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Author Topic: Son wants to live with me  (Read 409 times)
enlighten me
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« on: January 03, 2015, 04:37:08 AM »

I have two boys with my uBPD exw 11 and 13. I had them for christmas. On the 23rd of december they were going to stay with their mum and her husband so they could do presents with them christmas eve.  I got a phone call asking if I could pick them up from their grans. When I got their I found out that their stepdad had blown up at my eldest calling him a liar and a little ass. It came from nowhere and my son was obviously upset.

I spoke to him and he told me the stepdad had a short fuse and blew up all the time over nothing. SDad has had five years og therapy and obviously has some sott of PD.

My son was meant to go home today but refused to. He ran away from his mum. I collected him and he told me he couldnt go on having to walk on eggshells all the time.

I am waiting to see what his mum has to say but am now planning to get him in school where I live.

His mum I think will end up leaving her husband as she has said about this. I will have to see where thus goes but at least my eldest doesnt have to worry anymore about his stepdad. Also wondering what his brother will do as he didnt want to go home but that has more to do with not liking school.
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2015, 09:53:02 AM »

I spoke to him and he told me the stepdad had a short fuse and blew up all the time over nothing. SDad has had five years og therapy and obviously has some sott of PD.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's difficult for your son when his SD has a short fuse and may have misdirected anger on your kids. I can relate. Unfortunately we can't control the going ons in our ex partners home and we can control the temperament in ours.

How's your son? Was it the eldest son that called and ran away?

Your ex may or may not leave him, it's uncertain.

Have you had the chance to speak to her?
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2015, 11:01:23 AM »

Just to update. He refused to go home saturday and said he wanted to live with me and go to school where I live. He said the same on sunday and told my parents it. Then two phone calls from his mum and I had a very confused thirteen year old. He said he would go home and see how things went. I didnt hear the conversation but I can guess there was a lot of emotional blackmail. I took him to his grans to talk to her on his own. My ex called and I told her that he was at her mums and I would let her know what he has decided when I picked him up. She said ok. I went to get him and found him in tears. He screamed at me what had I said to his mum. She had got off the phone to me and phoned her mums in tears saying how I had made her feal like the worst mum in the world. I told him that I had said he was with his gran so he could talk to her in peace and that he was scared of his stepdad and that she needed to start putting the kids before him. I didnt say how disgusted I was that she abandoned her son so she wouldnt miss her stepdaughters birthday which I wanted to say.

long and the short is he is back with her. I said that if it happens again I will go for custody of the boys. Both of them know they are always welcome with me. Im just monitoring the situation now.
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2015, 11:59:59 AM »

I told him that I had said he was with his gran so he could talk to her in peace and that he was scared of his stepdad and that she needed to start putting the kids before him.

Hi enlightenme,

My ex is similar. For example I had brought it to my son's teachers attention at a meeting that I'd like to have my son tested for autism and wanted to get her opinion based on how he interacts in class etc.

I go to meetings separately than my ex because I don't want to be triangulated and made look like the bad person. I don't want my ex to project herself unto me and I want the teachers to get their impression of me firsthand as to build relationships with them with minimal distortions from my ex.

My ex had her appointment after my appointment and the teacher had asked if I was going to discuss the suggestion of testing with my ex. I politely said "I'm sorry, we're recently seperated and I think it may help if you talk to her" The teacher talked about our discussion and I received an accusatory email that evening from my ex "How dare you slag me to the teachers!"

My point. Your ex may display a lack of empathy and lack of impulse control and difficulties seeing beyond her needs, the bigger picture and other people's needs in the family. I understand the frustration and it is a part of the disorder.

This is how she is, it's mental illness and if you tell her she's self centered it's going to trigger feelings of guilt and shame. Someone has to be the bad person and it's certainly not going to be her, she'll blame or alter reality and it's not something that we can control. I don't tell my ex she puts herself in from of the kids as to minimize conflict and I understand she's mentally ill and won't validate my concerns - I deal with her as she is and forgo bringing her maladaptive coping mechanisms to her attention. If she were to egregiously cross a boundary, I save it by documenting it for court at a later time. She may follow the court order if it's enforced by a judge for example as everything I say falls unto deaf ears.

He's scared of his step dad and likely can't depend on mom, it's difficult for your son to cope at home? It's difficult for my D9 as well and I foster trust by keeping what she says with me and not taking it back to mom. Someone that's in her corner, and she has her loyalty and trust with her mom as well. It's painful when we listen to the dysfunctional behaviors acted out on them in their other home. If I need support I speak to a select few friends to vent or I use the boards. I validate her feelings and it helps her to open up and she trusts  and I  give her advice on how to emotionally cope.

On the other side of the coin you also say you are trying to get custody and have them live with you? It may also help that your son's can approach you with their feelings and situations without the fear of it going back to mom. She may also tell her H and make you look like the bad person and it may trigger him?

It's not fun as a parent seeing or hearing the trials they go through with a disordered parent and a parent that displays traits of a PD, it really helps them to have an emotionally stable parent that they can lean on without feeling anxiety that mom or stepdad may find out to lesson the chances of either parent blowing up on them at their other home. Every little bit counts to make their lives a little easier.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2015, 01:03:25 PM »

Hi mutt im not trying for custody but have told her if the abusive behaviour continues she will leave me with no choice. Her marriage isnt great from what both her and her mum have said so I cant see it lasting.

What has really wound everyone up is how she has made it all about her. I realise that pwBPD can put themselves before everyone including their children but I habe constantly had to remind her that its not about how we feel its about our sons and how they feel. At times its like banging your head against a wall and I should know better but I just hope some of it will sink in with her.
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2015, 01:57:35 PM »

Hi enlighten me,

As a dad to another dad it's frustrating hearing and seeing what our kids go though. My advice, don't explain the why's because she's no longer your spouse or SO and she's difficult. If it's something that you have given thought to and you may want to follow through with it. I suggest keeping it to yourself and treat it as a business transaction and go for custody if you choose to, no need to give her a heads up.


I understand the logic that it may get her to realize that her actions are forcing you to maybe take steps. Decide, execute without her involvement. Retain a L and have the L be your voice.

I agree it's like banging your head against the wall and it may not sink in if she's not getting help for herself. You may be right her marriage may not last, she'll still be taking care of the kids and there may be one less dysfunctional parent. I wouldn't bank on it it's 50 / 50, and not a certainty.

Focus on your sons and validate how they feel, strengthen the bond with trust and disengage from mom with hoping it's going to sink in. Her social skills are different than you. I'm sorry for the difficulties your family is going through.
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