My BPDw's mind games with me, because she "loves" me

[Samuel S.]

Well, the weirdness continues, to say the least! My BPDw puts so much regard and so much respect on a medium-counselor for everything. It's incredible how reliant she is, and she rarely will listen to reason from me or anyone else.

I have a medical condition of a lymph node that creates pain for me off and on. My BPDw put it upon herself to discuss my medical condition with her medium counselor who said it is just scar tissue from a previous extraction of a benign tumor. The pain is due to the scar tissue pressing against a nerve.

So, my BPDw reported back to me that I shouldn't have CT scans, x-rays, or other doctor appointments, but she realizes I am going to do what I am going to do. Frankly, I hope this is the case, but I am going to have much more credence on a doctor than a medium counselor. Also, even if you believe in mediums which I do, this one has been extremely unreliable. She caused us to lose $15,000, and she even directed me to a counselor who months later killed his ex-wife, her sister, and then himself.

So, all things considered, a medical professional who can determine the cause after tests is going to suit me just fine.

BTW, my BPDw said a couple of weeks ago that she wasn't going to manipulate me anymore. Well, I think she can eat her own words now.

[Mutt]

It is possible your BPDw is feeling guilt and shame with how it worked out with the unreliable medium. It sounds like she's projecting. Trust your instincts and get checked by medical professional.

[Samuel S.]

Mutt, you don't know how much I appreciate your posting! My BPDw always says to trust your instincts, and yet, if I wish to do something independent of her that doesn't hurt anyone, then, she gets all huffy and puffy and puts me down for it. Also, the first time that a lymph node was extracted, I had no pain whatsoever, and I didn't know my BPDw. So, this time, I feel the pain, and I am trusting my instincts. I have taken care of the blood work, and I am going to have a CT scan and an x-ray a week from today with a follow-up with an ear, nose, and throat doctor.

My BPDw suffered a major loss of a daughter who was only 7 1/2 years old over 15 years ago. She deservedly needs to be heard any time, and it becomes especially hard for her during the holiday season. So, I listen and validate as I always do. Yet, she undermines any pain I may have, and I complain hardly at all. It is too bad that all this pain I am experiencing is coming now, but it is out of my control. So, she said to me that her experiencing child birth is much more severe than any pain I might experience. I am a guy, and I cannot fathom the pain a woman has giving birth, but again, to erase any pain that I have or anyone else is extremely selfish, disrespectful, uncaring, and unloving.

[Mutt]

I understand. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard. I think it could be because your ex lacks attention when you're sick.

I can relate. I was sick for nearly 3 months with bronchitis. My ex showed no empathy and was goading me. It really hurt.

I'm sorry to hear she's having a hard time. A tragic loss losing a child.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine is kicking me to the curb upon hearing I may need heart surgery. I am sorry to hear what everyone else has experienced too  :'(

[Samuel S.]

Beach_Babe, if you need heart surgery so that you can live, then, please take care of this matter. Your doctor is there to be supportive of your health. As for your SO and as for mine, they live in fear, and they wish to control. It is almost like saying that they know all the answers; yet, they don't live in your body, and they don't know how you feel. I sincerely do hope and pray that if and when you do have heart surgery, that you will feel that much better. I just wish people like you and me could get validated for who we are and for what we need, just as they need as well. Yet, they are too fearful and too selfish in order to realize that other people in the world exist. Bottom line, I care for you and for your health! Please keep us updated! 

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you Samuel. How are you today?

[Samuel S.]

Beach-Babe. I am doing okay. I have the infrequent pain in my neck now on both sides, but I don't share this info with my BPDw, because she can't and won't listen, anyway. With the holidays, with the loss of her 1st daughter over 15 years ago, and with her selfish, controlling, negative attitude anyway and even with her other daughter back from college for the Winter break, she is still not happy. She told me this evening "I just want to get over the holidays". While anyone who is grieving can empathize with her, she behaves that everyone must bow down to her, or else, they are no good. While I listen and validate her, she rarely listens, validates, and looks at me literally. Again, the world has to revolve around her.

I had an okay day shopping and saw the movie "Annie" which was good and made me cry in parts. I am basically afraid about the results of the CT scan and x-ray. I hope for the best, but the pain shouldn't be there. So, I have to wait until next Friday to get these tests done and wait for the results.

The only saving grace is that my daughter from Australia with her family are here for 2 months, and I have seen them already. It's been a long 8 years already. So, that touches my heart!

How are you feeling, Beach-Babe? How's your energy level? Do you get support, love, and understanding from anyone else besides your SO? I sure hope so! You deserve it and need it!

I have come to the conclusion that my BPDw and probably many other BPDs are Scrooge with their "bah, humbug" attitude, except the Christmas Story Scrooge finally changes. Our BPD Scrooges are in a permanent, negative mode, because they are so selfish and controlling.

[Samuel S.]

Tonight was one of those nights. Along with sending out some Christmas cards, my BPDw has 2 friends from the past whom she felt very close to in the past. When her D 7 1/2 passed away, her relationships with all of her friends changed with them trying to be sensitive to her, etc. 2 of her friends and their families she still likes to give them cards with gifts; yet, she doesn't want to see them. So, I asked her about this, and she said that she is confused about it. I said that I understand to a certain extent, but I said that she obviously must care and love them still, and she admitted she does. Nevertheless, she wasn't too convinced to take the initial step to break the communication barrier with them. So, I become the messenger for the last 6 years or so. This time of the year is difficult for her, and she needed to hear from herself what she is doing by alienating her own friends. Nevertheless, I tend to think she won't change, even if things would be better. Not the best due to her loss, but at least better. Well, at least, she heard what I said, but she always discounts what I say and feel.

[Beach_Babe]

I will keep you in my prayers, Samuel. I hope everything with the CAT scan turns out okay. I am flabbergasted at how indifferent they can be at times. After over a decade I never thought mine would split me black while I lie in a hospital bed. Do you have support, someone who will go to the doctor with you?

[Samuel S.]

I too will keep you in my prayers, Beach_Babe! When will a decision be made about a possible heart surgery? In the meantime, please do take care of your tender heart both emotionally and physically! Did your SO put you down while being in a hospital bed? That's horrible! I had the same thing happen to me a couple of years ago. I was in the hospital 3 different times. 2 of the times, she was supportive, but the 3rd time, she said that my hospital stay was going to cost a lot of money. After having said that, I didn't look at her, I was so upset. After she left, I broke down and cried to a nurse who referred me to a social worker who couldn't believe she said that.

As for support when I see the doctor, I do have friends that I can call upon who care and love me. I most definitely not asking my BPDw. All she is interested in is herself!

[Samuel S.]

I lucked out today. My BPDw and her D18 are going out of town, and my BPDw has prepared gifts for different people, friends and fellow workers. The friends are mutual, and I like them. The fellow worker at one of the places is the one who jokingly said that I was with a blonde when I got a flu shot several months ago. My BPDw wanted me to bring a box of candy to that guy and his fellow workers at first. I then was figuring how I can avoid him. Then, she changed her mind. I just don't want to deal with a guy who makes jokes and then with my BPDw saying that "it is probably a good idea because I am so busy with my studies", and they both laugh. Evidently, she doesn't know what happened, that I called him. Just thinking about this is horrid enough. Just thinking about this only makes my neck feel that much more pain. Yeah, I really don't want to be confrontational with anybody. If you want to call me a whimp, go ahead. I just hate it that they would make me someone to be laughed at.

[Samuel S.]

Just to be clear about it: I only went in to get a flu shot by myself, and there were people at that pharmacy who could attest to that. My BPDw knows that I have been faithful. The pharmacist knows I was alone. In fact, when I called him on that horrid joke, he could not sleep that night, and he eventually called me to apologize a lot for joking about something like that. Confronting my BPDw, "the voice of wisdom" who is truly a wounded woman, is very scarey to me, because she never forgets a wound - hers, but not everyone else's. UGH!

[Beach_Babe]

Confronting my BPDw, "the voice of wisdom" who is truly a wounded woman, is very scarey to me, because she never forgets a wound - hers, but not everyone else's. UGH!

Ohhh yes. Don't I know this well. It's always how you have wronged them. I am a bit more isolated at the moment then I would like, perhaps that's why I've stayed. Why have you Samuel?

[Samuel S.]

Beach_Babe, it's a combo of reasons that I am staying, but I am trying to work something out to be more financially on my feet. Yes, money is a major issue. I also feel isolated like you due to not having my daughters around. One is in Australia, and the other one is in another state. Also, I am afraid of her anger. I will feel less afraid, if and when I have enough money to get out of this marriage.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw and her D18 went away for 3 days to do some bonding which they haven't done for a long time. My BPDw called once a day to report how her day was going. She would ask how was your day, but she really didn't listen, and she just was saying something like that out of courtesy. Yet, the rest of the conversation each time was about her and her D18.

They got back tonight and were so focused on themselves, that my BPDw didn't even ask about what I had done. Again, it was all about them.

During the time they were gone, it made me realize that much more so how alone I am in this marriage and how selfish my BPDw really is. Granted, she prepared some meals for me which was nice, but above and beyond that, I could slept each and every single day, and she would care less.

During the time they were gone, I relaxed and saw a lot of movies and saw some friends. So, indeed, I felt like the world was off my shoulders. As for getting a better financial standing, I even bought some lottery tickets. If I get lucky, I get out of here in a heart beat. Granted, I am not going to rely on lottery tickets alone. I need to look at finances more closely and see how I will be affected. It just gets like I give and give, but there is really very little time on us being a couple, because she is so focused on her studies and working. BTW, she said she is doing us in order to not focus on the loss of her D 71/2 who passed over 15 years ago. While we can all empathize with her and others like her in this situation, what she misses out is on the here and now, the people around her. If I were to stay around and then die, she would go through the same process like what she is doing now and never learn her lesson that life is precious, that she needs to value the people who are around her along with pursuing her goals. She just goes from one extreme to another, now and in the past. It is no different unfortunately!

[Samuel S.]

Well, the mind games continue by my BPDw! Yesterday being Christmas, she and I agreed that I would visit having lunch with my side of the family visiting from Australia, and I then would travel to her side of the family for dinner. Prior to me leaving to my side of the family by myself, my BPDw told me how horrible and selfish my D48 has been. Then, my BPDw told me that everyone deserves to follow their own spiritual path. Excuse me! So, it is horrible for my D48 to be selfish, but everyone deserves their own spiritual path? Again, my BPDw was just trying to play mind games and to put a damper on my visit with my D48 and her family. Well, it didn't work! I chose not to respond with her contradictory talk. I kissed her goodbye and left. Then, I had a great time, and she couldn't discount it! Then, I went to her side of the family, and that was a nice get-together.

It all boils down to her having lost her own D7 1/2 years old over 15 years ago. My BPDw and her D18 are grieving, angry, frustrated, and my BPDw's "bah humbug" attitude for others who have joy in their lives is understandable, but she shouldn't make it a point to block others' happiness.

All of us nonBPDs can have our own joys attempted to be undermined by mind games, but how we choose to deal with our BPDs is extremely important. Sure, we can validate them and learn from the lessons on this website; yet, it sure doesn't make it any easier to be constantly bombarded by their mind games, abuse, and any other negative behavior when we are with them, because we love and care for them.

[Samuel S.]

I found out today that a friend of my D18 had lymph node surgery in his chest area. When I was originally told about it, the surgery was to reduce his chest size, and my BPDw and her D18 laughed about it. Seeing that I have a lymph node issue in my neck with a lot of off and on pain, my BPDw has tried in so many different ways to discourage me from getting the medical attention I deserve. I have gotten a CT scan, an x-ray, and blood work done already, and I find out on Monday about the results of everything. In the meantime, my BPDw has said that she has been in so much emotional pain, that I am wasting insurance money, that my pain is nothing like hers, that my pain is only due to scar tissue due to a benign tumor taken out 15 years ago. So, you get the picture. She is trying to control my actions so that I can focus more attention on her. I still focus my attention on her just as much as always, but she obviously doesn't respect me for wanting to pursue what I am doing. Granted, she might be scared. I am too, but being scared is not going to help get rid of my pain, which BTW she doesn't even ask about, unless I bring it up. Even then, she will return to how much pain she is in, etc.

So, I do have a lot of pain off and on, almost daily. I am scared and concerned. I have tried independently acupuncture, but it hasn't helped. So, I am getting the medical help I need. Even if it is scar tissue hitting my nerve, it is not only on the left side of my neck, but also on the right side of my neck but not as frequently.

I just wish my BPDw would show some concern and love and understanding what I am going through, just as much as I do for her, but we nonBPDs know that is like asking an ant to move a mountain. It's not going to happen unfortunately! I luckily have friends and other relatives who are compassionate and listen.

[Samuel S.]

The tests are normal so far, thank goodness! I still have aches and pains off and on. I am not telling my BPDw, because I will get all negative stuff again. To complain or to express my concern to my BPDw is like talking to the wall. I don't know what is causing these symptoms.  I have another doctor appointment in mid-January. Meanwhile, I have to be silent or face her verbal abuse again. I just wish she could allow someone else to matter besides herself.

[Samuel S.]

One sign of compassion and decency arose last night. Seeing that my BPDw lost her D7 1/2 over 15 years ago, she is especially sensitive to that and to others who have had a loss in their lives. Yesterday, I tutored for the first time a 17 year old whose parents passed away from cancer 6 months apart from one another 4 years ago. Being a typical teen, he prefers to play video games and play sports. So, studying is not a high priority, and his grades show it. Hence, I helped him understand Spanish a little bit better. Afterward, he, his guardian, and I started talking about what ways he could improve, and he said that he has "internal" things that hinder him from doing better. His guardian and I knew exactly what he was talking about. Eventually, he began to cry. I gave him suggestions as to feel happier and to feel that his life has meaning. He also said he felt guilty for not being able to be there for his mother, because he felt he could have saved her by calling 911. I suggested that he could only control his own life and to try to help others, but cancer is something that he couldn't control.

When I got back home, I shared what happened with my BPDw. She said she understood how he felt and wants to help him. I praised her for offering, that she should wait for him to process his emotions for a week or two so that he might be up to her offer. So, this is the first encouraging thing by her to show she wants to help by talking with him.

While this is an awesome improvement, she still does not want to respect me and has become a typical BPD. So, this situation of her helping him is awesome, but she basically just shuns and abuses me verbally.