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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #30 on: January 21, 2015, 10:08:58 PM »

  Sorry for the breakfast of invalidatio's you had this morning!

You don't sound clear on what you want yet in the job search. I see some contradictions:

1. You say p/t is the solution.

2. You say you are going to apply for f/t jobs

1. You say you want to pick the right career this time.

2. You talk about applying for the job selling financial products "that you would abhor."

[Aside: Most sales jobs only have good pay if you make a lot of sales; if you abhor the job, you probably won't have that kind of result.]

Keep working at it. Just having the list is PROGRESS on your project of getting a job!
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Crumbling
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« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2015, 06:00:03 AM »

 

Hum, that is true, Grey Kitty.  I guess I'm being my typical people pleaser self... .putting my name in anywhere to keep him off my back. 

I tried to explain to him why I did not want the bank job, almost exactly what I said here, and he finally agreed that it wouldn't be the right job for me, only to turn around at bed time and say, "you're coming to town with me tomorrow to apply for that bank job right?  No harm in trying, you can always quit later if it's not working out." like the discussion didn't even take place   

Okay, maybe I'm being co-dependant here - still trying to tip toe around him and his illogical reactions.  Today he went to town alone.  I'm going to call the p/t job place while he's gone.  Hopefully it pans out before he even comes home, and his objections will be futile. 

I have to stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

I think I need this as my new mantra.

Thanks for keeping me on track.
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« Reply #32 on: January 22, 2015, 07:12:13 AM »

I have to stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

Stay focused on what is best for me.

I think I need this as my new mantra.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm thinking that involving him in your job search isn't what is best for you.

Working on it when he's out is probably good.

The attitude that it is YOUR choice, and you are choosing to do what is right for you. That is even better. If you consult him, he doesn't have the ability to look at what is good for you (i.e. not make it all about HIM!), so he cannot give you good support!
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« Reply #33 on: January 22, 2015, 08:40:03 AM »

I wonder if there's a way I could set a boundary around this that can help me stay away from his negativity?  Like you said, it is MY career.  I just need to stay vigilant at doing what is best for me, and to keep reminding him that it is my life and my choice.

The p/t job didn't work out, they found someone internally to fill it.   :'(

FF & VoC - I've identified that I need to pick something I can retire from because I'm 46 yrs old and I have worked in 12 different industries, yes twelve, in my lifetime, already.  I also have a college degree and a university degree, both in separate fields.  I've been a feather in the wind, until now.    It's time, for once in my life, to have clear long term goals.  I just thought this would be a healthy one.  I know one needs to be somewhat flexible, but I'm saying I need to stick to one plan, and give it my all.

My top preference is to run my own business from here, but that plan has been caught up in bureaucratic bullpoop for over seven months now.  This place of limbo is awful, but I'm not ready to shut this door completely, at least not yet. 

My second preference takes a long time to establish one's self in.  I've made small strides at lengthening my portfolio in this regard, but it is going to take time, so this is my 'on the side' focus that helps me swallow the 'I need to make a living' pill. 

Although these two top priorities are not in the same industry, they are both about taking charge of my financial independence and being my own boss.  Either of these scenarios will fill this desire in me, just in different ways.  Is this too convoluted to be focused?  I don't know, I feel like such an idiot, dealing with this so late in my life.

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« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2015, 09:02:02 AM »

 

Crumbling,

Couple things... .Dealing with a "meddling" pwBPD and conducting a job search.  

Note:  I'm in the middle of a job search myself... I'm an executive type... .on my "second life" after retiring from the Navy.  I've interviewed and hired lots of people... .so I think I have idea of how "successful" people went about it... .and "other" methods.

1).  The hubby's advice.  If he asks what you are going to apply for or not... .just say you are considering it.  If you have already applied... .you can give him your status... yes I have applied.  If he gives unsolicited advice... ."thanks for your input on my job search... I'll consider it"  You don't want to shut him down... .and he may have good ideas for you to consider... so... keep those communications open.  If he starts telling you what you will or won't like... .I would think about shutting that down.  They are your feelings... .you get to decide how you feel.


2.)  Job search.  Approach it as a job.  If you are qualified... .and can make a case for the job... .apply for it.  Yes... .even if you don't think you would "like" the job... .apply for it.  It's a job... .not a romance... .or a friendship.  And... .I know many people that got jobs "they wouldn't like"... and ended up liking them... .or used the hard job to springboard to something else.

How long since you have interviewed?  If it has been a while... .that is another reason to apply.  The more applications you do and the more interviews you do... the better you get.  That means chances you land the job you "want" go up... .because you are confident in interview.

Hang in there.  My wife has been generally supportive in the job search.  I've "taken" most of her advice... .and just ignored the ridiculous stuff... .or the obvious career killers.  And... .one place that I applied because she asked me to... .is in the process of vetting me... .it seems to be going well.  

So... hope this helps... .
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« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2015, 09:16:31 AM »

FF & VoC - I've identified that I need to pick something I can retire from because I'm 46 yrs old and I have worked in 12 different industries, yes twelve, in my lifetime, already.  I also have a college degree and a university degree, both in separate fields. 

When I read this... .it reinforces my belief that you should focus on "getting a job"... .vice "picking a career".

If you find a job to apply for that you think leads to a career... .go for it.

Please don't avoid "jobs"... .that might seem like they don't lead anywhere.

An unfortunate "fact" is that you will have more luck finding another job... .once you have a job.  It's just the way it is.  My current employment contract is coming close to running out... .so I'm hustling to get another job... .before I have to say I'm unemployed.
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« Reply #36 on: January 22, 2015, 09:18:43 AM »

Welcome aboard the job train FF!  My Grampy was Air force and my bf's hubby was army (he just retired this yr too), as was my first h (don't know where he is, dont care  ).  I salute you.  Thank you for your service!  And you've got eight kids!  God love ya!

And thanks for the words.  I felt I need to pursue the bank job for that very reason, because the hate of it may actually motivate me to put everything into the portfolio building.  His constant push for me to get the job made me SSSOO not want to apply.  I've put my name in, but I didn't go in to apply in person, which was my plan A.

I'm presently in the process of pursuing another option, not p/t, low pay, but would give me paid hours that I could be doing something else, so it holds it's own promise.  Fingers crossed!  And it's looking after a 5 mth old, which would be the BEST therapy in the world for me!  Oh, pls pray.
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« Reply #37 on: January 22, 2015, 09:36:00 AM »

And thanks for the words.  I felt I need to pursue the bank job for that very reason, because the hate of it may actually motivate me to put everything into the portfolio building.  His constant push for me to get the job made me SSSOO not want to apply.  I've put my name in, but I didn't go in to apply in person, which was my plan A.

I had to chuckle at this because I have been in that place where my husband has pushed me about something or even just asked about it and it immediately flipped a switch in me that made me suddenly not want to do it or lose some of the excitement that I might have had for it previously.

Excerpt
I'm presently in the process of pursuing another option, not p/t, low pay, but would give me paid hours that I could be doing something else, so it holds it's own promise.  Fingers crossed!  And it's looking after a 5 mth old, which would be the BEST therapy in the world for me!  Oh, pls pray.

I'll definitely send good thoughts your way. Being with kids is so much fun.

How long would that potential job last? Would you have to commit to it for a certain length of time or would it be something you could do until you found something better?
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« Reply #38 on: January 22, 2015, 09:42:33 AM »

It's also became clear to me through this process, that I have actually, already chosen my new career path, I just wasn't getting it.  It has been a hobby for so long, it's hard to make the mindshift, I guess.  Building my portfolio in this field is, was, and will now always be my 'heartsong' - anyone who has kids, knows what movie this is from I bet... .Happy Feet, smartest penguin in the world, IMO!

Hi, Voc!  I'm negotiating via email with her now.  It sounds really good.  It's a good location, acceptable pay and hours... .I'll keep you up-dated!
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« Reply #39 on: January 22, 2015, 09:49:43 AM »

It's also became clear to me through this process, that I have actually, already chosen my new career path, I just wasn't getting it.  It has been a hobby for so long, it's hard to make the mindshift, I guess.  Building my portfolio in this field is, was, and will now always be my 'heartsong'

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) AWESOME

You know where you are going. All you have to do is keep going that direction!

It sounds like the job you are pursuing fits your plan perfectly--It is something you will enjoy, that won't drain you, and won't take all your time... .leaving you room and energy to follow your long-term path, and bringing in some money for you in the meantime!
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« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2015, 09:53:28 AM »

Next question: When it comes to building your portfolio... .and especially the other work of building that career for yourself... .are there any supporters or mentors you can rally to help yourself go forward? People you know who are already successful in that job, or industry that you admire? Organizations or communities [online or face-to-face] where you can be involved with the stuff you love and connect with others who do it?
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« Reply #41 on: January 22, 2015, 09:55:32 AM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post)  And I'm interviewing with her tomorrow!  But I think it may already be in the bag, now she's giving me the babe's schedule!     Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks GK!  Ha!  Can't wait to tell hubby!

   Group hug!
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« Reply #42 on: January 22, 2015, 10:12:04 AM »

Smiling (click to insert in post)  And I'm interviewing with her tomorrow!  But I think it may already be in the bag, now she's giving me the babe's schedule!     Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks GK!  Ha!  Can't wait to tell hubby!

  Group hug!

   

Yay! That is awesome.

Give yourself some time to relish this and enjoy it for yourself before telling hubby!
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« Reply #43 on: January 22, 2015, 10:18:55 AM »

I don't know anyone in this field.  I have a friend who is embarking in the same direction, but she has a single focus and not a goal to make it a career.  There is a very successful person in this field whose career I've always followed, and still do.  But he isn't someone in my life or anything, more like a 'celebrity' I admire.  

There may be an industry association or something here.  That's a good idea, I can look into that.  I'd love to have a mentor of sorts in this field.

Voc - I didn't ask those big questions yet... .I think I'm just going to take it day by day and see how things work out, if I get the job.  I'm second guessing myself already, tho.  Maybe it isn't such a good idea.  NO it is, it is good for me any way I look at it.  So it isn't a big paycheck, so what.  I'm not making anything sitting here feeling sorry for myself all the time.

It's human nature I guess to not want to be pushed into anything by anyone else.  I've heard people say that they think God really did want Adam and Eve to eat the apple - that's why he told them not too!    Being cool (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #44 on: January 22, 2015, 10:20:04 AM »

 

Congrats on the interview!

I just got a call about setting up an interview this morning.  It's to a place that would be one of my top choices.

What do you need to do to prepare for the interview?

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« Reply #45 on: January 22, 2015, 10:31:02 AM »

Congrats back, FF!  Out of curiosity, is it the one your wife suggested?

I've already given her my resume and references.  I need to be focused emotionally, so that means I need to plan my day carefully, so that I'm in a good place when we meet, which is late in the day.  

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« Reply #46 on: January 22, 2015, 10:35:34 AM »

This leads me to think that I'll need to make sure hubby's in a good emotional state, so I'm not worrying about him.  Am I being proactive, or co-dependant?  Doing something fun/relaxing before the interview would be good, probably too. 
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« Reply #47 on: January 22, 2015, 10:39:59 AM »

Voc - I didn't ask those big questions yet... .I think I'm just going to take it day by day and see how things work out, if I get the job.  I'm second guessing myself already, tho.  Maybe it isn't such a good idea.  NO it is, it is good for me any way I look at it.  So it isn't a big paycheck, so what.  I'm not making anything sitting here feeling sorry for myself all the time.

Don't second guess yourself! Prepare yourself but don't second guess.

The paycheck aspect isn't that important unless you have to have the money. But even then, some money is better than no money. Like FF said, it is way easier to get a job if you already have a job. It doesn't matter what the job is. Having a job will help boost your self-esteem and give you more confidence. The pay at my job is pretty good but there are days when I feel like I should be paying them because it allows me to get out of the house, I get to interact with other people, and it gives me a set schedule that nobody can argue with. It keeps me from slipping back into unhealthy patterns and it helps me to keep the FOG at bay. I spent a month off work over the holidays and went back to work this week. WOW, it showed me how much damage was done to me by sitting home with my kids all of those years. When your life revolves around your kids and husband, it becomes easy to lose that benchmark of "what is normal".

Sorry for rambling, my point is that you can ask yourself questions and prepare yourself mentally but don't second guess. Acknowledge your fears but jump off and start somewhere.
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« Reply #48 on: January 22, 2015, 10:58:40 AM »



Thanks, Voc, you're right, no second guessing.  It really helps to hear how you've gained so much from working again.  My last stint, working over Christmas was a disaster.  I cleaned rooms for a hotel though the fall for a while, which went well.  And before that, I went a whole year without work, except for some small contract jobs along the way (my portfolio building stuff).

I've had lots of interviews, some I do really well, others I make a mess of.  I'm on a good streak right now, tho.  The last three times I was interviewed, I got the job.

Oddly these last three jobs I had didn't use my heartsong skills at all, but the first three I had relied heavily on this skill.  Too bad I didn't recognize that back then.


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« Reply #49 on: January 22, 2015, 11:34:36 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Good idea!

This leads me to think that I'll need to make sure hubby's in a good emotional state, so I'm not worrying about him.  Am I being proactive, or co-dependant?  Doing something fun/relaxing before the interview would be good, probably too. 

Almost. Nothing you can do can ever "make" him be in a good emotional state.

You can be kind, supportive, validating, and loving. That helps.

He will have the mood he has anyway.

Find a way to protect yourself--Make a plan where YOU can be happy and relaxed and not worrying about your husband at the interview.

You can't control his mood.

You can control if you worry about it.

 Take care of yourself and protect yourself!
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« Reply #50 on: January 22, 2015, 11:55:51 AM »

Good point.  His mood, his control.  Got it.  

I just booked a lunch date with a friend and left myself some time after for me to peruse a bookshop or walk a new trail or something, before the interview.  This way my mood has time to adjust if he's in a snit when I leave the house.

I just have to work my way through telling him without letting his doubt and objections get in my way.  This is where the battle begins. Like I said, every time I take a step forward, he's there to push me back.  He likely wont see the benefits of this and will just get upset that I'm willing to take it.  I can't assume though.  I'm going to put some thought into how I word all this to him. 

And he's going to be home anytime now, so I'm going to have to sign off soon, but I do check in quickly here and there when I get the chance.

   For now, I really do feel supported.  Thanks so much, BPD family!
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« Reply #51 on: January 22, 2015, 12:23:17 PM »

If you haven't already... .is there a good reason for you to tell him about the interview before it happens? (Like needing to do car-based logistics so you can get to it)

If you don't tell him, he has less reason to shoot you down over it.

You can tell him about the interview after.
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« Reply #52 on: January 22, 2015, 12:36:11 PM »

huh.  never thought of that.  I will need the car... .but does he really need to know where I'm going?  I've got my lunch date, but I'd need to explain the hours after... .I'd love to just be able to say, 'I've got the job' instead of 'I've got the interview'.  That way, it's done - no need to discuss.

Fabricating a lie may be more trouble than it's worth, tho.  I will strongly consider this if he comes home already dysregulated, for sure.
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« Reply #53 on: January 22, 2015, 12:51:09 PM »

huh.  never thought of that.  I will need the car... .but does he really need to know where I'm going?  I've got my lunch date, but I'd need to explain the hours after... .I'd love to just be able to say, 'I've got the job' instead of 'I've got the interview'.  That way, it's done - no need to discuss.

Fabricating a lie may be more trouble than it's worth, tho.  I will strongly consider this if he comes home already dysregulated, for sure.

Why fabricate a lie? Has your relationship progressed to the point of him needing to know where you are every second of the day? That isn't a judgment but an honest question. I know that my relationship had progressed to that point and I have been trying work on changing it. For me, that is part of becoming unenmeshed. It is me trying to find things to do without feeling the need to justify or explain them to my husband.

Do you have to have a set amount of time that you are going to be with your friend? Is it possible to say that you are going to have lunch, hang out with your friend, and then check out some of the local shops?
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« Reply #54 on: January 22, 2015, 04:26:47 PM »

Congrats back, FF!  Out of curiosity, is it the one your wife suggested?

No... .I've already had interviews with the place the wife suggested... .I'm waiting to see if I pass this round to get to the next.

It's a big search company... .the next round is an "assessment center" where they will give 4 candidates the same "issues"... and somehow grade our performance... .

Talk about validation though... .the search company is big on stats... .I made the first cut from 105 down to 14.  This next cut is to go from 14 down to 4. 

I'm not sure if there is more after the assessment center... we'll see.

The interview I got called about today is one we are both excited about... .so that is all good...
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« Reply #55 on: January 22, 2015, 06:26:03 PM »

I figured that if you just had the interview, it would sound weird to say "I need the car" and not say what for. Or you could expect him to ask what you are doing--it sounds like a reasonable question for him to ask.

huh.  never thought of that.  I will need the car... .but does he really need to know where I'm going?  I've got my lunch date, but I'd need to explain the hours after... .I'd love to just be able to say, 'I've got the job' instead of 'I've got the interview'.  That way, it's done - no need to discuss.

Fabricating a lie may be more trouble than it's worth, tho.  I will strongly consider this if he comes home already dysregulated, for sure.

If you need the car for a lunch date, tell him you need the car for a lunch date.

It isn't his business where you go besides that. You aren't responsible for telling him where you are spending every minute of every day.

I would just not bother mentioning it to him. Although I wouldn't recommend lying if he asks about something where 'not mentioning it' isn't a viable option.
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« Reply #56 on: January 23, 2015, 07:27:53 AM »

Why fabricate a lie? Has your relationship progressed to the point of him needing to know where you are every second of the day? That isn't a judgment but an honest question. I know that my relationship had progressed to that point and I have been trying work on changing it. For me, that is part of becoming unenmeshed. It is me trying to find things to do without feeling the need to justify or explain them to my husband.

Do you have to have a set amount of time that you are going to be with your friend? Is it possible to say that you are going to have lunch, hang out with your friend, and then check out some of the local shops?

I dont feel judged, Voc, but surprised.  Isn't that fabricating a lie? Telling him I'm going shopping when I"m going for an interview?  Anyway, it doesn't matter.  I told him.  The first time he tried to shoot me down, I stopped it in the tracks and told him it is my life and my decision, and I feel it would be very healing for me to do this.  I am sarcastic with him,  not in a mean way, but in a comedic way.   And it worked.  This scene was played out several times through the evening, but never amounted to any raging.  Thank you SET!

My h and I always know where each other all the time.  It is part of what makes me feel suffocated.  Yesterday he gave me a blow by blow of his day when he came home: where he was, who he saw, what he bought, and what joke he told the grocery store clerk!  He does this so that he can expect the same in return.  I have never demanded this, but he says that's 'how it should be'.  He even wants us to go everywhere together, including trips to the corner store.  I dont, of course, always go, only when I feel like it.  But he always asks and acts hurt if I say no.

The other night at my volunteer work, a couple of us I stayed behind when the meeting was done, and talked.  We were about 45mins later than normal.  I didn't have the moblie with me, so he couldn't call.  He was in a snit when I got home.  Said he was worried that I was in a ditch along the side of the road.      It wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, he can keep himself from raging now much better than before, but I still dont get very much 'freedom' in this way at all.

I'm going to stop in at the bank and introduce myself too today.  I agree with FF that the pay is likely dependant on the level of sales you bring in, which in all likelihood I will be terrible at like I always have been.  But I need to try anyways - bringing home a good income would do wonders for my self esteem too.  It would require me being more active in setting up boundaries around the finances but maybe it's time for that.

Thank you all again for your support and advice.  I don't know what I ever did to cope before I found you.

c.

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EaglesJuju
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #57 on: January 23, 2015, 07:31:12 AM »

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This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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