The workings of fear of abandonment, what can I do?

[Issy]

What can I do when the workings of the fear of abandonment already set in, as in rejecting/'abandoning' me, just because she doesn't want me to reject/leave her?

Only she can help herself, but what can I do to still support her and convincing her I'm still here but at the same time I don't want to be treated badly?

Please help, it's so hurting and frustrating.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi Issy.

Can you tell us a little more about what is happening right now? If your partner is not in the midst of a dysregulation, SET can help communicate that you see her, she is important to you, you understand/validate her feelings and also can speak your need. Have you tried the tool of SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth) with your partner?

If she is in the midst of a significant upset or dysregulation, SET probably won't work. If she is being abusive, then you have to set a consistent boundary with her to protect yourself and to help her bring her emotions under regulation.

Can you post a little further about what is going on right now?

[Issy]

Hi takingandse,

Thank you for your reply.

Right now silent treatment is going on and it's going on for months (a first for me). I've tried everything that youcan think of (except being angry, downgrading or begging) including SET and that didn't work. I've showed a couple of times my understanding, caring and explained I can only help her if she tells me what's going on.

I've seen some obsessive behaviour over me, like following what I do and respond to it, yet never directly towards me. She openly makes a lot of 'friends' lately and I feel like I'm being replaced (she does/say things with them she would with me), but I still think like I've read about BPD she does want a relationship with me.

I think she got scared I was going to reject her or leave her, because I wanted a talk with her. I think that got her mind spinning and her imagination running of with her, imagining bad things so I should be 'eliminated'. I actually have once been diagnosed with AvpD (which I think don't follow the criteria for anymore ) and I can relate, because in my case I would sense or I would predict rejection and so a mechanism sets in and start to test/reject the person I am assuming they'll do to me, so I was already mad at them for it while it didn't even already happened! I always felt horrible for that, cause it happened the most when I actually really liked the person and wanted a normal fun relationship with, but I was so scared... .

So I think she is mentally not well, and she is embracing her 'evil' dark part and letting everyone no she is like that, but I think she doesn't want all this, she is a good person by heart and she just want to be loved...

But the thing is, if I say all that to her she still would not speak to me directly  Well I'm gonna do it again and this time toroughly. I am now witholding any contact for a couple of weeks now, because I deserve better, she really hurt me and these weeks without worrying about her were great.

I really don't know how far I can go with setting boundaries right now, scince she is ignoring me.

[takingandsending]

Hi Issy.

I have read through a few of your posts to see if I could better understand your friendship with your pwBPD. If I understand it, you aren't in an RS, you live in different cities, but you have been friends for a couple of years. She has been non-responsive to you and you have primarily been communicating through social media.

Do you want to be in an RS with her, or had either of you talked of that previously? I guess I am wondering if you are aware of the level of emotional attachment that you have to your friend. Knowing that can make it easier to determine what you can and cannot accept in your friendship with her.

You raise a tough question - what is an appropriate boundary around a pwBPD giving you the silent treatment? All boundaries are personal and are developed on the things that we know to be true within ourselves, our core beliefs and values. It's no good having that inner knowing compromised on a repeated basis - it causes pain, and worse, eats away at our self worth.

I think it is reasonable to let your friend know that while you understand she may be afraid or even angry at your asking to have a talk about how she has treated you, and that feeling afraid and angry is understandable, your friendship works better when you communicate respectfully and lovingly. Let her know that you will be there for her, under conditions of respectful and loving communication, when she is ready to talk, but that you are making no further attempts to have contact with her until that time.

And give yourself the care and attention that you deserve ... .and be willing to accept that you have no control over her actions. The ball is truly in her court, and it only moves back into your court under the conditions that support both of you, not just her.

Hope this helps. Keep posting and good luck.