BPDw + midlife + Finding herself + anger + painting all black = WHAT?

[nightmoves]

So - have struggled since learning of BPD (which unlocked years of riddles and chaos)  to try desperately to make this all work.

Value marriage greatly. Value my family enormously.

I have literally been dealing and witnessing completely horrible, unpredictable, extreme behaviors from my W.

Through it all - I have hung in there... .been supportive... .and tried to make this work.

We have three kids. Love them so so much.

Desperate want them to keep our family together.

So - now - it seems she is on a TEAR to find herself. (midlife, peri menopause, etc... etc)

The thing is... .she is HIGHLY erratic. One day... .I am someone who she seems to HATE. Tells me she hates me even being in the same room.

The next day - she is ruminating that we should travel more and DO things together. (huh?)

She is now seeing an IC. We are seeign a MC... .however it is clear that she is doing that to help "get the marriage/and ME" where she "wants it to be FOR her".

I feel not even valued at this point.

It is ALL about her.

The MAJORITY of her issues... .have NOTHING to do with me.

BUT - as all non's know - SHE conjurs up the mental belief I am the cause or to blame.

So... .I am left ... .not knowing WHAT to do.

Cannot stand... .nor believe... .that I haev so little value here.

Spent a lifetime... .being a good man, good husband, good father... .

and here I am.

Her rages... .anger... .irrationality... .hate... .have been horrible.

SO MANY have tried to remind me that she is truly ill.

But right now... .I just feel SO left behind.

AND am SO agnry inside of about how little respect, caring, compassion she has for me... .and how seemingly little concern she has for the marriage.

If asked... .she will say ... .she is committed... etc... etc...

BUT her predominant stance is... .SHE is going to get what SHE wants... .adn the marriage will wind up... .WHAT SHE wants it to be.

AND IF NOT... .it will then be over.

Any thought out there. Please?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Stalwart]

Hey Nightmoves:

Hope this finds you in a bit better place than you were when you posted.

I don't comment much on here Night but I read what you're saying and I so see myself in your place close to five years ago when my wife (BPD Diagnosed) also approached 50. In our case at that time I didn't know her diagnoses, neither did she and I allowed our entire lives to spiral into a nightmare as a result.

I think we all have the feelings you have Night not being supported by our spouses when we consider we have given so much into it. We have put a lot into it and continue to on a daily constant basis. It's demanding and difficult and for the most can be so unrewarding to our own hearts. It's tough but that's the reality of living with and supporting BPD.

Had I the chance to redo those days four years ago with my new knowledge I would have changed so much but the thing I would have done was LISTEN better. The truth is, regardless of how difficult it is to hear that you and I do have the ability to cope for the most part with the progression of our lives, relationships, inter relationships and to consider our actions on others when we take the TIME and consideration to determine how our actions will affect others. We're fortunate we were born with and developed the abilities to do those things. Seems like a small natural ability but in the case of you wife it isn't.

She doesn't have the reality and abilities that you do. Choosing to stay in a relationship with a BPD really means that's something that has to be accepted for what it is, an inability and not a choice she makes.

It's difficult enough for 'normal' people to approach an age milestone like fifty and even without the affects and problems of BPD it's really challenging for some people. BPD must make those fears so much more REAL and frightening in their minds. It must make the situation and concepts so much more demanding and desperate.

I know in the case of my wife I can honestly say at that time I didn't understand the depth of her fears of turning that age, aging, questioning her desirability and trying to determine the outcome of her own future. I should have but I can honestly say that I didn't recognize how desperate and REAL her needs were. That was a huge mistake for both of us and it led to so many real terrible consequences as a result.

Best thing my friend is go back to the basics. Get back every bit of empathy you have for wife struggling with her thoughts, her illness, her fears, her insecurities and even though you may feel she doesn't care I think she probably does and wants your support to help her with all those things. Bottom line is she does NEED to find solutions, validation and support to help her find her way through that and if you chose to understand that and be there one hundred percent for her you've done the best you can to help her, yourself and your relationship.

It is all about her in those fears but it so affects both of you. In my wife's case she desperately needed someone to help her through those times and sought that through the solace of someone at her workplace. She made a really bad choice in who that was and after some time that blew up and almost destroyed her completely and me in the process.

You have the choice my friend to be there for her, even through the hurt. To ensure you build her trust and that she knows how much you LOVE her, WANT her, find her desirable and know that you made the right choice in her being your partner now and want nothing more than her in your life. The trick to doing that well is meaning it Nightmoves, understanding her depth and levels of fears that don't allow her to focus on others and understand that she doesn't want to feel that way. You above anyone has the ability to support her through this and that's not just for her sake. It's for your sake and your families sake.

Trust, assurances and proving what you're saying is everything my friend. It takes time, takes commitment and takes your total involvement. I don't know what the reasons are that keep you in the relationship but there has to be want of her and showing her that that's most important to her and can benefit your relationship together the most.

Fearing and questioning aging and viability is a difficult path that so many woman (and men) have to walk down and find their way through my friend. It would appear she's on that path and frightened, who better to take her hand and help her down that path to find a better place at the end than you?

Of course you know your situation far better than I do and I can only speak from my own past experiences and mistakes. I chose at the outcome of worst scenarios from not having paid attention to her needs when I needed to a together we were able (after her diagnosis) to change our lives around and today our relationship doesn't even remotely reflect the problems of our past. It's not easy but it's possible to do Nightmoves. I hope you can find renewed want and ability to go forward and support yourself and her and in doing so the sanctity of your family Nightmoves. I'm sure after everything you've been through you deserve that but it just can't happen without you doing that. You're the strong and mentally competent one who has those abilities.

I hope you continue to find the ways to improve your relationship because I know it's possible to do and live in it every day just like you have although I was fortunate enough to be able to break through with her, change my self and in doing so changed the entire dynamics of our lives together. No it's still not perfect but it's so much better that I no longer regret any decision of staying with her, supporting her and doing the work to make our relationship better.

Nothing's easy my friend, simple, quick or FAIR about the challenges of BPD relationships but it is so possible to change them for the better and I hope you can find that for yourself and her.

[nightmoves]

Dear Stalwart.

Stunning. Profound. Post.

I almost do not have words to express how much I appreciate.

[Grey Kitty]

Stalwart was very clear about compassion for your wife and caring about how she feels.

In order to get there, you need one other thing, and that is paradoxically to NOT believe most of what she says. You say this, and it is true:

It is ALL about her.

The MAJORITY of her issues... .have NOTHING to do with me.

BUT - as all non's know - SHE conjurs up the mental belief I am the cause or to blame.

Intellectually, you may believe it.

You write this:

Cannot stand... .nor believe... .that I haev so little value here.

Spent a lifetime... .being a good man, good husband, good father... .

and here I am.

Her rages... .anger... .irrationality... .hate... .have been horrible.

Deep in your heart, you are believing the things she says about you. Or at least you are fighting with yourself whether to believe it or not.

Hearing her say these hateful things really do hurt you. You tell yourself you won't believe it, you won't let it influence you. It just doesn't work that way. When you hear those things, you feel hurt by her. When you feel hurt by her, you cannot find the compassion to listen to her.

You absolutely need to protect yourself from believing those things. The best thing you can do for that is to be absolutely firm on that boundary. Don't stay and listen to it. I repeat. Do NOT stick around and listen to that sort of stuff.

[nightmoves]

You are so ... .very ... .accurate Grey.

I am REALLY not sure why I cannot

A) completely accept and thus operate from the reality that she is ill

B) Accept her statements and derogatory blame is accurate or has merit

Why is that so very hard to do?

[Grey Kitty]

It is veryhard to do.

I cannot give you YOUR answer, but I can point you in the right direction. Remember what you said about her earlier "It is ALL about her... .nothing to do with ME"

That question of why do YOU believe it, or why did you believe it in the past... .

That IS about you.

The best way I know to find those answers is to spend time sitting with your own feelings, as they come up. Many of them are uncomfortable feelings. Anger. Guilt. Hurt. It isn't easy to sit with them.

Many of us tend to stuff those feelings as a way to avoid them.

The other way to avoid them is to get wrapped up and lost reacting to them, instead of feeling them.

You may do both at different times.

Instead, try to sit with your feelings. Try to find a little curiosity about exactly what those feelings are, try to be interested in exactly what this unpleasant experience of feeling angry is like.

It is not easy. When you 'succeed', you will probably find that you can only manage it for a little while. That is normal and completely OK. Next time you notice these feelings, try it again; you may manage it a little longer.

[nightmoves]

Thank you Grey .

I amy have confused. When I referred to

"It is ALL about her... .nothing to do with ME"

What I meant was ... .the agnsts she had reverberating in her emptions and her head... .were from things wrestling with that were about (or better said ) WITHIN her.

NOT necessarily from the environment - or ME.

Her resulting RAGE, BLAME, ASSAULT ... .was targeted at me.

In response to your statement - you are right... .I HAVE to be kinder to ME. I have to realize that all this has brought forward emotions and pain and hurt in ME.

Thank you

[Grey Kitty]

Sorry I wasn't clear.

What I was trying to say is that this cuts both ways.

Her feelings are about herself. Nothing to do with you. Her normal tool to cope is to blame you and take it out on you. What she does here is indeed all about her, exactly as you said.

Here's the other side of that same coin.

If YOU are triggered. If YOU take something she does personally. If YOU believe it when she blames you for how she's feeling.

Those are your feelings. They are about you, not about her!

And since they are your feelings... .you need to take good care of yourself when you have them.

Do you follow me now?