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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Another triggered reaction to her knowing my thoughts and emotions  (Read 579 times)
waverider
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« Reply #30 on: January 10, 2015, 07:58:23 PM »

I dont have a serious issue with interrupting. At times you have to stop things going off at a tangent. It is about how you interrupt. If you have a residual frustration triggering it, or it is a calm desire to get back on track.

If we are honest we tend to interrupt out of frustration. This often shows, and they then are game to put their own interpretation on it. Letting emotional under currents not color or present action is a skill we have to practice.

As far as apologizing it is a matte of being clear about what we are apologizing for... Interrupting? Or the way we interrupted? Apologizing for interrupting sends the message that we promise never to interrupt (ie they have free hand to rant as long as they want) otherwise we disingenuous. Apologizing for the way we interrupted suggests that we made a mistake this time.
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« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2015, 04:17:44 PM »

Hi formflier,

You seem pretty certain that your wife was intentionally avoiding coming to bed.  What makes you think that?  Is it possible that she was just busy?  A mother of 8 must have a lot to do.

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formflier
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« Reply #32 on: January 13, 2015, 04:38:58 PM »

 

I don't know for sure... .but I've seen this pattern before.

I had directly asked her to come... .and had let her know I needed her so I could work through some thoughts and emotions.  Don't remember the exact quote.

When she is "settled" emotionally... .she normally comes or says "just a minute"... .and it really is a minute.  Something reasonable happens.

Hard to explain because I don't remember exact details of the night... .but she was not "baseline" emotionally.

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« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2015, 05:00:55 PM »

There are some things that seem to indicate that she didn’t want sex that night: avoiding the bedroom, being satisfied with the child sleeping in your bed, accusing you of being upset that your plans were ruined.  This is not how a woman acts when she's in the mood. 

It sounds like you frequently like to talk through your anxiety and cuddle at night, so maybe it's one of those things that she was avoiding. It's pretty clear that she didn't want to do SOMETHING.

I’m curious about why she was passive-aggressive about refusing it, though.  What would have happened if she has simply been direct and said, “I’m not in the mood.”?  Do you think that your admitted frustration is preventing her from being honest with you about that?
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formflier
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« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2015, 05:08:57 PM »

I’m curious about why she was passive-aggressive about refusing it, though.  What would have happened if she has simply been direct and said, “I’m not in the mood.”?  Do you think that your admitted frustration is preventing her from being honest with you about that?

Occassionaly she will be direct.  I appreciate that... .

PA is part of how she is... I wish she would be direct.  She is a master at answering questions with rhetorical questions... .and not giving a clear answer. 

My take is that when she "gets that way"... .or is ruminating about something in her head she is usually oppositional to anything I want.  Sometimes I can work through it and bring her down... .sometimes not.

Bringing up her "opposition" will get a reaction from her... .

So... "do you want to go upstairs and have sex?" (from me)  "I'm walking up the stairs... .aren't I?" (from her)  Not said that night... but an example of an interaction.  Not a playful tone either... .

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« Reply #35 on: January 13, 2015, 05:29:59 PM »

How do you act when he says she isn't in the mood and is direct?

Does your wife sense your disappointment? Is she trying to say this indirectly so as not to feel you are upset with her? It seems you needed her to help with your feeling anxious. Maybe she was just not up to that. When the kids were little, I had little left to give emotionally at the end of the evening.

I also need some down time between taking care of kids and then interacting with another human being. I think this is a mom thing. All day long it is "mommy mommy mommy" and going from that to "oh honey... .which might lead to something else" isn't always easy. Sometimes I need a little time to myself to collect my own thoughts after a long day with the kids. Maybe the taking her time to get to bed was a way for her to do that before being there for you.
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formflier
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« Reply #36 on: January 13, 2015, 05:33:58 PM »

 

I know what you mean about needing your own time.

I won't say I'm always perfect with direct responses... .but the vast majority of my response are supportive... .do you need help... .can I get you something.

That's ok... I'll take a raincheck... etc etc.

My rejections of her... .again... few and far between... .usually get a bigger response.  Blame... .I want another woman... etc etc.  Not always... but back when things were bad... .a rejection was setting off a nuke.

Not it just needs to be handled properly.  Rejections on both sides are rare.  I've very thankful for that.

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« Reply #37 on: January 13, 2015, 05:41:04 PM »

That's good.

True rejections on my part were rare, but that didn't matter. Even one "not tonight" would be interpreted as a soul crushing personal rejection and result in a rage. It is miserable.

Sometimes I wondered if he would later reject me to "pay me back" for it.

Yet sometimes I do zone out in the kitchen after the kids go to bed, just taking in a few moments of quiet at the end of the day. Sometimes he thinks I am avoiding him. It is hard to be attentive when being with the kids all day and a moment of quiet sometimes helps.
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