Detaching and Christmas

[wakingfirst]

Hi - question about, of all things, Christmas cards.

My pwBPD is an ex who lives thousands of miles away.  I'm trying to be his friend (jury's out!).  We've been emotionally intimate lately - a close friend of his died, and between that and the possibility he has BPD (he's struggling to process that), he's needed some support.  That was no problem.  But now he's distancing from me, big time!  And when I do hear from him he's feeling mighty sorry for himself.  These two things together usually mean an emotional dysregulation is coming.  So I've detached before he can pick a fight with me or tell me off for some imagined thing... .well, you all know what I mean.

Detaching over Christmas feels sad, but okay, I see it's necessary.  I'm not sending him a gift.  I'm not arranging to phone him over the holidays to see how he's doing (he will likely be alone).  But: do I send him a card?

I'm a big card sender, he isn't - so I'd not expect to get one back in any case. Is a Christmas card antithetical to detachment? Or is it a way to say, ':)ude, I'm here when you're feeling better."?

I feel like that's an incredibly frivolous question.  But it goes to the heart of a bigger issue, which is what does detachment look like when you're physically far away from the pwBPD anyway? Is there any place for gestures like Christmas cards?  Or is silence safer? 

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[formflier]

 

My first reaction is that if you like sending cards... .send a card.

Is there a reason you are trying to be LC or NC?

If he knows you are a big card sender... .and you don't send him one... .that might send a message.

[wakingfirst]

I'm going for LC because he is withdrawing from me... .I've learned from experience if I try to keep up contact when he's withdrawing it ends with him getting angry. 

[formflier]

I'm going for LC because he is withdrawing from me... .I've learned from experience if I try to keep up contact when he's withdrawing it ends with him getting angry. 

Ok... how do you know he is withdrawing from you?

[maxsterling]

I was faced with similar a few years ago.  I had recently broken up with a girlfriend, who in hindsight probably fit criteria for NPD and BPD.  Of course, I didn't put the pieces together until after we broke up.  We tried to remain friends.  Or at least she claimed she still wanted me in her life, and I was confused by what she meant.  After a month and a half of trying to be "friends", I realized that she wasn't much of a friend and had serious addiction issues.  So, being ignorant, I tried the "you need some serious help" approach, to which she blew up at me.   I was at that point done with her, and felt NC was my best route.  A few weeks later she did send me a photo of snow in her yard with a short and kind message.  This was about the beginning of December.  I debated whether or not to send her a Christmas card.  I eventually decided to send her the card because I felt in the spirit, and that it was the right thing to do to spread cheer - not just to her, but to her dad and son whom I had also befriended during the r/s.  I don't regret sending the card at all, but I will admit that after I sent it part of me feared a potential negative response.

Not sure if my story helps - but I say if you send a card do it because you like sending cards and for no other reason.  And be prepared for a negative response. 

[wakingfirst]

I know he is withdrawing because I'm suddenly hearing a lot less from him.  When I contacted him, he told me about a new friend he has made who "understands" him, to whom he can "tell anything".  That's how he usually describes me.  He's too "busy" and has "too much" on his mind to follow up with plans we had together.  This is what he usually does after periods of closeness.  He focuses on someone else, he pulls away from me.  It hurts, but I know the terrain.  I know when I try to force contact he lashes out at me.  If I leave him to it, he eventually gets in touch.  I don't actually want to ignore him over Christmas; I'm trying to do what's best for both of us.

[MaroonLiquid]

I know he is withdrawing because I'm suddenly hearing a lot less from him.  When I contacted him, he told me about a new friend he has made who "understands" him, to whom he can "tell anything".  That's how he usually describes me.  He's too "busy" and has "too much" on his mind to follow up with plans we had together.  This is what he usually does after periods of closeness.  He focuses on someone else, he pulls away from me.  It hurts, but I know the terrain.  I know when I try to force contact he lashes out at me.  If I leave him to it, he eventually gets in touch.  I don't actually want to ignore him over Christmas; I'm trying to do what's best for both of us.

Kind of in the same boat with my wife.  Had a great week last week and now she just fell off the map without a typical "huge dysregulation".  Crap

[formflier]

I know he is withdrawing because I'm suddenly hearing a lot less from him.  

So... really... .you have a pretty good idea what is going on. 

I say this only to caution you... .and anyone else reading this from "knowing"... .or treating something like a fact... .when it's really just a good idea.

This is good normal advice... .but when you are trying to figure out "what phase" a pwBPD is in ... or what they are thinking... .etc etc... .at best... .you are making an educated guess.

Acknowledging that will help you treat that information properly.  Knowing sounds very "certain".

But... .that aside.

It seems like you like to send cards... .so send one that makes you happy... .and let other react as they see fit!

Ho Ho Ho!