On the brink of something good, but…

[Depression = 72% of members]

Why do I have this feeling that every time something GOOD or important is about to happen he starts acting as if he doesn’t want it to happen? At the moment when decisions have to be made he freezes totally and leaves everything to me or/and gets very bossy making decisions based on the emotion he has at that moment (impulsive!) and when it goes wrong he will blame me (forever).

We’ve lost house, businesses, cars, jobs, opportunities…and, of course, it’s all my fault or, in some cases, someone else’s fault.

Now we have had our new business 7 months only, and it looks really good. However, we have some problems to solve to be able to continue.  (The chain reaction of problems started from something he has done against the law…long story).  There is a solution, but we have to be very considerate, humble and realistic (everything he is not! ) in proceeding.

Does not help that we can’t discuss even  smallest issues without him going mad, so I make my suggestions and ideas come from somewhere else. For example, I asked our accountant would X be a good idea. She said: brilliant. So I told him that the accountant had said that X would be a good thing to do. What happens next: He tells me that he has been talking about X with the accountant and she says it’s a great idea… I feel very sneaky, but this is the only way.

He says often: 'Every time I do something good, it's taken away from me'.

I see it this way: every time he succeeds, he ruins it all himself.

I see the pattern, and I wonder is there any way to break it.   

[Mie]

Why do I have this feeling that every time something GOOD or important is about to happen he starts acting as if he doesn’t want it to happen? At the moment when decisions have to be made he freezes totally and leaves everything to me or/and gets very bossy making decisions based on the emotion he has at that moment (impulsive!) and when it goes wrong he will blame me (forever).

We’ve lost house, businesses, cars, jobs, opportunities…and, of course, it’s all my fault or, in some cases, someone else’s fault.

Now we have had our new business 7 months only, and it looks really good. However, we have some problems to solve to be able to continue.  (The chain reaction of problems started from something he has done against the law…long story).  There is a solution, but we have to be very considerate, humble and realistic (everything he is not! ) in proceeding.

Does not help that we can’t discuss even  smallest issues without him going mad, so I make my suggestions and ideas come from somewhere else. For example, I asked our accountant would X be a good idea. She said: brilliant. So I told him that the accountant had said that X would be a good thing to do. What happens next: He tells me that he has been talking about X with the accountant and she says it’s a great idea… I feel very sneaky, but this is the only way.

He says often: 'Every time I do something good, it's taken away from me'.

I see it this way: every time he succeeds, he ruins it all himself.

I see the pattern, and I wonder is there any way to break it.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I dont think there is a particular strategy to target this as it is the cumulative effect of the disorder straits.  It lessons a little as you begin to manage the disorder as a whole. But this self sabotage/self pity/ blame projection is a core aspect of BPD.

Its almost like watching a good athlete who for some reason refuses to tie their shoelaces before every race, then falls flat on their face at some stage and blames someone else for tripping them every time.

[flowerpath]

Hi, Mie.  Your description here comes very close to being a page right out of the book of some BPD behaviors at our house:  indecisive/bossy/even regretful about good decisions (Flip a coin!), a pattern of financial errors, rules (laws) apply to everyone but him, knee-jerk reactions to small issues, and always in competition with me about something. 

In addition to the great lessons here, so many times I’ve read how our own actions are the ones that we have control over, and it’s important to choose to do what we need to do to look out for ourselves.

   

Considering the fact that in your case there is a history of a lost home, businesses, and cars, and something done that was against the law… if I were you, I’d keep a very smart eye on what is going on and do what you need to do to protect yourself, both financially and legally since you have a business together.  You have a distinct advantage that I did not have until this past summer - knowing that you are dealing with BPD.  I kept thinking there would be some epiphany, or that I would finally say the right thing, and that he would change.  I think our lives would have been very different had I known how to protect myself and our family from the disorder. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hi, Mie.  Your description here comes very close to being a page right out of the book of some BPD behaviors at our house:  indecisive/bossy/even regretful about good decisions (Flip a coin!), a pattern of financial errors, rules (laws) apply to everyone but him, knee-jerk reactions to small issues, and always in competition with me about something. 

In addition to the great lessons here, so many times I’ve read how our own actions are the ones that we have control over, and it’s important to choose to do what we need to do to look out for ourselves.

   

Considering the fact that in your case there is a history of a lost home, businesses, and cars, and something done that was against the law… if I were you, I’d keep a very smart eye on what is going on and do what you need to do to protect yourself, both financially and legally since you have a business together.  You have a distinct advantage that I did not have until this past summer - knowing that you are dealing with BPD.  I kept thinking there would be some epiphany, or that I would finally say the right thing, and that he would change.  I think our lives would have been very different had I known how to protect myself and our family from the disorder. 

Yes, it makes a huge difference knowing that they're a pwBPD. I'm learning everything I can, as fast as I can about this disorder. I wasn't too thrilled when my T made the analogy of red cars. (If you want to buy a red car, then you suddenly see red cars everywhere.)

My h has plenty of BPD behaviors and by noting them, I don't think I'm seeing more of them than what's actually there. For me, just realizing that he's BPD has given me a tremendous amount of compassion, something that I didn't have when I just thought he was being an a$$hole.

And like you, Flowerpath, I kept thinking that if I could just communicate my experience well enough, he'd have some insight into his behavior and be motivated to change. Ain't gonna happen.

On a positive note, now that I'm not JADEing, he's a much nicer person to be around. It's funny, I caught myself starting to explain something totally inconsequential--and I stopped, thinking that it was not important, nor would it be interesting to him, so why do it?

[waverider]

It's funny, I caught myself starting to explain something totally inconsequential--and I stopped, thinking that it was not important, nor would it be interesting to him, so why do it?

This is important. Either he gets grumpy because you are occupying his time with something of no consequence, or you get grumpy because it it becomes obvious he is just faking/mirroring interest in what you are saying. It all depends on the mood he is in.  With this in mind you actually learn not to just drone on without awareness simply because we have the urge to talk. We become better communicators in general.

I am so acutely aware of people just glassing over (which is what normal folks do) when I'm prattling on. Sometimes when I become aware of me doing this and someone obviously faking enthusiasm for what I am saying it even starts the red fags flapping as to why this person is over doing false interest (or am I seeing red cars  ).

I would rather someone tell me up front that they have no knowledge nor interest in a subject, rather than suddenly find myselfbeing mirrored as I find it embarrassing and patronizing.

[Cat Familiar]

It's funny, I caught myself starting to explain something totally inconsequential--and I stopped, thinking that it was not important, nor would it be interesting to him, so why do it?

This is important. Either he gets grumpy because you are occupying his time with something of no consequence, or you get grumpy because it it becomes obvious he is just faking/mirroring interest in what you are saying. It all depends on the mood he is in.  With this in mind you actually learn not to just drone on without awareness simply because we have the urge to talk. We become better communicators in general.

Thanks, this has helped me realize how little patience he has for things that are not his own initiative. He can fake it with people he's trying to impress, but has no interest in doing that with me anymore.  In fact he has so little patience, it drives him crazy standing in line at the grocery store if there are five or more people ahead of him. He often will put back everything in his basket (can't stand to have a full cart of groceries either) and leave the store.

[Cat Familiar]

Why do I have this feeling that every time something GOOD or important is about to happen he starts acting as if he doesn’t want it to happen? At the moment when decisions have to be made he freezes totally and leaves everything to me or/and gets very bossy making decisions based on the emotion he has at that moment (impulsive!) and when it goes wrong he will blame me (forever).

We’ve lost house, businesses, cars, jobs, opportunities…and, of course, it’s all my fault or, in some cases, someone else’s fault... .Does not help that we can’t discuss even  smallest issues without him going mad, so I make my suggestions and ideas come from somewhere else... .He says often: 'Every time I do something good, it's taken away from me'. I see it this way: every time he succeeds, he ruins it all himself.

It's good that you've figured out he has some resistance to your ideas and that he's more receptive if the ideas come from someone else.

My xBPDh was very similar in many respects. We also ran a business together. Just when things were starting to look like they'd work out well, he'd often sabotage them, creating a crisis needlessly. It was maddening.

Years later as I look back and now have seen the chaos he created in his life after we went our separate ways, I think much of that behavior stems from not feeling worthy. Not feeling worthy of success, of having what he wanted, of things working out. It's as though he was familiar with failure and the thought of success was a frightening unknown. His mother was largely absent when he was young as she was working so hard as a single mother with no real skills after his alcoholic dad left her with three kids. Then she remarried and his stepdad was an abusive alcoholic with a real dislike for him. So I think he was continuing to punish himself for not feeling like he was good enough.

[Mie]

Years later as I look back and now have seen the chaos he created in his life after we went our separate ways, I think much of that behavior stems from not feeling worthy. Not feeling worthy of success, of having what he wanted, of things working out. It's as though he was familiar with failure and the thought of success was a frightening unknown.

As far as I know, my SO created quite a chaos before me. He has told me about his businesses and relationships,and there's always the same pattern: success and collapse, bliss and disappointment... .Never his fault. (my T said, when I was telling this, actually feeling sorry for him (!) : And what is the common factor in all these incidents? HIM.)

It's amazing how things get twisted... . As you say, it probably stems from not feeling worthy, but he behaves and especially talks, the opposite: he, per se, deserves all the good things like success, as well as respect and gratitude from people. He tells me I'm a failure because I have not made money with my talent, and that is because of my 'looser attitude'. ( I don't feel like that myself at all! I know I'm an acknowledged professional, and I am ambitious but probably in not so visible way).

I am now very determined to make the business successful - and not letting him destroy it. If he wants to get rid of it, he can sell his part to someone else, but I'm going to stick with it. (And he would blame me for kicking him out, 'happy now?', oh... .I can visualize... .) We are probably (I hope) going to have a partner/shareholder who is very good at finances and would not tolerate any BS.

One thing is for sure: if he ever earns money, he can't save ANY. It will be immediately spent on things that reflect his (imaginary) life style.

       

( just had to try the new icons!)

[Cat Familiar]

As far as I know, my SO created quite a chaos before me. He has told me about his businesses and relationships,and there's always the same pattern: success and collapse, bliss and disappointment... .Never his fault. (my T said, when I was telling this, actually feeling sorry for him (!) : And what is the common factor in all these incidents? HIM.)

It's amazing how things get twisted... . As you say, it probably stems from not feeling worthy, but he behaves and especially talks, the opposite: he, per se, deserves all the good things like success, as well as respect and gratitude from people. He tells me I'm a failure because I have not made money with my talent, and that is because of my 'looser attitude'. ( I don't feel like that myself at all! I know I'm an acknowledged professional, and I am ambitious but probably in not so visible way).

One thing is for sure: if he ever earns money, he can't save ANY. It will be immediately spent on things that reflect his (imaginary) life style.

Definitely more similarities between my ex and your SO. My ex had an inflated self-perception but underneath that, he was like a wounded little boy. You'd never know by the way he talked--you'd think he had a tremendous amount of confidence.

He also disparaged me--later, after our divorce, I was told by mutual friends that they thought I was the effective one (with regard to our business and the development of our property). I was astounded by this because his constant criticism of me had so eroded my self-esteem. But now, years later, it's obvious that I'm the successful one and he's the one with the outstanding warrant for domestic violence with his second wife.

My ex also could never save any money. He admitted that whenever he had money, he spent it like a drunken sailor. He'd make a lot and it would immediately be gone, with nothing substantial to show for it.

[jedimaster]

He tells me I'm a failure because I have not made money with my talent, and that is because of my 'looser attitude'. ( I don't feel like that myself at all! I know I'm an acknowledged professional, and I am ambitious but probably in not so visible way).

One thing is for sure: if he ever earns money, he can't save ANY. It will be immediately spent on things that reflect his (imaginary) life style.

Actually I could have quoted the whole thread! My uBPDw is incredibly talented and gifted in a dozen different areas, but will run from success like it was a house fire.  Every time she starts to accomplish something, she finds a way to either: get bored with it; lose interest in it; sabotage it; set unrealistic expectations so she "fails" at it; claim I don't support her in it; push it off on me (her favorite lately); or have a complete dysregulated meltdown, blame me for anything and everything, and somehow connect it to whatever she has been doing lately and "cut it out of her life because you want me to."

Just like your SO, whenever she needs money (which is any day that ends in "y" she says if I had ambition and "would only realize my own ability" I would change jobs or start a business and could "be successful".   Understand that I make twice the average income for our area, have been doing what I do for over a decade, and am recognized statewide as an expert at what I do.  Not to mention I do web design on the side and make decent extra money at that.  I need to get off this board right now and work for the three customers who have requests waiting, but according to her I'll never make a go of it because I don't listen to her advice. 

I finally told her a while back that, I planned for five years to move into the position I had; I make good money doing what I do; it is very secure; I have NO intentions of leaving my job because she thinks I should; and the subject is closed.  That finally got her off my back, at least for that one subject.

Good luck to you and your situation.  One reason I work for my sister's company instead of striking out on my own is because I know that I couldn't manage a business and deal with BPD in the home at the same time.  I'd end up bankrupt and homeless, I'm sure.

[downwhim]

This is what booking vacations looked like, ok, you book the hotel, you use your miles and book the plane tickets(If something didn't work out) MY FAULT

[waverider]

I learnt to accept that my partner will never work, because the only think that beats her ability to talk her way into a job is her ability to talk her way out of it the next day. So I prefer to let her be the armchair expert and not try to turn fantasy into reality as its even more stressful on the way out as it is on the way in.

Lessons are never learnt and she just would keep repeating the cycle so I just wont get on that bandwagon any more. Its much the same with any kind of therapy and the reason trying to push her in a full DBT (or equivalent) course.

[Mie]

Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts

A few years ago I lost my job (good job, good money, ok I was not always happy) because of something he did. It's a very absurd story... .and now he is saying he saved me because I was so unhappy in my job. During the time we have known each other, he has quitted 4 jobs (of which one had very interesting prospects), always because of some impossible people who made his life difficult, did not respect him etc. and he left 2 projects unfinished because 'it would not work' (there was always some reason).The house project was simply a financial disaster because he wouldn't stick to the budjet.

I'm getting really curious what will be his excuse to destroy (or back off from or something) this new business. There are simply all elements of success. He is actually already trying to put it on me! He says things like: 'you liked to develop and design this, but actually working there is not your thing.' Or 'We are good at creating things but then we should be able to move on'. He is actually right in THAT - but the difference is that I want to take projects to the level where I see them working, even if I would have to do something which is 'not my thing'. Because I'm still sane   

[flowerpath]

He says things like: 'you liked to develop and design this, but actually working there is not your thing.' Or 'We are good at creating things but then we should be able to move on'.

Designing and developing are fun and work is sometimes more work than fun, but do you think that could possibly be projection?  

I want to take projects to the level where I see them working, even if I would have to do something which is 'not my thing'. Because I'm still sane  

That's a good reason for you to be keen to his words and actions, latch on your goals, do what you can to accomplish them even if you end up running the business by yourself, and not get sucked into his pattern of business failures.

[Cat Familiar]

That's a good reason for you to be keen to his words and actions, latch on your goals, do what you can to accomplish them even if you end up running the business by yourself, and not get sucked into his pattern of business failures.

I ended up running our business by myself, something I could not have even imagined at the outset. My ex-husband would get so dysregulated at times that he would walk off the job, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when he quit entirely.

All you can do is to keep doing your best. His behavior (and attitudes) are out of your control and it sounds like he's very inconsistent about his feelings about the business from day to day.

[Mie]

He says things like: 'you liked to develop and design this, but actually working there is not your thing.' Or 'We are good at creating things but then we should be able to move on'.

Designing and developing are fun and work is sometimes more work than fun, but do you think that could possibly be projection?  

Probably that too. But there is also truth there, I am a 'product developer' and project person, and always found routines killing. That may be part of the problems in our relationship: He would need routines to feel safe, like a kid. He cannot stand it when I'm spontaneous (which is, however, not the same as impulsive  ).

[Mie]

An episode again.

He failed to to an important meeting on Friday, because he had hang over, so we decided to do it on Monday, and go through everything before , during weekend.

Well, the weekend was very busy for me .Yesterday he was in my case from the morning, nitpicking, teaching how to you coffee machine, critisizing, questioning my ability to run any business and my loyalty to him etc. etc. Yes, he cleaned the floor (and made a number of it).

I snapped at him and asked to stop crititisizing. He said he would sell the whole s... .And go away. I said it's a good idea.   He went away furious, and after 2 hours called (of course as if nothing happened, while I still had my heart bumping) if everything is ok.

He came to the cafe again near closing time. I had started cleaning and there were still clients. He started it again! In a low voice, so that people would not hear, he started to explain me how to do things properly, and how I'm good-for-nothing in this business, how he hates his life. Then suddenly talked about some details we should do today and immediately started to blame me for discussing these things when there are clients present!

I left him to close. By then he already drank some wine (of course unacceptable if you work in the bar), but what could I do. I should have stayed but I decided he can take the consequences.

He stayed drinking, I don't know how long. And today he really should have the important meeting! I should never have emphasized the importance of the meeting, or rather timing of

it, I think that gives him extra pressure... .

Gosh, it is like he is really determined to ruin this business.