FTC - I commit...

[Depression = 72% of members]

In an effort to stay better focused on myself, I am going to commit to doing the following:

1.  At least once a day, I am going to talk to someone besides my BPDh.  Right now days go by and he is the only person I talk to.  That needs to change.

2.  I will leave the house at least once a day.  I'm not doing that now, either.  I'm committing to a walk, or going out to enjoy the outdoors everyday, at least for a little while.  I don't have wheels, and we live in an isolated area, so this is the best I can do about getting out, for now.  There is no 'stepping out' into public here, you step out into nature.  This has it's benefits too, tho.

3.  I will make every effort to get to, and stay involved in my volunteer work.  When I get really down, I let this stuff slide, and so I'm committing to making more effort to stay involved, regardless of how I feel.

4.  I will get myself counselling, either one on one, or in a group setting.  I've already started the ball rolling on this one, it's just a matter of seeing it through.

5.  I am committing to doing something towards gaining an income at least five days a week.  This is a real sore spot for me, and I don't yet have a clear picture of what this will actually look like. 

I am well educated, I have had a smorgasbord of experiences in my life, and yet, now, I keep taking poopy jobs out of 'necessity'.  My BPDh pushes me in that direction because he has no confidence in his ability to support himself, let alone someone else.  He is really good at sabotage, and so if he thinks we don't have enough money, he spends enough to make sure we don't have enough money.  I think you guys know what I'm talking about here.  To take his pay check is to 'control' him, and that's a positive boundary he has that I respect.  So, I keep looking to someone else to pay me to work. 

My resume reads like a menu in an industry definitions manual.  Employers see this as an undefined career, and hence, I'm stuck scraping the barrel's bottom.  I have high moral ethics and every large corporation I've worked for has asked me to put these aside for my paycheck.  I'm too stubborn to do it, hence I loose in the world of social status, and I have a hard time moving up in big companies.  I've worked for NGOs but, again they pay crap.  There's other stuff here too... .like I said this is a sore spot for me.

My point is that my gut tells me that now is the time for me to stop relying on other people to cut me a check for my time, and to start selling things that produce, or at the very least, put my management skills to use in some form of self employment.  BPDh voices support with every effort I make towards this goal, and then does everything to sabotage me to fail.  I need to somehow find the strength to fight through all this and win this battle, or I will become a miserable, bitter, cranky employee, and a real ugly wife 

This commitment is a compromise and is up for discussion, if anyone sees something here I dont.  Each working day, I will spend time producing and marketing something and time applying for jobs.  If my products start to sell, he will be encouraged and perhaps more willing to leave me be to actually pursue this with more effort.  The problem is if I get full time work, I stop doing the other stuff and feel stuck again. 

This is only a five item list, but it feels enormous! Am I taking on too much? I've never done this before, and have no clue what I'm doing.  Any feedback is welcome.  I'm starting Tuesday, when BPDh goes back to work, so I have time to make adjustments if necessary.

thanks, and blessings all,

c.

[Crumbling]

In an effort to stay better focused on myself, I am going to commit to doing the following:

1.  At least once a day, I am going to talk to someone besides my BPDh.  Right now days go by and he is the only person I talk to.  That needs to change.

2.  I will leave the house at least once a day.  I'm not doing that now, either.  I'm committing to a walk, or going out to enjoy the outdoors everyday, at least for a little while.  I don't have wheels, and we live in an isolated area, so this is the best I can do about getting out, for now.  There is no 'stepping out' into public here, you step out into nature.  This has it's benefits too, tho.

3.  I will make every effort to get to, and stay involved in my volunteer work.  When I get really down, I let this stuff slide, and so I'm committing to making more effort to stay involved, regardless of how I feel.

4.  I will get myself counselling, either one on one, or in a group setting.  I've already started the ball rolling on this one, it's just a matter of seeing it through.

5.  I am committing to doing something towards gaining an income at least five days a week.  This is a real sore spot for me, and I don't yet have a clear picture of what this will actually look like. 

I am well educated, I have had a smorgasbord of experiences in my life, and yet, now, I keep taking poopy jobs out of 'necessity'.  My BPDh pushes me in that direction because he has no confidence in his ability to support himself, let alone someone else.  He is really good at sabotage, and so if he thinks we don't have enough money, he spends enough to make sure we don't have enough money.  I think you guys know what I'm talking about here.  To take his pay check is to 'control' him, and that's a positive boundary he has that I respect.  So, I keep looking to someone else to pay me to work. 

My resume reads like a menu in an industry definitions manual.  Employers see this as an undefined career, and hence, I'm stuck scraping the barrel's bottom.  I have high moral ethics and every large corporation I've worked for has asked me to put these aside for my paycheck.  I'm too stubborn to do it, hence I loose in the world of social status, and I have a hard time moving up in big companies.  I've worked for NGOs but, again they pay crap.  There's other stuff here too... .like I said this is a sore spot for me.

My point is that my gut tells me that now is the time for me to stop relying on other people to cut me a check for my time, and to start selling things that produce, or at the very least, put my management skills to use in some form of self employment.  BPDh voices support with every effort I make towards this goal, and then does everything to sabotage me to fail.  I need to somehow find the strength to fight through all this and win this battle, or I will become a miserable, bitter, cranky employee, and a real ugly wife 

This commitment is a compromise and is up for discussion, if anyone sees something here I dont.  Each working day, I will spend time producing and marketing something and time applying for jobs.  If my products start to sell, he will be encouraged and perhaps more willing to leave me be to actually pursue this with more effort.  The problem is if I get full time work, I stop doing the other stuff and feel stuck again. 

This is only a five item list, but it feels enormous! Am I taking on too much? I've never done this before, and have no clue what I'm doing.  Any feedback is welcome.  I'm starting Tuesday, when BPDh goes back to work, so I have time to make adjustments if necessary.

thanks, and blessings all,

c.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Great list.

I've got a thought... .this came from a productivity tool called "Getting Things Done". They distinguish between projects and next actions.

Items #1, and #2 are very clear actions. You just do them. (or don't do them) No ambiguity.

Item #3 about volunteer work isn't quite as clear. Is there a specific daily or weekly action you will take in that?

Item #4 is two sets of actions: The first set is the actions you take to find counseling

Once you do that, you will have actions to follow up and get counseling.

Item #5 is a project: Get a good job / career. This is a big project, and accomplishing it will take a bunch of actions, many of which you haven't even identified yet.

Every week, think of a few concrete actions you can take to move that project forward.

[vortex of confusion]

As I read your list, I thought, "Wow, that is a rather big list." That isn't a bad thing though. I wonder if you can't try to implement some things in phases. Start out with the goal of talking to somebody every day. As you get that firmly established, you can start focusing on getting outside the house. I know that I will make lists of things that I want/need to do and then I will get overwhelmed and lose all momentum.

I agree with GK. Is there some kind of specific commitment that you can make with regards to the volunteering? For example, if you commit to an organization one time a week for certain hours, it might be easier to follow through. I have a difficult time with vague commitments. I do better when I can pencil in an exact date and time.

What do you have in mind when you say you are committed to gaining an income? Can you break that up into smaller steps? When I was looking for work, I started out by updating my resume and doing some research as to what type of resume would suit my purposes best. In some cases, creating a skills resume that highlights skills and experience over actual jobs helps. I don't know. It is something to think about. If you know somebody in your chosen field, maybe you could get some feedback from them. That would serve two purposes. Help you reconnect with others and give you somebody to talk to about something other than the relationship.

The next thing I did with regards to the income stuff was commit myself to looking at the job boards every day. I have two part time jobs. My next goal is to find a way to work my way into full time work. That is going to require me to get stay at my part time job for quite a while as my field doesn't count part time work fully. I would have to work two years to get credit for a full year of experience. In the mean time, I am looking at the job boards trying to figure out what kinds of experience I need to get to build myself professionally. I would like to figure out a way to start my own business but I have tabled that idea as I don't have enough vision or focus. So, I figure that I will focus on working for somebody else, building my resume, and trying to build up myself and my self esteem. I find that having my boss, coworkers, and customers compliment me helps me to feel better about myself. I know that one should be strong enough to validate him/herself but I realize that is an area where I am really lacking these days.

Here is a hug for encouragement! 

[Crumbling]

Thanks, folks, for the awesome feedback.  GK, the language you used helped me see how to tackle this, so that it didn't seem like having to eat an elephant! 

Items #1, and #2 are very clear actions. You just do them. (or don't do them) No ambiguity.

Item #3 about volunteer work isn't quite as clear. Is there a specific daily or weekly action you will take in that?

Right.  I thought I'd just keep track on a calendar/journal the days I do/the days I don't get these things accomplished.  The volunteer work is finite.  It's two commitments, weekly and monthly, with a bit of 'homework' in between.  Again, just a matter of getting there, and keeping track of it.

Item #4 is two sets of actions: The first set is the actions you take to find counseling

Once you do that, you will have actions to follow up and get counseling.

I almost felt guilty including this one, because it feels like a freebie.  I know I need counselling, my freakout last month scared me.  Above everything else, I am so committed to this one.  I've had lots of different therapies before, and it all does me good.  I'm open to it and so ready.

Item #5 is a project: Get a good job / career. This is a big project, and accomplishing it will take a bunch of actions, many of which you haven't even identified yet.

Every week, think of a few concrete actions you can take to move that project forward.

This advice sounds good.  My knees literally get shaky when I think about this.  It needs to be tackled in a rather timely matter, but I also have no clue in what direction to go in. 

VC, I like what you said about the resume stuff too.  I am going to look at perhaps having this as my concrete action this week.

Thks so much again, I gotta go move some very heavy wet snow.   and mull things over.

Blessings all,

c.

[formflier]

 

Crumbling,

I'm very proud of the work you are doing here.  Thanks for sharing... .

[vortex of confusion]

2.  I will leave the house at least once a day.  I'm not doing that now, either.  I'm committing to a walk, or going out to enjoy the outdoors everyday, at least for a little while.  I don't have wheels, and we live in an isolated area, so this is the best I can do about getting out, for now.  There is no 'stepping out' into public here, you step out into nature.  This has it's benefits too, tho.

I had a thought about this while I was sitting on my porch. I have set up a little sitting area where I have a little table and a comfy chair where I can go sit on my porch and just exist. I am not sure if this would help you or not but have you thought about setting up some kind of little sanctuary in nature where you could sit and read or think or listen to some music. My little sanctuary is my porch where I go to smoke. :-)

[flowerpath]

Hi, Crumbling.  Way to go! 

Every week, think of a few concrete actions you can take to move that project forward.

My knees literally get shaky when I think about this.  It needs to be tackled in a rather timely matter, but I also have no clue in what direction to go in. 

A couple of nights ago I watched a webcast about making 2015 a better year, and one thing the speaker mentioned besides taking action is that you don't have to have a detailed action plan and the whole picture before you.  You just need to see the next step and act on it - get into motion. Another of his suggestions is to do the easiest things first to create momentum. 

[Crumbling]

        

Thanks for all the great feedback and support.  This is so helpful.  You're like my sounding board.

I've got my tracking calendar/volunteer journal set up so I can keep track of #'s 1, 2, and 3.

I have a volunteer opportunity today, that I just found out about.  My BPDh automatically started shaking his head no, while we both listened to the voice mail about it this morning.  He quickly pointed out that I have no wheels to get there, which is true, but if I'm going to be true to my commitments, I'm going to have to find another way there.

#4 is just a matter of waiting for a call back right now.

Now the big one, #5: 

I like what Flowerpath suggested, not getting boggled down with trying to see the whole picture.  One step at a time, right?  All I have concrete for this week so far, is that I'm going to work at revamping my resume.  I do watch the job boards daily, and have for years.  It is always the same jobs, around here, anyway, ones that pay crap and expect blood.  I will keep doing this nonetheless, but to appease my creative self, I'm also going to need to balance this with something towards self employment.

Remember high school and going to the counsellor’s office to do a career path evaluation or skills testing or something like that?  I wish I could do something similar.  I wish I could just key in all my experiences and skills, and have a program spew out the top five options for success.  Maybe this could be my next concrete action, to find a career counsellor or something.

I love VC's ' orch niche' idea, but our house is so not set up for this.  Lots of plans for additions and renos, but right now, we have a great room and a laundry room downstairs, and one bedroom and bath upstairs, that's it. 

I have imagined having an office like space in the laundry room before.  Two challenges here, one is it's full of crap that needs sorting and moved; and two, it's bitter cold in there, so I'd need a source of heat connected.  It would be so nice to be able to actually go in there, and shut the door with a 'do not distrub' sign, when necessary.  It would feel like putting the baby/BPDh to bed, shutting the door and turning off the monitor, just for a little while           

To focus on this now, tho, would just feel like a distraction.  Very soon, or preferably now, I need income-producing actions, so I should stay focused in that direction first. 

I have also signed up for a bartering club and am presently in 'negotiations'.  I'm going to count this as a concrete action here too.  Anything that contributes to the daily necessities of this house, I'm counting as work.



I woke up this morning feeling revved and focused.  What a change.  I still need to keep pushing myself to do this, but if I just stay focused on the goal... .

Thanks for being there, you're awesome.

c.

[formflier]

 

What's going on with lack of wheels? 

What solutions do you have in mind?

[Crumbling]

We have a mechanically-challenged vehicle in the yard that we don't have the money to fix.  The sooner I can secure some funds, the sooner I can get it going.

[Grey Kitty]

Can you drop your H off at work, take the car for the day, then pick him up when he's ready to return?

[Crumbling]

I can if necessary, but he works an hour away from home.  I can go into town with him, and stay the day, I've done that before, but it makes for a very long day.  I can travel with him, if I get employment that has similar hours too. 

I'm not completely stuck, in this way.

[Grey Kitty]

I can if necessary, but he works an hour away from home.  I can go into town with him, and stay the day, I've done that before, but it makes for a very long day.  I can travel with him, if I get employment that has similar hours too. 

I'm not completely stuck, in this way.

Yes, a long day... .but lots of opportunities to do things that can further your own goals during the day too.

Working toward the things that are on your list will require making some tough choices.

Are there ways you can save money to be able to fix the other car sooner rather than later? Maybe you can get someone in the bartering club to work on the car, in exchange for things you can do?

[Crumbling]

Yep, working on that now - the bartering option, I mean.

[Crumbling]

I've done 1 and 2 all week.  This is an improvement for me.  I can go days and not leave this tiny little cabin.  I think I just need to keep myself accountable.

Volunteer work, well, didn't get to something I should have and didn't follow up.  So, big x on this one.

Resume revamp, nope.  I get really overwhelmed when I look at it.  I think it's my past staring back at me.

Job searches - I have been doing well here.  I'm passing out my resume as is, and applying to what I can. 

I found a number to call a career counsellor, got mad that I had to 'qualify' and it's a gov sponsored program, and didn't call.  I think I'm going to call next week, and make an appointment for both of us, to see if we 'qualify', grr that bugs me - I paid my taxes, isn't that 'qualification' enough?

On another note, I did one of those physiological tests online and it told me I was massive depressive... .I do feel enormous amounts of sadness.  Anyone else ever done this?  Did the answer feel 'right'?  Mine did, but I'm no expert.

[Grey Kitty]

  GREAT! Keep at it. Talking to someone and taking a walk seems small... .but the result really helps. (And if you are depressed, both activities are highly recommended to improve that too!)

I'm concerned abut this one:

I found a number to call a career counsellor, got mad that I had to 'qualify' and it's a gov sponsored program, and didn't call.  I think I'm going to call next week, and make an appointment for both of us, to see if we 'qualify'

Don't do it. Don't make that an "us" thing. You have enough trouble staying motivated and figuring out your own job search. Getting his career or job search involved with yours will only muddy the waters for you, and they are already too muddy for you!

In addition, if you start with him, then he loses motivation and stops, it will drag you down. If you are doing it on your own, you are protected from that.

Yes, do call and make an appointment to check availability for yourself!

[Grey Kitty]

Time for me to make my own FTC type commitments. (If I had bread in the house I might cook french toast too. Haven't done that in a while. Yum.)

1. I will leave my residence at least once a day as well.

2. I will meditate every day. If only five minutes.

3. I will talk with somebody every day. (Possibly a long chat instead of voice)

4. I'm working on my boat. Some days I don't do as much as I want to... .I'm not sure what my realistic goal regarding that is, but I'll at least work on it. Kinda like your job search, Crumbling.

[Crumbling]

     YEAH!  I've got a partner in 'time-about-me'!  Welcome aboard, GK!

I love this.  You need this too, I see that from your recent threads.   

Meditation is an excellent commitment. The whole list is good, GK.  When I read #3, I chuckled, because I catch myself thinking things like, I called and got the answering machine, that counts.  Or I answered a telemarketer's call who was a real person, so that counts.  I've had to be more definitive here.  "I will speak with a friend or family member at least once a day - voice to voice."

Do you have a calendar, or something set up to keep track?  It feels good to tick off the days, and to feel like I'm at least accomplishing this. 

My BPDh has actually made arrangements to work with a friend to get the mechanical work done on our second vehicle, now that we have the parts.  So this is progressing, slowly but surely.

 

Thanks again, for the support.  It feels good to be held accountable.

C.

[Grey Kitty]

Regarding my commitment to talk with somebody... .sometimes I have very involved online chat conversations. I do prefer voice calls, but they that kind of exchange does count for me. But no, the answering machines and telemarketers don't. Neither does a two-text message exchange!

No, I'm not tracking it on a calendar. I might start doing more though.

[MissyM]

Remember high school and going to the counsellor’s office to do a career path evaluation or skills testing or something like that?  I wish I could do something similar.  I wish I could just key in all my experiences and skills, and have a program spew out the top five options for success.  Maybe this could be my next concrete action, to find a career counsellor or something.

Actually there are.  If there is a community college anywhere near you, they can do some of the testing there.  There are a couple of tests offered.  Strong Inventory, Strength Finder and Myers Briggs are done together sometimes.  Then you are issued a top 10 list of career choices.  My eldest found these tests helpful (they were offered by a career counselor that she saw) and she made the decision to switch her career.

[Crumbling]

Thanks for the suggestions.  I really like the idea of a community college, they may be able to help.  Thanks for that.

GK, It's been a week since you made these commitments, have you stuck with it?

I have applied for and been denied two jobs, and I haven't made the appointment with a career councillor yet.  I did look at what is available abroad, and how to go about applying.  I've been really considering taking work in another country, but with my BPDh being laid off last week, I have been having to deal with a new schedule, and it's been tough.  We did have two out of seven really good days, the others were like roller coasters with, his emotions switching around like crazy all the time. 

I've kept up one and two of my list, so I'm proud of this, and I can tell how much it does help, now.  I'm still waiting on the call back about T.

gotta go.

[Grey Kitty]

Hey! I was thinking of you yesterday. I stumbled onto some bread, so I did make myself French Toast 

I missed meditation one day this week. The other two daily activities I accomplished all week.

I'm happy with that. Boat progress is happening too.

On the job front, I'd recommend that you look clearly at your project of finding a job and a career, and make a list of all the specific actions you can think of. Some of those actions you won't be able to do right now--they may require waiting for someone to get back to you, or waiting for you to do another action first. Make the list anyway. Put any actions that are waiting on something else aside, perhaps with a reminder when you should check on them again.

The project seems overwhelming because many things you think you should just do are actually multi-step operations with decisions hidden in them.

For example "Get a job at Apple." sounds like a simple action, but it isn't. It is more of a sub-project to the "get a job" project. Look to break it down into specific tasks, for example:

- Read Apple's job listings.

- Check your social network for people you know who work for Apple.

- Call (friend x) who works at Apple and let them know you are interested in working there, and ask if they know of anything.

The list could get a lot longer... .that's the idea though.

[vortex of confusion]

On the job front, I'd recommend that you look clearly at your project of finding a job and a career, and make a list of all the specific actions you can think of. Some of those actions you won't be able to do right now--they may require waiting for someone to get back to you, or waiting for you to do another action first. Make the list anyway. Put any actions that are waiting on something else aside, perhaps with a reminder when you should check on them again.

I am so glad that GK brought this up!

My goal of getting a full time job requires so many intermediate steps. First, I had to find a part time job so that I can build up my skills and get back up to speed in my profession. And, I have to look at other factors that play into my ability to get full time work. One of those is child care. My kids are not quite old enough to be able to manage things without a babysitter or some form of child care. But, that is okay because while I am waiting for them to get older, I can work part time and continue to look at job boards and such. I am also thinking about looking into joining some of the professional organizations for my profession. And, like GK recommended, I am making other people aware of my plans. My boss approached me and asked if I would ever be willing to work for them full time. It is actually kind of a win-win situation because I can't do it anytime soon and nobody is talking about leaving any time soon. So, it may be a matter of working for them until the kids are old enough and a full time position opens up. It is all part of a 5 year plan that I have. I think it helpful for me to have a bit of a time frame. It gives me a little bit more hope and it keeps me from getting discouraged when things aren't happening as quickly as I would like them to happen.

[Crumbling]

    Thanks for the great feedback and thoughts.

I've applied your suggestions. I made a detailed list of possible paths I can take to achieve this goal of earning an income, then listed the steps required for each, and as I started to really imagine the various paths to put a time line to my two best choices, it slowly became clearer and clearer to me that if I focus on anything besides what I feel best defines who I am, then I will fail, because I know my heart just wont be in it. 

This needs to be the final time I choose a career path.  This 'start over' needs to be the last one. I need to stick to it for the rest of my career.  It's really important to me that I do this right and not take jobs because they are there, without any direction or more concrete goals.  It needs to clearly reflect me and who I am.  It's the best avenue for success, right?  Doing what you love.

It has to be a broad and adaptable career that can survive the changes of time, but defined enough that I stop feeling like a jack of all trades/master of none.  So the next step should be easy, right, pick that one thing I love that I can really see myself doing for the rest of my life.  Nope.  Because when I list these, they all include working from my home. 

I thought for a while that my BPDh was going to be able to support my work from home plan, but his actions over the past six months have made me realize that he likely isn't capable of doing this. 

When I'm not making money at it, he will continually push me to find other employment because he doesn't feel we can live off his salary (even though we could if he'd stop spending so much money!).  I know this because it's what he's been doing now and, I think, the very reason I'm so confused and 'fogged out', I guess, on this topic, and feel like I'm going in circles.

And if I do make good money, than he'll be most likely say that I make enough to support both of us, and quit his own job.  He doesn't do well when he's unemployed at all.  He gets really self destructive.  This would not be a good environment for me to work in.

This whole exercise has left me back where I started - feeling like I can't be who I need to be while I'm Mrs BPDh.  I get into all this stinkin' thinkin' about how it's unfair, and how I hate having to sacrifice so much in this r/s, blah blah blah.   Then my head goes under the pillow and I don't want to talk about it.

People causally say 'let go of the things that are holding you back', but he11, what if that means letting go of your husband?  I'm stuck!

     

[vortex of confusion]

Sending you a great big hug! 

I can so relate to your latest post.

Would it be possible for you to pursue both avenues? Work from home and part time work outside of the house? Working outside the house has been a real boon to my psyche.

Would it be helpful if you didn't look at the bigger picture? When I look at the bigger picture, I am like you and get overwhelmed and want to crawl back under my rock. Baby steps, baby steps. . .(What movie is that from?)

Can you get your own bank account so that your husband doesn't know how much money you do or don't have?

Is there a reason that you feel like you have to choose something that you can stick with for the rest of your life? Is that realistic?

[formflier]

Is there a reason that you feel like you have to choose something that you can stick with for the rest of your life? Is that realistic?

VOC is on the right track here... .

Just worry about getting a job.  Then get a better one... and a better one... .

[Notwendy]

I get the idea of having ones own account, but keeping it from your spouse is hard especially when it comes to filing taxes.

In the case of an abusive spouse, I think it would be essential to have a source of money that the spouse did not have access too, at least enough to get away if you had to.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound like you are on the right track... .even if you have tough choices to make.

I'll second the suggestion that you get your own account. And I'd suggest you sign up for a credit card in your name only if you can.

You don't have to keep your income or balance secret if you don't want to.

I'd recommend you not spend too much time worrying about what he will do with his job and career. You don't have much influence over that. All you can do is take care of your own.

This needs to be the final time I choose a career path.  This 'start over' needs to be the last one. I need to stick to it for the rest of my career.  It's really important to me that I do this right and not take jobs because they are there, without any direction or more concrete goals.  It needs to clearly reflect me and who I am.  It's the best avenue for success, right?  Doing what you love.

I see your point. I'd also add that sometimes a career shift isn't starting over from scratch. You can go to a different job in the same industry or same company; You can keep the same kind of job, but get into a different industry. Sometimes you realize that if you pull half of the skills and experiences of your last three jobs together, you have EXACTLY what you need for a new job.

My suggestion is to take jobs that put you closer to where you want to be in your career than you are right now I know someone who decided he wanted to become a nurse. He got a job as a CNA while he tried to get into nursing school. It was a bit of a restart from his prior career as an engineer, but it was a step in the direction he wanted to go. (And he's now graduated and working as a nurse.)

[vortex of confusion]

I'll second the suggestion that you get your own account. And I'd suggest you sign up for a credit card in your name only if you can.

You don't have to keep your income or balance secret if you don't want to.

I don't keep my income secret at all. I have one of my checks go into the joint account and another check go into MY account. The purpose of having my own account isn't to have secrets but to have money set aside that I can use however I want and to keep my husband from being able to access it on a whim. I have complete control over that money and that account. The only time I tell him how much is in the account is it becomes relevant to paying the bills.

[Crumbling]

 

When I went back and read my post, I realized that working part time is the answer!  Thanks for confirming that it's a good move for me!

I have my own account, we always have.  Something I knew I needed right from the start.  Sometimes I avoid relieving my financial standing and other times I do lie.  I have to, or he spends all his money, than relies on mine to get us through.

Here is a snapshot of what I'm faced with daily.

I have my list all set out in front of me for what steps I have set up for what goals... .this whole thing we're discussing here.  I have a goal to take a step towards my professional career, one for my business start up, and one to find employment.  On the employment list, I have three options:  one is p/t, close to home, low pay; one is something I would believe in and could likely do well with, but it pays so so; one is f/t working for a bank selling financial products (something I would absolutely abhor doing), but good pay (but it's on my list - the pay is good).

My BPDh comes in the room, reads the list, then says, 'you're not going to apply for that bank job are you'.  I respond, 'yeah, that's why I have it on my to do list, so I won't do it.'  Then he says, 'never mind me, I haven't had my coffee yet.'  This stupid statement followed by never mind happened SEVEN times before I finished my breakfast.

By the time I was ready for the day, I didn't feel like doing anything on my list.  It's like he needs to deflate me everytime he sees me make a positive step in my life.  It's exhausting.