Momster wants to cut off kids health insurance

[hatehavingtodothis]

My alcoholic udBPD ex covered our kids insurance for the last two years after she got out of long term (years) treatment and finally got a decent job.  It costs her about $250 a month for all three.  I was shocked as I didn't ask her to do this, and I was paying about $1000 for this same coverage.  It was part of her "making amends" and trying to get back in the kids good favor. 

Roll forward now, she's drinking again (denies it but I saw her in person with two old creepy guys in a local restaurant with my own eyes) , being very mean, texting and email the kids and me day and night (3:00 AM sometimes). She says her employer (a giant insurance company) is now "making" her drop the kids since our twin sons will be 26 in December, and for our daughter (23) the reason is "because she's not a full time student".  None of the kids have a decent relationship with her and won't talk to her because she's just so (literally) crazy. I called UHC, her carrier, and they tell me there is no reason the 22 daughter can't stay on.  But momster is mad.  She has a "you will talk to me, I'm your mother" attitude with the kids.  UHC also said that notwithstanding the boys turning 26, that yes she can still actually keep them on, possibly through COBRA. Yet she is looking for every reason to cancel them now, to punish them.

I know the kids should be on their own and pay their own insurance, but frankly, they are so "delayed" in life from her years and years of craziness and abuse; I feel sorry for them.  Then, she sent us all a nasty text last night (which I have not responded to) saying "thanks for making Christmas plans without me, I will just stay home alone, but I'll be ok".  For years none of the kids have wanted a thing to do with her holidays, as this is when she's at her absolute worst. 

I wrote her a long letter that I've not sent and don't think I will, because it will be seen as an attack and criticism.  It talks about how much we have done for HER during her many years of trouble and respectfully asks for continuing "help" with the kids for a little while longer, until they can get on their feet.

Don't know what Im posting this, I needed to vent somewhere and am just so frustrated that she does hardly ANYTHING for the kids and is a horrible mean mom (this insurance was the only thing) and has the nerve to suggest we would want to include her in our Christmas plans (What the heck?) or anything else.

Two days ago, she drove to our daughters apartment, who has her cell blocked and hasn't spoken to her for this full last year, because of late night drunk texts and calls, and tosses a birthday present on her doorstep and says "here's you present" and just turns and leaves. Then sends her an email saying "get this insurance handled ASAP!, Ive cancelled yours, and BTW how did you like your sweater?

How have others of you dealt with an angry ex spouse who continues to want to hurt you, through your kids, and even hurt them too, to "punish" everybody?

[Panda39]

hatehavingtodothis,

I work in Human Resources and I want to confirm the insurance carriers information to you was correct.  Your sons can no longer be covered under a parents insurance once they turn 26 and your daughter is still eligible until she is 26.  If your sons don't have their own coverage through their employers then they should check out options through the Affordable Care Act ("Obamacare". (They should start checking into it before they turn 26... .get the info and the ball rolling).  If I were you rather than get into it with your ex (who sounds like she is headed towards loosing her job at some point anyway based on her drinking if nothing else) I would just cover your daughter if she has no other options.

I'm so sorry that you and your kids are having to deal with her games. If I was you I would not count on her for anything regarding your kids if that is financially possible.  She isn't capable of being reliable and honestly it might be easier on all of the rest of you if you have as few connections with her as possible.

The upside if there is one is that everyone in your family are adults so everyone can make their own decision about how much or how little contact to have with the uBPDxw.  Sounds like your daughter is already "No Contact" what type of relationship do your son's have with their mother?

My SO still has a minor D14 that his uBPDxw still uses to punish him.  If uBPDxw is neglectful or abusive to D14 and he confronts her, she takes it out on the D14... .just sick  D18 is painted white and D14 is painted black... .a horrible way to treat your children.  But it isn't about them it's always about her   

[Nope]

Panda is right about the drinking impacting her ability to keep her job. If she's really cancelled the youngest then it could be she's alrlost the job and just won't say so. My DH's ex would often tell SS10 that she wouldn't get him things because he was bad when the reality was that she didn't have the money.

I totally agree that it's terrible that her parenting did so much to stunt their growth into adulthood. It's totally unfair that they should be left in the lurtch now. But never underestimate the resourcefulness and resilience of kids who've had it tough. The best thing you can do is validate them. Yes, they've been let down by their mom yet again. So it's time to do what they've done every other time this has happened and pick up the pieces. The good news is it sounds like she's out of ammo.

[ForeverDad]

There's probably nothing anybody can do to reason with her without entitling her, due to the children being adults even family court won't make her take the less expensive option.  As an adult, she's allowed to make an a$$ of herself.