How to know when he means it?

[Mie]

It's really confusing (once again).

I guess many of you have been there: the BPD SO changing mind and attitude in one conversation or even same sentence. He can have one opinion in the spring and totally different in the autum. One standpoint when with other people, totally different with me.

Now it's about our relationship. He has come to a conclusion, already 'years ago', that we are not compatible. He saw it right in the beginning (10 years ago) but thought he will give it a try. And He has tried so hard. Now it's over. He will always love me and we will always be friends, but relationship is over.

He's been talking like this now a couple of months. And he has been more explosive, paranoid, moody etc too, more than usually.

My reply to him is: If that is your choice, you are an adult person,  I cannot do anything about it. But in that case I don't want to live in the same house with you, I want clear-cut. Either I move out or you do.

Then he says he will move out, but 'step by step', we have to make business working first to generate income so that he has money and can leave. 

And why is it confusing right now? Because we have finally made something successful (the cafe) which, after difficulties at start, will give us income - which has been our mutual goal from the start. One day he wants to sell the business right away because he hates it, and just now he wants to 'keep the milking cow and sell the milk' but get rid of me (who is taking care of the cow  )

I play this imaginary game: there's me and him and other people, places, dreams, hopes, ideas, deeds and words and emotions etc. I take out the LOVE and what happens to the RELATIONSHIP: what is left is ugly and does not make sense.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

My wife is the same way.  They live completely off of emotion and that is what drives them.  How they are feeling in that moment is "truth" to them.  The "step-by-step" comment is typical of pwBPD.  They can't make a clean break out of fear.  It's a dangling carrot... .

[Grey Kitty]

It's really confusing (once again).

... .

Now it's about our relationship. He has come to a conclusion, already 'years ago', that we are not compatible. He saw it right in the beginning (10 years ago) but thought he will give it a try. And He has tried so hard. Now it's over. He will always love me and we will always be friends, but relationship is over.

Much of the confusion comes from listening to what they say, and believing it as if they were a normal person.

If his words and his actions don't match... .listen to the actions. Trying to understand his words can twist your brain until something pops. If you try to make the the words fit the actions at the same time, it is waaaaaay worse.

His words: "you and he aren't compatible... ."

His actions: He is still there. Hasn't moved out. Hasn't filed for divorce. Hasn't quit the cafe.

Sometimes the best way to make sense of his words is to apply the "Peanuts TV special teacher voice filter" to them 

[Mie]

If his words and his actions don't match... .listen to the actions. Trying to understand his words can twist your brain until something pops. If you try to make the the words fit the actions at the same time, it is waaaaaay worse.

Thanks for this! I'm a big fan of actions any way   but tend to forget.

[ydrys017]

My uBPDw makes divorce comments quite frequently, in a variety of ways.  I've learned to prioritize actions over words, and if I choose to respond to one of her comments it is something like; "... .I do not want a divorce, that is your option, your decision, and you will need to deal with the consequences... ."  So far, no action on that front, but it still makes you feel like... .   

[maxsterling]

I think the important thing here is for you to not react emotionally or irrationally.  I faced similar a few months ago when I listened to her slowly dysregulate, with me getting more and more anxious and agitated as I frantically tried to validate my way out of it.  It got worse and worse until she finally yelled, "It's over!"  Hurt, I reacted by immediately telling her that if "it's over" she needs to go find another place to stay that night.  Then came the "I'm going to kill myself" comments.  My mistakes?  I stayed in the conversation too long, felt too hurt, and reacted too quickly based upon her statements, not upon what I actually wanted. 

It's perfectly reasonable to question your commitment at this point.  It's very difficult to keep trying with someone who constantly claims the relationship is doomed.  As to your original question as to how do you know when he means it - I think part of the illness is that *he* doesn't even know if he means it! He only knows what he feels.  Make your decisions going forward based upon what you want, and don't base them on what you think he wants to do, because what he wants to do is an impossible target

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks for this! I'm a big fan of actions any way   but tend to forget.

Actions MATTER!

Words matter too.

This is really important when actions and words don't seem to match up very well.

Do pay attention to the words though. You aren't being fair to yourself when you try to convince yourself that you didn't feel hurt by them.

"Sticks and stones can break my bones... .but words can make me think I deserve it."

[flowerpath]

Much of the confusion comes from listening to what they say, and believing it as if they were a normal person.

Learning this can be a real turning point.  Keeping it in your mind is to do yourself a favor. 

After there’s a comment that sets off my radar, just stopping and thinking and comparing it to the whole picture of the pwBPD – seeing how the words reflect a certain characteristic of BPD - really helps prevent me from being thrown off balance.  It doesn’t keep the words from being annoying, but there’s a real advantage in being able to hear the words and put them in their place without being confused. 

I think the important thing here is for you to not react emotionally or irrationally. 

It takes a whole lot of self-control.  There needs to be some kind of Band-Aid that sticks to your tongue. 

[waverider]

My partner used to get very toxic in her attitudes. This is not the case now, some of this I think is due to these flip abouts happening on an hourly basis (sometimes even less), they dont get the chance to build to toxic levels. It does mean she can't hold a plan of action for much longer than it takes to declare it. This results in her being pretty non functioning. It is frustrating and inconvenient to me but it is not projected at me, it is all pretty much internal now.