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Author Topic: How do I get some control back?  (Read 435 times)
Yaffle
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« on: January 05, 2015, 07:47:25 AM »

My uBPD GF has always complained about the size of the kitchen in our house - and I agree it is very small but still useable.  She has inherited some money and is on about spending some of it on altering the kitchen which I can understand but I'd rather extend the house out side ways which would be a bit more expensive but I think we could do it.  Her mother visited the other day with a catalogue drom a kitchen manufacturer and its pretty obvious that they havecome up with there own plans without me being involved.  There idea is to knock down an internal wall and convert the dining room and kitchen into one very large kitchen with perhaps a tiny bit of space for a sofa next to the patio doors.   I know what will happen if I argue against this 'You never agree with me' and 'Its my money' etc and a huge argument.  I'm not actually totally against knocking through into the dining room and extending the kitchen that way but no way do I want to lose the whole room.  We've got two kids and doing this would only leave us with one living room downstairs which would get pretty full with toys and very noisy. 

I think her solution would be to build a large conservatory on the back of the house.  Again I'm not against us having a conservatory but don't want a massive one as I think it would take up too much of the garden.

Probably whats going to happen next is she'll start organising quotes etc while I'm at work and can't do anything about it.  She's forever doing things to the house when I'm at work that she knows I won't like.

Basically how do I get her to sit down and have a discussion so we can come up with something we're both happy with?  She's made her mind up I think and there will be no compromise and of course its her money (even though I pay for almost all the household bills) that will be paying for it. 
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2015, 08:42:47 PM »

 

I face some of this in my r/s. 

That i'm allowed to discuss things as long as I agree with her.

Compromise means I win... in her mind.  Or it means I think she is wrong... .in her mind.

I'm working on it.

Be gently... use "help me understand how this is healthy for us... ."... .try to validate.

If you goal is to shut down the project... .probably not going to work.

If you goal is to have influence... .with gentle persistence... .it may work.

Make a list of decisions... .make sure she gets to make the lions share... .over 50 percent.

Ask her which ones she would like to make and which ones you can make...

Thoughts?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2015, 10:15:13 PM »

Who owns the house?

If she owns it, you may have to shut up.

If you own it, What the heck?

If it is jointly owned... .I think FF has you on the right track.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2015, 07:54:08 AM »

Who owns the house?

I assumed (bad on me) that is is jointly owned. 

Yeah... .totally need to clarify this first... .

And for our purposes... .maybe clarify what you want... .or spend time thinking so you know for sure what you want.  It seems you are open to some changes in the house.
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Yaffle
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 02:54:44 AM »

Thanks for the replies.  Its jointly owned and I'm happy for some work to be done but not happy with losing a whole room.  She considers it to be her house as she put the deposit down after she sold a flat but since then I've spent all of my savings on doing it up and also pay the majority of the monthly bills and the mortgage - over the 8 years we've lived there I think I've probably paid my fair share overall. GF and her mother spend a lot of time together and decide on the best course of action and things are often arranged while I'm at work.  It often happens that I'll say we'll talk about something at the weekend only to find later that its been arranged without the conversation happening 
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2015, 07:47:38 AM »

Thanks for the replies.  Its jointly owned and I'm happy for some work to be done but not happy with losing a whole room.  She considers it to be her house as she put the deposit down after she sold a flat but since then I've spent all of my savings on doing it up and also pay the majority of the monthly bills and the mortgage - over the 8 years we've lived there I think I've probably paid my fair share overall. GF and her mother spend a lot of time together and decide on the best course of action and things are often arranged while I'm at work.  It often happens that I'll say we'll talk about something at the weekend only to find later that its been arranged without the conversation happening 

Then... .you need to figure out if this is a big deal... .and you are going to work on it.  Or if you can accept this and "move along".

Fighting it halfway will most likely frustrate you and produced no results... .

This is time for you to get with your feelings and values... .and make a choice.

Also realize that you can't guarantee 50/50. 

If you choose to "work on this... ."... I think these boards can guide you... .and we can also support you if you choose to accept... and need to vent or process emotions.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2015, 11:29:35 AM »

What is her mother like, and what is the mother-daughter r/s like?

Many pwBPD have parents who have as bad or worse mental health issues, and often are at their worst when interacting with a parent.




Back to the original title: "How can I get some control back?"

Given the dynamic of a r/s with a pwBPD, I'm wondering how much control you ever had to take 'back'?

'Facts' regarding who paid for what aren't important. Your wife's sense of entitlement / ownership regarding the house and general BPD patterns makes the game clear:

I'm happy for some work to be done but not happy with losing a whole room.

This sounds harsh... .but when you have that kind of attitude, it pretty much guarantees an outcome: You will lose a whole room, and won't be happy about it.

Excerpt
GF and her mother spend a lot of time together and decide on the best course of action and things are often arranged while I'm at work.

If you want a different result, don't play their game by their rules.

Go read what jedimaster did about the joint urban farm his wife started. (Take your time, it is a long thread)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237786.0;all

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Yaffle
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2015, 07:29:41 AM »

Thank you both.  I'll have a read of that when I get chance.  Her and her mother have got a pretty close relationship but I get the impression it could have been pretty fractious before my GF moved out when she was about 20.  I'm pretty sure there may also be issues with her mothers mental health too.  She didn't go to her mothers funeral after falling out with her over one comment about our son and she's also not spoken to her son for about 5 years.  She's overrly nice to everyone too but will soon fall out with them over the slightest issue.
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jedimaster
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2015, 08:29:16 PM »

Hello Yaffle,

Grey Kitty told me he was sharing a link to my thread over here.  Besides the farm, we have also been trying for 3 years to complete our half-built house.  We have already had the money in hand once and my uBPDw burned through it before we could do anything.  I took the last $5,000 or so and tore down the old house, boarded up the doorway from the old to the new, and laid the foundation.  There it has sat since 2012, until I finally raided my 401k and put the money in an account in my name only.  It is payable to her on death, but she cannot write checks or withdraw money on it while I am living.  At my bank I could set up an account like this without telling her or needing her signature. 

The reason it has taken so long to get to this point was that she has no concept of size, cost, or planning. We would go to bed with a solid, workable, affordable design that we both agreed on and when she woke the next morning it was like nothing had ever been discussed.  Now we had to have two stories, a basement, a fireplace, a deck, a second floor screened room for the cats, a pool, a flat roof with a railing so we could walk around on it, a barn shaped roof, an attic, an arched ceiling, a sunroom, etc, etc.  Everything I have listed and more has been on her "must have" list at one time or another. 

It has finally come to the point that this must be finished or else.  My insurance agent is warning that it can't be renewed in its present state.  We have no permanent kitchen so it doesn't qualify for FHA or other financing, and I make too much money for any kind of rural housing assistance.  Taking a hardship withdrawal was my only option, and if we spend it on anything else but finishing the house we're in trouble.

I told her how much I had, and that was all there was, period.  I told her it was in the bank in its own account.  Remarkably she has never asked if she is on the account.  The builder is a family friend, and I had him give me a flat fixed price to get it to a usable condition.  My father and I will do plumbing, electrical, etc.  There is a small amount left over for flooring and things not covered, and for the inevitable overruns. 

When she couldn't run the show this time around, she pulled one of her usual tricks, which is to allegedly wash her hands of the project.  Of course this is done with full intentions of immediately weaseling back in.  I took her at her word   and have proceeded as though she meant exactly what she said.  For the most part this has worked, although there has been some whining and attempts to tell me how to run things. 

The addition is essentially one large open room (1000 sq. ft.!) which will be a great room/kitchen.  We already have a full set of kitchen cabinets and appliances in storage.  The one concession I made when she really started in about "not being a part of building her own house" wa

s to tell her that when the time comes, we will bring all of the kitchen stuff into the room and let her place it exactly where she wants.  So far this has somewhat pacified her.  Because of the layout I was fairly safe to offer her that option, although I'm sure when the time comes she'll insist on putting the stove on the ceiling or something equally impractical.

I was fortunate in that I was able to control the funding this time around, which sounds like is not an option for you.  Maybe offer something like, "You handle the kitchen and I'll handle the conservatory" and try to think of some way to manage the circumstances to keep her from getting control of the conservatory part?  Is it feasible to do both at the same time?  I'm thinking the kitchen project seems much more complex than a conservatory.  I was just wondering if overseeing a major kitchen remodel would divert her enough to allow you to build a reasonable sized conservatory while she was distracted  Smiling (click to insert in post)

As a general principle, anywhere you can find a place to set a boundary regarding the project, and stick to it, will help that much.  With my wife if you give an inch, she'll take it all, so even small boundaries will help.  I'm using our absolutely fixed budget as a justification for any decisions I need to get made without her dragging us off down a trail.  Good luck--
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"Do.  Or do not.  There is no try."  | "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”  |  "Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." ~ Yoda
Yaffle
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« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2015, 07:10:25 AM »

Thanks Jedimaster.  I've had scan through your reply and think there may be some useful points there but I'll try and digest it more fully later.
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