted as a child with two healthy parents.

The short answer to the question in your title is that you can't really make your child's father a better parent. But you can do a lot to help her grow up healthy and whole and loved.

Thank you for your reply Livednlearned. She one and a half, two in May. I know she doesn't know much right now but i want consistency and stability for her to start now. Id rather her have a dad that doesn't want to know at all than him seeing her every few months. Why does he want her to grow up like he did. Its just all so sad for her.

Omg thats so horrible to hear  how do they sleep at night. Makes me sick. I know they are sick, i know its a disorder bla bla bla. But something has to give.

Right now i realise i can never have a relationship with this man, lately i don't miss him, i don't think about him, i just feel cold towards him. Unless he changes which would be a miracle I'm hoping nothing with him. All I'm wanting is some stability and consistency in my daughters life. I know i cant force him but it cant keep going the way its going. He needs a wake up call. Im thinking of getting some advise. He said he wants to be in her life but with support from a service? Is there anything i can do? Is there anyway i could explain to him that she needs consistency and stability in a way hell understand?
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 08:06:40 AM »

One thing I would emphasize to you is that unless he makes drastic improvements in his thinking and life, don't give in to any of his wishes for custody, etc.  Understand well that if you give him a legal foot in the door more than he already has as a 'sometimes-there' DNA father, then it will be very hard or very expensive to get it back or undone.

So don't let him guilt you or make you feel obligated to be overly fair with him.  Don't let him make his trouble your troubles.  Your child's welfare comes first.

FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

If you've never been to family court to establish custody or to set a parenting schedule then likely the parenting status is that you both have rights as parents but those rights are not defined.  Unless or until the issue is forced then you as the parent in possession of your child can do as you believe is best for your child.  Don't Gift it away.

And don't feel guilty if you have to move back to where your work or support from friends and family are nearby.  He is an adult, you can't control his life, all you can do is live your own life.
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momtara
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« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2014, 02:16:31 PM »

You are brave and strong.  It's probably good you didn't have an A - I've known lots of people (not all) who felt incredibly guilty after it... .

As for dad, my exH is the same way.  Talks about what a great dad he is, misses the kids, but feels drained when being with them, and doesn't put them first.  If people with BPD have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, then they really can't put someone else's wishes and needs first.  Can you imagine a 3 year old taking care of another 3 year old without wanting to meet their own immediate needs?

It'd probably be good for you to talk to a child therapist about what to say to your daughter about him.  Our parent coordinator said not to make up lies, but you obviously don't have to tell everyone.  I tell my toddlers that daddy lives with grandma, which is true.

If he's not dangerous to the kids, maybe you can work out a standard schedule for a little while of when he sees them. with just a small visitation (dont' give up too much if you might regret it later).  With kids that young, in my state, the courts tend to recommend short, frequent visits like a few hours 2-3 times a week.  I find those disruptive and instead my ex sees the kids every other weekend, but he lives w/his parents so it's a diff thing.  Don't give more than you'll feel comfortable with, but maybe in time you can get a regular schedule.  if he's not open to that, just give him times that work, and let him know he has to give you some lead time if he wants to see her. 

I dont' press my ex to see the kids because if he's not up to it, it seems like a bad idea to press him into taking care of them when he really can't. 

Don't give in on too much, because you don't want a battle later.  It's possible

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Climbmountains91
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« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2014, 08:23:39 PM »

He wouldnt want custody anyway he said he cant cope and he wouldnt want the hassle. His just getting worse and worse lately. Sick of it.

Thanks for your replies by the way they were very helpful. My friends have suggested Citizens advice?

Last week exBPD said hell come up this saturday. (My daughter is currently living with my folks, i come up weekends to look after her as thats when they work and i still have that bond, its an arrangement weve all come to anyway as im getting in depth therapy don't really want to go into it but anyway) I suggested to him today this is the text

Got a suggestion you can meet tomorrow or meet monday when its less manic and we can take our daughter back to my folks and then get train back to ... .together just an idea. Dont have to stay at my folks just drop our daughter off. You can give em there prezzies. Anyway up to you.

Then he calls me saying if i come tomorrow im going to have to go through hell to get to heaven (hell being town being manic and doing a train journey and heaven being me and our daughter) and hes worried about our daughter being cold and that and then says the problem with him he always put other people first) monday he cant cause hes spending time with his "mummy" as he aint seen her in ages.  Priorities wrong! So hes coming to my folks house next friday. Wanna put a bet that will happen. No! Im sorry if I'm overacting I'm glad he suggested next friday BUT his mum lives 20 mins away, I'm sure she would understand. He hasn't seen his daughter for a month now. Sick of feeling trapped in this situation wish i could tell him to bugger off out of our lives but i cant cause im not one of those mothers.

Sorry for the rant.
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Climbmountains91
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« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2014, 07:41:07 PM »

Haha he's been trying to get out of it all week saying "his anxious" then today he's come down with "man flu"and he's been ill all day lying on the sofa. usual excuse "Ooh im so ill, oh im dying, ooh ill let you know how i feel tomorrow about seeing our daughter, oh shes a blessing, cant believe i made something so beautiful as that' etc... .  I just feel like telling him straight this isn't acceptable anymore. I know i should just leave him to it but its just so hard taking that rejection on for my daughter though i know she doesn't understand at the moment. His mum was on the phone to him the other day i didn't hear what she said but his reply to her was "i know shes important but my wellbeing is also important as well" :/

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ForeverDad
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« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2014, 11:16:26 AM »

You can't make him be a good parent and you can't even make him parent.  Actually, in cases like ours you shouldn't even try to make him take the children.   If you go to court and complain that he won't take the children on his time, the court will look at you cross-eyed.  Court will not expect you to make him be a father.  The court has little or no interest in changing either parent, it generally deals with parents as they are.  The court considers a valid complaint to be the opposite, that you aren't getting your time, ex isn't returning the children in a timely manner or child support isn't paid.

Why not?  Because if you try to make him take the children, then it might appear to the court that you have no concerns about his parenting.  So ponder your concerns, options and strategies.  Do try to reassess your past emotional wishes so you can redefine what your life and goals are now, what you need to do to get where you need to be.  You want to present yourself as a problem solver as well as a capable parent.
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momtara
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« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2014, 11:59:04 AM »

If he's not able to do it, I wouldn't push him to do it - why would you want someone who's a complete mess around an infant?  What if he has a breakdown and deserts her, or worse?  You might feel a lot healthier if you don't always have to worry about what he's doing and trying to push him.  Some of us have mentally ill exes who are trying to parent even if they really shouldn't be, and we have to worry about that.  

He can be a better father if he gets the right treatment for his anxieties and other things.  He may just not be capable of parenting.  Let it go until he's ready... .Kids have grown up without a father or without both parents and been ok.

You have done a wonderful thing by bringing her into this world.  But he is not ready.  So be it.  Take pride in what you have done so far, despite the odds, and keep working at having a happy, healthy life. 
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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2014, 04:35:09 PM »

The emotional age of most people with BPD is nowhere near what they are chronologically. And you need someone who is emotionally mature taking care of your child.

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