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Author Topic: After the understanding, validation and acceptance, what's left?  (Read 366 times)
howcanI?

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 29



« on: December 11, 2014, 09:25:02 AM »

Completely lost it in my therapist's office yesterday.  Sobbed and snotted all over the place.  Didn't realize I had that much sadness/grief left in me!  Question I posed to her: if the changes (for the worse) that have occurred over the last two years have irreparably destroyed the cost-benefit formula that kept me "in love" for 30 years, what's left?  We have been working on my detachment, refusing to rescue him from emotional discomfort, etc., etc., with the hope that some incremental change will result.  Which would inevitably default back to full-blown infantality at some point, forcing me to start at zero, -- and I ask, "why bother?", and the grief comes pouring in/out.  Somebody PLEASE give me a reason to go on, other than pity and guilt!
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

blueeyes567

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 48


« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2014, 09:59:53 AM »

I stay with my wife because of me. Yes things she does and the way she looks attract me to her but I think why do I love her? I loved her for me and because I just do. A few years ago I watched a movie called fireproof and then I bought the book, the love dare book, that helped me gind myself as well as why as the reasons I love my wife. It can be found on eBay for a few dollars. It will help you either find the love inside you or help you detach but either way, you will realize your love.
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howcanI?

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 29



« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2014, 10:10:05 AM »

Thanks for your response, Blueyes.  I guess it sort of defies logical explanation sometimes!
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Cat Familiar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2014, 10:21:51 AM »

HowcanI? I hope you have have had an opportunity to read the lessons to the right of the page. I too felt hopeless about my relationship and recently discovered this site and began individual therapy.

What I'm learning is that there are many tools I can use to change the way my husband and I relate. I'm not too good at validating his (what I consider "bizarre" emotional reactions to things like the news, weather, etc.) but I'm catching myself (usually) before I JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) and we are getting along much better.

I've gone through a period of grief, realizing that our relationship may never be what I had hoped it would be (after 10 years). What has helped me find compassion for him is the realization (and confirmation from my therapist, who was previously our marriage counselor) that he is mentally ill. I had suspected that, but until I learned more about BPD, I didn't realize how well he is described by that disorder--at least meeting 6 out of the 9 criteria.

Take care of yourself, keep posting here, try new strategies with him and know that things change. You don't have to make any big decisions now. Sit with your grief and understand what your emotions are telling you. I suspect that you've had to stuff your emotions for quite a while. Now is your time to understand what is important to you.   
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2014, 10:39:08 AM »

Well, I'm not sure how helpful I will be because I feel a little in the same place now.  All logic is telling me right now that this is more trouble than it is worth, and that I feel like I am losing myself.  But what keeps me going forward - I love her - and that feeling defies logic and explanation.  It's hard sometimes to separate the woman I love from the disease I hate, but she definitely has some unique and tender qualities that are a good match for me.  Also, the changes I am making and the lessons I am learning about life as a result of this r/s will help me later, whether this r/s ultimately succeeds or fails, and whether it succeeds or fails it beyond my control. 
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howcanI?

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 29



« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2014, 11:06:31 AM »

Cat, Max, etc.:  You guys are awesome!  Talk about feeling validated!  Many thanks for allowing me to feel heard, understood, and NOT judged.  May I only be as helpful to someone else here some day... .xoxox
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