What now?

[JRT]

I am struggling to determine if my ex fiance’ is a BPD or ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic), both or flavors of both.

We had been together for 2 years and generally had a very good relationship and arguing very little if at all (though, when we did, she brought atomic bombs to a street fight…more on that in a sec). We decided to get married and she had moved in to my house with my daughter and I in late August while her 17 year old son moved into his dads house.

As I had done before several times during our relationship, I had taken a business trip out of town. In the morning, I had received the usual type of text from her. Several hours later, however, I had received one that said ‘our relationship is over….I have moved out….do not try to contact me’.  Like anyone else would have done in this situation, I attempted to contact her. She blocked my calls and texts…also on her sons phone. I then attempted to contact family members and friends. She then sent a text that threatened to call the police (though I realize they would have done little or nothing) if I attempted to contact other family or friends.

Later that evening, I called from the unblocked hotel phone but only received voice mail. I noticed that evening that she unfriended me on social media, blocked me actually, unfriended all of my friends (except my best buddies wife, crazy and hostile to me for some reason….and to her husband actually) and successfully compelled her family and friends to unfriend or block me as well.

I found later that I was also blocked on email but successfully sent a message from an account that I little used so she did not know about it to block; ‘We are better than this, let’s talk’. This was met with a threat to seek a PPO against me if I attempted to contact her again.  I waited a few weeks and sent her a letter which was returned ‘refused’ and unopened.

Meanwhile she had left an incredible amount of valuable things here and I wonder if this was just an oversight or if it were an open back door for her to contact me as I find that many BPD seem to do. She had actually done something similar in the past up to 4 or 5 times. Here is the template: a trivial non-issue sets her off and storms off, runs is a better word. Some time goes by, 4 hours to a month. Then I receive an email from her with some unfinished business (she managed my website, ‘here is your logon’). Then an angry phone call (chief among her complaints was that I got back on the dating site on where she and I had met)…... working hard to calm her and converse we then agree to meet. By her own description, he admits that just upon mere sight of me, that the episode ends right there and then and ‘all is right with the world’. She concludes by insisting that she has problems, that she is bad at relationships and needs to ‘see someone’.  I promise to help her work things out and the entire incident gets swept under the rug until the next one.

Now, I am not sure I know what to think. I spoke with her dad a couple of times who acknowledges that she is seeing a therapist (I was VERY glad for that). I sent her a xmas card last week so that she doesn’t conclude that I have not abandoned her (I am dammed if I do and also if I don’t!). Other than seeing her ne’er do well son at the mall (who swore at me. Incredibly insulting after a HUGE amount of sacrifice and effort I made on his behalf), I have heard nothing although I have reason to suspect that there is an emotional  s*^t storm going on on her end.

I have finally come to this site as the manner in which she broke up seems to be related to BPD folks and their approach (although I would go along with her being a ‘waif’ as she was not outwardly angry although I sensed that she wanted to, if that makes sense). But I can also see her as an ACOA in terms of everything except the breakup.

This has been the biggest surprise of my life and I have had some really crazy things happen to me over the years.  In addition to the surprise, it has been the most incredibly painful thing that I have ever had to endure. Breaking up is one thing. The ‘out of nowhere’ facet as well as the associated anger and scorched earth; it was not consistent with ANYTHING in our relationship. Her significant effort to unplug my friends from her and vice versa is equally perplexing but I can see a few possibilities and ‘rationale’ for it.

I started dating her when I was 46. I am now 48 and have to say that this ruined many possibilities and plans in my life with a person with whom I was very well suited. Its just another devastating dimension that has caused additional pain, my daughters resulting depression notwithstanding.

The crazy thing is: I still wish for hope that there is some possibility for salvation for this relationship. I really feel that although there are significant new serious dynamics to overcome,  that there is always some hope and possibility.

I welcome your thoughts and opinions about this. This is not exactly a mainstream sort of situation for me or for anyone so my goal is to better understand what the hell just happened! In doing so, I need to empower myself with knowledge to walk away or to do whatever it takes to recover this relationship.

Thanks in advance…...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[notdownyet]

Hello JRT,

Without wanting to sound trivial, it sounds like you’ve had your world tipped upside-down.  The timing of these things is never good, so I appreciate, that it must be even more difficult at this time of year.  My thoughts are with you.

It’s good that you’re reaching out for support though – that’s probably as much as you can do at this stage.

If you throw all your energy into making contact, this will only add to your own turmoil, as you're getting cut off at every point.  If they don’t want contact, then that’s something that you’ll have to accept; as cruel and as unfair as it may seem.  I hope that doesn’t come across as all judgemental, as I’ve done exactly the same myself.

Finding a reason behind why these things have happened can be soul destroying.  With a person that’s BPD, there will be lots irrational thinking place, which is hard to comprehend.  However, behind all the hurtful and destructive actions, there’ll be a distorted logic at work.  I’m a problem solver at heart, so when things when wrong with my BPD wife (went wrong = destroyed our happy life), I buried myself in researching into the illness; which helped, as I got to understand the mind-set a lot more clearly, so that I knew what I was dealing with as well as finding a something positive to focus on.  It sounds like you’ve already started with this.

My relationship too, seemed to have few arguments.  When they did take place, they were unbelievably irrational and destructive.  This was my view prior to my wife’s diagnosis.  However, when I took a step back, I could see that there were plenty of other red flags e.g. constantly texting me, when I went out for drinks with friends asking when I was going to be home, irrational hatred of females that I’m friends with, wanting to have control over my money - to name a few.

Without a proper diagnosis, I appreciate that this must be quite frustrating.

It’s interesting that this latest episode coincided with a business trip.  This can often be a large trigger for a person with BPD or BPD traits.  You said that this has happened a few times in the past.  Has there been any pattern to these episodes?  And how did you manage to sort things out last time?

[JRT]

Thanks kindly for your reply NDY,

I really appreciate your perspective. No, you do not at all seem trivial whatsoever. Matter of fact, you are spot on! My world has been destroyed by this. All of the things that were FINALLY put in place and were in the plan are now gone. Although this happened 3 months ago, realizing this and seeing the constant reminders (they are ubiquitous and constant) makes the pain not seem to go away. There seem to be new footnotes to this to it all of the time; running into her son at the mall (he cussed at me despite an incredible level of sacrifice and attention that I gave to him... .but I suppose that is either a reflection of mom's attitude towards me or that she is in considerable pain herself and he blames me for it)... .or seeing her Mom's FB page and realizing that my ex is still actively working to cut ties in that her mom finally deleted photos of my daughter there. This tells me that 3 months later, she is STILL angry! What the... .?

I appreciate hearing your perspective. That must have been rough for you. How did it end up? Did you remain with her? How did you reconcile? Or breakup? What is the nature of your relationship now?

Although the last breakup coincided with a business trip, I am not sure if the trip itself was the trigger. While it COULD have been, she would have had to find a mover and some bodies to help her pretty quickly to make it happen as she was fully unpacked here. Where everything is possible, I am thinking that this was premeditated to a certain degree (which adds the dynamic of a colossal set of lies that, then, led up to it. I think that I have a pretty good sense for deceit like this... .she get a friggin' Oscar I tell ya'! There was NOTHING that could have tipped me off even in hindsight).

Yes, this has happened 4 or 5 times before int he past and it had not just been a pattern, they were almost identical incidents:

a trivial non-issue sets her off and storms off 'runs' is a better word. Some time goes by; 4 hours to a month. Then I receive an email from her with some unfinished business (she managed my website, ‘here is your logon’). Then an angry phone call (chief among her complaints was that I got back on the dating site on where she and I had met)…... working hard to calm her and converse we then agree to meet. By her own description, he admits that just upon mere sight of me, that the episode ends right there and then and ‘all is right with the world’. She concludes by insisting that she has problems, that she is bad at relationships and needs to ‘see someone’.  I promise to help her work things out and the entire incident gets swept under the rug until the next one. If I knew what this was all about one of those times, I would have beat a drum to a therapist to seek help... .my bad in this regard.

This was the way it went down each and every time.

I would have thought that by now, she would have collected herself and been rational enough to talk this out. But she she seems to be just as angry. Meanwhile, I should have talked myself out of the possibility that this will ever be a healthy relationship or that she will ever return and instead, find myself just as eager to save this relationship as the moment that this happened.

I see your point about not contacting her... .it makes sense. But at the same time and in an environment that makes NO sense, I have the intuition that she WANTS me to contact her. That she WANTS me to defy the circumstances and overcome the obstacles that she has put in place (even at potential peril to myself), that she wants to be chased. The theory being that she wants validation that I would never abandon her. The thought has crossed my mind that given my non-contact that she might already believe so and that might be the source of her anger (I am sure that me being on an online dating site doesn't help in that regard).

Let me know your thoughts.

Thanks in advance.

[Tauriel]

constantly texting me, when I went out for drinks with friends asking when I was going to be home, irrational hatred of females that I’m friends with, wanting to have control over my money - to name a few.

This is so spot on. Yet they manage to do it in such a subtle way you don't even see her intention before it's too late. My BPD(?) ex was very intense text-wise (I don't know if she is, and would like if someone could help me – https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238956.0). She would bombard me with messages even prior to having met each other.

JRT: Your girl is clearly mental, and yes, it's quite clear that she wants to be chased, as you put it. Along with BPD often follows narcissistic or histrionic traits.

[JRT]

Min e constantly had her smart phone in he hands... .she texted a lot but more so, she thrived on chaos and crisis and was always checking email accounts and such in anticipation of the next one.

Tauriel, I am curious: what makes it clear that she wishes to be chased. I am not challenging you, just wanting to understand the full picture.

[Tauriel]

Min e constantly had her smart phone in he hands... .she texted a lot but more so, she thrived on chaos and crisis and was always checking email accounts and such in anticipation of the next one.

Tauriel, I am curious: what makes it clear that she wishes to be chased. I am not challenging you, just wanting to understand the full picture.

You said she did something similar four or five times prior to this. I don't know either of you, but to me it seems she wants your attention (when it's convenient for her). She knows very well that you want her. You are both approaching your 50's (?), but a lot of women seem to be like this their whole life. They want simultaneous interest from several males. My ex dumped me for another guy, and at the same time she dumped me she was also contacted by her own ex (which isn't the same as this new guy), saying he missed her. She showed me a snap from this guy, saying "now there's too many guys that are interested in me. Quite disturbing when I think of it.

[JRT]

WOW! That's... .well, CRAZY! I can't imagine the pain from infidelity. I have pondered the possibility and ruled it out but even considering it made me literally sick to my stomach.

I would agree with your assessment. I recall her taking note once and acknowledging that I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends and relationships. For whatever reason at the time, I took it as 'he will find me where ever I am and whatever I did to run'. But when you temper this with all of the disconnecting, bridge burning and anger, it makes me think otherwise. Should it?

[Tauriel]

WOW! That's... .well, CRAZY! I can't imagine the pain from infidelity. I have pondered the possibility and ruled it out but even considering it made me literally sick to my stomach.

I would agree with your assessment. I recall her taking note once and acknowledging that I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends and relationships. For whatever reason at the time, I took it as 'he will find me where ever I am and whatever I did to run'. But when you temper this with all of the disconnecting, bridge burning and anger, it makes me think otherwise. Should it?

Then she knows where you come from... .I don't think she's worth the effort. She doesn't seem to be sincere and doesn't know what love is. Almost every dumpee wants their dumper back. However, time heals those wounds.

[JRT]

WOW! That's... .well, CRAZY! I can't imagine the pain from infidelity. I have pondered the possibility and ruled it out but even considering it made me literally sick to my stomach.

I would agree with your assessment. I recall her taking note once and acknowledging that I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends and relationships. For whatever reason at the time, I took it as 'he will find me where ever I am and whatever I did to run'. But when you temper this with all of the disconnecting, bridge burning and anger, it makes me think otherwise. Should it?

Then she knows where you come from... .I don't think she's worth the effort. She doesn't seem to be sincere and doesn't know what love is. Almost every dumpee wants their dumper back. However, time heals those wounds.

Its easy to discern that from what I had described. But I truly had 2 good years with her and miss those times with her. I am convinced that she has no idea what a normal relationship is all about and has no clue how to deal with her feelings (among the hallmarks of what I suspect is partially her condition; an ACOA). It is what makes me take up the chase: if all that it takes is for me to 'come get her'. that is no sweat off of my brow; I am not too proud to do so. I am also willing to put in the work necessary in order move towards a healthy relationship. I think that anything good requires hard work. But I am still uncertain as to whether I should attempt contact or not. I wish the picture was clearer... .uggghh.

[Tauriel]

Its easy to discern that from what I had described. But I truly had 2 good years with her and miss those times with her. I am convinced that she has no idea what a normal relationship is all about and has no clue how to deal with her feelings (among the hallmarks of what I suspect is partially her condition; an ACOA). It is what makes me take up the chase: if all that it takes is for me to 'come get her'. that is no sweat off of my brow; I am not too proud to do so. I am also willing to put in the work necessary in order move towards a healthy relationship. I think that anything good requires hard work. But I am still uncertain as to whether I should attempt contact or not. I wish the picture was clearer... .uggghh.

Exactly, we always do. We miss the times we reckon as being 'good', but we ignore the bad times (even though they often massively outnumber the good ones). I also want my ex back, and I still love her very much (she dumped me nearly two months ago). But I'm only 23 years old and hopefully have a great future ahead of me, and I don't want an unfaithful b___ that falls in love with virtually everything she comes across, to ruin that for me.

If you find that your ex is worth more effort, then I wish you good luck. I hope you find love together. Pride is not a problem for me – it's more the risk of being dismissed and thus severe grieving and depression.

Merry Christmas.

[JRT]

Its easy to discern that from what I had described. But I truly had 2 good years with her and miss those times with her. I am convinced that she has no idea what a normal relationship is all about and has no clue how to deal with her feelings (among the hallmarks of what I suspect is partially her condition; an ACOA). It is what makes me take up the chase: if all that it takes is for me to 'come get her'. that is no sweat off of my brow; I am not too proud to do so. I am also willing to put in the work necessary in order move towards a healthy relationship. I think that anything good requires hard work. But I am still uncertain as to whether I should attempt contact or not. I wish the picture was clearer... .uggghh.

Exactly, we always do. We miss the times we reckon as being 'good', but we ignore the bad times (even though they often massively outnumber the good ones). I also want my ex back, and I still love her very much (she dumped me nearly two months ago). But I'm only 23 years old and hopefully have a great future ahead of me, and I don't want an unfaithful b___ that falls in love with virtually everything she comes across, to ruin that for me.

If you find that your ex is worth more effort, then I wish you good luck. I hope you find love together. Pride is not a problem for me – it's more the risk of being dismissed and thus severe grieving and depression.

Merry Christmas.

True that... .I honestly can say that we really didn't have any real bad times. Maybe there were issues that she never articulated but there was no real pain outside of the breakups.

Merry Christmas to you as well!

[notdownyet]

I appreciate hearing your perspective. That must have been rough for you. How did it end up? Did you remain with her? How did you reconcile? Or breakup? What is the nature of your relationship now?

My wife and I stayed together.  We have two young children, and we still love each other, so we’re working things out.  It almost sounds easy phrasing  it that way, when it’s been anything but.  What the future holds, I’m not sure, but she does acknowledge her issues and does listen, when rational.

Yes, this has happened 4 or 5 times before int he past and it had not just been a pattern, they were almost identical incidents:

My wife follows the same pattern of behaviour when she’s having an “episode” – it’s so predictable.  Trying to restart old and previously resolved arguments, baiting me into other arguments, threatening to stay at her mum and dads house, making deeply personal insults  etc.  This will then lead to a thinly vailed threat of violence and sometimes actual violence and throwing objects.

Much later, she will apologise.

I would have thought that by now, she would have collected herself and been rational enough to talk this out. But she she seems to be just as angry. Meanwhile, I should have talked myself out of the possibility that this will ever be a healthy relationship or that she will ever return and instead, find myself just as eager to save this relationship as the moment that this happened.

Yes, I’ve done that many times.  In a crisis, my response used to be rushing to the rescue, trying to reason the problem out (like that’s going to happen, with someone who’s psychotic) taking the blame etc.

If you keep trying to save them, they will just keep following the same behaviour pattern, thinking that they’re justified in their actions.

I see your point about not contacting her... .it makes sense. But at the same time and in an environment that makes NO sense, I have the intuition that she WANTS me to contact her. That she WANTS me to defy the circumstances and overcome the obstacles that she has put in place (even at potential peril to myself), that she wants to be chased. The theory being that she wants validation that I would never abandon her. The thought has crossed my mind that given my non-contact that she might already believe so and that might be the source of her anger (I am sure that me being on an online dating site doesn't help in that regard).

Don’t play the game.  It sounds like she’s thriving on the chaos.  Of course she wants you to chase, that’s the point – it makes her feel valued and wanted, but in a really dysfunction way.  If she’s not capable of self-validation, which so many BPD people aren’t , then that’s the issue which she’ll need to work on.  It’s something that you can support with, but she has to want to get better and acknowledge her issues.  Relationships are a meeting of two people sharing love and respect, not one constantly fixing the other.

Think of it this way, if she’s not committed to finding out what’s causing her issues and improving, then she’s committed to staying ill and dysfunctional.

You have to ask yourself the question “am I prepared to carry on in this cycle, for the rest of my day?”

Good luck with the dating sites

[JRT]

I am very glad that you decided to remain with your wife. It's a Herculean task to find a person with whom one is compatible though things are often imperfect. It seems to me that finding a replacement is more painful than salvaging what one has. Dating in ones late 40's AND online dating is INCREDIBLY difficult, frustrating and time consuming with little to show for it in the final analysis. In contrast, I AM very committed to the idea of helping her with her problem.

My ex is seeing a therapist from what I understand. She had acknowledged in past episodes that there was a problem and wanted to 'see someone'. I played this down as a way of calming her down and reassuring her that she was OK every time it happened and then swept it all under the rug. That was my bad of course, but it is interesting to see how your relationship and mine share similarities.

But my uncertainty remains in terms of what I do next if anything. It would be helpful to know what she is feeling on her end and what her expectations are. I fear contacting her if the time is not right and getting slapped with legal action. At the same time, I don't want to wait until she is convinced that I have, indeed, abandoned her. I sent her an Xmas card last week and it was not returned 'refused' (as was a letter I had sent several weeks ago), I see that as a good sign albeit weak. I did, however, run into her son in the mall last week in the most unusually serendipitous way. He is an extremely immature 18 year old. He and his GF pretended at first to not notice me then cussed very much under his breath as he passed by. To me I interpreted this as 1) this sentiment was rolling down hill from Mom or 2) that Mom is emotionally not together and son believes her pain to be my fault.

Some speculation here would be helpful.

What a disaster this has been!

[JRT]

I think that I have come to a dead end with this relationship as of today.

I figured that 3 months of being apart without contact and the season would have mellowed her a little bit to the point of accepting a phone call. It also crossed my mind that she might have wanted me to come chase her a little bit. After all, she had broken up with me via text and never spoke after the fact. I had only tired to call her twice in that period.

Where I had been blocked from day 1 on all avenues of contact with her, I attempted to call her yesterday evening from my hotel room while on vacation. She hung up immediately without saying a word to me. About an hour later, I received a call from the police department from where she, apparently now lives, indicated that she came in to file a police report against me for harassment and stalking. Fabricating various elements to make the story more believe-able and direct the cops ire at me.

I simply cannot believe that there is a person in the world that after 2 great years with a person that gave them the world and she acknowledged it, that they are so consumed by emotional sicknesses that not only would they dishonor their relationship and someone that loved them like I did in the first place, but also carrying it out to the nth degree like a child in a tantrum perfectly willing to besmirch me legally to get their end.

I instantly felt the best that I have felt in 3 months after I hung up with the police.

This will remain the most bizarre and hurtful ANYTHING that has happened to me and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Skip]

I am struggling to determine if my ex fiance’ is a BPD or ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic), both or flavors of both.

Do you mean she is ACOA and you are wondering if it is BPD, too?

Clearly there is something going in her head about the relationship. When she left and shut you down and made those threats its because she perceives commensurate levels of treat (real or perceived).

Any idea of what it is?

[JRT]

EXACTLY! I almost appears the way that someone would react if there was imminent violence! With an ACOA, one of their traits is an over reaction to just about anything (which was pretty typical of her). They also make rash decisions and then STAY THE COURSE regardless of the mess that it creates. If she was a BPD, I would guess that speaking with me would force her to face what she did and the associated shame. I suspect that this would be really painful for her. THOUGH, on past recycles, her admission to me was that upon mere sight of me, that the incident was instantly over. I recall the look and appearance of relief on her face each time. Like a prisoner on death row that was pardoned. I have to say: I was VERY sweet to her; there was never so much as an argument or a critical word.

I wound up believing her to be BPD by virtue of the way that she broke up and her behavior after the fact - its almost textbook BPD. But not necessarily so when it came to her day to day existence. While she was generally negative in her remarks about people (especially those that were close to her), she didn't act out the way that, it seems, most BPD's do. She tended to internalize things and not articulate her true feelings. We had recycled in the past several times but this time it was the atom bomb of breakups.

She had left a ton of stuff here including a trunk of family heirloom items. Even though she blocked me on FB, I suspected that she created a dummy account and was stalking me there (my posts were public). So I took a picture of the trunk and captioned it that I was cleaning out my basement and no longer needed it and was going to drag it to the curb on the weekend. Anyone that wanted it can come pick it up. Two days later, I got an IM from one of her GF's asking to come pick it up. I insisted that my ex and my ex alone would need to contact me and pick it up, no intermediaries. As a condition upon returning it to her, she would need to explain why she did what she did to me. Her friend (I suspect that it was her using her friends log on) pushed but I didn't give in. The weekend came and went and I never heard another word. The extent of her aversion to speaking with me is THAT powerful, that she is willing to destroy priceless family heirlooms to avoid any contact with me.

Frankly, she otherwise was very compatible with me and although sometimes too 'business like' at times, I have a very good relationship with her.

I don't get this... .ideas?

[Skip]

 So you have no clue about the wrong that is driving this?

[JRT]

The wrong?

No, I have no idea... .we never fought... .she never complained or brought anything to my attention that I could do better or not say, etc I somewhat wished that she did, actually... .our relationship was very placid.

I am I missing something? It sounds like you have a suspicion... .

[Skip]

There is a reason why she left.  She feels violated in some way.  That's why the shutdown and the threats.  Her son seems to know and be disturbed by it.

What is "it"?

She may told you in some way.  Has there been a reoccurring theme in past splits?

[JRT]

Not at all... .the b/u's were usually as the result of some non-issue (as she would admit after the fact). Some minor grievance so insignificant that we never even remembered what it was just a week later. We had a fight about buying a car and how to finance it a couple weeks prior while driving somewhere where she demanded I turn around and take her back to her car but she backed down... .that's about it.

Meanwhile, she had just moved in 3 weeks prior and in doing so, her 18 year old son moved out to his step fathers house. Then I went on a business trip leaving her totally alone for the first time in 18 years. The only thing that I can think of is that there was the stress of moving in to someone else's house and loss of total control (she did enjoy having a certain level of personal control), then the trigger of abandonment by her son and then me going on my trip. Would this result in her behavior? Or is there something else you suspect?

The son is just a parrot; taking marching orders from mom. Mom HAS to give an explanation to him and family members, I can only imagine how she is painting me black and inventing anything to achieve that end. During the last recycle, she had compelled some family members to unfriend me (this time she was successful in having them ALL unfriend me). On her return, I asked her what she had told them in order to get them to do so. Although she refused to tell me, her body language was on of shame and embarrassment; I am confident it was some half-truth or all out lie to achieve a goal. I still have a connection with one of her family members who also refuses to tell me what she is saying (this part of it drives me CRAZY) - I can only assume that whatever she is saying, its embarrassing to the extent that this person is uncomfortable in even mentioning it.

I tell you: I have my flaws and have not always done well in relationships. But this time around, I treated her EXTREMELY well to the extent that she had a torrent of compliments from family, friends and co-workers. This is a HUGE mystery to me.

Skip, you seem to be on to something. Is there something that I am missing? Something that I should do? Is this something that you have seen before? It sure seems to be a unique variation on a theme.

[JRT]

Almost forgot about the past splits:

again, some non-issue. It was never the same trigger... .she always broke up in person or over the phone, not by text like this time... .then there would be a period of no contact... .then an email regarding 'unfinished business' ie. 'here is the password to your website'... .then a return email from me... .then a phone call I would make to her... .unbridled anger on her part... .it was clear that she was goading me into a fight... .I would stand my ground but not get angry... .I would calm her down and then there we would meet... .on her recollection each time, she would tell me that merely upon seeing me, that the episode was over in that instant... .I don't mean to be patting myself on the back here, thats just what she told me... .in the ensuing conversation, she would explain what her problems were... .what I noted is that they were non-issues; you drink too much (i have two drinks every evening, where she often times had three or more!)... .i also noted that she would do my thinking on my behalf, eg. 'since this is this way, you would then say this, and then do this, and then do this and I have a big problem with that'... .and so it went after each and every recycle almost like a template... .and each time at the end of the conversation when I took her into my arms, she would say that she needed to 'see someone for help'. Wishing to assuage her, I would assure her that we would 'get through this together' and that would be the last word spoken about it ever... .until the next time.

what do you suspect?