And just like that, my fiancee was gone

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am now two weeks out of a breakup with my now known to be BPD fiancée. She was living with me for two years of our two and a half year relationship, but we’d spent almost every night together from our first kiss on, and we were engaged on October 4. For the two years we were living together, it was almost entirely perfect, she is beautiful, intelligent, sexual, creative, and was absolutely devoted to me. I was “her prince” and took care of her, and was thanked for loving her even though she “was broken.” I thought she was referring to her fibromyalgia. She told all her friends, and me, over two years of our relationship that we were going to get married, grow old together, have a family, and if I did not get around to proposing to her, she would propose to me. She addressed my parents as mom and dad. I surprised her for my proposal on her leg of a return trip from Europe in NY, sitting next to her in a theater, and she was so excited she threw her purse up in the air thirty feet and we didn’t find it until the intermission. For the next week, all her twitters and facebook posts were how she was off the market, no backsies, etc.

Things began to change, just little hints, which I see clearly now, when we got close to a wedding we had to go to in her home town, where the bride was a difficult one, and the best man was her first love ex, with whom she had severed all ties, and supposedly hated and could not stand. She left four days before me for a joint bachelor/bachelorette party in Key West. Apparently, the ex, who had not had a relationship in the seven years since then, did his damnedest to reconnect with her over the trip, and managed to get under her skin. I doubt he had to try very hard, knowing what I know now. They continued to hug and cry together after I arrived, and they continued, largely without my knowing, to text each other after we had come home from the wedding. He even texted her that he wanted to move down here so that he could fight for her, that she was the only one he ever loved, and that he was a much better person now and could be the man she needed him to be. She full on embraced this “new” him after seven years of no contact.

She started seeing a therapist when we got back from the friends’ wedding to deal with what she said were her wedding issues, but it seems now, through friends, like her mind was made up from the return and this was just her seeking validation that she should leave and go find herself. She began smoking pot nightly, where before it was a once in a blue moon kind of thing, telling me her fibromyalgia was acting up, and this helped her sleep.

She flew to Miami to wedding dress shop with her mother (also probably an emotionally disturbed person) and when she returned three days later, she sat me down, said she could not marry me and had to leave as soon as possible, which was going to be in one week. She sold her car, boxed and shipped all her stuff, and refused any and all compromises to work on us. It was a week of rage, confusion, and flailing for me, as I tried to understand what was happening so suddenly, why there was no working it out, and how she suddenly fetishized the idea of moving to Seattle (where the ex lives) as a happening place where she could be excited and part of it all working for Woot writing snarky sales pitches (she’s a very good author, and this is the first I ever heard of the company or her idealization of Seattle, which she talked another friend out of moving to last year). We went to her last two scheduled sessions of therapy together, but all my offers of compromise were shut down immediately (which so shocked the therapist, that I think it was what set her on the same course as my own thinking). She says she never took enough time for herself after her last relationship and got into our too quickly (3 months after that one ended). On October 4, we were engaged, on December 15 she told me she was leaving me, on December 22 she was gone.

Almost all contact has been severed. She says she no longer trusts me because I have talked to so many friends, mostly in playing detective to the sudden, spontaneous demise of our relationship. I was merciless on my own self-examination, but finding nothing so wrong with me that it couldn’t be worked out, began following suggestions from other relationship boards, etc until leading me to locking in on BPD, which the therapist confirmed were her suspicions as well (I also think some bipolar, but we’ll never get that far). I learned this is exactly how she left the two relationships before me, the last one on December 24, 2011. He had started off as her hero as well, and wound up cut out and villainized by her. So was the ex she's now running back to.

I feel gutted, but I have a good network of friends and family. The hardest point is not letting her rent space in my head. I am sure that the ex is the new immediate substitute, and as much as I want to warn him what’s coming sometime soon enough (maybe further out, she’s high functioning and the quiet type BPD). I want him to suffer as I have suffered, in part thanks to efforts to break up my engagement. I have, on the advice of the therapist reached out to her brother, who says he cannot talk to me, even though he really liked me and knew I treated her well, as it is her wish that the family cut me out (I am in definitely in the black of her thinking right now). I told him if he was not comfortable talking to me, he should call the therapist, and gave him her contact information.

She was definitely an emotionally sensitive person, with a terrible childhood of neglect from an absentee father, and a cold, likely emotionally damaged mother (daughter of an illegally polygamous man, abandoned the family, etc.) who is nothing but neglect or horrifyingly stern judgment (she’s become a full on born again in her adult life, after having a son out of a brief relationship when she was 17). I was prepared to love her, and accept her, but not knowing what I was dealing with until it was over, I had no chance to work it out.

I have good days and bad days. There is always a temptation to think about what she’s doing now, especially over new year’s eve, when I know the ex was planting himself in front of her at midnight, is strong, and I have to resist chasing that rabbit down the hole. I am reading extensively on the disease, and I hate it so, but also am angry at her for how she did this with no warning or reason, just leaving suddenly. I am choosing to take it as an act of love, that she could not imagine sharing this pain with me over her life and left to protect me from it, but I also know it could just be that having moved onto her hater stage, she felt nothing at all. From what I have from her friends, she does not have any second thoughts about what she did, does not understand why I am having a tough time with it, and has zero sympathy or empathy for the situation. She’s lost and flailing but as I said, high functioning, so I’m sure she’ll find her feet and move on (good night Seattle!).

I am uncertain as to whether I will take her call, if she calls, but I probably will. And I will attempt my best at DBT. I want her to get help, but she’s gone cold contact. I’ve reached out to the only family member she trusts, her brother, and given him the start of the path, if he’s willing to go down it. I’ve been told to expect the switch to flip back, usually just when I appear to be recovering, and that she’ll seek out the cycle again. On the other hand, that may be the no longer ex boyfriend’s problem now, or whomever is the substitute. Her network there is unreliable, mostly old friends who don't really know what's going on with her, and were in loose contact only while she lived with me (I live in the Caribbean).

Just writing this helps me feel better, and stronger, but I’m still emotionally empty right now. At least I no longer feel like I did over the last two weeks, where I felt empty, but also felt like the vacuum was still on trying to suck more out of me.

[Heldfast]

I am now two weeks out of a breakup with my now known to be BPD fiancée. She was living with me for two years of our two and a half year relationship, but we’d spent almost every night together from our first kiss on, and we were engaged on October 4. For the two years we were living together, it was almost entirely perfect, she is beautiful, intelligent, sexual, creative, and was absolutely devoted to me. I was “her prince” and took care of her, and was thanked for loving her even though she “was broken.” I thought she was referring to her fibromyalgia. She told all her friends, and me, over two years of our relationship that we were going to get married, grow old together, have a family, and if I did not get around to proposing to her, she would propose to me. She addressed my parents as mom and dad. I surprised her for my proposal on her leg of a return trip from Europe in NY, sitting next to her in a theater, and she was so excited she threw her purse up in the air thirty feet and we didn’t find it until the intermission. For the next week, all her twitters and facebook posts were how she was off the market, no backsies, etc.

Things began to change, just little hints, which I see clearly now, when we got close to a wedding we had to go to in her home town, where the bride was a difficult one, and the best man was her first love ex, with whom she had severed all ties, and supposedly hated and could not stand. She left four days before me for a joint bachelor/bachelorette party in Key West. Apparently, the ex, who had not had a relationship in the seven years since then, did his damnedest to reconnect with her over the trip, and managed to get under her skin. I doubt he had to try very hard, knowing what I know now. They continued to hug and cry together after I arrived, and they continued, largely without my knowing, to text each other after we had come home from the wedding. He even texted her that he wanted to move down here so that he could fight for her, that she was the only one he ever loved, and that he was a much better person now and could be the man she needed him to be. She full on embraced this “new” him after seven years of no contact.

She started seeing a therapist when we got back from the friends’ wedding to deal with what she said were her wedding issues, but it seems now, through friends, like her mind was made up from the return and this was just her seeking validation that she should leave and go find herself. She began smoking pot nightly, where before it was a once in a blue moon kind of thing, telling me her fibromyalgia was acting up, and this helped her sleep.

She flew to Miami to wedding dress shop with her mother (also probably an emotionally disturbed person) and when she returned three days later, she sat me down, said she could not marry me and had to leave as soon as possible, which was going to be in one week. She sold her car, boxed and shipped all her stuff, and refused any and all compromises to work on us. It was a week of rage, confusion, and flailing for me, as I tried to understand what was happening so suddenly, why there was no working it out, and how she suddenly fetishized the idea of moving to Seattle (where the ex lives) as a happening place where she could be excited and part of it all working for Woot writing snarky sales pitches (she’s a very good author, and this is the first I ever heard of the company or her idealization of Seattle, which she talked another friend out of moving to last year). We went to her last two scheduled sessions of therapy together, but all my offers of compromise were shut down immediately (which so shocked the therapist, that I think it was what set her on the same course as my own thinking). She says she never took enough time for herself after her last relationship and got into our too quickly (3 months after that one ended). On October 4, we were engaged, on December 15 she told me she was leaving me, on December 22 she was gone.

Almost all contact has been severed. She says she no longer trusts me because I have talked to so many friends, mostly in playing detective to the sudden, spontaneous demise of our relationship. I was merciless on my own self-examination, but finding nothing so wrong with me that it couldn’t be worked out, began following suggestions from other relationship boards, etc until leading me to locking in on BPD, which the therapist confirmed were her suspicions as well (I also think some bipolar, but we’ll never get that far). I learned this is exactly how she left the two relationships before me, the last one on December 24, 2011. He had started off as her hero as well, and wound up cut out and villainized by her. So was the ex she's now running back to.

I feel gutted, but I have a good network of friends and family. The hardest point is not letting her rent space in my head. I am sure that the ex is the new immediate substitute, and as much as I want to warn him what’s coming sometime soon enough (maybe further out, she’s high functioning and the quiet type BPD). I want him to suffer as I have suffered, in part thanks to efforts to break up my engagement. I have, on the advice of the therapist reached out to her brother, who says he cannot talk to me, even though he really liked me and knew I treated her well, as it is her wish that the family cut me out (I am in definitely in the black of her thinking right now). I told him if he was not comfortable talking to me, he should call the therapist, and gave him her contact information.

She was definitely an emotionally sensitive person, with a terrible childhood of neglect from an absentee father, and a cold, likely emotionally damaged mother (daughter of an illegally polygamous man, abandoned the family, etc.) who is nothing but neglect or horrifyingly stern judgment (she’s become a full on born again in her adult life, after having a son out of a brief relationship when she was 17). I was prepared to love her, and accept her, but not knowing what I was dealing with until it was over, I had no chance to work it out.

I have good days and bad days. There is always a temptation to think about what she’s doing now, especially over new year’s eve, when I know the ex was planting himself in front of her at midnight, is strong, and I have to resist chasing that rabbit down the hole. I am reading extensively on the disease, and I hate it so, but also am angry at her for how she did this with no warning or reason, just leaving suddenly. I am choosing to take it as an act of love, that she could not imagine sharing this pain with me over her life and left to protect me from it, but I also know it could just be that having moved onto her hater stage, she felt nothing at all. From what I have from her friends, she does not have any second thoughts about what she did, does not understand why I am having a tough time with it, and has zero sympathy or empathy for the situation. She’s lost and flailing but as I said, high functioning, so I’m sure she’ll find her feet and move on (good night Seattle!).

I am uncertain as to whether I will take her call, if she calls, but I probably will. And I will attempt my best at DBT. I want her to get help, but she’s gone cold contact. I’ve reached out to the only family member she trusts, her brother, and given him the start of the path, if he’s willing to go down it. I’ve been told to expect the switch to flip back, usually just when I appear to be recovering, and that she’ll seek out the cycle again. On the other hand, that may be the no longer ex boyfriend’s problem now, or whomever is the substitute. Her network there is unreliable, mostly old friends who don't really know what's going on with her, and were in loose contact only while she lived with me (I live in the Caribbean).

Just writing this helps me feel better, and stronger, but I’m still emotionally empty right now. At least I no longer feel like I did over the last two weeks, where I felt empty, but also felt like the vacuum was still on trying to suck more out of me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[InATimeLapse]

Heldfast,

I am 3 weeks from a walk-away-gf broken relationship.  I had spent nearly every single day 24/7 with her for 9 months.  Near the end she had just started to realize that BPD (and not bipolar) was at play and was planning DBT and therapy.  She was starting to realize that the push/pull dynamic was the thing leading to so much chaos.  Just at the brink of change, knowing how saw me with black-and-white thinking and being aware of what journey she had ahead of her to straighten-out her childhood traumatic experiences, she left me abruptly while I was at lunch and has been NC ever since (she had the cops tell me not to contact her in any way in the future).

You are not alone here.  And it's so incredibly painful to fall in love with someone who struggles with this disorder.

There has been two competing thoughts in my mind during this time.  Is it possible for the love-of-my-life to heal so that we can stay in that wonderful relationship we had while things were good?  And:  BPD or not, her behaviors were not trustworthy, she continued to put her "needs" and desires above mine, she didn't hold-up her end of the relationship by taking responsibility for her side of the problems by trying to make amends, she preferred being a victim rather than personally responsible (search for Karpman's Drama Triangle and see if it applies to you, if you haven't already), and, most importantly, she wasn't yet capable of the emotional maturity to do things differently - and as a result, I DESERVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP.  The latter thought is the healthiest for me. 

It's so sad to see somebody I care so much about sabotage themselves and destroy me in doing so.  I am realizing now (and much more so in only the past 2 days) that my needs were consistently unmet and that the direction of energy was consistently flowing in her direction even when times were good.  I'm realizing that there are different kinds of Love in the world and that the kind of Love that's meaningful, worth marrying to and having children with, is one where you never have to ask yourself, "Is it really safe now?" 

But it still hurts to let go of the person I love.  I've cried 4 times about it today already and it's just past afternoon.  I would've done anything for her, though the converse is apparently not true.  So now I must redirect all of the energy I kept directing towards her and direct it towards myself. 

Let yourself grieve and while doing so keep your eye on what's important: you.  Would you ever treat someone that way?  I bet not.  And even though BPD may be at play here, it doesn't absolve the fact that there are consequences to her actions.  And so, I'm learning, it's possible to Love someone who is struggling with an illness while Loving and protecting yourself and your own future and sanity by letting go of them. 

That might be a bit too heavy for you right now.  These are the things I keep telling myself and they seem to help, so I hope they help you too.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT.  How much you loved her, who you were capable of being to her, and what you did to support her during your relationship was nothing less than AMAZING.  You TRULY LOVED HER and that took COURAGE.  This is who you really are.  And someday you will be with someone AMAZING who is safe to love, who truly does see, appreciate, and respect these qualities in you, and when she sees that those qualities are genuine, she will think she won the lottery and would never, ever want to leave you. 

I hope this helps at least a little bit.  Hang in there!

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Heldfast and 

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time, which I'm sure was made harder being the holidays. I'm glad you were able to write out your story as it can be an important part of healing.

I'm sure the more you read here, the more you will realize you are not alone. You may want to read:

Article 9: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder to learn more about beliefs that may have you stuck.

Did you notice any odd behaviors before she went away on her trip with her mom? Are you still talking with the therapist?

Please keep posting and reading. You are on the right track.

[Tim300]

Hello Heldfast,

We are here for you.  We understand.  This is a blessing for you.  I know that sounds trite.  And I know that what you've been through is a nightmare (which is no blessing at all).  But it is a blessing that you didn't procreate with this girl or get married to her.  I am now about 3 months out of a very similar broken engagement (we had been together for 2.5 years and known each other for more than 10).  She pushed for the engagement all along.  Her actions at the end were indescribably cruel.  It's been an emotional roller coaster for me.  Some days I am very depressed, etc.  Every day I think about it -- often.  I still have great difficulty sleeping.  I have very slowly been getting better each day.  I'm still not in a great state.  It has helped me tremendously to spend many hours reading these forums and also many hours reading books about BPD.  Many of my friends and family wish I would just stop this reading -- but I have to say that this reading has really saved my life.  People unfamiliar with BPD simply will not be able to understand the trauma you've been through (with perhaps the exception of a few friends who might take the time to listen to you with an open mind and to do some reading on their own to understand what you're going through).

Grieve.  This sucks.  But to the extent you can, be thankful that you didn't have a kid, didn't get married, didn't suffer greater physical or financial damage, etc.  Three months out, I am still heartbroken, hurt, and damaged.  But I'm also relieved that I finally figured out why she was so crazy for the final year of the relationship and I'm relieved that I didn't bring a BPD baby into this world -- a baby that would have been alienated against me and used as a pawn for power.  A baby that likely would inherit BPD and wreck havoc on the next generation. 

By the way, in your description of her family, it sounds like it's quite possible that her mother also has BPD and her mother's mother had it too (just a guess).  It's likely that this was the root of the dysfunction you described.  You have now dodged this dysfunction.  I would just stay away from her family and hope that they forget about you.  Close engagement with BPD-types can result in even greater harm than you've already experienced.  I think it's kind of you to suggest DBT if she does reach out and assuming that she doesn't know about her condition -- otherwise, I would just keep no contact or extremely low contact if you need to for your safety.   

[Heldfast]

Thank you all. Getting better day by day, and today was first day where I haven't felt cloudy at all or angry or even particularly sad when thinking about her. She has asked me for time and space but that she'd let me know she was ok every now and then by calling. After no word for a week, I shot her a few texts. She's still trying to avoid thinking and dealing with me, but I know longer care at that level. I still want to get her help.

[JRT]

Sorry to know that you are enduring this... .that we ALL are enduring this.

Mine ex fiance' left 3 months ago after being together for two years. It was while I was out of town and completely without prompt or warning. There was no incident or argument that preceding her action. My only notice was a text message on my cell phone telling me 'our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't try to contact me'. She blocked me on every conceivable way to try to contact her including email, phone, text and social media (where she blocked me, unfriended all of our mutual friends and successfully compelled her family and friends to unfriend me). Calls to her from my hotel were met with a text threatening to call the police. Later attempts to contact her via email and phone were met with a letter from an attorney threatening a PPO and the local police respectively! Although I have not heard from her at all, there WERE 'lite' versions of 'splitting' in the past where she had recycled, I expect her to surface somewhere int the future... .maybe a month... ,maybe a year... .maybe 10 years from now.

Like you, I began to search for answers and all roads led to BPD as well as ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic). Reading these boards and writing posts were very therapeutic but the thing that made me REALLY turn a corner on feeling much better was anger. I had called her to wish her a Merry Christmas while on vacation from my hotel (since the number was not blocked). She hung up upon hearing my voice. I then received a call from the local cops to whom she, I am sure, told them tales of horror according to whatever distortion campaign she had engaged in (who knows?). Prior to this incident, I somewhat felts sorry for her and hoped inside that there was some possibility for salvation for our relationship. For her to attempt to besmirch me legally (I am talking about a lifetime here) was the wakeup call that I needed - I became angry and I have to admit; it was EMANCIPATING.

I don't know if this is a universal truth for those of us that have fallen victims to BPD's, but it REALLY helped me.

Good luck.

[Heldfast]

I may be getting over this more through exhaustion of the BS then anything else. Went into no contact mode, beginning last night. Within five minutes of un-friending her on facebook, I received a call, just a coincidence I am sure. It did not go well, she has no introspection, no care, etc. Today, I blocked her on Google+, deleted her number from my phone, unfollowed her on twitter, and I texted her that the only way I want to talk to her is through a joint therapy session. She called the therapist to see about attending such telephonically. The therapist shares my views, and is seeing if there is any of the old her left. I told the therapist to kick me if she thinks this is hopeless and I am just kidding myself. At this point, I am pretty close to not caring anymore. Accept for her immediate family, her friends who are my friends, have asked me not to defriend them, that they all liked me, but said they would understand if I did. The groom of the wedding I attended, where she reconnected with her ex, said he really does not want to be in the middle of this, as it was his best man who was the ass ex begging her to come down here and fight for her (and to whom I think she is running), but he told the dick how inappropriate it was, before turning a blind eye. Forget anger, sadness, etc. Exhaustion from bull___ may be what's killing any mood to pursue any further thoughts on her.

[JRT]

If I am reading this correctly is that she has agreed to a joint counseling session? If that's the case then there is a  chance for redemption but it DOES sound like things need to cool off a little bit. Thats a big plus as mine has gone through great lengths to make it impossible to speak with one another.

[Heldfast]

We were supposed to have a joint session tomorrow, but I just learned she's already flown to Seattle to reconnect with her now no longer ex. She was telling me she was going to drive for three months to find herself. This is actually the best thing to happen to me, no more ambiguity, no more tension and confusion. The guy who got her to cheat will get it all, the wonderful sex at the opening, I promise you, he's already had it, but since she's not getting help, he'll get the rest also. Way to go baby. Half crazy, I'd have been wandering in the dark, full crazy, I just cleared my mind of all doubts. I'll mourn the relationship and focus only on me. Btw, these message boards have been great, advanced me much further along than I would have been otherwise.

[JRT]

Let us know how it goes for you... .

[Heldfast]

Well, now everyone knows the basic story, and her parents finally know she ran to Seattle to the ex (strip club living sleazeball) and acknowledge something is wrong. Have finally gotten all the parties communicating, the parents, the therapist, and they're no longer ignoring me. If she wants help, it will be here. Still zero contact, as she pretends I have no idea what is going on, or perhaps inviting my response for the explosive fight. Of course, that assumes she cares at all, which she doesn't. This may play out much differently than she expects. Therapist says I should be expecting a call out of the blue.

[Skip]

This really as to be hard.

[ColdEthyl]

I am so very sorry, hun  Heartbreak under normal circumstances it tough... .I imagine heartbreak from a pwBPD is much worse, and I hope I don't have to experience it.

Since you are posting on the improving/staying board, were you planning on trying to salvage the relationship when you get the out of the blue call? It will most likely happen, as your T said.

[Heldfast]

It depends on what the call was. If she said, let's be friends, my answer would be no. If she said I wanted to be with you, my answer would be no. If she said she wanted help, my answer would be yes. And I say that knowing it would be a commitment of years, not months, to get her what she needs.

I learned from a friend of hers last night, a life coach who she has been calling every other day since she left me, that she told her she fell out of love with me after I gave her the engagement ring, the engagement she'd been asking for almost two years. She was already starting to black me out from that moment forward, and then the ex came along to stand as the new emotional substitute and it was absolutely over. Her friends don't see it as BPD, just this is how she has always been. She is definitely following my updates, or her friends who are still on my facebook are passing her messages. I wrote a long post basically saying part crazy leaves you with the doubts, what ifs, etc. But at least with full crazy you know there is nothing you could have done, and calling her out for not going to find her own identity, as she claimed she was doing when she left me, but that she ran straight to Seattle, as soon as her new (former ex) boyfriend was physically available. She was supposed to be driving cross country on some journey of self discovery. Instead, she got on a plane and flew to him the first day he was back. I named her actions and named him outright. Her dad said the only words that he could have to get me to take the post down, that I was damaging her. I have not mother___ed her, and have shot down all the others who did. I ended the post saying that help would be given if asked for.

She absolutely knew about it, despite being blocked on facebook, sending a screen shot to our mutual friend (at whose wedding I am supposed to be officiant, and she is supposed to be maid of honor... .although bride is reconsidering that) and asking ":)id you know about this?"

I was sick of telling the story of what happened to us over and over again, and wasn't going to cover for her actions. But yeah, if help was asked for, it would be given. And everyone knows what is going on now (not that it matters, she's far away), and she could actually return if she wanted, no shame, no judgment, no stigma, and have an entire community of support, in the hundreds, standing ready to help her, not just me. I don't think 1 in 1000 could have such. But since she won't ask... .it hurts to think that she's giving him awesome sex right now, it hurts that I think that her sex is the best of her right now, because I don't know what the rest of her is or was.

[Heldfast]

heh, got a cease and desist letter from her by email to the facebook post even though I'd already taken it down:

"I'm writing to you after the attached Facebook post was brought to my attention today. Your Facebook Profile and posts are public and searchable, which means that you have published this post (and a prior one which you hastily deleted). Information in the post is incorrect, taken out of context, and otherwise erroneous. Because you have gone so far as to name individuals with first and last names, as well as to publish this information, you've crossed the line between lashing out and libel. You have maligned my character, which could have a negative impact on both my personal and professional lives. You have publicly accused me, in print, of having a mental disorder: this is libel. Furthermore, you've included the name of someone outside the scope of your personal influence, including details of his professional life that are not necessarily public information.

I don't want to move beyond this email, but if you continue to post publicly in any arena maligning my name or others', I will. This post has cost me at least one client with whom you are Facebook friends. I think you're better than this, even if you don't think I deserve anything less. If you continue to act in this vein, I will take steps to protect my name, my reputation, and those of anyone else you choose to include in this childish campaign to make yourself feel better. You know this is wrong; please stop."

No acknowledgment that she's done anything.

[ColdEthyl]

She most likely won't admit anything, dear. pwBPD are terrible at it. To them admitted fault is admitting they are flawed, and if they are flawed, they are damaged and useless and no one will love them. It's not true, but it's what they think, and feelings=facts for them.

I think you are playing a dangerous game, here. I know you are hurting immensely, and you feel like you really want to 'save' her, but I think your grief and heartache are clouding your judgement. It's been my experience that anything posted on Facebook that's personal issues or sensitive issues is not a good idea for any person, let alone a pwBPD. You are calling her out. I know that wasn't your intent, but that's how it looks to people outside of the relationship, and especially her.

Another thing, hun. BPD isn't something you can save someone from, and she's not going to ask for help. They usually cannot even admit they have a problem. I know you love her, and you care about her and you want to help her. I do, we are all there. But... .hun... .you cannot help her in your state. You have to be able to help yourself first.

I am sorry if I crossed the line, but I can read the heartbreak in your words. I've been where you are before when my BPDh and I had broken up in the past. I felt desperate... .like I would do anything to get him back. I felt... .addicted. It's not a good place to be mentally. You are making decision based on feelings, and that doesn't usually turn out well.

[Heldfast]

Don't think you are over line at all. I lashed out, i admit it. But have since deleted. I will be a better man about this. It's her life, i cannot change her, i am not god. I need to find mefocused things for awhile til my head is all the way clear, but I'll get there.

[ColdEthyl]

At the end of the day, you are the only one who can decide what's right for you. We are all here as support for you

I think you should go do something nice for yourself. Is there a hobby you never tried but wanted to? A place you wanted to go?

[Heldfast]

I think London at month's end i am going to London, to crash with a friend. As for hobbies, ive started organizing a tedx talk, it's a passion. Will find other hobbies.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello Heldfast,

  Welcome to the boards.  I am sorry to hear of what you are going through.  I had a very similar spontaneous break up with me ex fiance.  We were together two years, planning a wedding and then out of nowhere I experienced two weeks of silent treatment and she ended it in a final epic rage where she told me she hated me and listed EVERYTHING she hated about me.  It sent my head spinning that what had been a pretty good R/S up until that point could suddenly and catastrophically fail.  She had mentioned being diagnosed with BPD traits but I never read much about it until things went tits up.

  Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness.  I spend 4 months trying to make sense of things to no avail.  Slowly I have come to accept that despite her good side, there is a tragically unstable wound in her mind that led to this behaviour.  I hope that you are taking care of yourself.  I was lost for a while, I know how a BPD relationship can shatter a heart and mind.  You are not alone, these boards are full of others that have experienced the same madness.  The information here has helped me heal from the loss, I hope that it does the same for you.

Take Care

RS 

[downwhim]

Heldfast,

Well, my ex BPD fiancé freed me of the relationship on October 10, 2014. We got engaged the year before the day after Thanksgiving. He decided it was best if he emailed and called off the engagement, stated he never wanted to get married to me or anyone. He said not to get personal on him. It was over, we were done and it was best for him if we went our own ways. I was in complete shock.

I emailed back, fine then. He had been treating me like crap for 2 months. MIA, raging, starting fights. He knew we were getting closer to making a date. I think he was cheating those two months. He said under his breath that he hadn't dated when we broke up before. He inferred that he needed to now! Great time to start up dating when your engaged right?  He then sent me 11 emails stating I needed to return his ring. Well, I emailed back no, it was mine and I was going N/C and not to contact me again.

That has been it. 3 months 3 days. Not one word. In the meantime the ... .he has been seeing called me twice in the middle of the night announcing she is my twin. This man is cruel and sick and so is my replacement. He has hurt me so bad.

Some days I am better than others. Today I just broke down in tears. We were together for 8 years, a few recycles. He said he loved me everyday, never pushed him for a wedding or to get engaged. No pressure. This was his idea, until it wasn't.

He has split me black. Hates me. Wants nothing to do with me. Busy with replacement while I pick up the pieces of my life and try and start over. God, it is so very hard. I don't know how I got through that first 6 weeks. I still suffer PtSD and my heart is broken. I miss him. I do. I loved him so much and we were in the middle of making so many plans. He had to run. Too close, he needed to escape.

[JRT]

My story is not dissimilar... .sorry to hear this... .hugs to you... .it will get better! Just hang in there!

[downwhim]

JRT,

Thanks, I needed that hug. Just a difficult day. Sun is out yet crispy cold. Miss cuddling up and all the fun things we did as a couple. I know I am avoiding the ugliness of the disease but just for now I want to remember the good and the hope I had. It was real, to me at the time before I learned about delusional fantasy. 

[JRT]

I hope that I have been able to help even if its in a very small way... .if I can suggest: try not to ruminate on the good times... .think about the bad times and remember how crazy and frustrated your were... .how impossible he was... .find the most unflattering photo of them that you can and make that one your mental picture of them; mine began to gain wait and not take care of herself. I found one where she wore a really bad outfit that made her look rotund and on that day, she really didn't do a good job with her makeup... .it makes me feel better to see it... .i think that the trick to getting over this is to train yourself to default to thoughts of the bad things... .

[downwhim]

True. One thing I know I do not miss is the anxiety he projected on me with all his back and forth thinking. He unfortunately takes great pictures. My son got married 4 months ago and he is in all of them with a suit. Yuck. Should I black his face out? .

My biggest problem is we own a timeshare together in Cabo. Last he said was to sell it. Yet, I am going in April with two girlfriends. Then I need to face that issue.

[JRT]

Pictures can be modified... .I'm a photography hobbyist, thats the least of your worries

When you sell the timeshare, I am sure that of the two of you, it is him that will have the most difficult time as he is forced to face you. Thats the issue that I am dealing with right now; y ex did a disappearing act 3 months ago... .I was broken up via text while i was away and have not spoken to her about this at all since she has blocked me from all communication... .her shame is so great that the idea of speaking with me about what she did and why she did it would be to accept her shame full force; a bullet to her head would be less painful in her mind.

[Heldfast]

I have now gotten to the final steps I think I can take as a caring former partner, without going beyond my abilities.

1) I tracked down information on one of her trauma events, the murder of one of her friends. The 3 people responsible for the drive by her friend was killed in are as follows: Gunman -dead, killed in a separate event, the sleazeball drug dealing boyfriend of the girl who was killed is in prison serving 12 years for another event, the driver served 2 years, and has not run afoul of law enforcement since. I gave her this information as she has always been convinced these guys got away with it, and told her I hope it brings her some peace.

2) I spoke to her mother, the one I feel also has issues. We spoke for 45 minutes about my relationship with Brianna and its sudden falling apart, spared no details, and told her why we thought it was BPD. She has also spoken to the therapist my exBPD used down here, and she was unaware that my ex had started to see a therapist in their hometown.

They were also unaware that she had run to Seattle, hate the idea of her being with the ex boyfriend, who they think of as a sleazeball too, and are now much more open to no longer respecting the boundaries that their daughter laid down for them.

[Heldfast]

I just returned the ring. It felt like I was lowering a coffin. I feel a little lighter now, but I made sure to take it out and look at it before going to the store. I just cried.

Downwhim: I had the same talk from my Fiancee as she was heading out the door, that she hadn't had enough time on her own between our relationship and her last one, that she needed to get out and date more, have her own identity. I too think she cheated twice before breaking it off, and probably should have picked up that she was getting flirty when she got a text from an unknown number wishing her a good day from a secret admirer. These people really are emotionally barren and heartless. Whatever the disease is, it renders them into animals. I wouldn't treat my worst enemies the way she treated me.

[downwhim]

I will not return the ring. It is in the safety deposit box and I have not looked at it for 3 months. Nope, I put in my 8 years, 3 recycles, countless rages, heartache, cheating, lying. Nope, it is mine and I earned it! If I want to change it up, sell it, or wear it on my right hand I will. I have decided that it will go to his daughter when I die. That is the best I can do. Honestly.

The pain, abandonment and overall adjustment to start over after all this time is unbelievably hard. But, I know it must be done... .

[Heldfast]

Well, she finally admitted to a mutual friend that she was all about exporing this new relationship with Seattle douchebag, told her parents. They're not thrilled to say the least. I guess this thread gets moved over to moving on.