How should I handle this?

[Grey Kitty]

The weed makes him confrontational, hostile, and paranoid. The other behaviors are frustrating to cope with but, this exacerbates everything else. I am going to tell him that I refuse to talk to him when he is high.

Excellent boundary enforcement!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Excellent boundary enforcement!

Thanks GK    I set the boundary last night.  Surprisingly, he responded to it rather well.

I did not have to say anything else. He took it upon himself to bring up the other things, like his recent "behavior" and the new "look."  He summed it up by saying that he misses me and wants to come back. This was a perfect opportunity to discuss my concerns.

I told him that he needs to get his ___ together before he thinks about coming back. I said to him, "You went out there to be happier and healthier, it appears that you are neither. The more that you work on yourself, the quicker you can come back." Then he told me, that he has been messing up and this new look and behavior is not him. He is now going to be serious about working on himself."

Also, I told him that he should not come out for Valentines Day.  I am giving him more time to take care of himself and I will visit him a couple of weeks later.   

[formflier]

 

I think this is good response.

At some point you will need to be clear about your zero tolerance issues. 

I'm glad you will not be involved with a pothead. 

If he wants to be with you... .at some point he will gladly submit to whatever testing and oversight you require for this.

If not... .then you know his actions and words aren't matching. 

[EaglesJuju]

I think this is good response.

At some point you will need to be clear about your zero tolerance issues. 

I'm glad you will not be involved with a pothead. 

If he wants to be with you... .at some point he will gladly submit to whatever testing and oversight you require for this.

If not... .then you know his actions and words aren't matching. 

I think it was a really good response. I came to find out that him constantly telling me about it was a "cry for help."

He took responsibility for it and told me that he was ashamed for this behavior. Also, he said he knows who he is and this behavior is not the man he is or the man I deserve.

He never smoked weed here. Two of my siblings are heavily into weed and offered him it all the time, but he never smoked it. I made it very clear before that I do not want weed in my house. That boundary will stay the same when he returns.

I set a boundary with alcohol before he left.  He was getting out of control with alcohol, drinking every time he could not handle his emotions. He agreed that it was getting out of control and that was one of the reasons he went to get help.

The problem is he uses substances for coping. With his impulsivity and the disorder, it becomes excessive.  This is something that he needs to work on with his psychiatrist.

[Grey Kitty]

Keep up the good boundary work!

And don't expect him to be easy/supportive about it all the time.

The problem is he uses substances for coping. With his impulsivity and the disorder, it becomes excessive.  This is something that he needs to work on with his psychiatrist.

Yup.

The substances create their own secondary issues after he goes there... .and you should protect yourself from them.

Real progress will be either looking at the underlying issues... .or finding better coping mechanisms. All of which needs comes from him, not you. Good thing he is in T.

How do you feel about letting this part go and letting it be his issue?

[EaglesJuju]

And don't expect him to be easy/supportive about it all the time.

I know. Although, since he has been in therapy more frequently, the communication has dramatically improved.

Real progress will be either looking at the underlying issues... .or finding better coping mechanisms. All of which needs comes from him, not you. Good thing he is in T.

He has a lot of problems with compulsive and reckless behavior. Binge eating is another one of his vices unfortunately.

He shared with me a list of things that he wants to continue to work on in therapy.  The number one thing was coping mechanisms. As condescending as it sounds, I am really proud of him for recognizing these behaviors.

How do you feel about letting this part go and letting it be his issue?

I feel amazing. Letting him deal with his own crap works three fold: it helps me with my DPD/co-dependency, it alleviates unnecessary stress from me, and it makes him accountable/responsible for his behaviors.

Setting boundaries feels amazing as well. I have come a long way with my own therapy. I could not imagine saying the things I said a year and a half ago.  He even commented that he was proud I am setting boundaries.  

I do not want to be his mother or therapist.    

[formflier]

 

EaglesJuju,

Are you ok with him smoking weed as long as it is not in your house?

to me... .seems like big difference.

I would hope you can look at yourself and decide... .I'm important... .and I'm "worth" more than having a r/s with a "weed smoker". 

That is very different than saying you are ok with being with a "weed smoker"... .as long as it isn't in your house.

[EaglesJuju]

EaglesJuju,

Are you ok with him smoking weed as long as it is not in your house?

to me... .seems like big difference.

I would hope you can look at yourself and decide... .I'm important... .and I'm "worth" more than having a r/s with a "weed smoker". 

That is very different than saying you are ok with being with a "weed smoker"... .as long as it isn't in your house.

FF,

The way I wrote that may have come across as ambiguous.  I will not tolerate smoking weed, whether it be in my house or any where else, from him. He never smoked weed when he lived here.  He knows that I will not tolerate it. Hell, he has even commented how dumb it is when my brother gets high every night and how that is unfair to my sister in law.   I have been direct and said that I am not marrying a weed smoker.


 

[formflier]

 I have been direct and said that I am not marrying a weed smoker.

How long must he be sober and weed free to consider moving back... .?

[EaglesJuju]

How long must he be sober and weed free to consider moving back... .?

I think the weed problem will be concurrently fixed with therapy. I am thinking May. This will give him enough time to work on his core issues and coping mechanisms.  Realistically, I know that a couple more months of therapy will not fix everything.  Basically, he needs to be in a better place mentally than he is now and to be weed free for a couple of months.

[formflier]

How long must he be sober and weed free to consider moving back... .?

I think the weed problem will be concurrently fixed with therapy. I am thinking May. This will give him enough time to work on his core issues and coping mechanisms.  Realistically, I know that a couple more months of therapy will not fix everything.  Basically, he needs to be in a better place mentally than he is now and to be weed free for a couple of months.

Will going back to weed... .(if that ever happens) be treated the same as cheating... .?  Once he comes back... .how will you explain your boundaries?

[EaglesJuju]

Will going back to weed... .(if that ever happens) be treated the same as cheating... .?  Once he comes back... .how will you explain your boundaries?

It certainly will be treated with the same seriousness as cheating.

I found that writing out things, like an email or document, works best before we discuss things. I will send it to him to look at before we talk. He has done the same with things he wants to address.

It helps with his impulsivity, when he writes it out before hand. Also writing it out before hand, helps me stay on topic.

Both of us have more productive conversations/communication this way. There has been less arguing, JADE, and more mutual agreement.

I have done this before with personal space boundaries (before he left) and it worked rather well. He tends to respond well when things are direct and clearly stated.

I would directly tell him that I do not want weed involved in my life and that includes him smoking it. I really would have to think about how I would say it without it coming across as too ultimatum like. Ultimatums trigger him badly. I think there is a difference between boundaries and ultimatums.

I believe the weed smoking will not continue here. He is respectful of my views/feelings on being healthy. In my opinion, smoking weed while having many mental health issues is not healthy.

Also, he knows that being around weed is bad for me and my career. He most likely will return to his old job, which drug tests him. 

I really am not worried about it.  

The main thing is, I cannot control him when he is here with me. I especially, cannot control what he is doing thousand of miles away from me. I can only set strong boundaries.

[formflier]

I would directly tell him that I do not want weed involved in my life and that includes him smoking it. I really would have to think about how I would say it without it coming across as too ultimatum like. Ultimatums trigger him badly. I think there is a difference between boundaries and ultimatums.

Excellent observation and point. 

Express it as a value.  I am valuable enough that I choose to be in a drug free relationship.