Extended family issues

[Parents! Get help here!]

Anyone have problems with extended family members

meddling? We have an "Auntie" who took it opon herself to lecture my BP D on her lack of appreciation and respect. This was after I tried to explain to her what BPD does to a person's perceptions and how sensitive it makes them. When I asked her why she did that and asked her to back off, she was very offended and wants to write us off.

Then my stepson wanted my husband to tell him ahead of time when my daughter would be some place because he is "uncomfortable" encountering her spontaneously.

She had just gotten in the mental health system, accepted her diagnosis and started on meds.

No one seems to want to give her any room to heal except my husband and I.

Any advise on dealing with judgmental family that aren't going away?

I'm sad about my S-son, lead me to believe he would "be there" for her and was just concerned that I had been hurt by her behavior. Now he seems to be throwing her under the bus to please his wife. (Another post)

My younger S-D won't talk to her or even be in the same room with her.

She said some mean thing to them

[Nana-mom]

Anyone have problems with extended family members

meddling? We have an "Auntie" who took it opon herself to lecture my BP D on her lack of appreciation and respect. This was after I tried to explain to her what BPD does to a person's perceptions and how sensitive it makes them. When I asked her why she did that and asked her to back off, she was very offended and wants to write us off.

Then my stepson wanted my husband to tell him ahead of time when my daughter would be some place because he is "uncomfortable" encountering her spontaneously.

She had just gotten in the mental health system, accepted her diagnosis and started on meds.

No one seems to want to give her any room to heal except my husband and I.

Any advise on dealing with judgmental family that aren't going away?

I'm sad about my S-son, lead me to believe he would "be there" for her and was just concerned that I had been hurt by her behavior. Now he seems to be throwing her under the bus to please his wife. (Another post)

My younger S-D won't talk to her or even be in the same room with her.

She said some mean thing to them

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TryingToBeHappy]

I can understand from both sides, sometimes it's difficult for people to know the difference between BPD and unacceptable bratty behavior.

It all depends on how severe the behavior has been over the years... .Some people just don't want to be around it, it effects them in a negative way too (especially if they've had to endure it for a length of time).

Unfortunately, it's one of the negative side effects that a lot of BPD experience (people avoiding them).

If you feel the extended family are not helping with her healing, maybe it's best she isn't around them often. Or maybe you could talk at length with them how you all need to approach her in a different way, in order for her to make any progress.

What your step son is feeling is common, I too feel uncomfortable around my BPD daughter, especially in public places, or some kind of gathering of friends. I get embarrassed by what comes out of her mouth, she can become very inappropriate and come across as someone who's not a very nice person. It sometimes appears that she's trying to get all the attention by saying things for shock value, or acting disrespectful towards people.

It's very difficult, it certainly does effect family dynamics.

Sounds like your daughter is on the right path, getting the help she needs, and parents who understand.

I wish you luck with her, keep us clued in on any progress :-)

[lever.]

I don't know what ages your daughter and step-son are but young people can be very easily embarrassed by a sibling with BPD and their friends are sometimes not very understanding so I can kind of understand that your step-son may like to have advance warning if your daughter is going to be somewhere-I don't think that necessarily means that he is throwing her under the bus or doesn't want to support her.

It may help to have a chat with well-meaning relatives like the Aunt if you think they can influenced towards a more understanding approach.

Certainly it does affect family dynamics when someone suffers from BPD and we can't control other people's responses.

It is great that your daughter is accepting help-part of that help will be improving her communication style and helping her to cope when people react to her in a less than ideal way.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Nana-mom, 

Welcome among us! It is wonderful that your daughter at least has you and your husband as support... .Hopefully her step-siblings are going to come around with time and education on the disorder.

Is your step-son still willing to be around your daughter albeit with forewarning?

As far as the "Auntie" - for now, if she isn't being helpful, maybe it's better that she wants to keep her distance, what do you think - would she be open to actually hear what you have to say, or is she set in her opinion?

[Nana-mom]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies, I hope for the best but I think they are looking for a way to remove her from their lives.  They've never really experienced anything disruptive or hurtful in someone they couldn't walk away from, so things are kind of black and white for them. My BP-D's problems worsened as a young adult and either and they or she were not together during the worst of it. They don't understand and don't really want to to. People are good, or bad, not a lot of room for mistakes or mental health issues there. :'(

Oddly, their dad, who is a great person and has been my rock through this is BP. But they were too young to remember his "episodes." He got on meds and got his life on track when they were little, but HE understands.

Sometimes I just want to tell them that stuff like this runs in families and their dad isn't the only one in the family history with mood or mental health issues, and that one day it's going to hit someone they CAN'T walk away from.

In the meantime, it's getting harder for me to act like my daughter doesn't exist when I'm around them, since no one ever asks about her and is clearly uncomfortable if I even speak her name. Elephant in the room so to speak.

My D isn't ready to make any kind of "amends" and having BPD she couldn't if she had any fear they would hold her at arms length, avoid her or castigate her for the irrational stuff she said during her break. She would have to act as if nothing had happened, and so would they.

They aren't willing to do that even though it was really me and my H who were hurt, it never really affected they're lives one way or another.

She's 5 years older than one and 10 years older than the other. The only time they ever saw each other was during family functions anyway. Now I'm afraid that the next time they will all be in one room together will be when one of us dies.

My H keeps telling me it will get better, and I know he hopes so, but he hates confrontation, she can't handle criticism and they don't want to deal with it.

Sorry, clearly I am not super optimistic at the moment.

It's also frustrating because my DIL is somewhat manipulative herself, had been on the wrong side of my Step-D, and reached out to my D for support, (before her break), she probably told her stuff she doesn't want shared, so she has an additional reason for keeping my D "out."

Yes on the positive, my D is working with Psychs is on Meds and I have hope for the 1st time she will get her life on track. It may be in spite of the other kids.

And yes I am grateful for my H too. 

It was this time last year that things got ugly so in a week or two I should be on the upswing, thanks everyone.   

[lever.]

Hello Nana-mom

It is this time last year that things got ugly here too and the season is bringing it all to mind again.

The nasty argument resulted in my DDwBPD's sister (my younger daughter) going completely no contact with her and I didn't see older daughter and grandchildren for about 5 months.

The girls are still not in contact and I have found the only thing I can do is nurture each relationship separately.

It is impossible to control other people's relationship with your daughter.

If you think about the serenity prayer it seems to be one of the things that you cannot change.

I do try to gently educate about BPD if my younger daughter discusses her sister but if I overdo it it feels like I am invalidating her.

Older daughter's behavior towards her sister has been very unpleasant and I am afraid younger daughter feels that her sister is quite capable of controlling it.

I hope sharing my experience helps.

My advice would be to value them as individuals and try to spend separate time with them.

I hope that you are able to have a peaceful Christmas.

[RockLady]

Hi,

I have had extended family issues and I finally had to break off relations with my father, stepmother, step siblings, and brother.  Sister-in-law felt she was an expert on mental health and would make hurtful comments to my BPD daughter that referred to her being the cause of being bullied, if daughter lived with sister-in-law she would straighten her out, poor parenting comments, etc.  Father and stepmother gave older daughter bd, graduation presents, etc and ignored BPD daughter.  When she was hospitalized, it was ignored and just not discussed.  It was horrendous and holidays would cause me such angst.  My husband and I decided to cut off all ties and things have been so much better for us and for my daughter.  She was very hurt when grandparents gave older daughter a car and ignored her birthday.  Even older daughter was very uncomfortable with the situation and wanted to cut off ties. 

It's hard enough to have a child with BPD but toxic family members make it so much harder.  I have since replaced family with friends that have been so caring and supportive. 

Rock Lady

[lever.]

I agree with Rocklady that if people like your Aunt lack understanding its best to severely limit or cut contact. With siblings and step-siblings its more difficult, especially with complex back stories and histories.

[Nana-mom]

Hi, and thanks again for your replies. Sorry it's been so long since I've been back. I'm sorry you are having similar family issues. But it's good to know I'm not alone. I guess that's what I was looking for. I know I really don't have any control. If I did, my bpD would be in a much better place.

Yeah the holidays are the worst, I'd like to opt out of them completely, but it's hard with children around. The kid's birthday's are tough too, both my bpD's child and my S-son's girl. But it is what it is.