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Author Topic: When my husband is having a rage, i stay calm. But afterwards I loose it...  (Read 365 times)
Far
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« on: December 07, 2014, 10:59:58 PM »

I've been married for 27 years.  My husband always had tendencies toward anger but the last 2-3 years have become even more difficult.  I always feel that I am walking in a field of mine.  I just don't know when an explosion will occur. 

I was always able to calm things down but recently I am unable to do it.  I'm not sure if he is more out of control or I have lost all patience, either way it is bringing constant chaos at home and work since we work at the same office.  Last thursday, he yelled from 7 a.m. to 1 pm almost non-stop.  A few weeks ago, he got into a rage because my son got a haircut. 

The rages are now daily and many times a day.  There is zero calmness in our house.  I have three older children, 2 of which are still living at home.  The youngest is living in a dorm and visits on weekends.  It has reached the point that my children don't want to be near me or my husband.  I have actually stopped serving dinner and having family dinners because the air feels explosive.

I have to find a way to bring calmness to my household. I am loosing it completely.  I feel extremely hopeless and until just a week ago i didn't even know I was acting as a caretaker to a BPD.  It was something I always did to bring calmness to the house.  He has never been diagnosed but reading the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline seems to be a book written about my life and family. 

NO ONE (other than my children) knows what my life is like and the rages i have to deal with because i have always kept my mouth shut (the past few days i have been thinking did i hold it in to protect my husband or myself?).  Out of the house he is funny, accommodating, happy, and looks like the calmest person around.  But in the house or at the office towards me and the children he has extreme rages.  The rages are more often and more volatile.

I am going crazy.  I'm on a roller coaster ride and I really feel lost and alone.  When the kids were little and these rages occurred I  would leave the house with the kids but now that the kids are older, I don't know how to deal with it.  During my husband rage, I sit calmly and pretend it doesn't bother me.  But afterwards sometimes, minutes or hours later, that my husband acts happy and as if nothing has happened I turn into a stone wall and I am angry- very angry.  I don't know how not to let his words affect me. 

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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2014, 11:39:04 PM »

Hello Far.

I don't think we ever learn how to not let rage and verbal/emotional abuse affect us. It does. 

I am truly sorry that you are living within such turmoil and upset. There are tools within the Lessons posted to the right of this page that can and do bring down the level of conflict in living with a person with BPD. Have you had a chance to look at them? It can feel very overwhelming, and you are holding things in that you should not as a basis of coping with an incredibly difficult situation. But internalizing is not a strategy that has long term viability.

Worse yet, you have probably experienced the intensification of your husband's rage when you have spoken out against it. Neither internalizing nor "fighting back" works with people with BPD. There are communication strategies that are effective with people with BPD - heavy doses of validation and empathy can allow you to voice your own truth and need from time to time. But I soon learned that these tools were largely non-effective during my uBPDw's rages.

The two things that have lowered the conflict within my house the most are: 1) setting consistent, even boundaries about what I can and cannot accept, and 2) taking care of my own needs and doing less rescuing. Okay, a third thing that helps is really resisting getting baited in to Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining (JADE).

Please consider taking a look at the Lessons here on this page, and keep posting as you find what is and isn't working for you. With BPD, the emotional rollercoaster can seem so random because the person with BPD is processing through emotion/response cycles so rapidly that you rarely are being met with what they are feeling and often not even what they originally were reacting to. It's a hard disease, and so I can only encourage you to start giving yourself some self-care - go out for walks, talk with friends who may understand, use this support group here as much as you can.

Again, I am very sorry for the difficulty that you are in. The lack of stable and rational communication with our partners is very damaging. Please do continue to post here, and let us know how we can help you. 
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believer55
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 153



« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 02:56:03 AM »

Hi Far. Thank you for your honest account. I am also new to the thought that I am a caretaker of a man with BPD. I have found the lessons and these boards very useful. The techniques they teach are effective but I think really depend on the energy you have in reserve. I know my man hates the way he is but somedays my energy is so sapped I just bite back. I am making sure I look after myself as I know most of the time he is not able to. As much as you may care for you SO you deserve to be looked after too.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 10:48:40 AM »

Welcome to the boards, Far!

Please stick around and keep sharing your story--it does help. A lot. There are people here who understand because we've lived it, or something way too close. Trust me, you are NOT alone.

During my husband rage, I sit calmly and pretend it doesn't bother me.  But afterwards sometimes, minutes or hours later, that my husband acts happy and as if nothing has happened I turn into a stone wall and I am angry- very angry.  I don't know how not to let his words affect me. 

His words WILL affect you. You can try to pretend they don't, and you've seen how that works. The anger just builds up inside you.

That's a hard truth to swallow, but there is a simple solution. I can't call it easy, but it is simple, at least!

Don't listen to those hurtful words.

I don't mean stay in the room trying not to hear them. That's what you've been doing.

Instead, leave the room when he starts. He will likely try to follow you if you do this; you may need to leave the house. Some members have had to get in their car and drive to a police station to stop their partner from following them!

We can help you work on specific details of how to make this work. You also might benefit from reading this workshop here:

How to take a time out

You need to protect yourself from his rage before you can start healing from the damage it has already done to you. 
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2014, 10:51:50 AM »

I've got a postscript question about your children.

Are they old enough to be responsible for protect themselves from their father?

Are you trying to protect them?
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formflier
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2014, 01:02:35 PM »



Welcome Welcome Welcome

I have to find a way to bring calmness to my household.

We are here to help... .you have a lot to learn... .many others... .just like you... .have taken this journey.

Step 1... .I realize you feel responsible for bringing calm to your household.  But... .you should only feel responsible for what you can control.  The rest... .you are... .by definition.  Not responsible for.

I think it would help if you can give us some word for word detail about a rage or two... .we can take it from there.

YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

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maxsterling
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2014, 02:27:42 PM »

Wow, excellent responses so far!  I'm certain that everyone here knows exactly what you are facing - I know I have.  It took awhile, but eventually I started truly understanding that her rages had nothing to do with me - some are just so bizarre and absurd that they can't possibly have to do with me!  That makes it easier to de-personalize and go on about my business, but the reality is:

Being screamed at, belittled, and called names hurts.  No matter how much you try to not take things personally, or walk away from the abuse. 

There will always be those little first jabs before you have a chance to leave the room.  And those hurt.  And there can be many of those, and they build up inside you.  And sometimes it feels like it is constant, and that you have to enforce your boundary a dozen times a day.  And that is where this message board comes in.  And that is where your friends and family and safe places come in.  I strongly urge you to open up about this.  Perhaps see a therapist.  Maybe CODA or Al-Anon would be right for you.  Even just having a nearby friend whom you can go visit when you are at the end of your rope can help you catch your breath.  And post here  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Reading and posting this message board is a great way to calm yourself Smiling (click to insert in post)

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