Alcohol is an issue

[Depression = 72% of members]

My pwBPD has a bit of a drink problem.  He drinks just before or during his dysregulation which makes the whole thing so much worse.

His pattern is to feel bad about something, go quiet and then leave.  He then drinks a lot and sends me text messages which get more and more incoherent and vicious, accusing me of all sorts.  Or he will get bored while I'm at work, feel isolated, have difficult feelings, feel lonely etc. and then go and start drinking during the afternoon.

He becomes so messy that he has threatened to sleep out and 'end it all' two or three times recently, accusing me of not caring.  It's very frightening because the temperatures are sub zero at the moment.  He knows this frightens me, though he's less likely to do it now as I am calling the police if it happens.

We have talked about his drinking when he's ok and he agrees that it's not helping, but then he feels as if I'm trying to 'change' him by bringing it up.  His Dr has also told him that alcohol is not helping him. 

His verbal attacks reached a new low last night.  He attacked my personal appearance, saying that I disgust him and that I'm grossly fat (which I'm not) and sexless... .He's been having trouble recently because of medication.  I am his emotional punch bag! 

I had Bulimia as a teenager and have always had issues with my self image and weight.  He knows this and has avoided personal appearance attacks up until now.  Am I to blame in some way?  What does it mean, that he really hates me now because he knows that this is stepping over the line for me? 

Things have seemed to be improving between us lately, yet his venom is more poisonous than ever... . 

Maybe I need clearer boundaries?  I'm kind of exhausted... .

[janey62]

My pwBPD has a bit of a drink problem.  He drinks just before or during his dysregulation which makes the whole thing so much worse.

His pattern is to feel bad about something, go quiet and then leave.  He then drinks a lot and sends me text messages which get more and more incoherent and vicious, accusing me of all sorts.  Or he will get bored while I'm at work, feel isolated, have difficult feelings, feel lonely etc. and then go and start drinking during the afternoon.

He becomes so messy that he has threatened to sleep out and 'end it all' two or three times recently, accusing me of not caring.  It's very frightening because the temperatures are sub zero at the moment.  He knows this frightens me, though he's less likely to do it now as I am calling the police if it happens.

We have talked about his drinking when he's ok and he agrees that it's not helping, but then he feels as if I'm trying to 'change' him by bringing it up.  His Dr has also told him that alcohol is not helping him. 

His verbal attacks reached a new low last night.  He attacked my personal appearance, saying that I disgust him and that I'm grossly fat (which I'm not) and sexless... .He's been having trouble recently because of medication.  I am his emotional punch bag! 

I had Bulimia as a teenager and have always had issues with my self image and weight.  He knows this and has avoided personal appearance attacks up until now.  Am I to blame in some way?  What does it mean, that he really hates me now because he knows that this is stepping over the line for me? 

Things have seemed to be improving between us lately, yet his venom is more poisonous than ever... . 

Maybe I need clearer boundaries?  I'm kind of exhausted... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Janey,

I'm so sorry to hear this; it sounded like things were much better recently with you.     

I was just about to start a topic on the same issue. My husband really went off the deep end last night (after drinking a lot) and we stayed up until 2 am talking.

Nothing I tried worked at getting through to him, so I finally dysregulated too and began punching the mattress. It wasn't until he saw me so upset that he could even consider any of the things I was saying. (That I love him and care about him--while he kept saying that I hate him and that no one cares about him.)  :'(  

I just hate what alcohol does to him.        

Sisters in exhaustion... .  

Cat

[janey62]

Hi Cat, thanks for the hugs, really needed them!

Things did seem to be improving, and this is in sharp contrast.  Perhaps the nearer he gets to understanding and managing it, the harder the illness bites, like addiction... .

Ive come home from work to find him gone.  He's only taken his phone charger so not sure if he's intending to come back.  I spoke to his mother, who last week was the devil as far as he was concerned and he told her he never wanted to see her again.  He asked her to leave a key out because he might need a bed tonight... .

Last night he said via text that I repulse him physically and that he was sick of pretending to love me!   :'(  Don't think I've ever been so hurt.  He always made me feel beautiful, not something which came easily to me, and now I feel shattered. 

Whether he meant it or not, the pain is the same.  I think I need some time to think         

I can totally relate to beating the mattress and screaming, I feel like that a lot.

Janey

[Grey Kitty]

Maybe I need clearer boundaries?  I'm kind of exhausted... .

Ding, Ding, Ding. I believe you are right.

If you are feeling that bad, then the emotional/verbal abuse and general stress is getting to you.

Time to take better care of yourself and refuse to subject yourself to being the emotional punching bag.

A boundary to consider is that you will not be around him while he's drinking.

This isn't controlling him. He may b___ at you claiming it is, but you are taking care of yourself. He's free to be drunk, however you choose not to be present with him when he is.

You are protecting yourself from his drunken a$$hole behaivor.

[waverider]

I went through this for a long time. Unfortunately i tiptoed around the edge of it too long, and so it dragged on too long. Fact is when full of the booze they simply dont care about consequences, so trying to reason/negotiate appropriateness just gives them something to focus on and give them a reason/excuse for drinking "you are driving them to it".

The only thing is to protect yourself and be hard ass about your boundaries... No contact/interaction when in this state. Let them feel the full force of their own abandonment issues if need be.

Until you get this off the table, you will struggle to achieve anything

[patientandclear]

Hi Janey.  Really sorry to hear about what he said -- that's so hurtful.

I just want to flag that, to me, the alcohol is not likely the cause of the hurtful statements and eliminating alcohol is not likely to be the solution.  I lived with and was married to a man who probably has some sort of PD (he is not the man wBPD who brought me to this forum) for many years, who said similar things.  I'd get up full of hope each morning (I was an incredible optimist) only to have him greet me first thing with "oh that's just what I need to see, your ugly mug."  He told me I was ugly a lot ... .like you, he knew this was one of the biggest holes in my self image and he used it against me to gain footing in what he seemed to feel was a power struggle between us.

He is also an alcoholic and I thought for a long time if he stopped drinking he would stop behaving like this.  That did not prove true.  The impulse was deeper.

I have recently been reflecting on the damage done by repeated (or I suppose even one) exposure to statements like this, statements that are meant to wound, from someone whom we expect to love us and whom we are trying to trust.  I think it is quite important not to minimize the harm done or to think it's manageable just by letting it roll off or not "taking it personally."

So to me, there is a need for a boundary here more central than the boundary around alcohol.  I would substitute in Grey Kitty's and Waverider's advice "his a$$hole behavior in insulting and verbally harming you" for drinking, and go very far away in every way if you ever hear such a thing from him again.

[FigureIt]

I have this problem too.  Many times my uBPDbf disregulates after drinking.  What I have found is to try as hard as possible to ignore him.  Not to take the bait into an argument. 

This past Friday was a prime example.  When we got home he started asking who was sleeping in the bed because he wasn't sleeping with me and some more.  I just ignored him and put my pj's on and went to bed.  I was lucky in that my lab climbed up next to me to sleep too.  About an hour after I fell asleep he tried to have "relations" with me.  He mumbled something nasty and then went downstairs.  The next morning he stated "I guess we didn't fight too much last night."  I said matter of fact, you weren't very nice to me last night.  You said some mean things."

Until he chooses to end his drinking, I can't force him.  There have been a couple times I have left the bar/restaurant because he has not been nice or rude.

[Grey Kitty]

P&C, I think that two boundaries are pertinent here.

1. Not being present around him when he's drinking/drunk.

2. Not putting up with verbal abuse from him, drunk or sober.

For many people without an alcohol problem, boundary #2 is sufficient.

Choosing to go far away and stay there is a tougher boundary. I would say that the time to consider that one is after already getting these first two rock solid.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, janey and sorry you are hurting D:

My dBPDh is also a drinker. He tends to drink more when he's upset, and will dysregulate while drunk. I'm not going to try to take the alcohol from him. I think he would end up being worse in the long run.

What I have done to curb the dysregulation if it starts:

1. Don't take anything they say personally. Usually, they are full of bad feelings, and they don't know why. So, they come up with reasons. Of course... .it somehow must be our fault, and they will say ANYTHING to hurt us. Don't let it. It comes from a vile place in their minds. Don't give those words power.

2. If he even starts to raise his voice, I remind him I will not tolerate being yelled at or called names. If he continues... .I get up to leave. I haven't actually had to leave yet, he's been able to calm himself if it gets that far.


I hear that he hurt your feelings, and I am sorry. But when we choose to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, these things will always happen. They will dysregulate, they will be rude, they will freak out if everything doesn't go according to the way the play it out in their heads. It's unreasonable to think that will stop. What we CAN do is change how WE speak, how much WE will take, and how far WE will let it go.

[janey62]

I hear what you're saying Grey, but it's hard to put up those boundaries because he is (or was) living with me and its a small house.  I do make him sleep in the spare room when he's drunk but his verbal abuse is nearly always by text.  I tell him I'm switching off my phone but he threatens suicide which freaks me because my mother, who was probably uBPD and the rest, did actually commit suicide after I'd put down a boundary after 28 years of abuse and left her to her rantings.  

It makes me so nervous and he knows it.

He's at his mother's at the moment and I'm having a much needed break...

Thanks for the words of advice Cold, I do get all that and have said it myself on here.  I am just so tired today and feel as if I've had enough.  I'm asking myself if I am really strong enough emotionally to take that kind of personal abuse?  I also ask myself it I'm not in this r/s because it mimics the r/s I had with my abusive mother and it makes me sick to think of all the years I've been tolerating this and allowing myself to be someone's emotional punch bag just because I love them and have compassion for their plight... .

Lots of long hard thinking going on here... .

[ColdEthyl]

I hear what you're saying Grey, but it's hard to put up those boundaries because he is (or was) living with me and its a small house.  I do make him sleep in the spare room when he's drunk but his verbal abuse is nearly always by text.  I tell him I'm switching off my phone but he threatens suicide which freaks me because my mother, who was probably uBPD and the rest, did actually commit suicide after I'd put down a boundary after 28 years of abuse and left her to her rantings.  

It makes me so nervous and he knows it.

He's at his mother's at the moment and I'm having a much needed break...

Thanks for the words of advice Cold, I do get all that and have said it myself on here.  I am just so tired today and feel as if I've had enough.  I'm asking myself if I am really strong enough emotionally to take that kind of personal abuse?  I also ask myself it I'm not in this r/s because it mimics the r/s I had with my abusive mother and it makes me sick to think of all the years I've been tolerating this and allowing myself to be someone's emotional punch bag just because I love them and have compassion for their plight... .

Lots of long hard thinking going on here... .

All of us have to make that decision for ourselves, sweety. I hope you find comfort in knowing we all understand exactly how you feel. We have all been fed up, dragged around, jerked around to the point of exhaustion. We are here for you! Just make sure you make the best decision you can for YOU! <3 /hugs

[waverider]

We all got ourselves tangled in these knots because we allowed it to happen as a result of not knowing any better. Now we have the means to work through it. It is long, and it is hard, of that there is no doubt. It is up to us individually to make progress and make the hard choices.

Believe in yourself and you can slowly untangle this, who knows what the end result will be, but it wont be where you are now. You have the map, you can start the journey. Each step will reveal itself in due course. The first steps are the hardest as they take courage

[Grey Kitty]

I tell him I'm switching off my phone but he threatens suicide which freaks me because my mother, who was probably uBPD and the rest, did actually commit suicide after I'd put down a boundary after 28 years of abuse and left her to her rantings.  

It makes me so nervous and he knows it.

Yes. Sadly, he knows he can "get" you that way, and he uses it.  :'(

You can change the game on suicide threats. They ARE serious, and you shouldn't ignore them. You are completely within your rights to call the police and ask them to make a "wellness check" on him as he was threatening suicide by text message, and you aren't there to check on him.

We have a couple topics that I recommend you read:

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

[janey62]

We all got ourselves tangled in these knots because we allowed it to happen as a result of not knowing any better. Now we have the means to work through it. It is long, and it is hard, of that there is no doubt. It is up to us individually to make progress and make the hard choices.

Believe in yourself and you can slowly untangle this, who knows what the end result will be, but it wont be where you are now. You have the map, you can start the journey. Each step will reveal itself in due course. The first steps are the hardest as they take courage

Soo helpful... .thank you Grey and Waverider and P&C, Cold and Figure.

I have decided to draw in my boundaries.  He is at his mothers now but wants to come back and is trying to manipulate me into agreeing, though he could just ask!  If I agree it will be with new boundaries in place... .

1)  if he drinks (occasionally) he sleeps in the other room - if he drinks regularly he goes somewhere else to do so.  

2) if he is abusive verbally or by text (either drunk or sober) he goes elsewhere no matter what time of day it is,

3) as soon as he becomes abusive I turn off my phone and warn him in advance that I will do so,

4) if he even hints at suicide I call the Police, whilst trying to support him if he will let me of course.  

Does that sound realistic/sensible?      

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds good.

One suggestion about this: "He sleeps in the other room" or "He goes somewhere else to drink"

That puts him back in control, as he is voluntarily leaving... .when the separation is to protect YOU, not him.

Asking him to do so is reasonable. Being prepared to depart for your own peace of mind should he resist is critical.

Don't make enforcing your boundaries into something that hands him control of the situation.

BTW regarding #3: You could turn your phone off. Or you could just block him on your phone, so other people can talk to you. (If he hides his number to get around this, back to square one.)

[Crumbling]

I used to say that my alcoholic BPDh had a girlfriend, her name was "Alex, Alexander Keith"  (That's the name of his favourite beer.)  I'd leave the house so he could 'spend time with her', because I was having nothing to do with him while he drank. 

It was only after I found myself sleeping in my car, tucked up hidden behind the neighbour's house for the third night in a row that I began to re-evaluate my boundary to not be around him while he drank.  At that point I started claiming my half of the house, and my right to be in it and not be subjected to alcoholic rages, so he had to leave to drink.  So I guess, I could say, I've been on both sides of this fence.  Unfortunately, the grass isn't any greener on either side.  The fight just fuels the anger, if it's about controlling each others actions. 

Be strong in your boundaries, that is such good advice, but also be exact, and let them be about you... .like stopping verbal abuse in its tracks.  I like the ideas of turning off your phone, and responding to his cries of suicide with calling the police, too.  If he knows you are serious, and you may have to call them to prove it, it will help him realize, a) it's too big of an issue for you to fix for him and you know it, and b) you care enough to want him to have proper help.

No verbal abuse of any kind ended up being the best defence for me.  If he wouldn't/couldn't control himself, I would leave, with no promises I would ever come back.  It was about protecting me.  It was about not allowing his decision to drink change my plans or expectations of the evening.  It was about respecting my right to be safe in my own home.

Even today when and if he drinks (it's become a health issue for him), I don't engage in any conversations, projects, games, etc with him.  No interactions at all.  I sit quiet doing my own thing, saying, yes dear, no dear, whenever appropriate.  He tries hard to get me going, and I work hard at staying grounded and we muddle through it.  And sometimes, I used to end up with what we called the 'sympathy hangover'.  I would get the headache, the dryness, the sketchy, shaky feeling in the morning.  I am just now understanding that it's likely the stress from such emotional strain for so long that would leave me feeling this way.

Anyways, hope some of this helps.    

I'm sending good intentions and prayers your way

[Cat Familiar]

I used to say that my alcoholic BPDh had a girlfriend, her name was "Alex, Alexander Keith"  (That's the name of his favourite beer.)  I'd leave the house so he could 'spend time with her', because I was having nothing to do with him while he drank.  

I've characterized my husband's relationship with alcohol as his mistress too.  

Once when I asked him why it was so compelling for him to drink, he told me it was like a friend who was always there for him. That struck me as really sad and pathetic.

After my recent dysregulation, I'm done trying to have any real conversation with him while he's under the influence. The problem is that he drinks almost every night, but doesn't always get as hammered as he did recently, but it's hard to tell how impaired he is sometimes.

[janey62]

Sounds good.

One suggestion about this: "He sleeps in the other room" or "He goes somewhere else to drink"

That puts him back in control, as he is voluntarily leaving... .when the separation is to protect YOU, not him.

Asking him to do so is reasonable. Being prepared to depart for your own peace of mind should he resist is critical.

Don't make enforcing your boundaries into something that hands him control of the situation.

BTW regarding #3: You could turn your phone off. Or you could just block him on your phone, so other people can talk to you. (If he hides his number to get around this, back to square one.)

Yes, that's helpful. I think I meant that I would say to him that as he was drinking I would require him to sleep in the other room.  It would not be on a voluntary basis.  I wouldn't want to go away though because it's my house (rented) and I don't have anywhere I can go that is near.  He doesn't either but that's his problem. 

In the past I had firmer boundaries, but that was before I understood that he had BPD.  When we were first together I would throw him out of my house for being abusive.  The times when he was drunk, which were usually a reaction to my going to work and leaving him all day - it was as if he felt I'd abandoned him... .I would come home to an empty house and find him by text in some pub, often he would refuse to come home saying he would sleep rough.  I made a rod for my own back then because I would go and find him and bring him home.  He sometimes played cat and mouse, hiding etc., but then when I did find him he would be tearful and seemed broken.  Then, I assumed it was down to his messy divorce and lost contact with son... .now I know better. 

Wish it didn't take so long to get the being strong in boundaries thing... .  Thanks Cat and Crumbling for your sound advice.  I don't ever want to sleep in my car though so if its me or him, he will be leaving!

[Cat Familiar]

I've set a boundary several months ago that I go to bed at 10:30 and if he wants to join me, he's welcome. Otherwise he sleeps in the other room. I was tired of waiting up for him, sometimes until 2 AM, and knowing that he was going to come to bed, I couldn't sleep.

Also when he drinks and adds prescription drugs to the mix, he snores loudly.

Nowadays, we seldom sleep together. Our sex life is nonexistent. However I am no longer sleep deprived. I guess that's an improvement.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, that's helpful. I think I meant that I would say to him that as he was drinking I would require him to sleep in the other room.  It would not be on a voluntary basis. 

... .

Thanks Cat and Crumbling for your sound advice.  I don't ever want to sleep in my car though so if its me or him, he will be leaving!

This is a subtle point, and I'm picking up my 9-pound hammer to make it 

Unless you are willing and able to physically pick him up and remove him from the bedroom or house, so you can sleep there in peace, going elsewhere on his part is a voluntary choice.

There are obvious problems with that approach, and I'd suggest that a better fallback position is telling him that if he doesn't make that voluntary choice, you will involve the police. That is pretty extreme as well, and you may not wish to do that.

That said, being clear and firm that you will not allow him any other choice but leave the bedroom is fantastic work on your part.

DON'T let his refusal to comply turn into an hour(s) long fight over it. Your goal is to have someplace to sleep in peace.

If you think this might happen (or already has!), start thinking about local friends and family, and see if there is anybody you can call on to provide a couch on short notice. This would be better to pre-arrange. Or set aside emergency money for a cheap motel for the night.

[ColdEthyl]

Janey it's the same as dealing with a child. The boundary has to be very clear and concise. When you set up punishments for children, you have to say like "If you don't clean up your room, you will be grounded from the tv for 3 days" you can't say "If you don't clean up your room, you will never see the light of day again!"

Do you see what I mean there? There has to be realistic punishments. I'm not called your boundary a punishment, but it follows the same logic when dealing with a pwBPD.

[waverider]

 

2) if he is abusive verbally or by text (either drunk or sober) he goes elsewhere no matter what time of day it is,

Do you have the means to enforce this? If he is drunk and abusive and you tell hem to leave, and he tells you to get %*!& he's not going anywhere.

Be careful of not allowing boundaries to just become unenforceable demands

[janey62]

I appreciate your sledge hammer Grey and the concern Waverider... .  

The thing is he is always out when he drinks and weirdly usually is reluctant to come home, requiring me to go through this ritual of being sent text messages which go from desperate to abusive to pleading to angry and back again.  It's as if he's trying to get me to reject him but also desperate for me to persuade him to come home.

On the occasions when he just comes home he is meek and though drunk usually well behaved and often tearful.  I don't even have to tell him to sleep in the other room, I let him in the door, say very little and go upstairs to my bed and shut the door behind me.  He stumbles around for a bit, makes himself some food and goes to the spare room.  He is a retired Police Officer and is not afraid of my calling the Police.  The thing is too that he would be very unlikely to do anything to break the law.  

Honestly it's not getting him out that is the trouble, it's stopping him from bolting!  It's as if he's constantly, when unwell, looking for the least excuse to get away.  I'm more on my own than with him.  If I am even slightly off colour or a little quiet or distant he takes it as a sign and leaves... .When he's well though we can talk openly and honestly and are very close.  I feel for him.  

I'm so frustrated by all this, not least because dealing with drunks is part of my job.  I work as a drug and alcohol counsellor!  Irony!  You'd think I'd know how to handle this, but it's a bit different when you are close to someone.  I have clients with BPD who have substance misuse, life, relationship, housing, legal and health problems and I welcome going to work to see them!  

[Crumbling]

Well now, Miss Janey, you've just explained a whole kettle of questions!  Thanks for sharing that stuff.

My grandfather owned a gas station and my grandmother was known throughout the town as 'the lady that always runs out of gas'.  I married a carpenter and live in an unfinished wooden house with an unfinished wooden garage in the yard.    A mental health care worker not taking care of her own emotions sounds just like family to me, darlin'!

Sounds like you are a safe place for him, and he is lucky to have you.  I run too, or bolt, as you called it.  At least, I used to.  I've worked consciously for ten years at changing this, and guess what, I still just ran away from a job that was a scary place for me!  That being said, I am a lot better at holding ground and not letting myself 'start over' every two to three years anymore.  That's progress.  Slow progress, but still good. 

At least he keeps coming back to you.  That's says something, right.  How is the drinking effecting his health? 

About the texting boundaries/suicide threats, have you got that one figured out yet?

[janey62]

Well now, Miss Janey, you've just explained a whole kettle of questions!  Thanks for sharing that stuff.

A mental health care worker not taking care of her own emotions sounds just like family to me, darlin'!

Sounds like you are a safe place for him, and he is lucky to have you.

It's true, I am a safe place for him, although I should clarify that I'm not a mental health worker, I'm a drug and alcohol counsellor and many of my clients have coexisting mental health problems, but I leave that side of things to the experts... .though inevitably I come into contact with their illness and have developed ways of managing that and helping.

Because we're in a relationship it makes it very hard for me to apply anywhere near the same rules as we do at work. In fact I turned into a completely jelly baby and forgot all of my training... .   

The thing with my pwBPD is that he is constantly on the lookout for rejection so if I even look at him funny or am quiet he takes this as a sign of rejection and if I even say to him, I don't like the way you're speaking/behaving he is out the door before I can finish the sentence.  When he drinks its just part of the dysregulation process and again, he looks for rejection.  We've spent many months apart in this way.

Recently the time apart has become shorter because I am more aware of his condition and so is he and he realises that I am a safe place for him.  Also I think that I've changed and he feels that.

My focus has been more about taking care of myself and I've heard myself say that to him quite often and put it into practice.  For a while I was living too far away from friends and familiar places so I moved back home, in spite of his not being happy about it.  Its meant that he's had to move with me and be away from all his new friends (drinking buddies mainly). But also its meant that I feel safer, have support and don't feel so isolated.

I've called the police twice now when he threatened suicide after he'd walked out of the house and gone and got drunk.  The first time he told them that he was suicidal, he was drunk and wandering the streets in freezing whether threatening to sleep out.  They took him to a psych hospital where he was assessed and eventually let go.  The second time I called them because he was again wandering and making veiled threats of suicide, but this time he came home within half an hour and before they found him so I had to call them to let them know he was safe.  He slept in the other room and was quiet as a mouse. 

His drinking isn't causing him health problems yet... .

On the boundaries thing though, if he's drinking he's out of the house.  I think he knows now that I will call the police and he doesn't want that because the trip to the hospital frightened him.  When he gets home he knows and automatically goes in the other room.  The thing is to be firm about not reading his texts when they become abusive.  Thats the hard bit for me because I'm afraid of the silence... .but now I have no choice because the attacks are so personal and have hurt me.  Usually I can let it go once he's calm again, but this time what he said has cut very deep.  I always believed that he liked my body, but now I feel insecure which is horrible... .

I am intending to find myself a therapist to help me deal with all this. 



Janey

[Crumbling]

Getting a therapist sounds like a great step, I'm doing the same.

Is AA an option?  Or Al-Anon for you?  AA helped keep my BPDh sober for thirteen years.  It can work if the person is in the place to receive it.  Right now, he isn't going to meetings.  I think he somehow feels like he has let his AA buddies down after being sober for so long, then just grabbing on to the booze like a life line.  I don't really know why he isn't going back, I don't ask anymore.  I don't know if he really knows.

Trying not to personalize their attacked can be so hard.      Try to remember he's just lashing out, like a drowning victim, just grabbing at anything, even if it means hurting the other person. 

My prayers are with you. c.

[janey62]

 

And sometimes, I used to end up with what we called the 'sympathy hangover'.  I would get the headache, the dryness, the sketchy, shaky feeling in the morning.  I am just now understanding that it's likely the stress from such emotional strain for so long that would leave me feeling this way.

Sounds horrible, I don't get a hangover as such, but I do get a lot of headaches.  Stress is a factor for me too.  I feel very edgy and get palpitations and a tight feeling in my chest and throat when things are bad, and cry a lot. Also am a bit snappy out in the world sometimes  .  It really is a health hazard all this!  My dogs help me a lot, they are soft and cuddly and always there for me and get me out and walking with time to reflect.  Therapy is essential... .

My pwBPD is calm today.  We've been to the Drs and she is going to refer to the psychiatrist who he saw two weeks ago and then fell out with (he had good reason to actually) to find out what meds he was intending to prescribe.  Then hopefully he can start taking them.  He has also been diagnosed with a chest infection and mild pneumonia... .all those nights of wandering the streets drunk in the cold and sleeping in a bus shelter no doubt!  He's asleep now and I'm sat in front of the fire relaxing.  

I think maybe once he can have a stretch of time without an episode he has a better chance of accessing some therapy and maybe AA is an option.  You must be so frustrated that your h is drinking again after so long of being abstinent?  And you say his health is suffering?  Is he drinking every day?  He must be aware too that his health is a factor.  Mine gets the wind up him if he's ill because of his BPD... .



Janey

[Crumbling]

 

Good to hear all is well for the moment! 

It does take time for an alcoholic to come out of that fog in their brains, and you are right, some TLC and good rest should make all the difference.  Pneumonia!  No wonder he's in such a mess!  You are both being looked after, that's great!

My BPDh broke his sobriety five years ago.  We moved, and it triggered him into drinking.  He did drink daily at that point, and for most of the four years that followed.  He hasn't sworn it off, even today, but he drinks A LOT less than he ever did, since he fell off the wagon.  Now when he drinks, he, well, bleeds out the rectum.  And I don't mean a little bit, it goes on for about three days.  I haven't been with him to the doctor in years, so I'm not sure what the doc said about it, but whatever it was, he has much more strength to stay away from the booze now than he ever did before.

The stress of living this way, with BPD, is hard on all of us.  I'm learning that the more we work at letting the stress of it all go, the better everything gets.  Stress is an awful killer, from every angle!

c.