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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Will you tell us more about yourself?  (Read 607 times)
livednlearned
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« on: December 29, 2014, 03:17:09 PM »

Hi everyone,

Let's get to know each other! We're happy you are a reader and member of the Co-parenting after the Split Board. As a virtual family here, the more we know about each others' needs the more valuable and supportive a resource we can be to one another.

Below is a questionnaire that can help us be more equipped to offer comfort, support and insights. Just like the family we are... .

Tell us about the children:

sex, age, and quality of your relationship with them?

What type of relationship are you in?

Parent? Step Parent? Grandparent?

Tell us about the divorce or separation:

in process, over how long a go, was it contentious?

what is the custody / visitation arrangement?

How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

restricted access, temporary orders, co-parenting, parallel parenting?

How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

excellent, good, fair, poor?

cooperative, tense, fighting?

What are the top challenges are facing?

How would you categorize your child?

healthy, BPD, ADHD, PTSD, ASPD? Anxiety? Depressed?

Substance Abuse? Self-Harming? Other?

What do you struggle with yourself?

(Traits of a disorder?  Low Self Esteem? Codependent?

Enabling? Depression? PTSD? Anxiety? Other?)

Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parent(s)?

If so, what type(s)?


(Individual? Group? Family?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Other?

AA, Al-Anon? Residential Treatment Center?

Dual Diagnosis? Intensive Out Patient?)

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?


Copy the code below, open a new post in this thread, paste in the code, and put your answers where it says ANSWER HERE (overwrite on "Answer Here", and then post it. We are looking forward to your story!

Code:
[list][li][b]Tell us about the children: [/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]What type of relationship are you in?[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]Tell us about the divorce or separation:[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]What are the top challenges are facing?[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]How would you categorize your child? [/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]What do you struggle with yourself?[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]Is anyone in therapy?

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]

[list][li][b]What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?[/b]

ANSWER HERE, and put this code at the end of the answer--->   [/li][/list]



[url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239572][b]TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE[/b][/url]


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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2014, 06:26:49 PM »

I'm here to help my DH deal with his uBPDew and parallel parent his two boys. He was alienated from them for 10+ years until she went to jail last year and he got emergency custody. SS19 graduated and is now in bootcamp.  DH was awarded sole custody of SS14 last June. We live two states away, and are on very limited contact with BM.
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2015, 11:42:48 AM »

  • Tell us about the children:

    I am a stepmom to two girls, SD10 and SD14.  They turn 11 and 15 this spring.  SD14 has traditionally been very enmeshed with mom, but also really loves daddy and me.  SD10 feels like all of us are her parents, and she does not want to choose. Both girls are pretty happy at our place, do pretty well in school, are pretty stressed at moms but love her and cherish their time with her.  Custody is 50/50, 2 weeks at a time.   


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    I am married to DH, and my relationship with the kids is that I am their stepmom.  I have been with DH 8 years, and knew the kids before we became involved, so I am a big and long term part of their lives.  I am close with each child.  With SD14, early on she told her mom she felt close to me, and mom threatened repeatedly to kill herself, so SD14 really learned that mommy is first and I am NOT to fill that role in her heart... .but also, I think due to the fact that she was 7 when I became involved, we have had a less parental but very close relationship from the beginning.  She listens to my ideas and seeks my input, and really trusts my perspective on things in a way that I think she does not with her bio parents as much.  SD10 is a little more like a daughter for me, with all the sweet ways she wants me to care for her, and the challenging things like that she takes my irritation personally in a way SD14 never does. With SD14, my personality and words are perfect for her when she is having the hardest times.  With SD10, we are very different but more bonded, and I think there is a way I am the parent of the 3 of us that she feels most loves her unconditionally. She really relies on me for that, and I feel like it is the only tool I feel is exactly what she needs that I can give her no matter what.  I dod not always know the right words to say with her... .for her, it is not the right words that she needs. But I can love her.

    SD14 has more splitting and other effects from mom that feel like psychological damage--not too bad, but stuff like learning disabilities, cognitive processing issues, and a tendency to make things black and white in conflict.  She is very self-aware and willing to work on these things, which makes her a fun teenager to parent, but in the moment she can seem much like her mom in conflict, and she is a very powerful person who has great self-esteem.  Being so enmeshed with mom and needed by mom makes her feel very important and special. I think there is fear under that... .she was abandoned for brief periods by mom as an infant... .and I think there are some bonding issues that make her cling... .but she also has received lots of support from dad and I and I think is a genuinely confident person. 

    SD10 is much more "whole" psychologically.  She does not split--she is loyal to herself and others, authentic in her experience, knows she is lying when she lies.  She has a more clear sense of self, and more clear boundaries with others. She can see what part is hers and what part is others' of a conflict; SD14 has had to work on learning that and emotional boundaries are still confusing to SD14--who is feeling what.  SD10 is clearer, more of a defined sense of who she is.  But she has more self-esteem issues.  SD14 is clearly mom's favorite, and that has been terribly painful for SD10.  When she was younger, she did not know how to manipulate mom or please her the way SD14 has always been able to do... .she was not willing to compromise her own sense of what was true to make mom happy, which infuriates mom.  At this age, she understands more and she does try to please mom, but often fails at some point and feels lots of guilt and shame about that.  She also will tell mom what she wants to hear about not loving daddy and I as much, but then feels horribly guilty about that and confesses it to us with sobs.  So she cannot split as well as her sister, and it tears her up.  At our house, she can really let this go.  DH and I make clear it is fine to miss mommy, and I have made clear it is fine if she does not love me the same way as mommy and daddy.  Paradoxically, I think this frees her up to feel closer in some ways to me than to mom or dad, but I do not need any acknowledgement of that.  I validate her loving nature often, and tell her how lucky her mommy is to have a daughter who is so loving.  I normalize the anger she feels at mom and that it is not bad or shameful. 


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    The divorce was very long and full of BPD mom raging and blaming, often in front of the kids, including many violent incidents by mom and threats of violence.  They had been separated a year, with mom having initiated divorce just before we started dating, so I thought this was a done deal or I would not have dated DH. I am sure my presence added stress to BPD mom, but she had broken up with DH a year before, and had initiated divorce, and I did not know about BPD or know she had it, so I did not understand how crazy things could get!

    The first two years of our relationship involved lots of incidents of BPD mom threatening to kill both of us, raging at us in public, lots of mom trying to get teachers and friends on her side, it working for awhile and us separately having to deal with people believing weird accusations... .I was very hopeful and good at connecting with BPD mom, as I had worked with many mentally ill people and was fine with her being difficult.  Over time, I think the biggest shock and learning for me was that BPD mom does not accumulate positive relationship experiences... .so we would have a big talk, she would say she loves me, express gratitude and next time she would hate me again. I believe her sense of me would change if we saw each other daily, but this is not possible nor desirable! 

    After two years of divorce, BPD mom finally signed something but there was no parenting plan. Two years later, BPD mom was planning to move out of state, and DH filed a custody case.  We were married by then, and it was the hardest 2 years of my life, and the kids lives.  There were false allegations, more violence, tons of parental alienation, phenomenal stress on the kids, health effects on the kids and me, lots of pain and lots of money down the drain.  In the end, to avoid trial BPD mom settled the morning of trial to 50/50 with mandatory custody for her (what the evaluator recommended), which she has not done. While she has not done what she agreed to do for herself in the plan, she also does follow the basic times and dates which has RADICALLY reduced our family stress, as conflict mostly revolves around planning. So now there are only 2-5 times a year where mom calls raging instead of it happening weekly. 


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

    It is 50/50, in two week blocks with an overnight in the middle for one child. It is mostly parallel parenting, as the parenting plan provides for written communication only, and BPDmom is not very communicative.  DH writes a little report at the end of his parenting time (also court ordered); mom does not do hers. Mom mostly communicates to rage or complain.  Phone communication is awful with her... .if DH calls for some urgent reason, she will yell and scream for 4 hours, which he used to just take in order to be able to talk with the kids. So there is not a great option for improving communication.  For the first 5 years after divorce, DH had a policy of making no exceptions to the plan, he will now occasionally make exceptions for important reasons, such as the kids being able to see mom's relatives.  In general, BPD mom goes through phases where she rages more or less, and when she rages the kids are more enmeshed, and mom tends to tell them she wants more custody or a change in the plan. 


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

    It is really hard to co-parent with someone with untreated BPD.  That said, with a pretty clear parenting plan, we are able to do our own thing, and there is much less stress than before.  The hardest part is that we have no real ability to alter the stress on the kids when mom is going through a hard time; and that I think there are health issues at mom's house sometimes that we have no real ability to help.


  • What are the top challenges are facing?

    The top challenges are health impacts to SD10 due to stress, and mom's threats of litigation when she is having a hard time, and the stress that places on the kids. 

    Between DH and I, the biggest challenge is the fact that I have served as a support person during a lot of the first 5 years of our relationship, as we were in constant crisis and DH owns a business and is a very engaged dad, which meant I did dishes and made food and cleaned the house.  Now, I am working full time and not doing all of that, which is hard on DH and the kids, and their stress and DH's frustration is hard on me. We have good communication and love, so we are moving through this challenge.

    The biggest challenge for me with SD14 is watching her separate with her mom without talking about it, because any words about it make her cling to mom.  We are close, and we talk a lot about her inner life, but not in this area.  So I just support her around the same issue with friends.

    With SD10, the hardest thing is seeing her feeling so stressed and hurt by mom, and not being able to help, being powerless.  At the same time, if I just love her, she seems to recover shockingly fast!


  • How would you categorize your child?

     


Both kids are healthy, with SD14 being somewhat narcissistic (she is a teen, which is most of it... .but compared to friends, a little more)(mom is BPD with narcissistic characteristics); and SD10 being prone to anxiety (and has had recent illness thought to be the result of stress).

  • What do you struggle with yourself?

       


  • Is anyone in therapy?

    Kids were until mom yelled at therapist in their presence; SD10 has her first T apt. in a year next week; we are looking for new T for sD14; DH and I are in couples and individual counseling, me in a group, us together infrequently.   


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

    Over the past 8 years of this, and 5 or 6 years here, I have shifted how I use the Boards.  In the past, I was scrambling for answers and learn a lot here, used the boards often.  Now, I think it is best for me not to be too focused on BPD mom unless there is a reason to be, so I visit only infrequently.  My goals are to vent so as not to have to do so to DH; to get ideas when I am stumped; and to contribute to others, as I feel like a lot of my relationships with the girls are very healthy and I have a lot to contribute that has worked.  Also, to share the ways I accept BPD mom as is and share my compassion, because it has helped me so much in dealing with stress. 




TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2015, 09:32:20 PM »

  • Tell us about the children:

    My SO with uBPDxw has two daughters one 14 and one 18.  I have been with their dad since early in his separation from their mom.  They have gone through many things in the last 4 1/2 years. They saw mom as a victim and participated with mom in her parental alienation campaign... .spied on dad, went through his things, read his texts and reported back to mom,  They along with mom falsely accused dad of child abuse. They eventually started to realize that dad was still dad, he still loved them, and things that mom was saying were false.  They have seen their things thrown out on the lawn as mom has been evicted 3 times.  They have had to sleep on the floors in the houses of friends and relatives during visitation with mom while she couch surfed.  D14 last year could no longer handle the chaos, drama, emotional stuffing and threatened suicide.  She was inpatient 2 weeks that were hard but also very helpful to her.  She learned some coping skills, learned to stand up for herself, learned to set some boundaries, was prescribed medication for depression, and ended up with a new therapist.  Since then she has been standing up to her mom... .it's been contentious, and difficult but I think it is healthy for her.  D18 was told by mom that private college would be paid for by a "family trust" and D18 bought into that against the advice of her dad.  She went of to college and first semester made "deans list", came home for Christmas break and was informed by school that she was not welcome back, she couldn't access her transcript and she owed the school $15,000.  The end of last year their mom was charged with felony fraud for writing a large bad check.  She failed to appear in court and now has a warrant out for her arrest.  Both daughters have not (by choice) seen their mother for a month and a half.  Due to their rejection of her, their mom sent a nasty email to them both painting them black.  So these girls have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other.  The one constant has been dad.  He fought for his daughters even when they were rejecting him, he has given consistent love and understanding, he has provided for their needs... .food, clothes, medical, dental... ., he has had consistent employment, and consistent housing.  He never gave up on them. -

    My Son 21 is working part-time and attends Community College.  He has been experiencing Social Anxiety that has him stuck so he will be starting therapy to work on that.  He has what I would describe as a friendship with his dad.  I was always the parent my ex was like another kid.


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    I am the girlfriend (4 1/2 years) of a man who has an uBPDxw.  We met on-line and live about 40 miles apart.  We have not moved in together because we have work and kids in school at each location.  I also don't think my SO's D18 is ready or comfortable enough with me for cohabitation at this point and honestly with all the drama surrounding the ex I like having my own peaceful home.  I have one son 21 and am divorced from a recovering alcoholic.


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    My SO was separated 2 years before the divorce was final.  High conflict divorce, parental alienation, false allegations of child abuse.  UBPDxw used the children as weapons against my SO.  I can't even express here the damage his ex did to my SO and their children. 

    My ex and I did our own divorce we were able to agree to how we wanted to do things.  It wasn't all easy though we had to live together for almost a year from when I told him I wanted a divorce to when the "short sale of our townhouse was complete.  Following our divorce my ex had his 3rd DUI and lost his job... .he finally found his rock bottom and has been sober for the last 3 years.


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

    Initially uBPDmom had primary custody.  My SO and his ex tried co-parenting in the beginning but that failed due to uBPDxw inability to co-parent it was her way or the highway.  Older daughter lost her entire first year of High School because mom was going to home school her on an on-line school... .never happeneded.  Younger daughter had to have a tooth extraction because mom would not... .could not... .rescheduled ... .rescheduled some more... .a dental appointment so many times that a toothache turned into an extraction. 

    Once the divorce was final my SO was granted primary custody and decision making regarding Education, Medical and Dental issues.  Mom was given decision making regarding Vision, Gynecology, and Therapy.  (Giving her therapy has been a problem)  So each parent having defined responsibilities has shifted parenting to a "Parallel Parenting" model that is working better.   

    My son lives with me and sees dad whenever he wants.  I have been decision maker son is now 21 so things are shifting to him. 


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

    I think Parallel Parenting is as successful as it will get for my SO.  I think co-parenting would be the ideal particularly for the kids but their mom is incapable of co-parenting

    My son and his dad hang out whenever they want but I am his "parent".


  • What are the top challenges are facing?

    My challenge has been to get integrated with my SO's daughters but over the last year things have improved.  I've learned to let go of a lot of anger I had regarding their actions towards their dad and the grip their mother has on them has loosened to the point where there might be a little more room for me.

    My SO is challenged by being a single dad with very little support in the everyday things and trying to help his daughters cope with their mother.

    D18 is having to re-group around college and having to deal with anger and low contact with mom

    D14 is having to deal with her sister being back home, she has recently (we discovered) stop taking her antidepressant because she doesn't want to be like her mother (sad... .will discuss with her therapist), and she has issues at school around bullying.  She is also currently low contact with mom


  • How would you categorize your child?

    My son has issues around social anxiety and self confidence (about to start therapy)

    SO's D14 was infantilized for a while by mom, is the bad child, has depression and issues around self-confidence (seeing a therapist)

    SO's D18 was parentified by her mom and the golden child, has issues with stuffing her own feelings (has a history of therapy but currently not seeing anyone)


  • What do you struggle with yourself?

    I have a history of co-dependence that I have been working on.  I have been working on asking for what I need from my SO, I am working on developing a relationship with SO's D18 she has anger around how fast her dad and I got together (D14 and I already have a nice little thing going). I also am trying to not lose the needs of my son in the demands of my SO's family.  Outside of BPD my job has gotten very demanding over the last year.


  • Is anyone in therapy?

    SO is in therapy

    D14 is in therapy

    My S21 will be starting therapy   


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

    My goals have changed over the time I've been here (few months shy of a year).  I first arrived very angry at my SO's kids and ex (and sometimes my SO too) but I've been able to express my feelings here have gotten those feelings out, have been shown other ways to look at things, and have learned to let the anger go (for the most part  )  I have also been able to use discussions here to have some really meaningful conversations with my SO.  That being said I still come here for support and/or advice when something flares up but I have also started my own journey.  I have been involved in or read some really interesting and meaningful conversations on co-dependence, rescuing, forgiveness, intimacy, parenting... .all kinds of things that I find informative and helpful.  I find that I am learning to be more self aware and mindful... .so maybe my ultimate goal is a healthier me.   




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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2015, 01:49:59 AM »

  • Tell us about the children:

    S5, D2. They were S3 and D1 when we were seperating. Our son is a bit like his mom, more emotionally sensitive than average, and a little nuerologically sensitive, both like his mom. He also may be a little OCD, like his dad. D2 is a lot tougher, and a bit more steadfast, definitely more emotionally relisilient. Both kids are pretty funny and irreverent.   


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    Never married their mom. ":)ivorced." No SO at this time.  She mved out a year ago, though she's been in a r/s with a guy for 16-18 months. She recently got engaged to him, though not co-habitating. This will be another challenge, though I'm trying to keep my distance, despite attempts to form some type of blended family. With any other guy? Maybe. With her "affair" partner? No way, though I think in a way, I can't avoid it. I'm 11 years older than her, and 18 years older than he. 


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    No divorce since we weren't married. I paid a few thousand in "severence" money because otherwise she wasn't going to leave the house, but continue to carry on. I didn't want it for me, and certainly didn't want it to continue so that the kids were old enough to pick up on it worse. My Ex's family is full of cheaters and one aunt and uncle who have a long-time facile marriage. No way was I going to let our children grow up like that. She had to go. After 4 months of emotional hell for me, and her partial neglect of our children, she was able to leave with not too much drama.

    I finally convinced her to do a legal custody agreement. She didn't want one. If I couldn't have convinced her, I would have served her anyway. Since her leaving really wasnt about me, as such, she wasn't out to punish me. We agreed to below guideline CS from me, provided that I contributed to their college funds. 


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement: cooperative colleagues. As I said, she's still trying to enmesh me. We are cordial, and being the betrayed partner, most of that rests upon me, my emotions, and how I react. D2 called me tonight, triangulating because she was mad at her mom disciplining her. My first reaction was, "can't you handle your daughter?" But it's better that they called me, rather than her mom becoming so frustrated that she verbally or physically abused D2. It's annoying, but I need to keep that avenue of trust open. It's rescuing, sure, but what's best for all of us?

     


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement: So far, so good. I view it as a business arrangement. Leaving emotions aside as best I can. I realize that I have a long way to go... .



  • What are the top challenges are facing? Attention and emotional issues with S5. I've been learning and passing things on to their mom. She's receptive. She's aware, to a certain extent, of her own issues (depression--diagnosed, and emotional dysregulation, also a certain amount of emotional incest by her mother, though her main issue is her father).

     


  • How would you categorize your child? Mostly answered in one. D2 is the one who always asks to call me. I think S5 hides things. The times they've asked to call their mom when they're with me, I can count on one hand over the year. On average, it's once a week wanting to call me hen they're with her. It's dropped off recently with her, though she did tell me the other week that our son cried out "I want daddy!" But didn't want to call me when she asked him. A year later, and they're still having trouble adjusting to my replacement, whom she unwisely introduced to the kids the week she moved out.



  • What do you struggle with yourself? I have no problems with the kids, at least nothing I fear handling. I'm still stuck as a "Leaver" awaiting their r/s to implode. Based up her one SI with me, and how I know her, I'm realizing that my replacement does us all a favor by keeping her stable. The instability is still there. The depression is still there. It was made clear to me two weeks ago by a very short, honest moment between us. I fear for the future, but can't control it.

     


  • Is anyone in therapy? I was for the better part of a year, anandoned to couples' counseling to fix me. Many thousands of dollars later, it was concluded that while I made poor choices, there's nothing pathologically wrong with me, not even co-dependency. My Ex quit after 2 individual sessions, and I'm sure stopped seeing her counselor. Based upon what she told me, she lied to hers about having a fall back lover. FWIW, my BPD mom also lured me into family therapy when I was 13, thereafter anandoning me after one joint appointment. 25 years later, she told me that that T told her that I was one of the most well-adjusted young men he'd ever met. I easnt stupid, even at 13. I knew that if I told the truth, he would tell my mom. I'll still take it as another validation that I'm not the person my BPD mom thought 30 years ago, nor the one my uBPDx thought 30 years later. And I was brutally honest with my current T, such that he even got frustrated with me for being too self-critical.

     


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To connect with whomever I can, and use the tools, whether my ex is clinically BPD or not, to ensure a successful parenting r/s with the kids' mom. We co-parent for now, but I foresee more parallel parenting in the future, especially when it comes to moral values. My Ex doesn't trust men, and that's something which can't be filtered or hidden from the kids. I observed some male devaluing comments directed at then S3 when we were living together, and I'll deal with it in the future with both children if I get the sense it's be ing an issue

     


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« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2015, 12:22:25 PM »

  • Tell us about the children:

    Only one, SD10


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    I'm married to DH, SD10's dad. I met him nearly 3 years ago. We married over the summer.


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    DH and SD10's uBPDbm were never married. He has been fighting for 2.5 years for primary custody. We currently have a temp order for 50/50 and joint. We are waiting the completion of a CE.


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

    There used to be very little cooperation, but since the temp order it has been reduced to zero. uBPDbm views it as a "them or me" situation, so co-parenting is not happening. We receive a lot of anger and hostility from uBPDbm.

    Before this order there was a lot of parental alienation and false accusations (of DV, sexual abuse, mental abuse, kidnapping, you name it) from uBPDbm. The authorities were involved. SD10 was an emotional wreck. Now SD10 seems to be happy and secure and is thriving under the stability.


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

    Very low. uBPDbm has shown that she is not willing/able to coparent so we will have to request that one or the either parent have sole decision making.


  • What are the top challenges are facing?

    uBPDbm's stubbornness, I guess.


  • How would you categorize your child?

    She seems to be doing really well with the 50/50. She is feeling more happy and secure and loved. In some ways she is so very grown up, but in others she is still so very child-like. She is very emotional and will occasionally have emotional meltdowns over small problems.


  • What do you struggle with yourself?

    The balance between my and DH's parenting values versus uBPDbm's.


  • Is anyone in therapy?

    No, we tried to get SD10 into therapy but that was a fiasco. Our CE is a PhD psychologist.


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

    I appreciate the different viewpoints. I like the advice from people who have been in similar situations. I like the commiseration of people who have been in similar situations. I have gained insight into uBPDbm's rationale and behavior by hearing about the same behavior in other's pwBPD's behavior.


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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
knockitoff

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 9


« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2015, 12:54:43 AM »

  • Tell us about the children:

    My boyfriend has a 7 year old son with his uBPDxw 


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    My boyfriend of 4 years and I live together and we share 50/50 custody of his son with his ex.   


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    It was nasty and lasted almost 2 years. I met him about a year into it. She dragged it out in the courts, hiding income, declaring bankruptcy, trying to get full custody, grabbing shady legal loopholes to postpone things, etc. 


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

    "Co-parenting" is in name only and nearly nonexistent. She undermines it at every turn, alienates, name calls, violates custody orders, all in front of their son. We do the exact opposite, always take the high road in front of him, never speak ill, follow everything to the letter. We talk mad trash when we are alone and venting of course.   


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

    Low. We haven't dragged her into court only because we don't think that will be good for the boy.   


  • What are the top challenges are facing?

    Starting over with him each time we see him again, trying to undo her work. He has no boundaries at her house, no rules, all the TV/screentime he wants, constant stream of new toys, no homework, no manners enforced. Plus all the lying and trash-talking she does. We also sometimes need encouragement to keep doing what we're doing in the face of so much infuriating misbehavior. It's hard not to march over there and tell her what's what. But we all know that would be pointless.   


  • How would you categorize your child?

    He is sweet, sensitive, bright, generous, goofy, a little nerdy and insecure. I've noticed recently he seems depressed and anxious. He's basically a brat for about a day after we get him from his mom, no surprise there, poor little guy. He runs kind of hot and cold with me; some days he loves me and some days not so much. He's extremely clingy and attention seeking with his dad, but I think that's mostly because of the divorce, not his BPD mom. Who knows? I'm no professional. They separated  when he was 2. We started dating when he was 3.


  • What do you struggle with yourself?

    My mom is uBPD and she raised my sister and me. I feel like I'm surrounded by BPD and I've only started rebuilding my self-worth in the past few years. It's hard for me to find the happy place in the stepmom paradigm, plus work on my own stuff, plus support my boyfriend, who has ADHD and anger problems. I'm trying to find my voice.


  • Is anyone in therapy?

    I've been in therapy for about 2 years. My boyfriend saw a therapist throughout the two years of his divorce, but now only sees his psychiatrist for his ADHD. 


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

    Just to not feel so alone.   


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Eco
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 540



« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2015, 11:10:26 PM »

  • Tell us about the children:

    my daughter is 2 yrs old   


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    none at the moment   


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    my ex ended things when I refused to accept the abuse any longer and put up boundaries. she was 3 months pregnant with our daughter when she downgraded me to her " roommate " I spent a yr after that  trying to work things out with her, going to different councilors. my ex refused to tell me my daughters name was until she was born. then my ex was very controlling about my time with my daughter and if didn't give my ex the right answer she would throw me out of the house. after several times of that I decided I had to go to court to be legitimized and get visitation rights, this was a unforgivable sin and betrayal to my ex and she turned the abuse level to max.

    she is still very abusive and is trying to alienate me from my daughter and im about to go back to court. I had a very bad lawyer the first time and the court order is a mess. I really wish things could have worked out so my daughter would have a whole family   


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

    It was poorly done and it has to many grey areas and to many uncovered things that my ex takes advantage of. I get 2 hrs every Thursday and every other weekend from fri to sun and 2 weeks in the summer and alternating holidays   


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

    poorly, I have to fight for every minute I get which isn't much.   


  • What are the top challenges are facing?

    dealing with my ex and the ways she tries to take my time with my daughter away from me. parental alienation by my ex   


  • How would you categorize your child?

    very sweet, kind, considerate, full of personality and very affectionate. lately she has become clingy and fearfull of things she liked a few months ago, she has shown some depression and sadness as well, she seems very confused on how to act towards me in front of my ex.   


  • What do you struggle with yourself?

    depression and anger that my ex uses my daughter as a tool to hurt me.

    guilt that my bad decisions of getting into a relationship with my ex and having a child with her to quickly has left my daughter in a broken family and wont have a chance to know what a normal family is with mommy and daddy together.

    fear that my ex will turn my daughter against me 


  • Is anyone in therapy?

    I was but I cant afford it until im done with court, I really miss going because I have no one to really talk to about things.  im going to get my daughter in counseling when I go to court. my ex wont allow it without a court order   


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

    to get support and advice, it helps to know im not alone in this fight   



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newlifeBPDfree
***
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 146



« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2015, 06:34:47 AM »

Hi, this is a great idea. I also wanted to say that I am so grateful for this community. I think it really saved my sanity many times.

  • Tell us about the children:

    I have only one child - D11. She is the kindest, sweetest little girl and very sociable. She has a lot of friends and everyone loves her although recent events between her BPD dad and me took a toll on her.   


  • What type of relationship are you in?

    No relationship for me. Still healing and struggling to put my life on track after my divorce and a brief recycle with exBPDh 


  • Tell us about the divorce or separation:

    Divorced in Winter 2013 after my husband 10 month affair with a band mate (he was unemployed for years before that and his sole focus is to realize his dream of making it big in the music industry). I never set any clear boundaries with my ex after my divorce (he had keys to my house because he was picking up our daughter from school and waited for me to get home from work) therefore I kind of gave him an opportunity  to be "here with one foot and there with another" despite being divorced. He somehow managed to convince me to get back together which ended really bad for me. I'm struggling with consequences of this lapse of my judgement right now


  • How would you characterize the shared parenting arrangement:

    I have sole custody and our divorce was by default so we never had any parenting agreements in place. He also never knew I had sole custody. After our recent break up he found out and now is making my life hell trying to oppose to every single thing. We are currently waiting for mediation date to establish visitation schedule. Right now it's s bad that he schedules everything with my daughter behind my back and does not feel like he should even consider my opinion on things.   


  • How would you rate the success of the shared parenting arrangement:

    Right now it's pure chaos. Can't wait for the agreement to be in place. Couple more months to wait for it though.   


  • What are the top challenges are facing?

    Alienation of my daughter. I'm really struggling with maintaining a good relationship with her. He blatantly lies to her about what I did and blames me for breaking up the family. 


  • How would you categorize your child?

    She is very sensitive, sweet, loving. Very crazy about her dad and very prone to his manipulation. 


  • What do you struggle with yourself?

    Currently I'm struggling with co-parenting with my ex and with alienation of my D11. I am not struggling with my personal relationship with him anymore. After or last recycle I have no feelings for him nor do I miss anything about him. The good things we had are buried deep underneath all the vicious, evil things he has done. I'm struggling because I want my daughter to have a relationship with her dad but I think she really deserves better than this manipulative, vile, mean-spirited human being.   


  • Is anyone in therapy?

    I am actively seeking therapy for my daughter. My exBPDh opposes to every therapist I find.   


  • What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

    Find answers, comfort, reassurance from members who understand what I'm going through




TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE
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SWLSR
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 466


« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2015, 02:32:26 PM »

Hey the first thing to know about me is I am a 49 year old divorced dad.  My children are two sons ages 15 and 13 and a four year old girl.  My ex wife is BPD I always knew something was no quite right but I could not put my finger on it.  After the birth of our last child she checked out of reality and never quite came back.  In short the end of our marriage was a complete meltdown which left both me and kids in a total chaos.  We now have split custody but they want to be with me full time.  She got married the day our divorce was final but three years later that marriage is now rocky and I want no part of that drama.  I am now engaged to someone my kids think of as more of a mother figure than there own mother.  My kids just want go back to the way things were,. but they cant.  I have posted on the undecided and the leaving boards and now this board looking for answers.
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