He's "back" after almost a year…maybe.

[JRT]

It sure is... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wdone]

My way of having closure may be to move on with someone else. I'm at an age and place in my life where I want to get married and maybe have a family. There have been many opportunities for that lately. I'm not sure how to deal with the closure of my feelings though. Like I said I dated someone for the last six months and we had other issues but it was and is nearly impossible for me to be present and open and feel really connected to anyone else. Though I've tried. My ex does know that I dated someone and that he was still pursuing me. He said he was glad he had that info and that it made him feel really good that I still wanted to be with him. But, I am wondering how it affected him… In terms of rejection and abandonment stuff. And his low self-esteem. Anyway, I'm just not sure how to get closure… I feel like my heart will never have closure.

[JRT]

I am not sure if I will get closure either... .this sux.

[wdone]

I just googled "closure after a break up" and all of the articles talk about giving it time, throwing away items that he or she gave to you, one of them said to have no contact and one of them said to be friends. I still can't find anything helpful…

I texted my ex last night, and still no word back. I'm remembering how I lived like this for years with him. The anger, the confusion, the shock, and then the worry and anxiety. I'm starting to wonder if he is okay again… It is baffling to me that he doesn't respond at all sometimes. And I don't know if this will be for days or weeks or months. And, after such a beautiful several FaceTime conversations where we were so connected and laughing and intimate and making plans to see each other.   

[JRT]

After my breakup, I had to start from scratch not having any suspicion that mental illness was involved. I ended up on breakup boards and otherwise (at one point I was sure that her sole problem was that she was an ACoA). I found that on those sites that the normal rules just didn't apply. Interestingly, many of the things that we are struggling with as Non's were bones of contention with the board participants. Funny; I ended up getting abuse from them as ME being some kind of weirdo!

Given the serious and severe nature of BPD, I just don't think that the 'normal' break up site and such really apply in the same way.

[Grey Kitty]

The anger, the confusion, the shock, and then the worry and anxiety. I'm starting to wonder if he is okay again… It is baffling to me that he doesn't respond at all sometimes. And I don't know if this will be for days or weeks or months. And, after such a beautiful several FaceTime conversations where we were so connected and laughing and intimate and making plans to see each other.   

With BPD, it isn't a huge surprise. They are trying to live in between their fear of engulfment and their fear of abandonment. Any real intimacy is likely to trigger the fear of engulfment, and drive distancing behavior... .until the fear of abandonment kicks in stronger, and they swing back. (Often with very little self-awareness on their part.)

 Not that the knowledge makes it any easier or less painful. 

[wdone]

Well, he texted this morning that he's freaked out and overwhelmed, that he doesn't want to talk "right now" …. his text didn't address me going or not going to visit, as if nothing had been talked about.  It seemed like he was texting an acquaintance. 

I forgot about this, his behavior, this feeling. 

I paused, then texted back.  I validated him, told him how I was feeling, and asked more directly about the visit, and if he was canceling.  He responded that yes, he is canceling it "for this week." 

I know this is not it, and I know that he will call again, and I know that he is just dysregulated.  But, God! I am frustrated and hurt.  My close friends are more angry at him than I am... I feel like I understand that he struggles and feel for him.  But, I am a little angry I guess.  Just so sad, and miss him so much and though I'd see him soon…

[wdone]

The anger, the confusion, the shock, and then the worry and anxiety. I'm starting to wonder if he is okay again… It is baffling to me that he doesn't respond at all sometimes. And I don't know if this will be for days or weeks or months. And, after such a beautiful several FaceTime conversations where we were so connected and laughing and intimate and making plans to see each other.   

With BPD, it isn't a huge surprise. They are trying to live in between their fear of engulfment and their fear of abandonment. Any real intimacy is likely to trigger the fear of engulfment, and drive distancing behavior... .until the fear of abandonment kicks in stronger, and they swing back. (Often with very little self-awareness on their part.)

 Not that the knowledge makes it any easier or less painful. 

Thanks you. I don't know why I forget this so easily.   

[shatra]

JRT wrote

  I would very much like closure... .a part of me, becoming so small it doesn't really matter any more, wishes that it could be salvaged.

----Do you mean "closure" in terms of having contact, reviewing what happened, and then making a decision whether to stay or not? You are saying you want closure and partly wish it could be salvaged.

----I am wondering about the actual term "closure"----it doesn't always mean "ending", the term itself can mean "resolving and finalizing any loose ends in a discussion" but doesn't necessarily mean the ending of a relationship.

Shatra

[downwhim]

Can I just say, my ex fiancé and I were together 8 years, broke up one time for 18 months. He did the same thing. Said he did not date, missed me everyday, hunted for me on websites. So sad, I fell for it. We got engaged within 6 months of reuniting.

But, along the way of our reconnecting and trying to combine our two families he started to disconnect. He suddenly was resentful (I guess) that he had not dated anyone but me for 8 years soo... .he decided it was in his best interest to start dating a woman that supposedly is my "twin." He dumped me on an email October 10, 2014. Said, he never wanted to get married and it was what I wanted. Huge lie. Said he wanted HIS ring back and no to get personal on him.

My world shattered that day. Please be careful. He lives a long way away. You really have no clue what he is up to. What I have learned on this site is it is not about the words, it is about what they actually do. They can say whatever they want. It is what they do that counts.

[wdone]

Can I just say, my ex fiancé and I were together 8 years, broke up one time for 18 months. He did the same thing. Said he did not date, missed me everyday, hunted for me on websites. So sad, I fell for it. We got engaged within 6 months of reuniting.

But, along the way of our reconnecting and trying to combine our two families he started to disconnect. He suddenly was resentful (I guess) that he had not dated anyone but me for 8 years soo... .he decided it was in his best interest to start dating a woman that supposedly is my "twin." He dumped me on an email October 10, 2014. Said, he never wanted to get married and it was what I wanted. Huge lie. Said he wanted HIS ring back and no to get personal on him.

My world shattered that day. Please be careful. He lives a long way away. You really have no clue what he is up to. What I have learned on this site is it is not about the words, it is about what they actually do. They can say whatever they want. It is what they do that counts.

I  am so sorry you went through that. Thank you for the heads up. I am already feeling apprehensive now. Although I believe 150% that he is telling the truth about not seeing anybody else. I know that in my gut. And, for other reasons, I know that it's true.  I do agree it is about the actions that he takes… And he canceled for this week. Very sad. Thank you for your experience… And I'm sorry again that you had to go through that. 

[JRT]

JRT wrote

  I would very much like closure... .a part of me, becoming so small it doesn't really matter any more, wishes that it could be salvaged.

----Do you mean "closure" in terms of having contact, reviewing what happened, and then making a decision whether to stay or not? You are saying you want closure and partly wish it could be salvaged.

----I am wondering about the actual term "closure"----it doesn't always mean "ending", the term itself can mean "resolving and finalizing any loose ends in a discussion" but doesn't necessarily mean the ending of a relationship.

Shatra

Some finality would be good... .even if she called me and screamed... .or said she hated the clothes I wore or whatever... .I didn't have the classic acting out type BPD. Mine was very quiet, almost demure. The last recycle came out of nowhere while I was away, she notified me via text and blocked every possible way of contacting me you can think of... .I have no idea even to where she has moved... .but I otherwise had a decent relationship with her

... .even an irrational explanation from her would be better than this.

[wdone]

   No word.

I honestly can't believe how deep of a depression I've sunken into. I always struggle with depression, but after not hearing from him and the fact that he canceled the trip "for now "has me really feeling numb and no hope. I have been in bed for three days. I just wanted to reach out.

I did text him today and asked him when he thinks he might be able to talk again... .I don't know if that was wrong and pushing him. I feel like it's so unfair, like he should at least be able to tell me when he can talk again or give me an idea. But, maybe he doesn't know because of the disorder… Frustrated, and so lethargic. Sadness underneath.

[Grey Kitty]

Is this depression like the prior times he shut you out / broke up?

I wouldn't worry so much about what is right or wrong for him today, especially short texts.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

Is there anything you expect you would enjoy at least a little if you got up and out of bed and did it? Even if you don't feel like it. Actually especially if you don't feel like it.

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug.   

[JRT]

I know how difficult it is... .I know that this is easy for someone to say but it might be worth considering to force yourself out of bed... .go outside... .exercise... .ANYTHING... .I play a musical instrument, when I practiced at night, it all went away... .there has to be SOMETHING... .it goes away with time, I promise.

[wdone]

Is this depression like the prior times he shut you out / broke up?

I wouldn't worry so much about what is right or wrong for him today, especially short texts.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

Is there anything you expect you would enjoy at least a little if you got up and out of bed and did it? Even if you don't feel like it. Actually especially if you don't feel like it.

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug.   

 thanks so much… I think this depression feels very similar to the old feelings I went through went he would disappear.  Maybe not so bad... I don't think I went to the bottom as much, probably because I haven't actually seen him.  I just had such hope and was so happy to connect with him again in a real way-We both always feel connected, but it was just so good to face time with him, and see his face, and laugh, and stare into each others eyes while we both got teary-eyed.  It will never make sense to me, this horrible illness he has.     Crying again. 

He didn't respond to the short text I sent…

I did get up and go see some family, which helped.  I need to get to the gym.  I have been networking/working from bed a bit, so that's something. 

Thanks so much for your support.  Hugs back-I know you're going through hard stuff, too…

[wdone]

I know how difficult it is... .I know that this is easy for someone to say but it might be worth considering to force yourself out of bed... .go outside... .exercise... .ANYTHING... .I play a musical instrument, when I practiced at night, it all went away... .there has to be SOMETHING... .it goes away with time, I promise.

I've been through this cycle so many times, just not in a while.  I got used to laying in bed, sometimes for a month or more when he would go MIA... I always did get up eventually--It's been difficult to find things I am interested in the past few days.  I was planning on a visit and hopefully a move, and was excited about the future.  Now, I feel hopeless again.  I don't know if it will get better if I stop texting/talking/planning again.  The underlying sadness and grief hasn't gone away since he left a year ago. 

[JRT]

Is this depression like the prior times he shut you out / broke up?

I wouldn't worry so much about what is right or wrong for him today, especially short texts.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

Is there anything you expect you would enjoy at least a little if you got up and out of bed and did it? Even if you don't feel like it. Actually especially if you don't feel like it.

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug.   

 thanks so much… I think this depression feels very similar to the old feelings I went through went he would disappear.  Maybe not so bad... I don't think I went to the bottom as much, probably because I haven't actually seen him.  I just had such hope and was so happy to connect with him again in a real way-We both always feel connected, but it was just so good to face time with him, and see his face, and laugh, and stare into each others eyes while we both got teary-eyed.  It will never make sense to me, this horrible illness he has.     Crying again. 

He didn't respond to the short text I sent…

I did get up and go see some family, which helped.  I need to get to the gym.  I have been networking/working from bed a bit, so that's something. 

Thanks so much for your support.  Hugs back-I know you're going through hard stuff, too…

Some other things helped... .I put together a spreadsheet of attributes of hers that I liked versus what I didn't like. It was surprisingly lopsided. Ditto for benefits versus liabilities. Same deal. I did tthis three times... .felt great each time. You will also come to a point where you will feel anger. THis is normal and it really helped me to turn a corner.

[JRT]

I know how difficult it is... .I know that this is easy for someone to say but it might be worth considering to force yourself out of bed... .go outside... .exercise... .ANYTHING... .I play a musical instrument, when I practiced at night, it all went away... .there has to be SOMETHING... .it goes away with time, I promise.

I've been through this cycle so many times, just not in a while.  I got used to laying in bed, sometimes for a month or more when he would go MIA... I always did get up eventually--It's been difficult to find things I am interested in the past few days.  I was planning on a visit and hopefully a move, and was excited about the future.  Now, I feel hopeless again.  I don't know if it will get better if I stop texting/talking/planning again.  The underlying sadness and grief hasn't gone away since he left a year ago. 

Really JOIN something formal... .a class a team a club where you have to show up every tuesday or whatever.

[Grey Kitty]

I've been through this cycle so many times, just not in a while.  I got used to laying in bed, sometimes for a month or more when he would go MIA... I always did get up eventually.

I find it interesting to observe my own cycles. One thing I've done a bunch of times is transition from traveling to back home on my boat... .when my wife isn't with me for at least a few weeks... .and with my boat in a place I don't have many friends, if any.

I've noticed that I always go through a depressed period. My sleep schedule isn't good. I don't accomplish much of anything. I kill time on facebook. I spend way too much time on these boards (hey, it is better than facebook!) I play computer games. I'm generally not particularly sad, but I sure am low energy.

Not that I'm keeping exact count... .but it generally lasts 4~8 days, then I recover and do much better.

wdone, do you find the time period to be consistent? Or are they getting shorter?

[wdone]

I've been through this cycle so many times, just not in a while.  I got used to laying in bed, sometimes for a month or more when he would go MIA... I always did get up eventually.

I find it interesting to observe my own cycles. One thing I've done a bunch of times is transition from traveling to back home on my boat... .when my wife isn't with me for at least a few weeks... .and with my boat in a place I don't have many friends, if any.

I've noticed that I always go through a depressed period. My sleep schedule isn't good. I don't accomplish much of anything. I kill time on facebook. I spend way too much time on these boards (hey, it is better than facebook!) I play computer games. I'm generally not particularly sad, but I sure am low energy.

Not that I'm keeping exact count... .but it generally lasts 4~8 days, then I recover and do much better.

wdone, do you find the time period to be consistent? Or are they getting shorter?

Yea, I am usually in bed doing nothing, feeling lethargic and either numb or devastated.  I spend time on fb,too.  I try to distract myself with funny shows/movies... I honestly feel like I have had this constant sadness underneath all my daily affairs, even if I am enjoying spending time with friends, etc… In the past, it lasted a few weeks to a few months. 

Since we started talking again, and especially after we've spoken, several people, friends and others, have commented on how happy I look and asked me why… I have not laughed or smiled like that in a year.  Pathetic, but true.  I didn't even realize how little I was smiling or laughing. 

Right now, it feels different that in the past… Not sure why, but maybe it has to do with how he's in a different city?  In a way, it feels less intense because I haven't connected with him in person. In a way, it feels more devastating because we finally connected after a year, only to have him pull away again.

I don't know what's going to happen-- there's a big part of me that has hope, and knows when he gets quiet, he is really pondering it in a serious way.  Which may be good…

Another part of me feels like this will never ever end until I cut off all contact.  Which feels really hard, if not impossible. 

I have gotten out of bed the past few days as I have had obligations, and a friend came over and did some yoga with me.  I am doing some step work, and feeling somewhat more stable/grounded, though still have this sad, empty feeling.  And, still waiting.  always waiting….

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm feeling down, and like I'm waiting too much too.

Take good care of yourself, wdone.