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Author Topic: Positive interaction after a period of NC  (Read 358 times)
trappedinlove
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 295


« on: December 08, 2014, 04:59:55 AM »

My uBPDxso and I had very little contact last few months.

She moved to a different city about a year ago but we still have many common friends and common interests and we remained friends on fb and that was quite a challenge for me to cope with as I was exposed to the new life she started for herself with a bunch of new friends, new relationships, etc. while she gradually disconnected all ties with me.

Last week, a common friend of ours announced that he's moving abroad to work on his master's degree and both of us (separately) communicated with him about throwing a farewell party - which eventually took form of a meetup with many of our common friends around our common interest and that will take place in a couple weeks.

I must admit that my gut reaction was panic as I know she is going to be there with her new bf (which I got to know briefly and he's a cool guy, nevertheless it's obvious to me she doesn't love him but rather adores him for his achievements and she likes his kids - she loves kids and works in children education... .).

Anyhow, we exchanged a few private messages around this and a couple days later I got a message saying that they invite us (me and my new gf) for dinner the evening before the meetup and we're invited to stay over in her place as it will be vacant while she'll spend the night with her partner.

I was very ambivalent about this.  On one hand I was so happy to get this invitation as I still care for her very much and I would like to find a way to rebuild our friendship and stay in touch but on the other hand, being in virtually no contact for such a long time, it seemed so awkward to see each other in such a forum and I'd preferred to meet one on one first to break the ice.

I told my gf about this.  She knows about my past with my BPDx and how hard the b/u was for me and she knows I do want to rekindle our friendship in a platonic way.  All in all she was quite negative about this and I truly understand this.  She must feel threatened by my ex and again, this is not a great way to socialize first time, and definitely not to sleep over in her place Smiling (click to insert in post)

I politely declined the invitation and mentioned I'd be happy to meet on a different occasion.  I also asked her what's up and got a laconic response on the lines of "I'm great.  The <new place> is doing good to me Smiling (click to insert in post)" which immediately raised a   around push/pull etc. But looking into my side of the story I realized that the way I put the "what's up" question with the lack of any relationship between us, pretty much invited such a response... .

Eventually, after deliberating whether to tell her that I miss her and would like to meet and talk, I decided to not corner her and I simply told her a little about a change I recently made in my life and how I feel about it.  And magically, she responded by revealing a similar change she is going through (which isn't so perfect as you'd probably guess) and we had a short exchange of messages around this - with zero expectations for this to materialize into something else.  Just simple mutual and friendly support.

I really felt good about this - letting go of any expectations and simply being good friends with someone I care about.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2014, 09:29:38 PM »

I simply told her a little about a change I recently made in my life and how I feel about it.  And magically, she responded by revealing a similar change she is going through (which isn't so perfect as you'd probably guess) and we had a short exchange of messages around this - with zero expectations for this to materialize into something else.  Just simple mutual and friendly support.

I really felt good about this - letting go of any expectations and simply being good friends with someone I care about.

It does sound nice and healthy.

OTOH, I notice that your current gf had some concerns.

I've got a concern too, from what I've seen on these boards where others tried to shift down to 'friends'. Unless your uBPDxso has done some significant therapy/healing/growth while you were split, expect trouble.

She's still very capable of doing the push-pull dynamic, and not just with her current bf.

If she decides to paint you white, she will naturally try to jump into a deep emotional intimacy with you. It is likely to look bad for her current bf and your current gf. It might be as bad as it looks too!

Be very ready to enforce strong boundaries and keep her at a 'friendly' distance. If you had no luck enforcing boundaries with her when you were in the r/s, then you need to learn real quick if you want to keep this from blowing up on you.
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trappedinlove
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 295


« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 10:45:33 PM »

I simply told her a little about a change I recently made in my life and how I feel about it.  And magically, she responded by revealing a similar change she is going through (which isn't so perfect as you'd probably guess) and we had a short exchange of messages around this - with zero expectations for this to materialize into something else.  Just simple mutual and friendly support.

I really felt good about this - letting go of any expectations and simply being good friends with someone I care about.

It does sound nice and healthy.

OTOH, I notice that your current gf had some concerns.

I've got a concern too, from what I've seen on these boards where others tried to shift down to 'friends'. Unless your uBPDxso has done some significant therapy/healing/growth while you were split, expect trouble.

She's still very capable of doing the push-pull dynamic, and not just with her current bf.

If she decides to paint you white, she will naturally try to jump into a deep emotional intimacy with you. It is likely to look bad for her current bf and your current gf. It might be as bad as it looks too!

Be very ready to enforce strong boundaries and keep her at a 'friendly' distance. If you had no luck enforcing boundaries with her when you were in the r/s, then you need to learn real quick if you want to keep this from blowing up on you.

It is indeed a valid concern. It will be extremely tempting to get carried away by the fanrasy of an intimate emotional affair with her and if that happens I'll need to define these boundaries for myself as well as for her.
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Grey Kitty
********
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 11:35:41 PM »

I'm making an assumption here, and I hope I'm right:

Your r/s with your current gf is more important to you than a friendship with your uBPDexso.

If that is true, I'm going to suggest you do two things to make your gf feel safer about it.

First, tell her that you are aware of the risk that your ex will try to push you into something inappropriate, and that you really really don't want that, even though you would like to be friends with her again.

Second tell your gf that she is more important, and that if she feels threatened, just say a word and you will back off. (And mean it!)

It does require you to be vulnerable with your gf, but it should be worht it.
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trappedinlove
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 295


« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2014, 08:13:43 AM »

Agreed. I've been open about that from day one with my new gf and it allowed the r/s to develop. Otherwise, I know from past experience, I felt so much guilt about this that it geopardized the r/s.
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