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Author Topic: UBPDw "devastated" that I confided in my parents--Is she right?  (Read 462 times)
terranova79
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« on: December 10, 2014, 01:17:01 PM »

Hi everyone,

My uBPDw are in a very bad stage of our marriage--I told her a few months ago that I wanted a divorce, but have since pulled back so we could have a chance to work on things.  From my perspective and that of everyone I've spoken to, she has treated me like garbage for the last year, and not very well for even longer.  I made it clear multiple times over the last year that I didn't like how she was treating me, but I hadn't brought up the "divorce" word until three months ago.

Anyway, my wife is now "devastated" to learn that I had confided in my parents throughout the year about the state of our marriage, including telling them of specific instances of verbal abuse (yelling, name calling, constant nagging).  She is also "devastated" that I discussed divorce with my parents before I brought it up with her.  This is even though I pretty much always told my parents I didn't want a divorce and that it would be a last resort, but I did "discuss" it with them...

Should I feel guilty for confiding in my parents?  I never told them anything that wasn't true.  My uBPDw makes me feel guilty, but the truth is that I never would've spilled the beans to my parents if she didn't treat me so badly and send me into a deep depression.  And as for tr talk of divorce, my wife has said multiple times this year that we "aren't compatible," that we shouldn't have gotten married, that I'm not the same person she married, and that she would leave me if things didn't improve.  From my perspective, she was already putting separation/divorce on the table, so how could I not discuss it wih my parents?

What do you all think?  Should I feel guilty?  I feel like I've been turned into the villain here, even though I was just trying to survive a horrible situation she created.  If I were in her shoes, my reaction would be to apologize for putting her in the situation where she wanted a divorce ( I apologize enough as it is), but she just uses this new information to hammer me down.

Thanks for your thoughts.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2014, 01:48:18 PM »

Guilty?  No.  One thing I'm learning about my wife (extremely high functioning) is she loved the fact that I didn't tell my family or her family anything.  Until she accused (not true) me of hitting her to them, we kept everything "in-house".  By keeping everything "in-house", she could cover herself.  Now that I have told my family, and included her family in on an issue, she has changed a little bit.  Now her mom is staying with her because I believe she is starting to see some issues in my wife.  One thing I believe this illness loves (especially in high functioning BPD's) is being "hidden".  That way, when and if they paint you completely black, they can hide and convince the people they know of their truth.  I have leaned now to not hide some things or sweep them under the rug anymore.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2014, 01:57:56 PM »

Do not feel guilty about reaching out for help and support. The more you keep that stuff quiet, the harder it will be to cope or make any headway. Until I started talking to other people, I was lost in FOG. I really thought I was crazy.

The only circumstance where she might be right is if your parents are known for blabbing stuff. When I talked to my dad about some of the stuff between me and my husband, it was a bit scary because I had not really given any indication that anything was wrong at all. Once I started opening up about some stuff, other people admitted that they saw some things that didn't seem quite right but they weren't going to bring it up because that stuff is between me and my husband.
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terranova79
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« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2014, 02:39:22 PM »

Thanks for your thoughts.  Were any one you in the same situation, where you are being criticized for reaching out to your family?  How did you handle the criticism?  What I want to say is that if she hadn't treated me so badly then I never wouldve felt the need to reach out for support, and that anyhing I would have told my family wouldn't have been so bad.  But that would just set her off.

I also really want to tell her that I am just not going to divulge more about what I've apoken to my family about, but then she'll just accuse me of more deception and lies.  Ugh.  I just don't feel like I can ever win.

Any more thoughts?  And really, thank you all very much for chiming in.  I really appreciate it.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2014, 03:10:06 PM »

Thanks for your thoughts.  Were any one you in the same situation, where you are being criticized for reaching out to your family?  How did you handle the criticism?  What I want to say is that if she hadn't treated me so badly then I never wouldve felt the need to reach out for support, and that anyhing I would have told my family wouldn't have been so bad.  But that would just set her off.

I don't know that my partner criticized me but I know that I felt really guilty for reaching out to other people. I felt like I was betraying him by sharing details of our lives with other people. Instead of saying that you needed to reach out because of her treating you badly is there another way to approach it? Saying that you reached out because of her is blaming her for a choice that you made. Does she have anybody that she talks to or confides in? If so, is it possible to use that as an analogy. How did she find out that you had talked to your parents? One of the problems that I have had is that it is almost impossible to confide in others because my partner has eavesdropped on me or wants to know everything that I am doing. Is it possible to set a boundary? I know that when I talked to my parents and others I tried to tell my husband that I needed another opinion. I was feeling overwhelmed and felt like I no longer knew how to communicate with him. And, I could also use the fact that my parents have been married for so long as a reason to seek their input. Although my parents are pretty messed up, I know that they have been married for 47 years and have been through hell and back. I know that they are not going to judge me or tell me to leave my husband. They have repeatedly told me that they will support whatever decision that I make.

I think the biggest fear people have when they get upset at you for confiding in others is that they will look bad. At one point, I shared with my husband, "No matter what I tell my parents, they are not going to think less of you. They have been married for a long time and they know that marriage is hard and stuff happens. They are a great source of information to help me keep my head about me when I feel like I am losing it."

Excerpt
I also really want to tell her that I am just not going to divulge more about what I've apoken to my family about, but then she'll just accuse me of more deception and lies.  Ugh.  I just don't feel like I can ever win.

She does not need to know what you have talked to your parents about. You have a right to privacy. You can validate her fears if she communicates them to you but do NOT put yourself in a position where you are justifying or explaining what you are or not talking to your parents about when you talk to them. It is none of her business. I know that sounds mean but we have a right to have relationships with our families and friends that are independent of our partners.

I used to tell my husband everything all the time. Now, I try not to divulge as much information because I realize that telling him to much information would lead to situations where I was JADEing and it was making us more and more enmeshed. I didn't feel like an individual in my own right. I felt like an extension of him. I am working on changing that. I am trying to detach and not be so bothered by the things that my spouse says. If he demands to know something and I am not comfortable sharing, then I am working on setting boundaries. It isn't easy that is for sure.
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jedimaster
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« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2014, 03:36:53 PM »

We have always kept our "dirty laundry" private, until things just got out of hand this year and I realized I was dealing with uBPD.  Also when she started making comments and veiled threats about "talking to her friends about what I was really like", I decided the time had come to get some outside counsel and build a support team.  My parents have been married for 55 years.  They love my w and hate to see what is happening to her.  They have been a great counsel and support, and have offered a place to stay and resources if it comes to a divorce or if I just need to get out of the house.  I have also opened up to a few close friends whom I can trust to be discreet.

ALL of them, every one, have seen for years that my wife has had some kind of issues.  They just didn't know what or to what extent.  To a person, they are all sympathetic and supportive.

My advice-- tell anyone you think you need to and you think can keep it confidential.  Don't let yourself be isolated.  Build yourself a support team for your own peace of mind.  Even if they never do anything but listen, the feeling that you are not in this alone is priceless.

Also, do not tell your wife any details.  "Anything you say can and will be used against you." 
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« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2014, 04:29:35 PM »

We have always kept our "dirty laundry" private, until things just got out of hand this year and I realized I was dealing with uBPD.  Also when she started making comments and veiled threats about "talking to her friends about what I was really like", I decided the time had come to get some outside counsel and build a support team.  My parents have been married for 55 years.  They love my w and hate to see what is happening to her.  They have been a great counsel and support, and have offered a place to stay and resources if it comes to a divorce or if I just need to get out of the house.  I have also opened up to a few close friends whom I can trust to be discreet.

ALL of them, every one, have seen for years that my wife has had some kind of issues.  They just didn't know what or to what extent.  To a person, they are all sympathetic and supportive.

My advice-- tell anyone you think you need to and you think can keep it confidential.  Don't let yourself be isolated.  Build yourself a support team for your own peace of mind.  Even if they never do anything but listen, the feeling that you are not in this alone is priceless.

Also, do not tell your wife any details.  "Anything you say can and will be used against you." 

Yeah, my situation was pretty similar in that I never aired out "dirty laundry" until I realized that what I was actually experiencing was verbal abuse.  I was able to maintain privacy re: my discussions with my parents, until I told my best friend that my parents thought I should get a divorce.  He then proceeds to tell this to his wife, who then tells my uBPDw, and now it's a god awful mess.  Some friend.

My uBPDw is relentless about trying to ferret out details of my conversations with my parents and, unfortunately, I am horrible with setting boundaries, so I've ended up telling my uBPDw too much.  Plus, while I don't have a problem not telling my uBPDw that I've been speaking to my parents about things, I really do not like to lie about it when directly asked.  Thus, when she asks if I've ever discussed divorce with my parents, I tend to be honest with her, but still pretty vague.  This just whets her appetite for more information and feeds into her sense of being betrayed and that I am a liar.  It never stops.  She is absolutely relentless and brings this stuff up last thing at night and first thing in the morning.  Makes me wish I were dead.

I guess I just need to tell her that my private conversation with my parents are private, but she says she needs to know "the truth" to be able to move on.
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« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2014, 05:26:10 PM »

I've faced this situation.  Yes, I sometimes feel guilty for talking about personal stuff to friends and family.  And yes she has gotten upset that I have talked about her to other people.  She even seems agitated that I have talked about her to my IC and in my 12-step meetings.  So what do I do?  I don't tell her.  My business is my business.  When she asks, I will reply something like "I only mention you if it is pertinent to what I am trying to work on about myself."  Most of the time, she doesn't ask. 

But here is the reality:  Family knows because I have been at family functions and started crying or feeling really down when she calls or texts a bunch of abuse over my phone.  Work knows because I was in the middle of a meeting when I found out she was being hospitalized inpatient.  I had to let my boss know.  My friends know because I had to ask around for a sofa to sleep on when she was being physically abusive. 

My advice to you - don't isolate yourself, and use your best judgment.  You know the difference between getting help and support for yourself and slander and gossip.  And please don't deny help for yourself.  If things get worse, you will be glad you confided in people. 
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terranova79
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« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2014, 06:00:57 PM »

You know the difference between getting help and support for yourself and slander and gossip.  

I think you hit the nail on the head.  I've always tried to be completely honest and accurate in describing my situation to my parents.  If anything, I often go out of my way to balance the negative by saying good things about my uBPDw.  But I don't think she can differentiate between getting support and slander/stabbing her in the back. 
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« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2014, 07:14:27 PM »

If anything, I often go out of my way to balance the negative by saying good things about my uBPDw. 

I do the same, which in reality isn't hard because she has some wonderful qualities.  In spite of it all we have three terrific, pretty well-adjusted children, and she honestly deserves the majority of the credit.  How she was able to be such a good mother with BPD is a miracle.  And when we met I was quite nerdy and introverted and she did a lot to bring me out of my shell.  But I can't stand by any longer and let those good qualities excuse the way I have been treated all these years and the other things she has done and continues to do.

I consider my confiding in others as building my support team.  When considering whether to discuss our marriage with someone, I look at it from that standpoint: "Is this someone I need/want on my 'team'? Can I trust them? Will they be there for me if I need them?"  If I can answer "yes," then I take them into my confidence.

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« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2014, 08:10:21 PM »

I've been in your shoes, just this last month.

Recap: My wife hasn't been abusive to me in quite a while, but still has issues. In October, she cheated on me. We hadn't resolved that, and in addition, she had already told me that she didn't think she could come back to me. (We were already physically separated for mostly logistical reasons)

I kinda had to tell my parents to protect my own interests (long story), and also because I was feeling like pretending this wasn't happening made my r/s with them less sincere and real.

So I told my parents that my wife and I were likely splitting up, and that she had cheated on me.

Yes, my wife was devastated over this. She had a very good relationship with my parents.


So... .how do I feel about the disclosure?

I feel that I have every right to tell MY TRUTH. I have every right to share MY REALITY with people important to me. I use discretion in how I exercise that right, but it is MINE.

My wife gave up any right to keep this information from my parents when she cheated on me, and when she told me that she didn't think she could come back to me.

Her ACTIONS became part of my reality, and at that point the decision about whether to share became mine, and she lost any and all rights to control the information.

I have no regrets about disclosing. My wife isn't happy. Tough cookies. I wasn't happy when she cheated on me. In addition, I don't believe I violated any trust by disclosing my own experiences.

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« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2014, 11:37:03 PM »

I agree with everyone here. My parents were a huge support during my 10 year abusive marriage which I ended but still have depression. I was wary of telling them my fiance is most likely BPD but I know they can tell my depression symptoms are creeping back. I have confided in my brother and best friend who want to support me and uBPDh. He always questions me saying... .you haven't said anything to them have you as he is ashamed of his verbal abuse. I just can't tell him I have as the fallout will be terrible. He is seeking help but I m not ready to tell him. My brother and friend are fantastic towards him and have seen his other side. They have also offered to help me in any way as they know how bad my previous marriage was. We need this support and should nevr feel guilty for having it.
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« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2014, 02:42:33 AM »

Maroon Liquid... .

Excerpt
One thing I believe this illness loves (especially in high functioning BPD's) is being "hidden".  That way, when and if they paint you completely black, they can hide and convince the people they know of their truth.

Wow... .I will write this in CAPS for emphasis... .

THAT IS A STUNNING THOUGHT.

I too have learned that I had been painted black and derided to ... .her BPD MOM.

I am beyond upset - and stunned - by that fact.

What I have overheard... .is NOT even true. IN fact... .the stories given are to cover up HER behaviors.

(example)

If she did did not do something that she should have... .I AM BLAMED AS THE REASON... .when I did not even KNOW of that thing she needed to do.

I am outright APPALLED that she is discussing OUR marriage... .with ehr Mom. I am ALSO stunned and chagrined that she would go to her EXTREMELY disordered mother... .to commiserate and ask for validation or advice.


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« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2014, 03:04:58 AM »

Well - I guess this is going to offer a contrary story.

SO- my BPDw I have discovered has gone to her FOO and most expecially her BPD MOTHER to paint me black, blame, and in depth discuss ME. And seeks validation and a accomplice to find fault with me. To assure the BOTH of them that this chaos is because of ME.

SO - yes - I feel EXTREME betrayal.

And - for all of Non's who are dealing with this horrible disorder - try and imagein if your spouses MOTHER suffers actively from the same BPD... .AND ... .your spouse regresses to her like a child.

It is a really closed family system - whereby EVERYONE else is wrong... .they are always right... .and there is NO... .none... .nada ... .introspection.

As such ... .ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that happens in ANY of the adult kids marriages is ALWAYS the fault of the son or daughter in law.

SO - the fact that she is confiding to her parents and in a way discussing me as though I am a stranger ... .a thing... .to be fixed... .

IS really an indescribable thing.

AND - the complete and total insanity that she has brought to me and our family for years now... .is almost indescribable. There was really NOTHING I did that prompted this last round of chaos - which makes me think that in some ways she may have realized that I was truly coming toe the conclusion that she was not well... .and as such... .went on an aggressive path to inoculate herself by painting me black to her family.

The tough thing now... .is how to EVER forgive this breach of trust - and even more so  - this willingness to make me... .look bad... .to her family.

It feels like a permanent hurt that will never go away.

AND that is from a man - who never holds onto things... .never holds resentment.

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« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2014, 07:54:43 AM »

I confided in a work colleague (now ex colleague) and the uBPDgf found out by monitoring my phone messages and emails.  I don't feel guilty at all because without it I'd have had a nervous breakdown and very nearly still did.  I don't communicate very openly with my parents so couldn't speak to them.

Unfortunately, partially due to my phone being snooped and partially down to her disbelief at how bad things can be and me not leaving as a result, I've largely lost contact with her which is a shame.

I've got no idea what gf says about me to other people and to be honest I don't really care.  I know she accuses me of trying to turn people against her in my 'little team' but I don't want people to dislike her.  I just want people to understand what i'm going through and how this leads me to behave in certain ways etc. 
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2014, 10:06:36 AM »

I've got somewhere around five people I've confided very closely with in the last couple months. All but one are mutual friends with my wife. Most of them knew her longer than they've know me. One of them and I actually talk light-heartedly about her being on "Team Grey Kitty"

I've spoken to all of them clearly about my anger and my hurt. I have spoken of my wife with some compassion as well. I haven't 'painted her black.' That's not my style or my need.

My wife was very depressed when I talked to her last night. She lamented that she hasn't talked to those friends. Said something about how they all hate her or some such.

That's her fear. It doesn't match reality.

I picked these people to confide in because the are emotionally mature people. I needed support, and the kind I needed wasn't for them to pile onto my wife and b___ about how awful she was. They didn't do that in my conversations. Several of them said that the loved my wife. Nearly all of them said that they couldn't get behind her actions in this, and (I think) most of them had said as much to her.

One admitted that he was really mad at my wife, and wasn't going to talk to her while he felt that way because he knew he wouldn't be able to speak to her skillfully and in accordance with his own values while he felt that way.

None of them were close to the other guy before, and some of them did express poor opinions of him. (Same with me--I don't know him well, but now view him as toxic and to be kept at a distance for my own safety!)

I know my wife has spoken with some people too. I don't think she's painted me black--I haven't gotten that sort of awkward look from anybody yet. I am grateful that she has that level of emotional maturity. 


When you need to share this kind of stuff, choose the people carefully. I am blessed to have so many friends who have enough emotional maturity to be very good choices. And I give myself a pat on the back for making good choices. My parents are very much in the second tier, and that was a good choice too--they have been up to the job. I still don't think they have the emotional availability for the first tier.
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terranova79
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« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2014, 05:56:25 PM »

Argh... .I just wanted to post an update to say that since I told my uBPDw a few days ago that I had confided in my parents about the state of our relationship, she has been relentless in trying to figure out every detail of what I've told them and she now talks about how my parents "stabbed her in the back" and accuses me of conspiring with them to destroy the marriage.  She paints me as a villain for confiding in them rather than her, even though my efforts to tell her that I was upset about things didn't accomplish anything.  She is making me feel incredibly guilty and defensive.

It is truly amazing how toxic BPDs can be.  My uBPDw is relentless, knows how to manipulate me more than anyone else I've ever known, and is completely incapable of not escalating our problems.  Rather than work on our issues, she has somehow made my confusing in my parents the supposedly overarching problem we have.

How on earth are BPDs so effective at driving their toxic agenda?  I'm astounded.
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« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2014, 09:02:26 PM »

It is truly amazing how toxic BPDs can be.  My uBPDw is relentless, knows how to manipulate me more than anyone else I've ever known, and is completely incapable of not escalating our problems.  Rather than work on our issues, she has somehow made my confusing in my parents the supposedly overarching problem we have.

Yes, they are incredibly good at it.

And we participate in letting them do it. Nobody can 'make' you feel guilt or anything.

She cannot face her internal demons. So she project stuff onto you and attacks you for it.

Then she cannot face how horribly she treated you. So she blames you for telling your parents.

The answer is to not pick up the crap she tries to pile onto you. Best done by holding firm to a boundary of not discussing the same old crap again and again and again.

I'd tell her your truth once: "I shared my experience with my parents. It was what I lived through, and my right to share it with them."

Followed by "I'm done discussing this with you." And leaving the room if she won't let it go or launches into verbal abuse.

Having some compassion for her feelings is good. Being an emotional punching bag for her isn't.

Should you feel guilty? They are your feelings; acknowledge you have them, and try to sit with them.

Should you apologize, back down, or agree to stop talking to your parents because of the guilt? I don't recommend it.
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terranova79
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« Reply #18 on: December 15, 2014, 10:46:42 AM »

So, I told my uBPDw about a week ago that I had confided in my parents about our relationship at various times this year and she STILL tells me MULTIPLE times a day that I "betrayed" her and "stabbed her in the back" by doing this.  I just don't get it.  I never told my parents anything that wasn't true, and the thing that first prompted me to confide in them was when she yelled at me that I was "certifiably nuts," had a "diagnosable mental condition," and shouldn't be around our two year old son when I mentioned I thought he should be at least evaluated for speech therapy.  Who wouldn't confide in their parents when their wife explodes at them like this and continues to berate them on the same topic for weeks on end?

Since she is so convinced that I "betrayed" her by confiding in my parents, I tried to explain to her that I didn't do it out of malice, but only because the things she had said were so hurtful and I needed to confide in someone. I thought this might help her make sense of things, but it didn't.  She is now on a quest to purge every sign of my parents from our lives.  She has taken MY photos of me and my parents, hidden toys they gave our kids, and has told me she doesn't want to see any Christmas toys they give our kids this year.

How am I supposed to have a relationship with someone like this?     
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« Reply #19 on: December 15, 2014, 01:47:18 PM »

  You aren't supposed to take that kind of abuse.

I completely believe you have a right to share your experience with your parents. You obviously agree.

Don't try to convince your wife of this. She's feeling hurt and betrayed, and any explanation of why this was justified will just make her feel worse. (JADEing is always invalidating)

Stop arguing with her about it. She's trying to bait you, and it is working.

It won't solve the problem, but it will stop it from getting worse all the time.
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