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Author Topic: Almost Three Weeks NC  (Read 572 times)
NonAverageJoe
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« on: December 20, 2014, 08:49:46 PM »

Tomorrow will be three weeks NC from my suspected but undiagnosed high functioning BPD/NPD EX-GF. She came back from a little over a month with her parents on a Saturday late November. I saw bad texts by accident the next day, she begged me to stay, the next day (Monday)she stayed out all night. Back and forth all week I caught her in lies. I ended things that Friday.

She feigned that it wasn't what she wanted etc. etc. So many inconsistencies and lies. The next night, I gave her an opportunity to prove me wrong, she proved me right my replacement was in the car, he told me they had been seeing each other for awhile and when pushed "two weeks". She was cold callous etc.

I did zero begging and pleading beyond tearfully trying to get her to prove me wrong that Saturday, when I was proved right I was done.

I was set to move the next day, she would very coldly text me "are you out yet?" "I'm sending (friend) to get my dog". I was already not speaking to her and I had my Mother communicating with her. I had help moving.

Long story short, she came back to discover I had taken something that was a mutual purchase (a bed) and she called the cops. The cops made fun of her and helped me move out.

What followed was a string of harassment and texts about little things that I either took accidentally or did not have. Threats, police reports (I knocked over a few things when I found out I was right) and the only time I broke NC without her initiation was about exchange of stuff because she had mentioned stuff I had forgotten. (Books and paperwork for one of my jobs)

It wasn't a perfect relationship and though I'm self-aware I have some NPD tendencies and I am actively trying to be a better person. As the fog cleared I realized so many things about her and how much emotional abuse I suffered. (I actively post on another major Heartbreak/Improvement forum online)

Our last interactions include her rubbing the new guy in my face (he always wants to hold me blah blah blah) yet denying sex, cheating etc. plus rewriting the history of our relationship, calling me crazy and a blood-curdling scream when I refused to accept her distorted telling of reality, having the new guy text me from her phone (supposedly) and following me outside when I dropped stuff off at her door only to text me hours later saying she "won't be dropping off my stuff because she doesn't have it, please stop communicating with her, thanks for dropping off my stuff" and texting me the next day after I told her Mother what happened and how ridiculous she was being (one text).

I stopped responding then. I actually found a couple of her things buried deep within my stuff yesterday (slowly unpacking as I'm working seven days a week) and dropped it off outside her apartment when nobody was home.

She lied to me about so many things and disrespected me in a way that I can not fully come to terms with yet. The rewriting of history, the text that didn't need to be sent, the following me outside it's all like some insane scramble for control. I'm not some beta shmuck though there were times her emotional abuse got to me and I was turning things around for her and I before she came back and before all this went down and she didn't even notice. We had fought a lot while she was on vacation but in the end I think she was messing around there too. So many things are now becoming clear.

She would rub things in my face that she had done but NOTHING was ever good enough unless it was done her way, nothing I did for her ever added up. Her need to try and tell me what to do in that last texts and attempt to define my reality was so disgusting. She was a crazy hard worker but I now see why. She was younger than I (7 years) but she lied about that too when we got together.

I guess I'm posting here because it's been really quiet after a lot of chaos. She moved my replacement in after I left. The one time I tried to give normal closure and a civil send off before the FOG cleared, her best "attempt" at an apology was "me too bye" and I now realize what sort of crazy person I was dealing with. The very next day she was right back to picking a fight (this was the phone call 4 days after it all went down and 4 days before my last initiated contact 3 weeks ago tomorrow)

This girl was amazing when good and could be a complete raging female dog when not. The last week I endured spitting, devaluation etc.

I would fight with her when she'd be raging and fight her to the point of her tears. I have many regrets but I know I need to heal now.

I would like some advice and some perspective in addition to an idea as to if I'll have to worry about her initiating contact again. I've blocked on FB but turned off the filter on my phone so I won't keep checking for an apology that is never going to come. Her extreme denial and rage in addition to her lashing out even after I had stopped or lashing out with things she knew would hurt me when I was trying to be quick and to the point by arranging stuff drop offs with no interaction.
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« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2014, 11:56:56 PM »

 Welcome

Hi NonAverageJoe,

You went through a lot

There are chances she may try to re-initiate contact or you may not hear from her a long period. It's hard to say.

I can relate. My ex moved in with the boyfriend she had in our marriage. She would contact me in divisive exchanges and had extinction bursts, I was bewildered with the behaviors. She was goading me with how things were much better with him. Hurtful stuff.

It's not to say your ex will, often members here have experienced them. Are you familiar with extinction bursts?

How are you coping in NC?
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2014, 12:02:21 AM »

I'm not familiar with extinction bursts though I have an idea as to what they could be. Please, elaborate.

I'm coping well. I try to remind myself she is sick. She has at one time or another displayed 9/9 of the DSM criteria and frequently used all or nothing statements, picked fights over nothing, lied for stupid reasons, gave gifts to people she barely knew or to get them to like her.

I'm sober for 6.5 years now. I had just taken another job to provide a great Christmas for her and I am just working 7 days a week going to make my dreams come true. When I heard, "I can do better than you." it hurt more than the prospect of being lied to and cheated on. It's not true and I refuse to let this break me.

Considering the theme of all of her contact (control, revenge etc.) it's hard to see where her head was at. The last time she contacted me I know it was because I told her Mother, I imagine her Mother didn't take my side but probably asked about it and that caused her to react and try to project on to me.

I ignored that and the contact the previous day after she had followed me outside and I took off like hell.

I swear she has driven by my work at least once though I could be paranoid. If I go near the part of town we lived together or do something for the first time without her I get a flashback.

I've been through break ups but this one was so much more different. My mind continues to become more and more clear and I realize just how much emotional abuse I was suffering.
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« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2014, 12:21:57 AM »

I'm happy to hear you're 6.5 years sober  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

When I heard, "I can do better than you." it hurt more than the prospect of being lied to and cheated on.

I understand. I think you have a good idea with not letting it break you. It's OK to feel the hurt though. Go through the pain and not around it.

A behavior a pwBPD displays is dissociations. Dissociation is altering reality to match their out of place feelings. She feels shame and guilt for cheating and will dissociate those feelings by altering reality.


The last time she contacted me I know it was because I told her Mother, I imagine her Mother didn't take my side but probably asked about it and that caused her to react and try to project on to me.

I agree. Blood is thicker than water.

If I go near the part of town we lived together or do something for the first time without her I get a flashback.

Flashbacks or PTSD symptoms?

My mind continues to become more and more clear and I realize just how much emotional abuse I was suffering.

I can relate as many members do. The mind will clear up and you'll feel better.

Here's an article on extinction bursts.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2014, 12:53:52 AM »

I gave her multiple opportunities to come clean, and one opportunity to make things right and not leave but he was in the car with her so it was done.

I don't know about the shame or the guilt, hard to tell she rewrote history pretty hard and was cold/callous the last time we actually spoke in person.

I don't get the following me outside when I dropped her stuff off as per our arrangement and then withholding my stuff claiming she no longer had it. I assume it's control. I've been told it's probably just being held hostage for future contact which makes me want to puke.

She's with my replacement and yet she's holding my crap hostage. I keep dropping her stuff off, including things I don't need to. Her calling the cops and filing a report over a pill bottle I spilled was just so insulting and disgusting.

Within a week it's, "I want to marry you you're the love of my life." to cheating on me and splitting me the blackest of black and going out of her way to hurt me.

More PTSD symptoms though I get flashbacks to her raging.
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2014, 02:28:28 AM »

I gave her multiple opportunities to come clean, and one opportunity to make things right and not leave but he was in the car with her so it was done.

Kudos to you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). I only wish I was this resolute.
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NYMike
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« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2014, 07:33:52 AM »

I gave her multiple opportunities to come clean, and one opportunity to make things right and not leave but he was in the car with her so it was done.

I don't know about the shame or the guilt, hard to tell she rewrote history pretty hard and was cold/callous the last time we actually spoke in person.

I don't get the following me outside when I dropped her stuff off as per our arrangement and then withholding my stuff claiming she no longer had it. I assume it's control. I've been told it's probably just being held hostage for future contact which makes me want to puke.

She's with my replacement and yet she's holding my crap hostage. I keep dropping her stuff off, including things I don't need to. Her calling the cops and filing a report over a pill bottle I spilled was just so insulting and disgusting.

Within a week it's, "I want to marry you you're the love of my life." to cheating on me and splitting me the blackest of black and going out of her way to hurt me.

More PTSD symptoms though I get flashbacks to her raging.

Hi There.

I am sorry you are in pain and confusion over this.It really does hurt a lot to think someone says I love you with all my heart and I want to marry you and 2 days later they are calling the police and hate you.Mine did the same thing.It was so confusing to me and painful.I started to lose grip of my own ''reality''.That is a scary place to be.I got very sick over this and I have now lost 35 lbs.

I do not have all the answers.I myself have 20 years sober.So Congrats on staying sober through this difficult time.

Mine is holding me hostage and will not come get her things out of my home.The police even contacted her to make arrangements and still no word.I have it all packed nice it is labeled and I took pictures and inventory.Then she put an Order Of Protection on me to make more DRAMA.

Hang in there and I finally opened my eyes that NC is the answer to all of this.Yes I love a mentally ill woman with all my heart and care a lot.But I just can't do it anymore and I can't ''fix'' it like I thought I could.They seem to love being unstable,full of drama and just can't do well in a stable comitted environment.They seem to love chaos in there life.

Letting go is the answer but very hard to do.Keep coming back and you may want to join the 90 NC challenge.

Please keep sharing with us.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2014, 12:47:30 PM »

It's easy to stay NC knowing that she cheated on me, probably more than I know of, lied to me, spit on me, assaulted me and called the cops when I didn't do what she said, she deliberately said things to hurt me and even refused to return my belongings.

Today is my third week NC and nineteen days without contact from her. I believe this is a case of never speak again because I never backed down except over the stuff at the end, I didn't want anymore drama.
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« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2014, 04:12:22 PM »

I don't get the following me outside when I dropped her stuff off as per our arrangement and then withholding my stuff claiming she no longer had it. I assume it's control. I've been told it's probably just being held hostage for future contact which makes me want to puke.

She may be keeping your things because she's not letting go. A pwBPD lack impulse control and consequences of one's action and learning from them. It's this push / pull behavior that has you feeling like you're walking on eggshells.

NYMike mentioned the police contacted his ex. Have you called the cops to get your things out or given thought to calling them? Everyone's ex is different, she may relinquish your belongings. Is she withholding things of value?
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2014, 06:04:37 PM »

Several hundred dollars worth of books and some identity sensitive paperwork for work that may or may not be required in the future. Small chance like one percent.

I just don't want to react. The books can be replaced.

If I've been replaced and she is refusing to let go then I don't even understand why she would have brought them up threatening to have my replacement drop it off. I don't think she quite grasps that despite my efforts and actions I'm done with her and she lost me not the other way around.

Either way, I refuse to react now. She may have to deal with my main place of employ soon if she does not pay her bill there, I saved her thousands and she could lose her car over it so I may experience backlash over that. I'm not going to accept her projections at all not even going to refute anything. I will not respond to anything short of I'm sorry or I was wrong/need help and I will kindly say I forgive you please seek therapy, sobriety, abstinence and solitude.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2014, 10:52:42 PM »

The urge to lash out just cropped up. I'm shooting it down. She doesn't deserve any attention from me.
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« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2014, 10:56:16 PM »

Joe,  I'm right there with you man.  I'm 21 days no contact after being replaced. She's already ina relationship with him and idealizing him. I've had so many weak moments where I wanted to contact her, but it would do no good at all. Stay strong,  brother.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2014, 11:13:18 PM »

My sole source of solace is the fact that I never backed down, I didn't accept her projections I didn't defend when she tried to call me immature or define how things would go.

I've been the better person. Selfish to a point but nowhere near as petty. My Mother is convinced the holidays will trigger her in someway. She is knowledgeable about mental illness but she thinks it's very wise for me to get out of town for Christmas.

I'm three weeks NC thirty days from the breakup, there were five days NC mostly consecutive the first week too.

The things she said were so delusional. The way she followed me those last two texts, she's living in psycho land with nothing but enablers surrounding her.
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Xidion
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« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2014, 11:16:25 PM »

I know all too well about enablers.  Her step mom buys into all her lies and supports her no matter what she does. Whether it's reckless or not. I doubt I hear from mine on holidays. She is wrapped up with the replacement.  She has done some very noticeable drive bys,  though. At my work and even at a friends house several miles away.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2014, 11:19:07 PM »

In my paranoia I think that she drove by once. I've had some phantom views on my dating profile and I get weird texts from spammers but that is it.
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Xidion
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« Reply #15 on: December 21, 2014, 11:26:33 PM »

Can't figure out crazy... .
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« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2014, 11:30:57 PM »

Hi NonAverageJoe,

I can relate. I was the type that never backed down. My ex taught me many valuable lessons. One lesson was of less resistance and accepting how things are. Perhaps you may learn this lesson.

It's absolutely alright to feel angry at her. Wounds need time to heal. Anger is a part of the 5 stages of grieving. You suffered loss.

Excerpt
“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong. ~Lao Tzu

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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2014, 12:02:08 AM »

The nerve of some of the retarded things she said and did when she could have just broken up with me and I'd have walked away. The nerve of her justification, the nerve of the hate and anger when she was in the wrong.

I returned her laptop freshly back from the warranty place and she can't even give me my damn books back. God almighty I want to go back to the acceptance/forgiveness state of things.
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« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2014, 12:05:33 AM »

I understand. It's frustrating when we act kindly towards a loved one and that act of kindness is invalidated. It's hurtful when someone doesn't act accordingly. It's OK to be angry. The feelings shall pass in time.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2014, 12:07:27 AM »

It's not even about accordingly it's about acting with an ounce of damn decency. I gave her a clean split. She didn't get everything her way but she also didn't get cheated on and I didn't attempt to play her like a sucker.
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« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2014, 12:08:40 AM »

It's not even about accordingly it's about acting with an ounce of damn decency. I gave her a clean split. She didn't get everything her way but she also didn't get cheated on and I didn't attempt to play her like a sucker.

You took the high road NonAverageJoe.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2014, 12:10:03 AM »

I'm so mad right now out of nowhere. I'm so irritated and disgusted that I had sex with her or loved her. Yet I still hope she gets help someday.
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« Reply #22 on: December 22, 2014, 12:17:02 AM »

I can relate. I was hurt when my ex left. Anger can be a mask for hurt. That being said, I worked with a P then a T to sort of check-in once in awhile. It really helped. Are you seeing a T? I used the boards as well during this time.

2 short/simple things on the subject that I was told:

Anger is really masked hurt - once you let the hurt out, the anger will subside.

Resentment is equal to me taking poison and expecting you to die - not really helpful.

Anger is a healthy and necessary STAGE - but not a good place to live.  Anger will cause us to act in a way that usually protects us for the short term.  Get to the root and we get to the hurt.

SELF-AWARE: Has the anger gone too far?

I also felt I wanted her to get help. It took time for me to work through the anger stage and grieve the loss of a relationship. Reading about the disorder helped to make sense of what I had gone through and depersonalize her behaviors. It takes time. Taking care of yourself is important when we suffer loss.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2014, 12:26:00 AM »

Her deliberate attempts to hurt me were evil. Disorder or not. Straight evil.

I'm ready to be over this.
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« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2014, 12:31:20 AM »

How'd she hurt you? I understand she kept your things. It helps to get things off of our chest with people that share similar experiences.
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NonAverageJoe
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« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2014, 12:35:35 AM »

She cheated on me, she came home after staying out all night and tried to kiss me I brushed her off stating I didn't know where her mouth had been.

She tried to play me for a sucker and get me to stay another month, she tried to feign that she didn't want to break up, she called the cops on me for taking the bed in both of our names (my credit is NOT going to be in somebody else's hands and she is not going to bang other dudes on my bed), she filed police reports, she deliberately tried to hurt me after I was already NC and TRIED to be civil and wish her well despite my pain.

She followed me outside when I dropped the stuff off and when I drove off hours later she claimed she no longer had my stuff because I didn't talk to her? Because I wouldn't beg? Because I called her on all of her BS?

How stupid do you get? Apparently as dumb as me to believe all of the crap, to excuse her lies early on thinking she just liked me so much she would have said anything to impress me. I'm so irritated at myself. I took her back once and she probably was banging other dudes then, that is when the devaluing began full steam.

All the lies, emotional infidelity, physical infidelity so much drama. She could have walked away cleanly so many times but she chose to always play games claim she wanted to date but not live together. Un-friggin-real.
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« Reply #26 on: December 22, 2014, 12:45:21 AM »

Lying and infidelity's tough.

Don't be hard on yourself.
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« Reply #27 on: December 22, 2014, 12:52:36 AM »

I want to be completely moved on now. I want to be over this. I want this bad.
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« Reply #28 on: December 22, 2014, 01:14:33 AM »

I'm sorry to hear of your pain
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« Reply #29 on: December 22, 2014, 01:21:40 AM »

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.
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