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Author Topic: FTC - I commit...  (Read 1163 times)
Crumbling
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« on: January 04, 2015, 08:44:47 AM »

In an effort to stay better focused on myself, I am going to commit to doing the following:

1.  At least once a day, I am going to talk to someone besides my BPDh.  Right now days go by and he is the only person I talk to.  That needs to change.

2.  I will leave the house at least once a day.  I'm not doing that now, either.  I'm committing to a walk, or going out to enjoy the outdoors everyday, at least for a little while.  I don't have wheels, and we live in an isolated area, so this is the best I can do about getting out, for now.  There is no 'stepping out' into public here, you step out into nature.  This has it's benefits too, tho.

3.  I will make every effort to get to, and stay involved in my volunteer work.  When I get really down, I let this stuff slide, and so I'm committing to making more effort to stay involved, regardless of how I feel.

4.  I will get myself counselling, either one on one, or in a group setting.  I've already started the ball rolling on this one, it's just a matter of seeing it through.

5.  I am committing to doing something towards gaining an income at least five days a week.  This is a real sore spot for me, and I don't yet have a clear picture of what this will actually look like. 

I am well educated, I have had a smorgasbord of experiences in my life, and yet, now, I keep taking poopy jobs out of 'necessity'.  My BPDh pushes me in that direction because he has no confidence in his ability to support himself, let alone someone else.  He is really good at sabotage, and so if he thinks we don't have enough money, he spends enough to make sure we don't have enough money.  I think you guys know what I'm talking about here.  To take his pay check is to 'control' him, and that's a positive boundary he has that I respect.  So, I keep looking to someone else to pay me to work. 

My resume reads like a menu in an industry definitions manual.  Employers see this as an undefined career, and hence, I'm stuck scraping the barrel's bottom.  I have high moral ethics and every large corporation I've worked for has asked me to put these aside for my paycheck.  I'm too stubborn to do it, hence I loose in the world of social status, and I have a hard time moving up in big companies.  I've worked for NGOs but, again they pay crap.  There's other stuff here too... .like I said this is a sore spot for me.

My point is that my gut tells me that now is the time for me to stop relying on other people to cut me a check for my time, and to start selling things that produce, or at the very least, put my management skills to use in some form of self employment.  BPDh voices support with every effort I make towards this goal, and then does everything to sabotage me to fail.  I need to somehow find the strength to fight through all this and win this battle, or I will become a miserable, bitter, cranky employee, and a real ugly wife 

This commitment is a compromise and is up for discussion, if anyone sees something here I dont.  Each working day, I will spend time producing and marketing something and time applying for jobs.  If my products start to sell, he will be encouraged and perhaps more willing to leave me be to actually pursue this with more effort.  The problem is if I get full time work, I stop doing the other stuff and feel stuck again. 

This is only a five item list, but it feels enormous! Am I taking on too much? I've never done this before, and have no clue what I'm doing.  Any feedback is welcome.  I'm starting Tuesday, when BPDh goes back to work, so I have time to make adjustments if necessary.

thanks, and blessings all,

c.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2015, 11:05:11 AM »

Great list.

I've got a thought... .this came from a productivity tool called "Getting Things Done". They distinguish between projects and next actions.

Items #1, and #2 are very clear actions. You just do them. (or don't do them) No ambiguity.

Item #3 about volunteer work isn't quite as clear. Is there a specific daily or weekly action you will take in that?

Item #4 is two sets of actions: The first set is the actions you take to find counseling

Once you do that, you will have actions to follow up and get counseling.

Item #5 is a project: Get a good job / career. This is a big project, and accomplishing it will take a bunch of actions, many of which you haven't even identified yet.

Every week, think of a few concrete actions you can take to move that project forward.
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« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2015, 11:38:16 AM »

As I read your list, I thought, "Wow, that is a rather big list." That isn't a bad thing though. I wonder if you can't try to implement some things in phases. Start out with the goal of talking to somebody every day. As you get that firmly established, you can start focusing on getting outside the house. I know that I will make lists of things that I want/need to do and then I will get overwhelmed and lose all momentum.

I agree with GK. Is there some kind of specific commitment that you can make with regards to the volunteering? For example, if you commit to an organization one time a week for certain hours, it might be easier to follow through. I have a difficult time with vague commitments. I do better when I can pencil in an exact date and time.

What do you have in mind when you say you are committed to gaining an income? Can you break that up into smaller steps? When I was looking for work, I started out by updating my resume and doing some research as to what type of resume would suit my purposes best. In some cases, creating a skills resume that highlights skills and experience over actual jobs helps. I don't know. It is something to think about. If you know somebody in your chosen field, maybe you could get some feedback from them. That would serve two purposes. Help you reconnect with others and give you somebody to talk to about something other than the relationship.

The next thing I did with regards to the income stuff was commit myself to looking at the job boards every day. I have two part time jobs. My next goal is to find a way to work my way into full time work. That is going to require me to get stay at my part time job for quite a while as my field doesn't count part time work fully. I would have to work two years to get credit for a full year of experience. In the mean time, I am looking at the job boards trying to figure out what kinds of experience I need to get to build myself professionally. I would like to figure out a way to start my own business but I have tabled that idea as I don't have enough vision or focus. So, I figure that I will focus on working for somebody else, building my resume, and trying to build up myself and my self esteem. I find that having my boss, coworkers, and customers compliment me helps me to feel better about myself. I know that one should be strong enough to validate him/herself but I realize that is an area where I am really lacking these days.

Here is a hug for encouragement! 
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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2015, 12:37:29 PM »

Thanks, folks, for the awesome feedback.  GK, the language you used helped me see how to tackle this, so that it didn't seem like having to eat an elephant! 

Items #1, and #2 are very clear actions. You just do them. (or don't do them) No ambiguity.

Item #3 about volunteer work isn't quite as clear. Is there a specific daily or weekly action you will take in that?

Right.  I thought I'd just keep track on a calendar/journal the days I do/the days I don't get these things accomplished.  The volunteer work is finite.  It's two commitments, weekly and monthly, with a bit of 'homework' in between.  Again, just a matter of getting there, and keeping track of it.

Item #4 is two sets of actions: The first set is the actions you take to find counseling

Once you do that, you will have actions to follow up and get counseling.

I almost felt guilty including this one, because it feels like a freebie.  I know I need counselling, my freakout last month scared me.  Above everything else, I am so committed to this one.  I've had lots of different therapies before, and it all does me good.  I'm open to it and so ready.

Item #5 is a project: Get a good job / career. This is a big project, and accomplishing it will take a bunch of actions, many of which you haven't even identified yet.

Every week, think of a few concrete actions you can take to move that project forward.

This advice sounds good.  My knees literally get shaky when I think about this.  It needs to be tackled in a rather timely matter, but I also have no clue in what direction to go in. 

VC, I like what you said about the resume stuff too.  I am going to look at perhaps having this as my concrete action this week.

Thks so much again, I gotta go move some very heavy wet snow.   and mull things over.

Blessings all,

c.
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« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2015, 03:39:35 PM »

 

Crumbling,

I'm very proud of the work you are doing here.  Thanks for sharing... .
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« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2015, 03:51:32 PM »

2.  I will leave the house at least once a day.  I'm not doing that now, either.  I'm committing to a walk, or going out to enjoy the outdoors everyday, at least for a little while.  I don't have wheels, and we live in an isolated area, so this is the best I can do about getting out, for now.  There is no 'stepping out' into public here, you step out into nature.  This has it's benefits too, tho.

I had a thought about this while I was sitting on my porch. I have set up a little sitting area where I have a little table and a comfy chair where I can go sit on my porch and just exist. I am not sure if this would help you or not but have you thought about setting up some kind of little sanctuary in nature where you could sit and read or think or listen to some music. My little sanctuary is my porch where I go to smoke. :-)
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« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2015, 06:51:49 PM »

Hi, Crumbling.  Way to go! 

Every week, think of a few concrete actions you can take to move that project forward.

My knees literally get shaky when I think about this.  It needs to be tackled in a rather timely matter, but I also have no clue in what direction to go in. 

A couple of nights ago I watched a webcast about making 2015 a better year, and one thing the speaker mentioned besides taking action is that you don't have to have a detailed action plan and the whole picture before you.  You just need to see the next step and act on it - get into motion. Another of his suggestions is to do the easiest things first to create momentum. 




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« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2015, 07:12:35 AM »

        

Thanks for all the great feedback and support.  This is so helpful.  You're like my sounding board.Smiling (click to insert in post)

I've got my tracking calendar/volunteer journal set up so I can keep track of #'s 1, 2, and 3.

I have a volunteer opportunity today, that I just found out about.  My BPDh automatically started shaking his head no, while we both listened to the voice mail about it this morning.  He quickly pointed out that I have no wheels to get there, which is true, but if I'm going to be true to my commitments, I'm going to have to find another way there.

#4 is just a matter of waiting for a call back right now.

Now the big one, #5: 

I like what Flowerpath suggested, not getting boggled down with trying to see the whole picture.  One step at a time, right?  All I have concrete for this week so far, is that I'm going to work at revamping my resume.  I do watch the job boards daily, and have for years.  It is always the same jobs, around here, anyway, ones that pay crap and expect blood.  I will keep doing this nonetheless, but to appease my creative self, I'm also going to need to balance this with something towards self employment.

Remember high school and going to the counsellor’s office to do a career path evaluation or skills testing or something like that?  I wish I could do something similar.  I wish I could just key in all my experiences and skills, and have a program spew out the top five options for success.  Maybe this could be my next concrete action, to find a career counsellor or something.

I love VC's ' orch niche' idea, but our house is so not set up for this.  Lots of plans for additions and renos, but right now, we have a great room and a laundry room downstairs, and one bedroom and bath upstairs, that's it. 

I have imagined having an office like space in the laundry room before.  Two challenges here, one is it's full of crap that needs sorting and moved; and two, it's bitter cold in there, so I'd need a source of heat connected.  It would be so nice to be able to actually go in there, and shut the door with a 'do not distrub' sign, when necessary.  It would feel like putting the baby/BPDh to bed, shutting the door and turning off the monitor, just for a little while  Smiling (click to insert in post)         

To focus on this now, tho, would just feel like a distraction.  Very soon, or preferably now, I need income-producing actions, so I should stay focused in that direction first. 

I have also signed up for a bartering club and am presently in 'negotiations'.  I'm going to count this as a concrete action here too.  Anything that contributes to the daily necessities of this house, I'm counting as work.



I woke up this morning feeling revved and focused.  What a change.  I still need to keep pushing myself to do this, but if I just stay focused on the goal... .

Thanks for being there, you're awesome.

c.
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« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2015, 07:48:18 AM »

 

What's going on with lack of wheels? 

What solutions do you have in mind?
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Crumbling
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« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2015, 08:21:23 AM »

We have a mechanically-challenged vehicle in the yard that we don't have the money to fix.  The sooner I can secure some funds, the sooner I can get it going.
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« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2015, 10:31:50 AM »

Can you drop your H off at work, take the car for the day, then pick him up when he's ready to return?
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2015, 11:11:23 AM »

I can if necessary, but he works an hour away from home.  I can go into town with him, and stay the day, I've done that before, but it makes for a very long day.  I can travel with him, if I get employment that has similar hours too. 

I'm not completely stuck, in this way.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2015, 12:13:57 PM »

I can if necessary, but he works an hour away from home.  I can go into town with him, and stay the day, I've done that before, but it makes for a very long day.  I can travel with him, if I get employment that has similar hours too. 

I'm not completely stuck, in this way.

Yes, a long day... .but lots of opportunities to do things that can further your own goals during the day too.

Working toward the things that are on your list will require making some tough choices.

Are there ways you can save money to be able to fix the other car sooner rather than later? Maybe you can get someone in the bartering club to work on the car, in exchange for things you can do?
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« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2015, 12:47:19 PM »

Yep, working on that now - the bartering option, I mean.
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« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2015, 11:17:11 AM »

I've done 1 and 2 all week.  This is an improvement for me.  I can go days and not leave this tiny little cabin.  I think I just need to keep myself accountable.

Volunteer work, well, didn't get to something I should have and didn't follow up.  So, big x on this one.

Resume revamp, nope.  I get really overwhelmed when I look at it.  I think it's my past staring back at me.

Job searches - I have been doing well here.  I'm passing out my resume as is, and applying to what I can. 

I found a number to call a career counsellor, got mad that I had to 'qualify' and it's a gov sponsored program, and didn't call.  I think I'm going to call next week, and make an appointment for both of us, to see if we 'qualify', grr that bugs me - I paid my taxes, isn't that 'qualification' enough?

On another note, I did one of those physiological tests online and it told me I was massive depressive... .I do feel enormous amounts of sadness.  Anyone else ever done this?  Did the answer feel 'right'?  Mine did, but I'm no expert.
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« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2015, 11:43:48 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) GREAT! Keep at it. Talking to someone and taking a walk seems small... .but the result really helps. (And if you are depressed, both activities are highly recommended to improve that too!)

I'm concerned abut this one:

I found a number to call a career counsellor, got mad that I had to 'qualify' and it's a gov sponsored program, and didn't call.  I think I'm going to call next week, and make an appointment for both of us, to see if we 'qualify'

Don't do it. Don't make that an "us" thing. You have enough trouble staying motivated and figuring out your own job search. Getting his career or job search involved with yours will only muddy the waters for you, and they are already too muddy for you!

In addition, if you start with him, then he loses motivation and stops, it will drag you down. If you are doing it on your own, you are protected from that.

Yes, do call and make an appointment to check availability for yourself!
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« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2015, 10:21:38 PM »

Time for me to make my own FTC type commitments. (If I had bread in the house I might cook french toast too. Haven't done that in a while. Yum.)

1. I will leave my residence at least once a day as well.

2. I will meditate every day. If only five minutes.

3. I will talk with somebody every day. (Possibly a long chat instead of voice)

4. I'm working on my boat. Some days I don't do as much as I want to... .I'm not sure what my realistic goal regarding that is, but I'll at least work on it. Kinda like your job search, Crumbling.
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« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2015, 10:44:49 AM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post)  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)  YEAH!  I've got a partner in 'time-about-me'!  Welcome aboard, GK!

I love this.  You need this too, I see that from your recent threads.   

Meditation is an excellent commitment. The whole list is good, GK.  When I read #3, I chuckled, because I catch myself thinking things like, I called and got the answering machine, that counts.  Or I answered a telemarketer's call who was a real person, so that counts.  I've had to be more definitive here.  "I will speak with a friend or family member at least once a day - voice to voice."

Do you have a calendar, or something set up to keep track?  It feels good to tick off the days, and to feel like I'm at least accomplishing this. 

My BPDh has actually made arrangements to work with a friend to get the mechanical work done on our second vehicle, now that we have the parts.  So this is progressing, slowly but surely.

 

Thanks again, for the support.  It feels good to be held accountable.

C.
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« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2015, 10:02:13 PM »

Regarding my commitment to talk with somebody... .sometimes I have very involved online chat conversations. I do prefer voice calls, but they that kind of exchange does count for me. But no, the answering machines and telemarketers don't. Neither does a two-text message exchange!

No, I'm not tracking it on a calendar. I might start doing more though.

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« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2015, 10:50:39 PM »

Excerpt
Remember high school and going to the counsellor’s office to do a career path evaluation or skills testing or something like that?  I wish I could do something similar.  I wish I could just key in all my experiences and skills, and have a program spew out the top five options for success.  Maybe this could be my next concrete action, to find a career counsellor or something.

Actually there are.  If there is a community college anywhere near you, they can do some of the testing there.  There are a couple of tests offered.  Strong Inventory, Strength Finder and Myers Briggs are done together sometimes.  Then you are issued a top 10 list of career choices.  My eldest found these tests helpful (they were offered by a career counselor that she saw) and she made the decision to switch her career.
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« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2015, 01:31:06 PM »

Thanks for the suggestions.  I really like the idea of a community college, they may be able to help.  Thanks for that.

GK, It's been a week since you made these commitments, have you stuck with it?

I have applied for and been denied two jobs, and I haven't made the appointment with a career councillor yet.  I did look at what is available abroad, and how to go about applying.  I've been really considering taking work in another country, but with my BPDh being laid off last week, I have been having to deal with a new schedule, and it's been tough.  We did have two out of seven really good days, the others were like roller coasters with, his emotions switching around like crazy all the time. 

I've kept up one and two of my list, so I'm proud of this, and I can tell how much it does help, now.  I'm still waiting on the call back about T.

gotta go.
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« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2015, 02:58:39 PM »

Hey! I was thinking of you yesterday. I stumbled onto some bread, so I did make myself French Toast  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I missed meditation one day this week. The other two daily activities I accomplished all week.

I'm happy with that. Boat progress is happening too.

On the job front, I'd recommend that you look clearly at your project of finding a job and a career, and make a list of all the specific actions you can think of. Some of those actions you won't be able to do right now--they may require waiting for someone to get back to you, or waiting for you to do another action first. Make the list anyway. Put any actions that are waiting on something else aside, perhaps with a reminder when you should check on them again.

The project seems overwhelming because many things you think you should just do are actually multi-step operations with decisions hidden in them.

For example "Get a job at Apple." sounds like a simple action, but it isn't. It is more of a sub-project to the "get a job" project. Look to break it down into specific tasks, for example:

- Read Apple's job listings.

- Check your social network for people you know who work for Apple.

- Call (friend x) who works at Apple and let them know you are interested in working there, and ask if they know of anything.

The list could get a lot longer... .that's the idea though.
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« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2015, 03:13:14 PM »

On the job front, I'd recommend that you look clearly at your project of finding a job and a career, and make a list of all the specific actions you can think of. Some of those actions you won't be able to do right now--they may require waiting for someone to get back to you, or waiting for you to do another action first. Make the list anyway. Put any actions that are waiting on something else aside, perhaps with a reminder when you should check on them again.

I am so glad that GK brought this up!

My goal of getting a full time job requires so many intermediate steps. First, I had to find a part time job so that I can build up my skills and get back up to speed in my profession. And, I have to look at other factors that play into my ability to get full time work. One of those is child care. My kids are not quite old enough to be able to manage things without a babysitter or some form of child care. But, that is okay because while I am waiting for them to get older, I can work part time and continue to look at job boards and such. I am also thinking about looking into joining some of the professional organizations for my profession. And, like GK recommended, I am making other people aware of my plans. My boss approached me and asked if I would ever be willing to work for them full time. It is actually kind of a win-win situation because I can't do it anytime soon and nobody is talking about leaving any time soon. So, it may be a matter of working for them until the kids are old enough and a full time position opens up. It is all part of a 5 year plan that I have. I think it helpful for me to have a bit of a time frame. It gives me a little bit more hope and it keeps me from getting discouraged when things aren't happening as quickly as I would like them to happen.
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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2015, 02:08:10 PM »

    Thanks for the great feedback and thoughts.

I've applied your suggestions. I made a detailed list of possible paths I can take to achieve this goal of earning an income, then listed the steps required for each, and as I started to really imagine the various paths to put a time line to my two best choices, it slowly became clearer and clearer to me that if I focus on anything besides what I feel best defines who I am, then I will fail, because I know my heart just wont be in it. 

This needs to be the final time I choose a career path.  This 'start over' needs to be the last one. I need to stick to it for the rest of my career.  It's really important to me that I do this right and not take jobs because they are there, without any direction or more concrete goals.  It needs to clearly reflect me and who I am.  It's the best avenue for success, right?  Doing what you love.

It has to be a broad and adaptable career that can survive the changes of time, but defined enough that I stop feeling like a jack of all trades/master of none.  So the next step should be easy, right, pick that one thing I love that I can really see myself doing for the rest of my life.  Nope.  Because when I list these, they all include working from my home. 

I thought for a while that my BPDh was going to be able to support my work from home plan, but his actions over the past six months have made me realize that he likely isn't capable of doing this. 

When I'm not making money at it, he will continually push me to find other employment because he doesn't feel we can live off his salary (even though we could if he'd stop spending so much money!).  I know this because it's what he's been doing now and, I think, the very reason I'm so confused and 'fogged out', I guess, on this topic, and feel like I'm going in circles.

And if I do make good money, than he'll be most likely say that I make enough to support both of us, and quit his own job.  He doesn't do well when he's unemployed at all.  He gets really self destructive.  This would not be a good environment for me to work in.

This whole exercise has left me back where I started - feeling like I can't be who I need to be while I'm Mrs BPDh.  I get into all this stinkin' thinkin' about how it's unfair, and how I hate having to sacrifice so much in this r/s, blah blah blah.   Then my head goes under the pillow and I don't want to talk about it.

People causally say 'let go of the things that are holding you back', but he11, what if that means letting go of your husband?  I'm stuck!

     

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« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2015, 02:19:38 PM »

Sending you a great big hug! 

I can so relate to your latest post.

Would it be possible for you to pursue both avenues? Work from home and part time work outside of the house? Working outside the house has been a real boon to my psyche.

Would it be helpful if you didn't look at the bigger picture? When I look at the bigger picture, I am like you and get overwhelmed and want to crawl back under my rock. Baby steps, baby steps. . .(What movie is that from?)

Can you get your own bank account so that your husband doesn't know how much money you do or don't have?

Is there a reason that you feel like you have to choose something that you can stick with for the rest of your life? Is that realistic?
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2015, 03:17:00 PM »

Is there a reason that you feel like you have to choose something that you can stick with for the rest of your life? Is that realistic?

VOC is on the right track here... .

Just worry about getting a job.  Then get a better one... and a better one... .

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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2015, 03:53:15 PM »

I get the idea of having ones own account, but keeping it from your spouse is hard especially when it comes to filing taxes.

In the case of an abusive spouse, I think it would be essential to have a source of money that the spouse did not have access too, at least enough to get away if you had to.
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« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2015, 05:23:11 PM »

You sound like you are on the right track... .even if you have tough choices to make.

I'll second the suggestion that you get your own account. And I'd suggest you sign up for a credit card in your name only if you can.

You don't have to keep your income or balance secret if you don't want to.

I'd recommend you not spend too much time worrying about what he will do with his job and career. You don't have much influence over that. All you can do is take care of your own.

This needs to be the final time I choose a career path.  This 'start over' needs to be the last one. I need to stick to it for the rest of my career.  It's really important to me that I do this right and not take jobs because they are there, without any direction or more concrete goals.  It needs to clearly reflect me and who I am.  It's the best avenue for success, right?  Doing what you love.

I see your point. I'd also add that sometimes a career shift isn't starting over from scratch. You can go to a different job in the same industry or same company; You can keep the same kind of job, but get into a different industry. Sometimes you realize that if you pull half of the skills and experiences of your last three jobs together, you have EXACTLY what you need for a new job.

My suggestion is to take jobs that put you closer to where you want to be in your career than you are right now I know someone who decided he wanted to become a nurse. He got a job as a CNA while he tried to get into nursing school. It was a bit of a restart from his prior career as an engineer, but it was a step in the direction he wanted to go. (And he's now graduated and working as a nurse.)
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« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2015, 05:28:03 PM »

I'll second the suggestion that you get your own account. And I'd suggest you sign up for a credit card in your name only if you can.

You don't have to keep your income or balance secret if you don't want to.

I don't keep my income secret at all. I have one of my checks go into the joint account and another check go into MY account. The purpose of having my own account isn't to have secrets but to have money set aside that I can use however I want and to keep my husband from being able to access it on a whim. I have complete control over that money and that account. The only time I tell him how much is in the account is it becomes relevant to paying the bills.
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« Reply #29 on: January 21, 2015, 05:37:52 PM »

 

When I went back and read my post, I realized that working part time is the answer!  Thanks for confirming that it's a good move for me!

I have my own account, we always have.  Something I knew I needed right from the start.  Sometimes I avoid relieving my financial standing and other times I do lie.  I have to, or he spends all his money, than relies on mine to get us through.

Here is a snapshot of what I'm faced with daily.

I have my list all set out in front of me for what steps I have set up for what goals... .this whole thing we're discussing here.  I have a goal to take a step towards my professional career, one for my business start up, and one to find employment.  On the employment list, I have three options:  one is p/t, close to home, low pay; one is something I would believe in and could likely do well with, but it pays so so; one is f/t working for a bank selling financial products (something I would absolutely abhor doing), but good pay (but it's on my list - the pay is good).

My BPDh comes in the room, reads the list, then says, 'you're not going to apply for that bank job are you'.  I respond, 'yeah, that's why I have it on my to do list, so I won't do it.'  Then he says, 'never mind me, I haven't had my coffee yet.'  This stupid statement followed by never mind happened SEVEN times before I finished my breakfast.

By the time I was ready for the day, I didn't feel like doing anything on my list.  It's like he needs to deflate me everytime he sees me make a positive step in my life.  It's exhausting.
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« Reply #30 on: January 21, 2015, 10:08:58 PM »

  Sorry for the breakfast of invalidatio's you had this morning!

You don't sound clear on what you want yet in the job search. I see some contradictions:

1. You say p/t is the solution.

2. You say you are going to apply for f/t jobs

1. You say you want to pick the right career this time.

2. You talk about applying for the job selling financial products "that you would abhor."

[Aside: Most sales jobs only have good pay if you make a lot of sales; if you abhor the job, you probably won't have that kind of result.]

Keep working at it. Just having the list is PROGRESS on your project of getting a job!
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« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2015, 06:00:03 AM »

 

Hum, that is true, Grey Kitty.  I guess I'm being my typical people pleaser self... .putting my name in anywhere to keep him off my back. 

I tried to explain to him why I did not want the bank job, almost exactly what I said here, and he finally agreed that it wouldn't be the right job for me, only to turn around at bed time and say, "you're coming to town with me tomorrow to apply for that bank job right?  No harm in trying, you can always quit later if it's not working out." like the discussion didn't even take place   

Okay, maybe I'm being co-dependant here - still trying to tip toe around him and his illogical reactions.  Today he went to town alone.  I'm going to call the p/t job place while he's gone.  Hopefully it pans out before he even comes home, and his objections will be futile. 

I have to stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

I think I need this as my new mantra.

Thanks for keeping me on track.
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« Reply #32 on: January 22, 2015, 07:12:13 AM »

I have to stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

I think I need this as my new mantra.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm thinking that involving him in your job search isn't what is best for you.

Working on it when he's out is probably good.

The attitude that it is YOUR choice, and you are choosing to do what is right for you. That is even better. If you consult him, he doesn't have the ability to look at what is good for you (i.e. not make it all about HIM!), so he cannot give you good support!
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« Reply #33 on: January 22, 2015, 08:40:03 AM »

I wonder if there's a way I could set a boundary around this that can help me stay away from his negativity?  Like you said, it is MY career.  I just need to stay vigilant at doing what is best for me, and to keep reminding him that it is my life and my choice.

The p/t job didn't work out, they found someone internally to fill it.   :'(

FF & VoC - I've identified that I need to pick something I can retire from because I'm 46 yrs old and I have worked in 12 different industries, yes twelve, in my lifetime, already.  I also have a college degree and a university degree, both in separate fields.  I've been a feather in the wind, until now.    It's time, for once in my life, to have clear long term goals.  I just thought this would be a healthy one.  I know one needs to be somewhat flexible, but I'm saying I need to stick to one plan, and give it my all.

My top preference is to run my own business from here, but that plan has been caught up in bureaucratic bullpoop for over seven months now.  This place of limbo is awful, but I'm not ready to shut this door completely, at least not yet. 

My second preference takes a long time to establish one's self in.  I've made small strides at lengthening my portfolio in this regard, but it is going to take time, so this is my 'on the side' focus that helps me swallow the 'I need to make a living' pill. 

Although these two top priorities are not in the same industry, they are both about taking charge of my financial independence and being my own boss.  Either of these scenarios will fill this desire in me, just in different ways.  Is this too convoluted to be focused?  I don't know, I feel like such an idiot, dealing with this so late in my life.

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« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2015, 09:02:02 AM »

 

Crumbling,

Couple things... .Dealing with a "meddling" pwBPD and conducting a job search.  

Note:  I'm in the middle of a job search myself... I'm an executive type... .on my "second life" after retiring from the Navy.  I've interviewed and hired lots of people... .so I think I have idea of how "successful" people went about it... .and "other" methods.

1).  The hubby's advice.  If he asks what you are going to apply for or not... .just say you are considering it.  If you have already applied... .you can give him your status... yes I have applied.  If he gives unsolicited advice... ."thanks for your input on my job search... I'll consider it"  You don't want to shut him down... .and he may have good ideas for you to consider... so... keep those communications open.  If he starts telling you what you will or won't like... .I would think about shutting that down.  They are your feelings... .you get to decide how you feel.


2.)  Job search.  Approach it as a job.  If you are qualified... .and can make a case for the job... .apply for it.  Yes... .even if you don't think you would "like" the job... .apply for it.  It's a job... .not a romance... .or a friendship.  And... .I know many people that got jobs "they wouldn't like"... and ended up liking them... .or used the hard job to springboard to something else.

How long since you have interviewed?  If it has been a while... .that is another reason to apply.  The more applications you do and the more interviews you do... the better you get.  That means chances you land the job you "want" go up... .because you are confident in interview.

Hang in there.  My wife has been generally supportive in the job search.  I've "taken" most of her advice... .and just ignored the ridiculous stuff... .or the obvious career killers.  And... .one place that I applied because she asked me to... .is in the process of vetting me... .it seems to be going well.  

So... hope this helps... .
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« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2015, 09:16:31 AM »

FF & VoC - I've identified that I need to pick something I can retire from because I'm 46 yrs old and I have worked in 12 different industries, yes twelve, in my lifetime, already.  I also have a college degree and a university degree, both in separate fields. 

When I read this... .it reinforces my belief that you should focus on "getting a job"... .vice "picking a career".

If you find a job to apply for that you think leads to a career... .go for it.

Please don't avoid "jobs"... .that might seem like they don't lead anywhere.

An unfortunate "fact" is that you will have more luck finding another job... .once you have a job.  It's just the way it is.  My current employment contract is coming close to running out... .so I'm hustling to get another job... .before I have to say I'm unemployed.
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« Reply #36 on: January 22, 2015, 09:18:43 AM »

Welcome aboard the job train FF!  My Grampy was Air force and my bf's hubby was army (he just retired this yr too), as was my first h (don't know where he is, dont care  ).  I salute you.  Thank you for your service!  And you've got eight kids!  God love ya!

And thanks for the words.  I felt I need to pursue the bank job for that very reason, because the hate of it may actually motivate me to put everything into the portfolio building.  His constant push for me to get the job made me SSSOO not want to apply.  I've put my name in, but I didn't go in to apply in person, which was my plan A.

I'm presently in the process of pursuing another option, not p/t, low pay, but would give me paid hours that I could be doing something else, so it holds it's own promise.  Fingers crossed!  And it's looking after a 5 mth old, which would be the BEST therapy in the world for me!  Oh, pls pray.
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« Reply #37 on: January 22, 2015, 09:36:00 AM »

And thanks for the words.  I felt I need to pursue the bank job for that very reason, because the hate of it may actually motivate me to put everything into the portfolio building.  His constant push for me to get the job made me SSSOO not want to apply.  I've put my name in, but I didn't go in to apply in person, which was my plan A.

I had to chuckle at this because I have been in that place where my husband has pushed me about something or even just asked about it and it immediately flipped a switch in me that made me suddenly not want to do it or lose some of the excitement that I might have had for it previously.

Excerpt
I'm presently in the process of pursuing another option, not p/t, low pay, but would give me paid hours that I could be doing something else, so it holds it's own promise.  Fingers crossed!  And it's looking after a 5 mth old, which would be the BEST therapy in the world for me!  Oh, pls pray.

I'll definitely send good thoughts your way. Being with kids is so much fun.

How long would that potential job last? Would you have to commit to it for a certain length of time or would it be something you could do until you found something better?
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« Reply #38 on: January 22, 2015, 09:42:33 AM »

It's also became clear to me through this process, that I have actually, already chosen my new career path, I just wasn't getting it.  It has been a hobby for so long, it's hard to make the mindshift, I guess.  Building my portfolio in this field is, was, and will now always be my 'heartsong' - anyone who has kids, knows what movie this is from I bet... .Happy Feet, smartest penguin in the world, IMO!

Hi, Voc!  I'm negotiating via email with her now.  It sounds really good.  It's a good location, acceptable pay and hours... .I'll keep you up-dated!
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« Reply #39 on: January 22, 2015, 09:49:43 AM »

It's also became clear to me through this process, that I have actually, already chosen my new career path, I just wasn't getting it.  It has been a hobby for so long, it's hard to make the mindshift, I guess.  Building my portfolio in this field is, was, and will now always be my 'heartsong'

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) AWESOME

You know where you are going. All you have to do is keep going that direction!

It sounds like the job you are pursuing fits your plan perfectly--It is something you will enjoy, that won't drain you, and won't take all your time... .leaving you room and energy to follow your long-term path, and bringing in some money for you in the meantime!
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« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2015, 09:53:28 AM »

Next question: When it comes to building your portfolio... .and especially the other work of building that career for yourself... .are there any supporters or mentors you can rally to help yourself go forward? People you know who are already successful in that job, or industry that you admire? Organizations or communities [online or face-to-face] where you can be involved with the stuff you love and connect with others who do it?
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« Reply #41 on: January 22, 2015, 09:55:32 AM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post)  And I'm interviewing with her tomorrow!  But I think it may already be in the bag, now she's giving me the babe's schedule!     Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks GK!  Ha!  Can't wait to tell hubby!

   Group hug!
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« Reply #42 on: January 22, 2015, 10:12:04 AM »

Smiling (click to insert in post)  And I'm interviewing with her tomorrow!  But I think it may already be in the bag, now she's giving me the babe's schedule!     Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks GK!  Ha!  Can't wait to tell hubby!

  Group hug!

   

Yay! That is awesome.

Give yourself some time to relish this and enjoy it for yourself before telling hubby!
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« Reply #43 on: January 22, 2015, 10:18:55 AM »

I don't know anyone in this field.  I have a friend who is embarking in the same direction, but she has a single focus and not a goal to make it a career.  There is a very successful person in this field whose career I've always followed, and still do.  But he isn't someone in my life or anything, more like a 'celebrity' I admire.  

There may be an industry association or something here.  That's a good idea, I can look into that.  I'd love to have a mentor of sorts in this field.

Voc - I didn't ask those big questions yet... .I think I'm just going to take it day by day and see how things work out, if I get the job.  I'm second guessing myself already, tho.  Maybe it isn't such a good idea.  NO it is, it is good for me any way I look at it.  So it isn't a big paycheck, so what.  I'm not making anything sitting here feeling sorry for myself all the time.

It's human nature I guess to not want to be pushed into anything by anyone else.  I've heard people say that they think God really did want Adam and Eve to eat the apple - that's why he told them not too!    Being cool (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #44 on: January 22, 2015, 10:20:04 AM »

 

Congrats on the interview!

I just got a call about setting up an interview this morning.  It's to a place that would be one of my top choices.

What do you need to do to prepare for the interview?

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« Reply #45 on: January 22, 2015, 10:31:02 AM »

Congrats back, FF!  Out of curiosity, is it the one your wife suggested?

I've already given her my resume and references.  I need to be focused emotionally, so that means I need to plan my day carefully, so that I'm in a good place when we meet, which is late in the day.  

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« Reply #46 on: January 22, 2015, 10:35:34 AM »

This leads me to think that I'll need to make sure hubby's in a good emotional state, so I'm not worrying about him.  Am I being proactive, or co-dependant?  Doing something fun/relaxing before the interview would be good, probably too. 
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« Reply #47 on: January 22, 2015, 10:39:59 AM »

Voc - I didn't ask those big questions yet... .I think I'm just going to take it day by day and see how things work out, if I get the job.  I'm second guessing myself already, tho.  Maybe it isn't such a good idea.  NO it is, it is good for me any way I look at it.  So it isn't a big paycheck, so what.  I'm not making anything sitting here feeling sorry for myself all the time.

Don't second guess yourself! Prepare yourself but don't second guess.

The paycheck aspect isn't that important unless you have to have the money. But even then, some money is better than no money. Like FF said, it is way easier to get a job if you already have a job. It doesn't matter what the job is. Having a job will help boost your self-esteem and give you more confidence. The pay at my job is pretty good but there are days when I feel like I should be paying them because it allows me to get out of the house, I get to interact with other people, and it gives me a set schedule that nobody can argue with. It keeps me from slipping back into unhealthy patterns and it helps me to keep the FOG at bay. I spent a month off work over the holidays and went back to work this week. WOW, it showed me how much damage was done to me by sitting home with my kids all of those years. When your life revolves around your kids and husband, it becomes easy to lose that benchmark of "what is normal".

Sorry for rambling, my point is that you can ask yourself questions and prepare yourself mentally but don't second guess. Acknowledge your fears but jump off and start somewhere.
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« Reply #48 on: January 22, 2015, 10:58:40 AM »



Thanks, Voc, you're right, no second guessing.  It really helps to hear how you've gained so much from working again.  My last stint, working over Christmas was a disaster.  I cleaned rooms for a hotel though the fall for a while, which went well.  And before that, I went a whole year without work, except for some small contract jobs along the way (my portfolio building stuff).

I've had lots of interviews, some I do really well, others I make a mess of.  I'm on a good streak right now, tho.  The last three times I was interviewed, I got the job.

Oddly these last three jobs I had didn't use my heartsong skills at all, but the first three I had relied heavily on this skill.  Too bad I didn't recognize that back then.


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« Reply #49 on: January 22, 2015, 11:34:36 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Good idea!

This leads me to think that I'll need to make sure hubby's in a good emotional state, so I'm not worrying about him.  Am I being proactive, or co-dependant?  Doing something fun/relaxing before the interview would be good, probably too. 

Almost. Nothing you can do can ever "make" him be in a good emotional state.

You can be kind, supportive, validating, and loving. That helps.

He will have the mood he has anyway.

Find a way to protect yourself--Make a plan where YOU can be happy and relaxed and not worrying about your husband at the interview.

You can't control his mood.

You can control if you worry about it.

 Take care of yourself and protect yourself!
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« Reply #50 on: January 22, 2015, 11:55:51 AM »

Good point.  His mood, his control.  Got it.  

I just booked a lunch date with a friend and left myself some time after for me to peruse a bookshop or walk a new trail or something, before the interview.  This way my mood has time to adjust if he's in a snit when I leave the house.

I just have to work my way through telling him without letting his doubt and objections get in my way.  This is where the battle begins. Like I said, every time I take a step forward, he's there to push me back.  He likely wont see the benefits of this and will just get upset that I'm willing to take it.  I can't assume though.  I'm going to put some thought into how I word all this to him. 

And he's going to be home anytime now, so I'm going to have to sign off soon, but I do check in quickly here and there when I get the chance.

   For now, I really do feel supported.  Thanks so much, BPD family!
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« Reply #51 on: January 22, 2015, 12:23:17 PM »

If you haven't already... .is there a good reason for you to tell him about the interview before it happens? (Like needing to do car-based logistics so you can get to it)

If you don't tell him, he has less reason to shoot you down over it.

You can tell him about the interview after.
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« Reply #52 on: January 22, 2015, 12:36:11 PM »

huh.  never thought of that.  I will need the car... .but does he really need to know where I'm going?  I've got my lunch date, but I'd need to explain the hours after... .I'd love to just be able to say, 'I've got the job' instead of 'I've got the interview'.  That way, it's done - no need to discuss.

Fabricating a lie may be more trouble than it's worth, tho.  I will strongly consider this if he comes home already dysregulated, for sure.
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« Reply #53 on: January 22, 2015, 12:51:09 PM »

huh.  never thought of that.  I will need the car... .but does he really need to know where I'm going?  I've got my lunch date, but I'd need to explain the hours after... .I'd love to just be able to say, 'I've got the job' instead of 'I've got the interview'.  That way, it's done - no need to discuss.

Fabricating a lie may be more trouble than it's worth, tho.  I will strongly consider this if he comes home already dysregulated, for sure.

Why fabricate a lie? Has your relationship progressed to the point of him needing to know where you are every second of the day? That isn't a judgment but an honest question. I know that my relationship had progressed to that point and I have been trying work on changing it. For me, that is part of becoming unenmeshed. It is me trying to find things to do without feeling the need to justify or explain them to my husband.

Do you have to have a set amount of time that you are going to be with your friend? Is it possible to say that you are going to have lunch, hang out with your friend, and then check out some of the local shops?
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« Reply #54 on: January 22, 2015, 04:26:47 PM »

Congrats back, FF!  Out of curiosity, is it the one your wife suggested?

No... .I've already had interviews with the place the wife suggested... .I'm waiting to see if I pass this round to get to the next.

It's a big search company... .the next round is an "assessment center" where they will give 4 candidates the same "issues"... and somehow grade our performance... .

Talk about validation though... .the search company is big on stats... .I made the first cut from 105 down to 14.  This next cut is to go from 14 down to 4. 

I'm not sure if there is more after the assessment center... we'll see.

The interview I got called about today is one we are both excited about... .so that is all good...
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« Reply #55 on: January 22, 2015, 06:26:03 PM »

I figured that if you just had the interview, it would sound weird to say "I need the car" and not say what for. Or you could expect him to ask what you are doing--it sounds like a reasonable question for him to ask.

huh.  never thought of that.  I will need the car... .but does he really need to know where I'm going?  I've got my lunch date, but I'd need to explain the hours after... .I'd love to just be able to say, 'I've got the job' instead of 'I've got the interview'.  That way, it's done - no need to discuss.

Fabricating a lie may be more trouble than it's worth, tho.  I will strongly consider this if he comes home already dysregulated, for sure.

If you need the car for a lunch date, tell him you need the car for a lunch date.

It isn't his business where you go besides that. You aren't responsible for telling him where you are spending every minute of every day.

I would just not bother mentioning it to him. Although I wouldn't recommend lying if he asks about something where 'not mentioning it' isn't a viable option.
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« Reply #56 on: January 23, 2015, 07:27:53 AM »

Why fabricate a lie? Has your relationship progressed to the point of him needing to know where you are every second of the day? That isn't a judgment but an honest question. I know that my relationship had progressed to that point and I have been trying work on changing it. For me, that is part of becoming unenmeshed. It is me trying to find things to do without feeling the need to justify or explain them to my husband.

Do you have to have a set amount of time that you are going to be with your friend? Is it possible to say that you are going to have lunch, hang out with your friend, and then check out some of the local shops?

I dont feel judged, Voc, but surprised.  Isn't that fabricating a lie? Telling him I'm going shopping when I"m going for an interview?  Anyway, it doesn't matter.  I told him.  The first time he tried to shoot me down, I stopped it in the tracks and told him it is my life and my decision, and I feel it would be very healing for me to do this.  I am sarcastic with him,  not in a mean way, but in a comedic way.   And it worked.  This scene was played out several times through the evening, but never amounted to any raging.  Thank you SET!

My h and I always know where each other all the time.  It is part of what makes me feel suffocated.  Yesterday he gave me a blow by blow of his day when he came home: where he was, who he saw, what he bought, and what joke he told the grocery store clerk!  He does this so that he can expect the same in return.  I have never demanded this, but he says that's 'how it should be'.  He even wants us to go everywhere together, including trips to the corner store.  I dont, of course, always go, only when I feel like it.  But he always asks and acts hurt if I say no.

The other night at my volunteer work, a couple of us I stayed behind when the meeting was done, and talked.  We were about 45mins later than normal.  I didn't have the moblie with me, so he couldn't call.  He was in a snit when I got home.  Said he was worried that I was in a ditch along the side of the road.      It wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, he can keep himself from raging now much better than before, but I still dont get very much 'freedom' in this way at all.

I'm going to stop in at the bank and introduce myself too today.  I agree with FF that the pay is likely dependant on the level of sales you bring in, which in all likelihood I will be terrible at like I always have been.  But I need to try anyways - bringing home a good income would do wonders for my self esteem too.  It would require me being more active in setting up boundaries around the finances but maybe it's time for that.

Thank you all again for your support and advice.  I don't know what I ever did to cope before I found you.

c.

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« Reply #57 on: January 23, 2015, 07:31:12 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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