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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Author Topic: She painted another "best friend" black.  (Read 352 times)
maxsterling
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
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« on: December 08, 2014, 11:48:56 AM »

Well, she couldn't let it rest.  She was frustrated with what she believed was her friend's self-centeredness, couldn't let it go, and decided to fire off the "let's talk sometime this week" text message at 6:30am.  This led to a defensive reply from her friend, that in turn led to a heated argument via text message with her friend, that included nastiness and accusations.  In the end, the friend tried to use the "you are acting so borderline" argument, and then threatened to file a restraining order to keep her away from her daughter. 

Wow.  This friend is likely BPD herself - undiagnosed, but clearly has major mental health issues.  My wife seems to have seen her role in this and in the conflict with the other friend a few weeks ago, and says she needs lo learn to let things go.  Afterwards, we actually had a good conversation (the first good conversation in weeks) where she said she needs to focus more on her and less on other people.  Breakthrough?  It was relieving to hear her talk that way, because it is 100% true.  The entire last month has been her living entirely in the second and third person, and never the third person. 

Of course she is shaken by the incident with the friend - but it's like that incident put light on her issues, and the way she was talking she was more open and admitting her issues than I have heard her in a very long time.  She decided to go to an alanon meeting today (a good idea), and yesterday afternoon I was actually able to have a constructive conversation with her about these issues without her getting defensive.  Of course, I am getting better about validating and not validating the invalid, and other techniques like SET, that make these conversations go better (when she is receptive).

Yet despite all that, she first thing she wanted to talk to me about when I got up this morning was my dad, and how she's annoyed by something he did two weeks ago, and how we really need to talk to him... .
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2014, 12:48:36 PM »

 

Anything else in your wife's treatment routine change?

What change ever got made after the last round of suicide threats?

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maxsterling
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« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 02:06:34 PM »

Anything else in your wife's treatment routine change?

What change ever got made after the last round of suicide threats?

Good question.  I had to think.  That was back mid-October.  There have been changes in our lives, but in her treatment routine... .hmm.  Well, she decided to get more involved in 12 step programs again.  back in October, she told me she felt like quitting.  She quit going to group therapy - said it was "triggering" her.  She still sees her therapist once per week.  We still go to MC about every other week, although we have not been in almost a month now due to dental issues.

So really, nothing changed in her treatment routine.  I suspect another round of suicide threats/dysregulation to be forthcoming because nothing has really changed.  Grr!  I guess I have let that get put behind me, but it was a concern of mine after the last round - she said she would do something different, yet she has done nothing different.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 03:08:39 PM »

  she said she would do something different, yet she has done nothing different.

Because of the seriousness of the consequences... .I would say next time you are having a good talk... .or are at MC... .this would be appropriate to bring up.

I have MC this Thursday... .first thing.  For variety of reasons... .it's been about a month as well.

Should be interesting... .I need to post a thread about my goals... .I'm sure you will get a good chuckle at my expense... .
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