"Get Over It"

[workinprogress]

I have to honestly say I hope I never hear this phrase again.  It has been a constant saying of my wife to me anytime I wasn't happy with anything.  Of course, if she wasn't happy about something, it was supposed to be everyone's top priority to fix.

Well, my job has been so stressful for the last couple of years.  It has even been impacting my health.  My blood pressure has shot up, I've had teeth break from me grinding my teeth so hard, and my sleep patterns have been totally disrupted.  I was fortunate enough to be able to take a couple of weeks off over the holidays and I made mention to my wife that it will be tough to go back.

"Get over it," she said.

The lack of care astounds me.

Let me add that I am very fortunate to have the job that I have.  We live in a tough job market and it is a good job.  It's just getting stressful.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flowerpath]

Hi, workinprogress, those are serious health concerns.  Needing the job, being thankful for it in spite of the frustrations, yet it’s affecting your health…it’s a very difficult position to be in. 

There’s little room in their minds for someone else’s needs and concerns, isn’t there? 

In a normal relationship with a normal person, expressing work-related frustrations (and in your case, the consequences on your health) or any other concerns would be such a natural thing, wouldn't it?  In my case, I know that if I bring up concerns with my husband, I will very likely set myself up for disappointment.  He will bristle in defense, list all of his own trials at work and point out that they are far greater than any I have to endure at my job, or throw out his own go-to word: "Whatever!"  (  )  That word sure is a trigger for me!

The alternative of talking with a family member, friend, or physician who will care about it and understand feels sad and like second best.  But ours is not a normal relationship that has a comfortable place for sharing such concerns. 

It sounds as if there is a lot of hostility under the words and tone of “Get over it.”

[Cat Familiar]

In a normal relationship with a normal person, expressing work-related frustrations (and in your case, the consequences on your health) or any other concerns would be such a natural thing, wouldn't it?  In my case, I know that if I bring up concerns with my husband, I will very likely set myself up for disappointment.  He will bristle in defense, list all of his own trials at work and point out that they are far greater than any I have to endure at my job, or throw out his own go-to word: "Whatever!"  (  )  That word sure is a trigger for me!

Yes, it almost becomes a competition: "My life is tougher than yours!" And Flowerpath, I'm totally with you on the "Whatever." Basically that is like saying F-you. It announces the end of discussion and that they don't give a f- about our concerns.

[flowerpath]

Yep.  Lack of empathy and competition.  Parts of the big picture.

Let me add that I am very fortunate to have the job that I have.  We live in a tough job market and it is a good job.  It's just getting stressful.

I totally get this.  Sometimes there are no alternatives, and even if there are, depending on where you are in life, they may not be worth the risk.  In some cases, you’d only trade one set of problems for another.

It is REALLY hard to go back after a break, and I am struggling with the thought of it – by myself! - as tomorrow is the first day back. 

I don’t know if this would help in your line of work, but one thing I do daily to cope with work-related stress is think about what my own personal passions are, and find ways to insert them into my work life.  I’m not passionate about my job, but there are things I am passionate about that I can pursue within the work that I have to do:  being creative, accomplishing goals, helping others (even though the behavior of some people at work is a big part of the stress!), being dependable, and doing what I can to be a positive part of the day for the people I work with.  If I can do my work in a way that gets my passions reinforced, it keeps me from feeling like I am a machine and helps me to tolerate what makes my job so stressful.  It doesn’t make me love my job, but it helps me to notice that I am doing some things that love to do, and it helps me to see how my work does more for me than put money in the bank.

[formflier]

 

What happens if you ask her how you are supposed to take that comment... .?

Or how she would take that if you asked her.

This assumes asking her in a period of calm... .not in an argument.

[drummerboy]

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. For me, the number one trait of a cluster B disorder is a total lack of empathy, they simply don't consider anyones feelings or situations at all, their whole life is about "me, me, me" my ex even told me that! They can't help it, their disorder occupies every waking second of their lives, they simply don't have room to consider another persons life or their feelings.

[workinprogress]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry I haven't responded until now.

I am coping with this the best I can.

During my couple of weeks off I hit the weights really hard.  I think that lifting is really having an anchoring effect on me.  It reduces stress, it is challenging, it takes my mind off of work, and it gives me confidence.

Plus, I am really starting to get pleased with the results!

Thank you again.

[Cat Familiar]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry I haven't responded until now.

I am coping with this the best I can.

During my couple of weeks off I hit the weights really hard.  I think that lifting is really having an anchoring effect on me.  It reduces stress, it is challenging, it takes my mind off of work, and it gives me confidence.

Plus, I am really starting to get pleased with the results!

Thank you again.

Yes, it feels wonderful to work out. Thanks for inspiring me. I've been in a funk during the holidays and I've let this slide. I know I always feel better when I take time for myself. Thanks!

[workinprogress]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry I haven't responded until now.

I am coping with this the best I can.

During my couple of weeks off I hit the weights really hard.  I think that lifting is really having an anchoring effect on me.  It reduces stress, it is challenging, it takes my mind off of work, and it gives me confidence.

Plus, I am really starting to get pleased with the results!

Thank you again.

Yes, it feels wonderful to work out. Thanks for inspiring me. I've been in a funk during the holidays and I've let this slide. I know I always feel better when I take time for myself. Thanks!

You're welcome Cat!  I am glad to have helped someone.   

[formflier]

 

During a period of calm... if you ask you wife to use a different phrase... .what does she say?

[workinprogress]

During a period of calm... if you ask you wife to use a different phrase... .what does she say?

I told her once that I did not like that phrase.  She grew very silent. 

This was actually the first time that she has said it in awhile.  It's just that she says it when I am expressing some very deep emotion or frustration.

[pallavirajsinghani]

How about if you replied to "Get over it" with:

Yes, I would love to.  And that is exactly why I am sharing with you.  Any help you can give me in "getting over it" is much appreciated.  What do you suggest?"

Not uttered in sarcasm... .but as a genuine opening to further conversation.

[formflier]

During a period of calm... if you ask you wife to use a different phrase... .what does she say?

I told her once that I did not like that phrase.  She grew very silent. 

This was actually the first time that she has said it in awhile.  It's just that she says it when I am expressing some very deep emotion or frustration.

OK... .this is good.  It had an impact.  The key is to keep coming back to the issue... .in times of calm... .and get a response... .not silence.

This may take a while... because you don't want to push.

And this may trigger another conversation of "how do I interpret silence... ?"

[workinprogress]

How about if you replied to "Get over it" with:

Yes, I would love to.  And that is exactly why I am sharing with you.  Any help you can give me in "getting over it" is much appreciated.  What do you suggest?"

Not uttered in sarcasm... .but as a genuine opening to further conversation.

That sounds like a good suggestion!  I will give it a try.