Can I say 'Look, I'm tired of constant critisism'?

[Mie]

I've been the bad guy for a few weeks now, it seems to increase every day. He is remembering everything I did wrong (in his opinion) in the past and recently, starting from that I lived with my mother when we met (=bad?)... .escalating to me lying to him about most things during our relationship.

I have chosen to ignore that, because I don't know what else to do.

This morning he came to our cafe with me. I started to work on routine things I do every morning. He (who normally drops by twice a week in the afternoons or for dringking in the night) started to nag about everything and told me it's a f... .mess and he has to work his butt off. He rushed in and out doing things He thinks are priority, shouting that he has enough and is leaving the whole b... .f... .place.

He was actually disturbing my work and when first people came in things were not ready... .(my fault!).

He said: 'You have become worse and worse recently. You make mistakes all the time, you forget more and more things. You burned the bread in the oven again! You forgot this and that... .you said you didn't have time but you actually forgot, be honest at least. And kick your ass, take hold of your life! Your mistakes are taking us both down, down, down and I have nothing left!'

Yeah, right. 

I just can't think of how to response to exagerated and sometimes irrational accusations.

Sometimes I play with the idea of telling him the(?) truth: His impulsive behavior has caused enormous financial and social problems, emotional pain and negative impact to my career. (I could prove and point out everything if this was something to be taken to court). But it is of course out of question... .

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[sweetheart]

Hello Mie,

It is extremely difficult when our SO's go through these sustained periods of emotional dysregulation. For me this type of continuous low level criticism and blaming is emotionally draining as I'm sure it must be for you.

Your partner is talking about himself in his projections into you, telling him that you are tired of his criticism is open to being misheard by him and might,create further upset for you.  Not that I'm saying you can't say it, of course you can it is your right to say what you want. I suspect though that you want him to hear and acknowledge how horrible you are feeling, this might not be possible at the moment. I know sometimes it feels like it is never possible... .

Reading underneath the lines of his words to you, he sounds stressed and upset, do you know if there was an original trigger for him, ( you said that things have been like this for a few weeks now) I appreciate this might be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

What I would do is try and find a way to minimise you being on the receiving end of his blaming and projections. Is there a way that you could reduce your time together, especially in relation to work ? Has anything worked in the past when he has been like this?

[Mie]

Sweetheart, I think you are right: it's not a moment to make MY point. If ever... .

I think there are several triggers coming together:

- he f... .it up with his son, who does not want to be in contact

- financial pressure

- darkness > winter depression

- a guess: he feels out of control because he is in a business that he actually cannot do (but want to be the boss)

I'm being more on my own (which I also tried this morning but he just came... .), and figure out things to do outside the house without him. Also, if I'm with other people, he does not attack me verbally, so I don't mind working in the café.

I think what will eventually help is getting some of the problems solved, and I'm hopeful we'll sort out  financial issues in a couple of months. As for his son (18) I can't help him, I think he should start from apologizing for his behavior (but probably it's not that simple). Spring will come eventually and that also means business will be better, and also he feels more useful because there are things to do outside and more activity.

[maxsterling]

such a big frustration with this illness   The criticisms are unfair, and it feels like he is criticizing you for things you have no control over, and for things that you feel are a more direct result of his actions, and not yours.  And you are most likely right - you are stressed to the limit, and each criticism adds more stress, and more errors, which means more criticism, and it just spirals downward. 

But I can tell you from experience, that if you try to pint out his critical attitude, he will hear this: "she's blaming her failures on me!" and he will RAGE and throw it right back at you.  That's not so say you don't have a perfectly valid reason to blame him (as you mentioned, a court would look at it that way), I'm saying that telling him that his criticism is causing you problems more than likely won't get you the result that you want.

Yet, you are boiling over, and feel you need to say something.  I'm in the same place right now.  I think when and if you do say something, follow a couple rules: 1)  Keep it in the present.  Don't bring up past criticisms, just the most current one.  2)  Talk about how it makes you feel rather than blame him.  As opposed to "your criticism caused me to do xyz" perhaps, "I hear that you are very frustrated with me right now over this issue.  To me, it feels that you are being extremely critical, and when I feel that way it makes it hard for me to concentrate.  It's okay to bring up issues you have with me, but if you are going to bring them up in a critical way, then I am going to need to find space so that I can concentrate on what I need to do."

[enlighten me]

I once told my exgf that I was sick of her treating me as her whipping boy.

Needless to say she came out with a massive list of how well she treats me and how delusional I was. I had this thrown in my face several times before we split up.

[sweetheart]

It helps me a lot when I can get behind what my h is stressing about, hearing his truth in what he says has gotten easier as I have managed to depersonalise the words. I sometimes visualise myself shaking off his torrent of words as though I have been caught in a shower of rain , it works for me 

Sometimes and I mean sometimes I can cut right through the words with ' I can hear that you are feeling upset this morning, you've had a lot to deal with lately, I'm sorry you are feeling like this... .' it's like a reset button is pushed and he forgets what he was saying. Other times this just fuels the fire and he accuses me of being his therapist  so I then exit, stage left!

[formflier]

 

The best advice is to get out of the way of the criticism.

However... .that can be hard.  As you found out at cafe... .you probably couldn't leave.  So... then we have to learn out to "deflect" without invalidating.


That is a bit more of an advanced skill... .and takes time.

You will want to learn to say things... .that don't really say things... .(yep... .read that again... .)

I'm sorry you feel that way... .

or

That's your opinion... .

Hang in there... .

[Grey Kitty]

You can enforce a boundary of not listening to that sort of crap, and probably should when it gets to you.

You may have to take actions more drastic than you normally would to enforce those boundaries.

In the cafe, you could say "I cannot handle criticism right now. Please stop."

If he keeps on, you can leave. The business will be harmed, as you were committed to working then, and needed to open the cafe. (I'm assuming that you and he own the business, so you won't get fired.)

Unfortunately, the alternative is teaching him that he can 'trap' you for verbal abuse at this time and place.

... .formflier's suggestion is to try validation instead. That can work, especially if you do it before he gets fully dysregulated... .but probably won't work all the time. In addition, it doesn't work unless you really are in the right emotional/mental place where you really aren't taking it personally and really are trying to be interested in his feelings. If you are feeling defensive, hurt, or pissed, you won't be able to do good, effective validation.

[waverider]

Unfortunately the worst of this behavior often comes at a time when you can't obviously walk away. Whether this is because you feel most vulnerable then and so it affects you most, or whether it is because they believe you can't walk away, I cant obviously say if its that deliberate or not.

Whichever it is the only way to break this deadlock is to make drastic boundaries, like GK says, walk away and if the cafe doesn't open, it doesn't open. Of course there will be consequences, but without bringing on a crisis the bleeding continues. You being trapped and vulnerable will otherwise become reinforced., to you and him both.

[formflier]

cafe doesn't open, it doesn't open. Of course there will be consequences, 

Yes... .the little nuance I would add... .is to make a clear... .unemotional statement (once) that you are trying to get cafe open and can't be distracted (or something like that).  Do not accuse here... just say it in an even tone.  Maybe request his help on a job on other side of cafe.

If he makes a choice to continue in unhelpful behavior... .that is his choice.  Do not carry the burden of the cafe any more after that.

There is most likely information/consequences here that we all don't understand... .so please fill in our information gaps as needed.  But I think we have communicated the general theory of how to handle this pretty well.