Marriage: Stories from people whose spouse left them

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there. I have no stories of people whose spouse left THEM, even though people tell me it is really common. Did that happen to you? How did it happen? Were you surprised? Had the spouse threatened many times or did it come out of the blue? Did you want to stay or were you glad to see it end? Enquiring minds want to know. I know nothing so the more the better! Thanks

[Randi Kreger]

Hi there. I have no stories of people whose spouse left THEM, even though people tell me it is really common. Did that happen to you? How did it happen? Were you surprised? Had the spouse threatened many times or did it come out of the blue? Did you want to stay or were you glad to see it end? Enquiring minds want to know. I know nothing so the more the better! Thanks

[billypilgrim]

Married for 2 years, partner for 6.  We went to dinner and movie the night before she left.  We had been intimate earlier that day before work.  She even reminded me that she was taking her prenatal vitamins as we about to start trying for children.  She woke up the next day, said she had a pit in her stomach and went to her Mom's for 4 hours.  She came back and left.  I was very surprised.  I did not see this coming.  4 days later she had her own apartment.  A couple of days after that she reached out via e-mail with her reasons for leaving - she blamed me for the ending of the r/s.  She pulled things from 4-5 years ago, stuff that she apparently held onto prior to us living together or being engaged, let alone married.  5 days or so from that she signed separation papers.  A couple of weeks after that she found a replacement, a former "boyfriend" (quoted as I think it's a bit of stretch to call him a boyfriend).    

I'm almost 2 months out and I feel relieved.  I wanted to her to stay at first but now I don't ever want to be involved with her again.  I was actually pretty convinced she'd come back after she first left.  I know now that that won't be for a while, if ever.  Hopefully the latter.  I didn't think I would feel this way a few weeks ago but I know that I'm fortunate to be given a way out.  

She had never really threatened to leave before, just that she would say that she "doesn't love me anymore."  I would take this as some sort of challenge to get her back.  And it worked, almost like I reignited that honeymoon/idealization phase again.  Rinse repeat.

[maxen]

Hi there. I have no stories of people whose spouse left THEM, even though people tell me it is really common. Did that happen to you?

yes

How did it happen? Were you surprised?

i was blindsided. on the other hand, i can't say i was 100% surprised: my wife had sent me an email in the middle of the workday a month before, stating that i didn't like her very much. so i "should have known"? but she had agreed that we should stay together and work on it. as i discovered later, when she sent the email she was already getting involved with someone else. so i was 99% surprised. days before she bolted, she suggested we should rent a power washer and clean the house. the morning she bolted, we exchanged the usual funny emails.

Had the spouse threatened many times or did it come out of the blue?

she had never threatened to leave.

Did you want to stay or were you glad to see it end?

i wanted to stay. i'm not saying the the marriage would have survived, but it was our work as a married couple to come to a decision on how to proceed. i am saying that a unilateral decision to end it in the most violent way possible after somebody agreed to open the door is, y'know, not alright.

[Popcorn71]

I was with my xBPDh for a total of 9 years.  We were married for almost 6 years when he left me.

We had been having problems for a few months and were not living together as he had been violent to my teenage son.  However, he spent 3 nights a week with me and we had agreed that he would soon be coming home.  Unbeknown to me, he was busy finding a replacement and as soon as he did, he dumped me.  It was a total shock to me and I would never have believed that he was capable of behaving as he did.  He totally lied to me and pretended things were going well for a couple of months before he left.  I think he planned it and let me think all was well until he had everything of his from my home and no longer needed me for anything.

At first I was devastated and depressed.  That was 16 months ago.  Now I see him and cannot believe I was with him in the first place.  I am actually pleased he left.  The way I see it is that life would have been far worse if I was still stuck with him, and I would never have dumped him the way he did me.  I really believe now, that he has messed his own life up more than he expected to and that he has actually done me a massive favour by not wasting any more of my time.

[Infern0]

My mother is uBPD and she gave my dad the silent treatment for a month before announcing that she was moving out.

She called me to tell me she had left him and gave some utterly nonsensical reasons for leaving. They had never been happy together as long as I can remember and to be honest I was kind of relived that it was over.

Of course mum played the victim and told me (as usual) about how dad had always been looking at other women and had never made her feel loved and all the rest of it. Dad for his part gave his usual "I won't talk bad about your mother"

Fast forward a year and dad is happier than I've ever seen him with a lovely new girlfriend,  mum also has a new partner and she's just as miserable with him.

[Mutt]

Hi Randi,

Yes. My spouse left me. I don't know if she's been officially diagnosed BPD. She shows BPD traits. The thought had never crossed my mind in our relationship it could be mental illness. My biological mom that I had found told me after the split and before I found this forum that she has BPD.

We were together for nearly 8 years. A young family of 6.  I was fed up with her behaviors and threatened divorce and triggered her fear of abandonment. I was split black right from that point on. If only I had read your book

Over the course of our relationship  I noticed a pattern. It could be seasonal deficit disorder. Where I reside in Canada, winter settles in Oct and when the days shortened I noticed her behaviors were more erratic.

She displayed aggressiveness, hostility and blamed me for everything. Her behaviors would worsen through until the Christmas and New Year holidays. Nearly every year with the exception of the second ( she left me for a month to her mothers in the summer ) I felt like had no choice but to leave the house and stay with family because the environment felt unbearable.  I would return usually a month afterward and she was insistent I came back home sometimes a week after I had left. I used this time as a mental break.

After my return home in February, things were calmer and more peaceful and she would treat me much nicer. I would dread the fall as I knew winter was coming. Often she'd blame me and say "Mutt you get this way this time of the year!" That was the signal I knew things were going to get bad.

She often threatened divorce. One peculiar way she would do it is after a terrible rail she would sometimes post simply the letter ":)" on my Facebook wall, a sort of public and personal display. Her indifference with divorce was disheartening.  My views and religious background was an influence on myself to stay in the marriage and try to make it work at all costs.

Although we're not technically divorced, I'm seperated for 2 years. I was advised by an ex university professor of law ( he suspects his ex has BPD and we talked about your book, SWOE ) to have her file for divorce. As she may make concessions when she's ready to marry her boyfriend and her lack of impulse control.

The final winter I had enough and told her she either gets helps or I'm done. The following summer she was acting odd. I started to suspect that she was talking to someone else and having an affair. She smokes and the only time I knew that she would quit is when she was pregnant. She was in her dissociative phase and out of the blue she quit and I had asked why? She verbally attacked me.

A few weeks later she'd come home from an appointment she had with the kids prenatal Dr. ( no mention of this appointment ) and she said "The Dr. thought I was pregnant it's from my cervix and I'm not, I just look this way"  It was something along those lines and the explanation didn't make sense  She was pregnant with his baby. A couple of weeks later she told me she was "moving on" and I couldn't get her to give me a proper explanation. Those were her only words. She was giving me the silent treatment and borderline rages. At this point I knew things were going to end badly.

She was continuously leaving the house for dates with her boyfriend and left me home to tend to the kids. I was accused of being emotionally, physically and financially abusive. She went as far as calling women's shelters ( I was the sole provider in the household ) and mental health facilities when I checked the phone records. She was very agressive and blamed me that the house was a "hellhole". Sometimes she wouldn't return home until the next day.

She moved out and wouldn't return calls, texts, emails and it went on for a few months. I found my way here to bpdfamily.

Yes, I was glad to see it end. She had started an emotional and physical affair with the neighbors friend after I had triggered her fear of abandonment.  She left and moved in with him.  I had not anticipated how difficult those last few months were going to be and how hard she was going to make it for access to the kids and court - not fun.

My sincerest apologies for the length and I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[Turkish]

I met mine about the time I turned 37. She turned 27 a few months later. We were mentors fir at risk youth (now I realize a lot of us were co-dependent or Rescuer types... .shame on me for thinking this was the place to find a mate, which was in the back of my mind when I met her, which was my second year of doing it).

She flat out stated: "I hate marriage" in the beginning. I spent a year, through one recycle, "convncng" her otherwise. That is the background.

We were engaged for 5 years, after she gave me permission to propose. He was desperate for a child from the first time we were intimate. I wasn't the first, but the previous two BFs didn't "take." It was a gender reversal of the sterotype of the woman who gets pregnant to keep the guy. She used to joke about being the "man" in the r/s, although she said she appreciated my feminine emotions. Thanks to perhaps my always single BPD mom raising me. There is something to an opposite gendered child being raised in a household of a person or people of the other gender... .

We had now S4. After D2 was born (and I agreed to this despite my reservations about her emotional stability), she started detaching from us a little. Again, I agreed to a second child because I knew she would leave me to give S4 a sibling. She was Dx'd with depression by this point. Been seeing a T on and off, but it was with our HMO, so the care was limited.

We had issues, and she had some legitimate complaints about me. I'm avoidant, I admit,   left over from my childhood, even though I moved out the day I turned 18 and haven't spent a night back in my mom's house since, 25 years ago. Avoidance equals abandonment for a pwBPD. A year before our r/s started its exponential decay, I felt so devalued by her almost constant invalidation, and WoE, I felt like I would be worth more dead. I've set us up well financially. Even leaving out my work based life insurance, retirement account and home equity, she would get good mney from my social security death benefits for the kids. I'm obviously still struggling with self worth issues.

My Ex grew up in a violent household. She caught her dad in bed with another woman when she was 6. She was parentified by her mother (something we've discussed since she has the tendency to make D2 and S4 responsible for her emotions). Two years ago, her father was caught by her mom with a "kept woman." Shortly afterwards, I noticed that she was openly rebellng against what her mom was offering in the way of parental advice. I always tried to support her on healthy boundaries, but this was outright disrespect. Latino culture. That's another curve ball.

She came to me one night, "I don't feel emotionally connected to you as much. I'm not happy. What are we going to do about it?" I took this as woman code: "what are you going to do about it?" Being avoidant, I said it was fine if she wanted to go out clubbing, secretly fuming that she wanted to pawn off then D1 and S3 to her mom. In not much time, she exchanged numbers with a bouncer. Accused me of "not allowing her to have guy friends," though I wasn't controllng. She always appreciated that about me. She was going out. After the break up, she said she was trying to get my attention... .and she had a point. I was just tired of being her conscience. After buying her a $37k SUV, she called us done two weeks later. She broke up with me after I worked all weekend (something I had never done, but it saved our whole division). Two weeks later, I found evidence of her cheating on her phone. She denied it about 7 times (because being the male, I was the one to cheat, and she often would remind me of this).

I was lured into couples' counseling only to be abandoned. The T, $4k and many months later, said there was nothing wrong with me other than letting my Rescuer traits go too far, and making. A poor choice in a mate. She quit him after two individual sessions. He shated one thing with me that she said: "I don't trust men." I had observed some of her devaluing statements to then S3 while she lived with us. It makes me want to be on point for our kids even more. She loves them, I know, but part of it is to meet her needs. Kids that age need to be mirrored, not the reverse.

For four months until I could get her out with minimal drama, I endured her juvenile r/s. He was constsntly calling. 9/10 nights, I was the one who sang to the kds and put them t sleep while she ran into the other room to skype with her boy toy, all the while denying that they had a r/s and that they were just friends (which would be wrong anyway).

3 months after they met, I found something she had written to him, "every day that goes by is one day closer that we can be together forever." I couldn't win her back from the fantasy by that point, though I tried. I knew it was over. I knew it was over when a few weeks later she said, "you anandoned me, it felt just like my father."

So ironic that she ended up acting just like her father, which she admitted in a week of lucidity where I thought there was a slim chance of us working it out.

She said a few times, "maybe to had to happen." She wrote in her journal which she left in klein sight, "thank God for Homewrecker, and also for Turkish." I felt it was as if she had split a normal r/s into two parts. Lover, and father of her children, but also friend and father figure. I didn't want anything of it, so 10 months after she moved out, I'm still establishing boundaries where she wants to be good friends and pretend to be a couple still doing weekely activities with the kids.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My mother is uBPD and she gave my dad the silent treatment for a month before announcing that she was moving out.

She called me to tell me she had left him and gave some utterly nonsensical reasons for leaving. They had never been happy together as long as I can remember and to be honest I was kind of relived that it was over.

Of course mum played the victim and told me (as usual) about how dad had always been looking at other women and had never made her feel loved and all the rest of it. Dad for his part gave his usual "I won't talk bad about your mother"

Fast forward a year and dad is happier than I've ever seen him with a lovely new girlfriend,  mum also has a new partner and she's just as miserable with him.

My mother is also uBPD and a serious hypochondriac.  When I was 15 I came home from school and the house was empty.  She had taken my two sisters and left me and dad to continue on our own.  Her excuse for not telling me is that I would have told my dad before she was able to leave.  My dad is a classic narcissist and could be violent so it is no wonder she left.  This wasn't the first time either.  Anyway - the real reason she didn't take me was that she was in "love" with another guy and me and this other guy never got on at all.  The parents got back together again after 6 months.  The are now divorced and my mother married another guy who she was having an affair with at work.  This marriage has lasted many years - however she is presently having an affair with an older guy who wants to marry her.  My sister told me this.  And my sister told me that my mother doesn't want to marry this older guy she is sleeping with because she doesn't fancy him!

I have dated several ladies with BPD.  Why?  Because for me the crazy was simply normal - I grew up with it.  I didn't recognise a disorder.

For those of you out there struggling to give up on the love you have for your exBPDgf or exBPDbf - take it from someone who was raised in the world of the personality disorder - the relationship was never going to last.  It won't last with your replacement.  It won't last with your replacement's replacement.  They are like ghosts in search of a body to live in - they try one on for a while, then discard it just as they discarded you.  Because it isn't their own.

[SlyQQ]

been a really weird. intese day: cldnt stop crying, just had a big long session with 1 of the nurses, haven't bin talking 2 ne1, kids family, otha people, u. Need 2 get out of this, I knew it when I came in. I hope this going to make it betta... Sorry, I 'm trying to get ova it. Hope yr day went well. I need 2 get ova this, hopefully it'll all start 2 make sense n i'll pick up. Restarting tms mon /tues, stopped it the the otha day until I cld 'wind down" a bit. Hope that xplains sum of this s***,luv n xs

I had put my partner in hospital for bi polar treatment ( hadn't heard of BPD then ) Recieved this text when I had met the kids hers mine an ours on holidays just before christmas at a nearby beach destination I had to travell back an forth week on week of for work other family commitments to our family home but this time went straight to the "coast" we had been together ten turbulent years an had one child together as well as her three an my two half time ( long story) Long story short she had told the nursing staff I was abusing her and had with the help of a nanny who worked on weekends an had not really met me was emptying out the house to move north an was in the new house with her new boyfriend ( who she intended to marry an have a child with ) when she wrote this text Yes there were signs but she covered her tracks well for the unsuspecting Found out the next day when the nanny helping her tumbled something was wrong an rang me with the news yes I was supprised and an avo was filed against me before the day was out ( the kids refused her's and ours to go to her ) 

[peiper]

It was actually shocking.  She had threatened getting divorced a few times. But it was manipulation to try to keep me in line with what she wanted. In fact it was myself that brought up divorce first and then she turned it around as a tool to beat me with. She had done six splits in the first year. But I married her anyway. At five months we went to Maui. No fights while we were there. I got home first due to seating and having to work the next day. Sent her a text that I was going to take a nap and would cook steaks when she arrived. When she did arrive she woke me up in a complete rage saying she was getting a divorce. Turned out that she'd been cheating a month after we were married and maybe earlier.  I glad she's gone now. I would have tried to work through anything. But cheating is a deal breaker and I will not abide it.

[Dutched]

Hi Randy,

Exw ended abruptly a 30+ yrs. r/s. in a blink of an eye due to my remark to my daughter (“I wished you had made some more of that tea”) during a family gathering.

Exw not diagnosed (refused in 2008 to see a Psychiatrist), considered by me as High Functioning (according to your list and that of others).

Many years back. As late teenager exw broke with her family in a uncontrollable emotional outburst, left her family within a week, no goodbye or so and refused any contact for a small decade.

During these 30+ yrs. I kept now and then asking about it, her reasons, feelings then/now. She only briefly answered.  

* she was hurt, deeply hurt as her parents didn’t want to give in.

* parents tried to speak but she refused and blocked everything emotional

* she was punished and ‘chained’ so badly that one option was left, to flee, anywhere.    

* she blamed her mom for being in bed when she left early in the morning (over and over again she mentioned this. As THE reason to split black).

* when in sorrow, she resurfaced her bad memories from her youth in order to justify her steps

* she kept focussed on her “new life”, avoiding pain to surface.

* in bed she cried for a 2-3 yrs., bud got “fed up” with it, so “decided” to close the door permanently

In her diary she was open/honest (“the one” to trust) about it. That decade was a huge burden, which got heavier by every year. Enormous shame and guild also towards her brothers/sisters. Shame toward other family and friends she also cut off. After reconciliation she and her family never spoke a word about it,  just as if it was never happened! However the burden continues to grow up to this day since the day her father died.

The r/s went on, seemingly no quarrels, seemingly normal, but strange twists in thinking (arguments were draining for me, circular without any logic, words didn’t match with actions (however not direct lying), blaming and excusing. A tendency of the victim continuously to be rescued.

Kids (2) were born and the dormant behaviour disappeared within a few yrs. Kids became a reason of irritation, frustration due to losing grip/control as they got older (tension to hold them tight and their development into an individual self). Absolutely that exw was a good mother in taking care, though her emotional support was less… (as exhibited in her final outburst; son crying, mother looking cold as ice from a distant blaming me, who was comforting him)

A 10 yrs. before the end exw suddenly used a weekend holiday to total devalue me (not being a father, husband, not taking care of the fam., etc). As a result of that weekend we went into couples therapy. No single of her complaints as expressed during that weekend were addressed. Exw just refused to.

A 2 yrs of relatively rest followed, later outbursts every 3 to 5 months, even with physical violence. Either stating ‘I can’t coop with this anymore’, or directly ‘I stop this r/s!’ (incl. the ultimate one 6 times).  

A 4 yrs. before the break up I started to re-read my diaries and discovered a pattern which I discussed with my P (as all problems were caused by me). My P made me to join a support group, to read and learn to canalize her behaviour in order to coop with it for my sanity, that of the kids and the family as whole. Resulting in more family peace, outbursts minimized to once a yr., back to the old days so to speak.

In the meantime 2nd time couples therapy (Gestalt), helped to see each other role in the r/s . However the moment a subject became emotional confronting for exw the session had to be stopped due to anxiety and deep fear of showing herself. At home only then she could address it to me.  

However also the period exw refused treatment. Also the period exw said ‘the family doctor ordered me to say that when I stop our r/s in an outburst it is not true, but it’s because of my emotions’… A week later exw blew it up again, denying what she said before.

Anyway, Saturdays we shopped and walked hand in hand, Sunday it was over (‘I can’t stand this anymore! I will temporarily leave for my rest! O, and the kids come with me!’). No closure possible, no “normal” end of the r/s, kids totally overwhelmed, etc.

As during previous outbursts, in which she stopped, I was holding firm on my saying ‘you stop, so you leave the house’.

Exw never told me she wanted a divorce (had to ask for her plans), took her 8 months to file.

Exw up to today never said goodbye (refused twice my hand, instead saying ‘but… uhh…when all is over we can start to do fun things again’).

Exw hided and refused all contact special concerning my (then still minor) son. Didn’t even attended his graduation 2 times.

Lost my daughter in the process too. NC for a 3 yrs now (as she wrote ‘I rather live with grieve not seeing you than grieving as you can’t coop with my expectations’). Seems daughter is exhibiting her ‘temperament’ ( ‘copy’ of mother…  but ‘it runs’ in a way in mothers (so exw) family, her mother, sister, brother).

Recently there was a poll about the duration of the r/s. Only about 10% lasted more than 21 yrs. A conclusion  might be justified that the partners were of midlife age (in my case exw early 50 now, me mid 50). Somewhere I once found the following about that:

  Abrupt departures during mid-life are particularly significant, because while she could have been exhibiting borderline symptoms for decades, these may become far more pronounced during marked hormonal changes, such as pre- or peri-menopause… . which can easily catalyze more acting-out behaviours.

[Seriously?]

My husband and I got married on Valentines Day this year, 2014. By April, he was at least contacting other women on a dating website.  In May, he graduated from college and we (really me) had purchased a car so he could work in his chosen field. By mid-July, he was gone. It started toward the end of May with him starting serious arguments over insignificant things and asking if we made a mistake in getting married. I remember saying to him once that he seemed so unhappy with me and it was breaking my heart. Now I understand more about this disorder, I recognize it all started because he was ashamed of his own actions and projected that onto me. He even said he was looking on websites for other women because he knew I would put him out eventually. That part was probably true. He most likely had a real fear of that. It was not based on reality. I was right by his side and head over heels for him. The night it ended was because he ended up physically shoving me. He tried to come home a few times,  but refused to go to counseling. When I declined him coming home without any steps taken in the right direction first, he called me names and said I am the one who doesn't want our marriage. I spoke to him the last time in September when he told me quite calmly that he never loved me. I filed for divorce on grounds of adultery the next day. I had heard nothing from him at all and he did not even answer the divorce complaint until last week. Now, the final hearing date is canceled and we are supposed to do discovery for the next three months. I have never had so much anger toward anyone in my whole life.  This experience has changed the way I view and interact with others.  I am having a hard time forgiving him because it all affected me so profoundly. I prayed for months for him to come to his senses. I believe God has made it clear to me that the miracle was getting out when I did before my husband could further abuse me. I still miss the way he was during idealization, sometimes to the point of tears.

[Ripped Heart]

I met my ex-wife, within 2 weeks she proposed to me and within 4 months we were married.

I felt things were moving far too quickly and broke off the r/s after first month but then got blindsided by her, her daughter and her mother and guilt took over. Despite that, tried to make things work for the best part of a year, she was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive and justified this by the fact I ended the r/s in the beginning and guilt kept me there.

Was working away when the end started, got an email about something random that she needed my advice on. Was in a meeting at the time so didn't respond immediately, next email I got was that if I didn't respond in 30 mins she was going to the lawyer to get divorce papers. She finally agreed to calm down but only if I promised to start therapy because "all the problems in our relationship were my fault" so I did. We saw the therapist together and then he told her he didn't need to see her anymore and just wanted to see me. That's when I found out she had a host of Cluster B personality disorders including BPD and NPD and that I wasn't the root cause of the problems.

Still, using the tools I was learning with Therapist things seemed to settle down for a month. Then out of the blue she hit me with divorce papers and wanted me out the next day. The irony being she said it was because she loved me and that if we remain close friends, we can get married again in the future.

I left the following morning and she went ballistic, raged at Therapist and threatened to have him shut down. She blamed him for plotting with me to leave her and threatened to call the police if I ever contacted her again. I went NC straight away and haven't made contact in 3 years despite her keep trying. Therapist upgraded her to psychopath in the end too.

[beachtalks]

My BpdEx husband (medically diagnosed) asked for a divorce and I finally gave it to him.  I didn't want it, as I wanted us to get help and fight for our marriage, but he saw me through a very threatening lens. He said that if we didn't divorce he would probably hurt me really bad.  He thought I was evil, a liar and a cheater. It was a shocking accusation considering I was totally loyal to him and gave more to this relationship than to any before.  When he met me I was extremely worldly, an erotic novelist living in a houseboat, just returned from the Greek Islands, and with a plethora of handsome and successful male friends.  I dressed in sexy feminine clothes and did as I pleased.  After two years with my BPDhusband, I was almost unrecognizable.  I changed my dress, gave up my male friends, stopped going to parties, even had my husband's name tattooed on all of my fingers at his demand (I know, cray-cray, huh?).  He became physically violent and even attempted to strangle me twice.   Although these things bothered me greatly, what scared me most was the idea that he might get a good attorney before I could and get partial custody of our son, since I was a stay at home mother with no income.  I was granted free attorney services, followed through with his request and divorced him and got full custody of our son, with no visitations allowed for him unless a cop is present.  He tried to postpone the divorce, but I wouldn't budge. He sends constant mixed messages and my gut tells me he loves me, and my brain reminds me, "Sure, he may love you, but not enough!"  So this has become my mantra.  He spent most of our marriage behind bars, as I always called the cops on him when he hit me.  He blames me for everything bad in his life.  He still is contacting me from time to time, trying to find excuses to see me or to fight with me, but there is no apology or accountability yet.  He has been in a rehab for several months and honestly only seems to have gotten worse in his self-righteous attitude and lack of accountability. I was lucky to get out when I did.  I really don't think change will happen for him any time soon.  Perhaps in ten years or so.  When we were together there was a light in his eyes, but now he just seems like an arrogant hater when I glance at his facebook profile.  I don't think he's happy.  I will be shocked to learn any other woman will tolerate the half of what I tolerated with him, although he is attractive, and if he could convince me, chances are he might convince another.  I am making new guy friends, occasionally going out for lunch, but I'm not emotionally free from my ex.  As Selena Gomez sings, "There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants... ."  I am finally at the point where I've separated facts from feelings and just try and ride them out until they pass.  It's a step by step, day to day, progressive process of letting go, and I've come a long way.  And that's the best that I can do for now.

[Xidion]

No offense at all to anyone here, but reading your stories of marrying a BPD really makes me feel better. I proposed to mine, and the plan was to get married, but she left before it ever happened. My heart is still letting go of the memories, but my brain is thanking God that I do not have to endure anymore craziness.

[AwakenedOne]

I loved my uBPD wife during the four years and tried many things in the attempt to save our marriage. Nothing helped. I was suprised when I was just tossed away though. Even more suprised that I never heard from her again after that. I had thought at least our marriage had love in it. She became more abusive as the marriage went on. This ranged from breaking stuff to attacking me. She would plead for forgiveness with tears flowing up untill the last month or so when she was just calling me by the name "F*cker" constantly. I wasn't putting up with being called that and actually me not tolerating that caused the final cards to be played by her. She and her mother had a creepy and weird relationship (covert incest?) that put a strain, damaged or possibly even destroyed our relationship. I heard her call her mom the pet name she gave me once. I feel as though she cheated on me with her mom. When we came back from our honeymoon I should of understood something is wrong when her mom made some remarks that intimated that she was jealous of my affections toward her and our time spent away from her mom. What a weird 4 years. There were many good and even great times though. Looking back our relationship was a romance drama, horror movie and a cartoon all rolled into one.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

The irony being she said it was because she loved me and that if we remain close friends, we can get married again in the future.

My BPD to English tool translates this as:  I have found a new toy but if we remain friends and it doesn't work out with new toy then we can get back together if I can't find another new toy.

Looks like you were lucky with a switched on therapist there.

[Dutched]

 When we were together there was a light in his eyes, but now he just seems like an arrogant hater when I glance at his facebook profile.  I don't think he's happy.

It is fair to believe that every break up causes a lot of pain for any person. So the sadness/grieve one shows (eyes, facial expression, mood, etc) is noticeable for the people around you.

In these cases it seems, and I relate to that as well as posted by many others, that even years after a break up in a way the ex can’t find their baseline anymore.

Seemingly it doesn’t matter the r/s was short or long, their eyes expresses their grieve, the face behind a “happy mask” of moving on, but suppressing their inner turmoil.

Seemingly we were ‘the best ever happened to me’… 

Recently I posted my experience with exw, whom I met face to face after a 4 yrs. and who is in a new r/s (so one expects… happiness, sparkling eyes and matching bodylanguage, etc.)

Exw early 50 in a r/s  with a UK guy age 65 (a GREAT-grandpa), fled from the UK to mainland Europe after several yrs. moving around in a camper, fat as a Michelin puppet.

From a low social class (typical rebelling in early/mid 60ties, expressing it by ordinary tattoos, totally disgusting and contempt in those days).

A grandpa who hooked a ‘next last soulmate’ with a house, comfort at cold nights and to be taken care of in his old days. A soother totally not interested in exw as he even failed to pick up exw subtle and desperate signs when I asked some questions that where confrontational (intentionally I did, to see her and soothers reaction)

Many confirmations, better validations for me.

There is no sparkling left in her eyes nor body language. 

Exw is not happy, exw is not in love only attached to supply.

Before the end, during her outbursts in which she stopped the r/s, I predicted her THIS outcome, to be hooked by “just someone”, ending up in a total affair down / a total downgrade. 

[Dutched]

No offense at all to anyone here, but reading your stories of marrying a BPD really makes me feel better. I proposed to mine, and the plan was to get married, but she left before it ever happened. My heart is still letting go of the memories, but my brain is thanking God that I do not have to endure anymore craziness.

I can imagine that Xidion and I absolutely don’t see it as an offense. 

It is a spectrum disorder and can imagine the 10% of us with a r/s longer that 21 yrs. (recent poll here) seemed to have an ex partner that functioned very well socially and professionally. In contrary, according the same poll, a 75% of the relations lasted a max of 5 yrs.  Not to suggest, prove or otherwise, but I think (despite the immense pain all of us suffered from) it’s an indication also of being in a r/s with one functioning in the low spectrum.

Strictly the r/s evolved at a normal speed. Involved with each other for a small year, nothing specific happened, nor clinging, nor talks about “later”, normal for that age as with a previous gf. (and yes being that age… in those ancient times… who was aware of). No not a red flag after that outburst towards exw parents and cutting them out of her life. Naïve? Maybe, in retrospect…

As no one of us on this Board, I never expected not to overcome the heavy bumps.

Reaching midlife is a period considered as definitive continuation (we made it this far together), counting all your blessings, looking back with a certain pride, kids leaving the nest, being grandparents one day, spending more and more time together, looking forward towards retirement to execute some dreams.

Maybe you got all in a short period, me in a at first creeping slow process accelerating beyond believe. 

[toomanytears]

I was thirty one years married.  My exh started to exhibit severe BPD behaviours 7 years ago but on reflection the red flags were there right from the start.  He proposed three days after we met and we married three months later. I thought I 'd found my mate for life. Such a great feeling after so much searching. We had many many happy times but I now know that he was shagging around for years. I think he had severe abandonment issues. Going through therapy helped me to climb out of the fog and I'm glad to be out of the madness but I deeply miss the good elements esp our family life which was better with our kids than either of us had as children. But as he got older he became more narcissistic... .Really quite an unpleasant person to be with but I never wanted not to be married so had hung on longer than I should have. And antidepressants helped to prolong my tolerance... .I don't think I'd ever have left him but in the end he left me having found a very unlikely replacement (quaker female). Message me if you want any more background or check out my past posts which trace the breakdown... .

[Randi Kreger]

What reasons did she give for leaving? You can just list them

[billypilgrim]

She made a list of things that occurred during the course of our r/s.  She sent me this list via email a couple of days after she left.  It tore me up at first but I've come to realize how much it speaks to the disorder. To me, each of these reasons point to times in which she felt abandoned by me.  What do you guys think, are these irreconcilable differences? Are these normal reasons for divorce?


-I didn't go to a couple of concerts 5 years ago.  We've been to 10 over the last 3 years.

-I wasn't in the mood for sex one time 4 years ago.  If I had a dollar for every time that was the other way around.

-She brought up the two fights that we had in which I stood up for myself.  She thought I left her after the first fight, which was 4 years ago.  And the second was earlier this year when I told her argument back to her and she realized how ridiculous it was.  She said I belittled her feelings and she could never forgive me for that.

-She said I made too many comments about her friends.  Yep.  You would too if you had to deal with the emotional fall out every time they hung out.

-I didn't go to her work functions with her.  This I don't really understand as I'm pretty sure I only missed 1 over 6 years together.

-And the kicker, my favorite one of all.  I didn't dance enough.

She closed by calling me uncompromising, uptight, introverted, and viewing the world in black and white.  These differences, according to her, were so "pronounced that we would be unable to go through life entwined as one."  She said she felt like we were two separate people living under one roof and that she didn't want to wake up lonely.  We spent almost every night together since the beginning of our r/s.  But yeah, in her mind, these are reasons enough for ending a marriage.

[Mutt]

She simply said its time to move on.

[Turkish]

Didn't feel the emotional connection anymore.

"You abandoned me, it felt just like my father!"

"I need someone to lead me and guide me."

"A woman of character needs a man of character. In that, you failed." (an email, after which I stopped all non business communications or conversations even though we lived together for 4 more months)

Despite that email, she wrote this in her journal a couple of months later, "Turkish is everything a woman could want in a man, but I still can't love him."

Watching a tv show, she said to S3, "look at them, I bet they're in love!"

After I caught her cheating, but she wouldn't stop, "Are you even in love with me?" She was crying. I couldn't honestly say yes at that point.

A core issue was a problem with intimacy. Nothing else seemed to matter to her as long as that was ok. Sex was always on her terms.

[cosmonaut]

My ex and I were never married, so please disregard if you are only interested in actually married couples.  We had planned to be married, but then she profoundly dysregulared and eventually left.  I actually think that the thought of marriage itself was a massive trigger for her.  I'm fairly certain of that.  She also has never been officially diagnosed, as far as I know, but there is no doubt in my mind that she has BPD.  She meets literally every one of the nine diagnostic criteria.  She is a definitive BPD waif, and I suppose I am a definitive co-dependent rescuer.

To maintain anonymity I will only share some of what she told me when she left.  She refused to see me in person and telephoned to end things.  This was after nearly a month of absolute silent treatment and my finally insisting that we had to talk about things.  She absolutely refused to see me in person saying that it would be too hard on her and "would only make the heartbreak worse".  I was beyond stunned.  We had never discussed ending the relationship previously, and I couldn't imagine anything I had done to cause her to want to do so.  In fact, I thought that I had bent over backwards to be understanding, patient, gentle, and loving with her, and had blamelessly endured many, many silent treatments throughout the 2 years we were together.  I knew that she was a very damaged woman even before we started dating and I suppose that made me very soft to her and I gave her every benefit of the doubt.  Her many issues and troubles had never changed a bit my love for her, and I had thought her love for me was just as complete.  So, I was floored and gutted when she said she was leaving.  I had never expected that was ever even a possibility.  She had always said previously that she loved me and would never leave me - that she would be "lost without" me - even in the worst of her past dysregulations.  I had always clung to this and had thought that love would win through in the end, and eventually we would resolve this together as a couple.

As to what she said:

-She couldn't do a relationship and she didn't even want to try anymore.  She said that she was "really messed up" and that I knew the reasons why from the many things she had shared with me.  She said she needed serious help.  I asked if she was getting any or going to get any and she said that she was talking to "some women about getting some help".

-She said that she wasn't going to change her mind and it didn't matter what I said or did, her mind was made up.

-There was nothing I had done or hadn't done that had caused her leaving.  She thought that I would make an incredible husband and begged me to find someone else who would love me in the way she couldn't.

-She said that she still loved me and always will and that we have a "special connection" we will never lose.

-She thanked me for always making her feel safe and loved and that she had never felt safe with a man before.

-She said she knew she was hurting me and she was truly sorry.  She still wasn't going to change her mind.

-She said she hadn't lied about all of the things she had previously told me about how we would be together forever, but that "things just changed".  She had meant everything she said "at the time".

-She insisted that there was no one else and that she couldn't do a relationship with anyone.  That she didn't think she was ever going to be happy.

-She had said that we could still be friends and that "you can call me".  One of the very last things she said was "we'll talk soon".  She never returned a single one of my calls and I've never heard from her again.

[milo1967]

My XW bounced back and forth between me and her new supply until I finally divorced her, she never really "left me."  But before I filed these were the reasons she cited as to why she could not commit solely to me:

I played too many video games (guess it would have been better had I hung out in strip clubs?)

I chewed too much nicotine gum (guess it would have been better had I smoked instead?)

I would not "let her" get leather seats eight years prior when we got a new car (I was opposed as we did not have much money and wanted to save for our future)

I did not "let her" go to Harvard Square eight years prior (I was exhausted after we'd had a wonderful day walking around Boston)

After she saw I was seriously divorcing her, her painting me black began in earnest. Suddenly her reasons changed:

Now I had raped her

Our children (and all children) were not safe around me

I was filled with rage

In hindsight, it was absurd. At the time, it was frightening.

[Aussie JJ]

I'll chip in here.  I wasn't married however we co-habitated for 2 years... .

The reasons for leaving me, all recorded from 2 or 3 conversations and in e-mail. 

I went from happy, to sad, to manic instantly.  I was uncontrollable. 

She couldn't control herself around me.  (note the opposite statements here)

I was bad for our son. 

I had abused her and was violent towards her. 

My family is dysfunctional, son needs to be protected from them. 

I had abandoned her and was unfaithful. 

The hardest thing is understanding the theory knowing that basically there is no changing unless she acknowledges these problems.  I actually feel weird understanding the theory, it is so easy to understand as I lived with the disorder if that adds up.  Just got all the "medical" files back through court orders and she has left out some major things, I have to let it run until depositions done so that contempt of court can be put in place.  Just got told that to get what I know out on the court record it will be another 20k in legal fees.  Basically, she is denying seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist.  Denying being hospitalised at the start of our relationship and whilst over seas. 

Denial is something that I think is core to all break up's as well as BPD.  Many of use here, myself included thought we could work through these problems and solve someone else's problems.  This is something that isn't talked about at all.  I know mine has been diagnosed due to using ice to 'handle her anxiety' and many other DBT skills she used to use.  Now they are non-existant.  Really quite sad. 

I choose to believe she isn't a bad person however the pain that this disorder inflicts on the person with it and those that love and care for them is unspeakable. 


AJJ. 

[cosmonaut]

Well, the nature of the internet being what it is, one has to assume that anything put on the internet will never leave the internet.  That's why posters and the site moderators take steps to anonymize posts here to prevent personally identifiable info being posted.  Hopefully, someone that wanted to reproduce something posted here would have the courtesy to request permission from the author, but the internet isn't always so polite.  That's probably why the site has the boilerplate in their terms of use - to protect themselves from this unpreventable reality.  I don't think that bpdfamily is a business and as far as I know isn't making any profit.  So, I don't think it is fair to compare the site to Facebook.  I don't think that our info is being sold as it most certainly is on Facebook.

Basically, everyone should take steps to protect their own anonymity as well as their loved one with BPD.  The internet remembers everything.

[ADecadeLost]

Hi there. I have no stories of people whose spouse left THEM, even though people tell me it is really common. Did that happen to you? How did it happen?

My dBPD wife (10 years together/6 married) filed for divorce about four months ago.  It is worth noting she has been in DBT since early 2013, however, so that may be an additional factor separating my story from some of the others.  She had been out of town for work for three months at the time and, after a visit, informed me she needed a few weeks to decide what she wanted in life.  At the end of two weeks of agreed upon NC, she called to inform me she would be flying home to file divorce.

Were you surprised?

No.  The dynamic of our relationship changed in the 18 months since she began DBT.  While she still insisted that she loved me, any sort of intimate relationship had ground to a halt by August 2013.  She then began spending more and more time out of the country (more than six of the following twelve months away).  During the final three months away, she began partying with old friends every night, and it became increasingly apparent that our marriage had become an afterthought to her.

Had the spouse threatened many times or did it come out of the blue?

Prior to beginning DBT, threats of divorce seemed to occur about twice a year on average.  They were baseless, and I stopped reacting to them after the first few episodes.  Occasionally she would go so far as packing her bags, but usually returned within a few hours.  I generally just contacted her family during these instances and asked them to keep tabs on her.

Since DBT, the only prior threats to the actual divorce happened when her T decided to remove her from her medication early on.  It was a brutal 30 day span with her storming out a number of times.  Thankfully, he put her back on her medication once he realized she would not be able to handle DBT without it.

Did you want to stay or were you glad to see it end?

Initially, both.  After all those years of effort, seeing the relationship slip away.  Especially, when I had so much hope that DBT would help.  At the same time, she had put me through enough over the years that I was ready to move on.  I had reached my limit and had time to reflect during her absence over the prior 12 months.  Though I still loved her, I knew I couldn't expose myself to the emotional roller coaster anymore.

What reasons did she give for leaving? You can just list them

-Wasn't attracted to me anymore (this varied/still varies day-to-day)

-Blamed me for living in a place she hated (said the same thing about every place we lived over the years)

-Blamed me for her career struggles (I employed her as she quit every other job she managed to get)

-Accused me of not loving her anymore

-Just needed something different in her life