Being falsely accused...

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDbf frequently will accuses me of "looking to" or "trying to" cheat on him.  I have told him multiple times that I don't want to be with anyone else.  And in all honesty whether this relationship succeeds or ends I DON'T WANT to be with another man.  Having an ex-husband and 4yrs. with my uBPDbf I just want to be alone with my D9.

This recent accusation came after inviting my uBPDBf to my D9's sport event.  The event started early so I went with the D9 and saved a bleacher spot for my mom, myself & BF to sit.  My D9 was doing 3 events, so when she wasn't out there I was in back sitting with her.  My uBPDbf shows up to see the 3rd (last) event, so when my D9 is up we got sit in my reserved spot.  Now... .I have now been accused of texting someone that was sitting in front of us at the  sporting event.  My uBPDbf claims he could see the guys phone and there was a text with my first name.  My first name isn't uncommon for my generation.  It is possible that my uBPDbf may have actually seen my name on a text but I don't, didn't even know the person and/or have any conversation whether by text or in person with them.  Which I said to my BF.

Yet, I he believes I texted that person and has accuse me of attempting to start cheating, whatever and ask me to end it. 

How can you end something that never happened?  How can you explain, validate something that isn't real?     Right now I feel I'm in "Crazy Town."

I have an ex-husband and now an uBPDbf, I don't have time, energy, or the want to be involved with any other men... .

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf frequently will accuses me of "looking to" or "trying to" cheat on him.  I have told him multiple times that I don't want to be with anyone else.  And in all honesty whether this relationship succeeds or ends I DON'T WANT to be with another man.  Having an ex-husband and 4yrs. with my uBPDbf I just want to be alone with my D9.

This recent accusation came after inviting my uBPDBf to my D9's sport event.  The event started early so I went with the D9 and saved a bleacher spot for my mom, myself & BF to sit.  My D9 was doing 3 events, so when she wasn't out there I was in back sitting with her.  My uBPDbf shows up to see the 3rd (last) event, so when my D9 is up we got sit in my reserved spot.  Now... .I have now been accused of texting someone that was sitting in front of us at the  sporting event.  My uBPDbf claims he could see the guys phone and there was a text with my first name.  My first name isn't uncommon for my generation.  It is possible that my uBPDbf may have actually seen my name on a text but I don't, didn't even know the person and/or have any conversation whether by text or in person with them.  Which I said to my BF.

Yet, I he believes I texted that person and has accuse me of attempting to start cheating, whatever and ask me to end it. 

How can you end something that never happened?  How can you explain, validate something that isn't real?     Right now I feel I'm in "Crazy Town."

I have an ex-husband and now an uBPDbf, I don't have time, energy, or the want to be involved with any other men... .

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[Grey Kitty]

It is pretty close to a no-win situation for you when you are accused like that.

I'm wondering... .has your uBPDbf been this jealous the whole time you've known him? Or is it a new thing. I can imagine several reasons for it.

One being projection--he's cheating, looking out for prospects, or thinking about it, and is projecting that on you.

Another being having been cheated on by a prior partner, and being very nervous about it.

For that matter, just being sorta crazy that way is possible too.

I'm assuming that you haven't cheated on him, and haven't done anything that really would raise his suspicions.

[formflier]

 

The "normal" reaction to to tr to "prove" your innocence.  I don't know of anyone on here that has used that tactic successfully. 

Honor and validate the troubling feelings... .don't agree with any accusations.

Can you give us a little bit of word for word how one of these things happens.  We might be able to help out some.

[FigureIt]

He has been this way on and off throughout the relationship.  I have NEVER cheated on him.  He DID cheat on his wife before me, multiple times. 

The way it was said to me was... ."That guy in front of us at the swim meet, you need to stop?"  I had no idea what he was talking about and responded "What?"  "He had his phone open and I saw a text with your name as the sender (my first name only)."  Me:  "I don't even know the person."  "I didn't even have a random conversation with him while I was there, let alone text him."  BF:  "Those are the facts, I saw your name."  "You don't know what time I got there."  "You went to the bathroom after I got there."  I responded to those statements with "I don't care what time you got there, it doesn't matter. and I was walking out with my mom to see the event and I needed to take a dump before going to sit down."  I was very frustrated, pretty blunt and matter of fact.

Then I just dropped it and walked away.  I did come back later and say "I don't want to be with another man, I don't have the time, want, or emotional energy."

He claims that "the facts are the facts" and I said "maybe you interpret the facts wrong." 

My uBPDbf is going to a counselor, per him.  I have not been to the counseling with him and my uBPDbf claims he talks to her about his issues.  My BF has not ever stated that he had BPD and I don't know if the counselor has ever approached that with him.  I did offer to come to his next appointment which is tonight, his response was "eventually" but he needed to speak with her.  My concern with his counseling is that she gets is warped, misinterpreted side of things and not the actual truth.

[FigureIt]

Also, I did check his phone a couple days before and came across a text reply by him to a woman who he was once with in the past (before me when he was married.)  She had asked about his holiday, etc.  His response was that he spent it with family and that his son was decorating the house, tree, etc. for xmas. 

I was hurt and upset and clearly pointed out that he lied, by completely omitting me in his response.  I am the one who does ALL the inside decorating & tree, and he son may come help with the outside lights, but they aren't done yet.  He made the text sound as though I am not a part of his life at all.

[formflier]

 

Read in the lessons about JADE.

That is kind a what you were doing... .

Best to just express sorrow for his feelings and move on.

If her persists about something he saw on someone elses phones... encourage him to discuss it with that person... .not you.  You are not involved. 

Stop talking about it... .or at most keep repeating you are sorry he is having these feelings and thoughts. 

[maxsterling]

Been there, done that.  Formflier gives good advice.  His accusation was absurd, defending yourself doesn't solve anything.  Find a way to validate his underlying emotion, and then a simple "no" and then refuse to participate further.  This is his problem.  He wants to lure you into a no-win conversation because that is when things get out of control. 

I'd also suggest resisting the temptation to look through his phone.  That seems to be a course of action that never leads to any kind of resolution. 

So why is he accusing you?  I think many of the responses are in the right direction.  After being with my BPD partner for 2 years, a few comments she has made help shed light on the way her brain works:

1)  She hates herself.  And at times, she can't think of any reason I would want to be with her, so she concludes that I will leave her.

2)  She's cheated on partners in the past.  She assumes everyone is like that, and doesn't see anything stopping people from cheating, because she hasn't been able to stop herself from being unfaithful.

3)  Projection.  Pretty typical for pwBPD (and many nons too) to justify their behavior for looking or assuming their partner is guilty of worse.

[formflier]

  He wants to lure you into a no-win conversation because that is when things get out of control. 

Max has nailed it.

You will chase after proving yourself innocent... .then at the last second the bar will move... .and you have to start over.

Best to not start in first place...

[Grey Kitty]

This is difficult... .but you may need to enforce a boundary here.

Don't participate in circular arguments about you supposedly cheating.

It is OK to say your truth once in a situation like this. "I don't know that guy and never texted him. I wasn't looking at his phone, so I have no idea if he was texting another (first name)."

However if he keeps going, just refuse to participate. Try "I don't have anything more to say about it. It is your choice whether you trust me or not."

One of my hot-button issues was being told what I am thinking or feeling. I wish I had just calmly ended all those circular arguments like that, but sometimes I ended them by screaming ":)on't F***ING tell me what I'm thinking." Not my best moment, but I did at least end the discussion then!