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Author Topic: I must stop making it worse...  (Read 488 times)
Bloomer
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« on: January 09, 2015, 01:16:40 PM »

  everyone. It has been over 5 months since my last confession. I wish I could report sunshine and rainbows were coming out of my you-know-what but, alas, I am still at the crossroads.

Since I posted in August https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=231315.msg12478345#msg12478345  there have been some improvements.

After my last post, I gave dBPD H quite a vacation from my FOO, who he as a strong aversion to, so he'd have some cool down time. I'd say he had over a month without any contact. Then we went to my parent's for dinner, there was some disagreement between me and other family members over something trivial but of course very significant to H (note that said family members apologized before I left). On the way home, he said he would never see my family again. I told him if that was true then we were done bc I couldn't live two lives. This led to several arguments, he viewed an apartment and eventually told me that he didn't mean what he said about never seeing my family. We had many discussions. He finally felt supported in that I acknowledged his feelings on my family and he has assured me that he doesn't hate them/think they're terrible people though he may say these things when triggered. This made him feel much happier and supported. My FOO still causes him great distress and I still wish he could be less harsh in his judgments of them but I keep these to myself and do my best to be supportive when he expresses a reasonable feeling/statement about them. So far, so good on this front.

As for my lucky charms... .I have been doing intensive psychotherapy 2 days a week since July. I have talked at length about this r/s, FOO trauma, and childhood scars. I have been raw with emotion and admit I have been throwing stones quite easily over the past several months. I have dug up every hidden feeling on anything, but most importantly, all of the ones I buried in the garden in relation to my H, his past behavior and my spineless responses to his abuse. I feel resentment, hurt, anger, heartbreak and some of that is directed towards myself.

H is still in regular T as well as group DBT with a specialist, each once per week. So he's definitely working hard and I see the improvements, most of the time. Unfortunately, I still see eggshells all over the floor. I feel uncomfortable being sexually vulnerable at this time. I am constantly afraid of triggering him still even though I have seen improvement. Occasionally there is a break and I open up and of course there is something that happens and he is triggered (even if he handles better) or sometimes a full dysregulation (1/month).

So I teeter between building up my brick wall of emotions to keep him out and climbing over it because I see the man I fell in love with. He has accused me of not being able to let go of the past, and I understand his point. However, nothing feels in the past. Everything feels fluid and connected. He still has many of the same triggers, sometimes they go away and pop back up without warning. I know I need to get a handle on my emotions because I been behaving poorly and am severely depressed. However, I know if I stuff it all back in, I am not helping anything either. I plan on using the tools here but have realized that I need more support to figure this out.

I am only 3.5 years into this r/s with 2 years of marriage. I know I can still walk away and rebuild, much easier than many here that I have watched endure far longer. I just hate that I can't know if he'll ever be better than he is now, which is improved but still blind to some of his manipulative habits. I have suggested a  trial  separation in the hopes of reconciling, to give us both time to work on our own baggage. He said if he has to move out of the apartment, he is done and is moving on with his life whether we get a formal divorce or not. I said I'd find a place to stay so then H said he doesn't believe a trial sep. will work and thinks we need to work through things together. He also won't go to couples T as we tried with one T before he was dxd and it was a *DISASTER* and again with his T. We have fought in the sessions with his T but I think it may have eventually helped us resolve the FOO deal breaker.

So, I am stuck in a 1 bedroom apartment with someone I currently feel I need space from, who tells me he needs more affection, connection, less anger, etc. And I have to deal with my feelings to move past them, I would like some space to do so and almost daily he does something that feels reminiscent of something in the past that feeds my resentment (i.e. telling me I use my phone too much even though when he was still on FB, he was on his laptop all the time... .) "rules" are always changing even if his outbursts are better I think his control-issues are not visible to him. I know I still love him but I don't feel very loving towards him right now.

Any and all questions, comments, relephants, elephants are welcome and appreciated. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 02:24:45 PM »

Whew, that's a lot to cope with!

Then we went to my parent's for dinner, there was some disagreement between me and other family members over something trivial but of course very significant to H (note that said family members apologized before I left). On the way home, he said he would never see my family again. I told him if that was true then we were done bc I couldn't live two lives.

Can you re-consider what you want? I see three things, 'tho you aren't this direct:

1. You want a good r/s with your H.

2. You want a good r/s with your FOO.

3. You want your H to get along with your FOO.

It may not be possible to have all of them. My suggestion is to prioritize #1 and #2.

#3 seems to work against #1, since he is triggered by issues in your FOO.

#3 may also work against #2, if your H is miserable enough to put a damper on your time with your FOO.

If you stop pushing your H to be around your FOO, he might do better at finding his own peace with them.

How would ti feel to tell your H that YOU are going to stay connected with your FOO, do things with them, talk to them, and he is invited to join you... .his choice.

Excerpt
So, I am stuck in a 1 bedroom apartment with someone I currently feel I need space from, who tells me he needs more affection, connection, less anger, etc. And I have to deal with my feelings to move past them, I would like some space to do so and almost daily he does something that feels reminiscent of something in the past that feeds my resentment

What actions can you take to get more space from him on a daily or weekly basis? Getting one of the two of you out of the apartment sounds critical.

My wife and I have had discussions/arguments in the past that related to time apart. One solution she first proposed was arranging our time for more quality and less quantity. Less time spent in the same room, surfing facebook separately, etc, and more time apart, plus trying to be engaged and positive with each other when we are together. Whenever we make a shift like that, even if one or both of us fight it, it feels better when we adjust to it.
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Bloomer
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 03:31:29 PM »

Can you re-consider what you want? I see three things, 'tho you aren't this direct:

1. You want a good r/s with your H.

2. You want a good r/s with your FOO.

3. You want your H to get along with your FOO.

It may not be possible to have all of them. My suggestion is to prioritize #1 and #2.

#3 seems to work against #1, since he is triggered by issues in your FOO.

#3 may also work against #2, if your H is miserable enough to put a damper on your time with your FOO.

If you stop pushing your H to be around your FOO, he might do better at finding his own peace with them.

How would ti feel to tell your H that YOU are going to stay connected with your FOO, do things with them, talk to them, and he is invited to join you... .his choice.

Your 1, 2 and 3 are all correct. To this end, I have been doing exactly what you've suggested over the past few months. He has weekly band rehearsal not too far from my parents so I often go to visit them while he is there. I have not made any issue about him not going or coming for dinner after, etc. And I have also made plans with my sister on my own and given him the option of coming or not. He has actually chosen to come and it was fine. He also invited my FOO for Christmas dinner, which nearly knocked me out of my boots. I was so nervous something would go wrong and he was quite anxious too. So I ended up doing all the grocery shopping and most of the work pre-party, even though it was his suggestion. He did make the main entree and everything was successful. However, he was not overly thankful for how much I did and I definitely felt some resentment for that. He didn't even pay for half the booze/food as we normally would do for guests and I didn't ask for it either. So, that's sort of a long way of saying it's better but there are definitely snags.

What actions can you take to get more space from him on a daily or weekly basis? Getting one of the two of you out of the apartment sounds critical.

My wife and I have had discussions/arguments in the past that related to time apart. One solution she first proposed was arranging our time for more quality and less quantity. Less time spent in the same room, surfing facebook separately, etc, and more time apart, plus trying to be engaged and positive with each other when we are together. Whenever we make a shift like that, even if one or both of us fight it, it feels better when we adjust to it.

We do live on a main drag so that's a plus because technically I could always go to a pub or coffee shop. However, I am not really one to hang out on my own in public and for some reason all of my friends who live close are currently hibernating under rocks and very hard to make plans with. So, I think maybe finding a set hobby where I go somewhere might be good but also, we share a car, so I just have to coordinate with his schedule. The other issue is that he seems to want more interaction and attention and I don't know how to say "Can I hang out in this room and do X while you do whatever in the other room" without causing some sort of issue. So any suggestions on how to broach that topic would be appreciated.

We used to have a lot more gatherings and events to go to with other people and lately it has just been the two of us for the most part. So, I think this is definitely a factor in feeling like I want to sneak out of the window like I'm a teenager :-)
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 06:46:00 PM »

I don't know how to say "Can I hang out in this room and do X while you do whatever in the other room" without causing some sort of issue. So any suggestions on how to broach that topic would be appreciated.

Answer: You don't do it without causing any sort of issue.

You do it anyway, and it is his choice whether to make an issue of it or not. Then you choose to deal with the issue. If you get good at it, he'll stop making issues out of it. If he gets what he wants by making an issue out of it, you are encouraging that behavior.

I'd suggest wording it differently and/or structuring it differently. You don't need permission to go into another room.

Either just go in another room and do something on your own, or tell him you are going to do "X" in the other room.

If it isn't going the way you like, be more detailed about how you tried and what happened.
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Bloomer
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2015, 09:48:33 AM »

After a week of fighting, we had a calm conversation about H's needs on Saturday when he returned from T. He needs me to be more affectionate and stop being so angry. He needs me to care about him and show it, etc. etc. Though calm, he is still painting the walls black a bit. He said I'm *never* affectionate any more and that every day we spend hours talking about my depression and I'm not supporting of him... .

I told him I understood his needs and that my anger, though valid, needs to be expressed in a less hurtful manner and that I'm actively working to that goal in my own therapy.

I also told him that I know I'm still affectionate but since we've been sort of in conflict all week, it definitely takes me time to recover. I told him I always bounce back but it does take me about a day after a spat to "reset". Eventually he accepted this and said he'd try to give me time.

Though I argued that we definitely didn't talk about my depression every day and certainly not for hours, he refused to accept so I gave up on that because I know it isn't true. I did provide him with a recent example of me providing support to him (about not liking his current job and feeling like it's a waste of his time) and pointing out that this is continued support and a topic that comes up regularly. So he did feel a bit better about that point.

So this is sort of why I started this post. This feels like an endless cycle. I want to stop feeling resentment but every time I hear such absolute negative statements about my behavior I feel really put off. So I either sort of shut down emotionally or I have ALL the emotions at the same time. It seems like there is never a break in what I perceive as criticism. I'm always doing something *to* him. And then I have to hear how everything is always about me... .

I know I need to work on my anger.    This is me claiming my anger. No denial here. I don't know how to let go of a feeling that is constantly being fed. He just keeps putting fuel on the fire, so to speak. So every time I start feeling less angry and I move closer to him and open up, he says something about my behavior or throws something back at me and I go back to square one.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) GK, I did bring up spending more quality time together over more time together as you suggested. And he said he saw the value in that. I will have to be the one to enforce this though. After this week I leave for a 2 week trip to visit a cousin, my best friend and captain of Team Bloomer  Smiling (click to insert in post) Can't wait.

The next thing to tackle is how to approach contact while I'm away. I need space but I don't want to be hurtful by pushing him away completely since I'll already be physically gone. How do I give myself enough space and try to meet his needs? How do I find out his needs in the most positive approach?

 How do I stop worrying about every interaction we have?
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2015, 12:58:00 PM »

The next thing to tackle is how to approach contact while I'm away. I need space but I don't want to be hurtful by pushing him away completely since I'll already be physically gone. How do I give myself enough space and try to meet his needs? How do I find out his needs in the most positive approach?

How do the two of you normally interact when you are apart? I know my H and I went through a period where it felt like he needed to be in constant contact with me through phone, email, text, social media, or whatever other means he could get. I had to do some serious boundary setting. It wasn't easy for sure. Is there a way that the two of you can agree to keep contact to a minimum? For example, text for list/business type stuff and calls for daily check ins. Or perhaps set up some time to Skype. Think about what you want and then see if the two of you can negotiate a bit so that he doesn't feel abandoned and you don't feel smothered.

Excerpt
 How do I stop worrying about every interaction we have?

That is a good question! I am interested to see what kinds of responses you get to this. I tend to try to be very mindful of my interactions with him. I am trying to figure out the difference between being mindful and considerate and walking on eggshells.
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Bloomer
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2015, 01:23:12 PM »

How do the two of you normally interact when you are apart? I know my H and I went through a period where it felt like he needed to be in constant contact with me through phone, email, text, social media, or whatever other means he could get. I had to do some serious boundary setting. It wasn't easy for sure. Is there a way that the two of you can agree to keep contact to a minimum? For example, text for list/business type stuff and calls for daily check ins. Or perhaps set up some time to Skype. Think about what you want and then see if the two of you can negotiate a bit so that he doesn't feel abandoned and you don't feel smothered.

We went through that period as well and it was very unhealthy indeed. The last several times he has been away for work, once for a 2 month period, we have used emails and some texting to keep in touch. Usually a text before bed but nothing too set in stone. So, honestly the contact is already kind of minimal. However, that was when HE was away and had to be for work and was busy and tired from working. This time, I have elected to take a trip on my own. I will be working bc I work remotely any how for my day job but then I will be spending time with said cousin. I doubt he'll want to Skype as he started saying that we didn't need to Skype so much on his last long trip. We did some voice only skyping then but for a week trip there were probably only a couple actual phone calls. I guess my anxiety is that I will attempt this same sort of standard, that he set, and then I will be criticized for it. It could be pointless stress and I will probably just have to go and see what happens.

That is a good question! I am interested to see what kinds of responses you get to this. I tend to try to be very mindful of my interactions with him. I am trying to figure out the difference between being mindful and considerate and walking on eggshells.

Part of this for me is that H has definitely gotten considerably better. However, I am now hypersensitive so I admit that sometimes I react when there isn't anything. I'm working on my part in this equation. The other part is that because H has improved, he's more likely to point the finger at me even when he has said or done something hurtful or harsh. And he is sort of guilty of intermittent reinforcement with me in that I  let my guard down and then he has his 1 dysregulation of the month and I lose my comfort zone again.
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Bloomer
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2015, 03:39:13 PM »

I've been thinking a LOT today. About my r/s, myself, my depression, my therapy, etc... .I've been reading a lot of boards and workshops, taking notes even.

I think step one for all questions posed or things brought up here is that I need to focus on myself for awhile. Focus on the hurt that made me the kind of person to endure this in the beginning - forgive myself - look at myself - learn to love myself.

I think until I jump head first into me, I can't really work to forgive him. And I can't let go of that resentment either because I've got to untangle myself first. I also think that respecting myself again is the key to being better at handling the anger where it stands now. If I respect myself, I'm less likely to do things that make me ashamed of myself. I'm also more likely to be able to seem confident and I know that generally gets a positive response from H as an added bonus. Confident not controlling or superior.

I guess this is just more of a thinking-out-loud post but I thought I'd just update with where I am and welcome anyone's comments or thoughts. I think I need to face things head on as well instead of hiding under my rock as I have been doing a lot lately.

I am woman, here me roar... .purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2015, 03:59:58 PM »

I think step one for all questions posed or things brought up here is that I need to focus on myself for awhile. Focus on the hurt that made me the kind of person to endure this in the beginning - forgive myself - look at myself - learn to love myself.

That is a great place to start. It isn't easy though.  In my case, I am having to take a long hard look at myself. It is so easy to focus so much on our partners that we lose sight of who we are and what we want.

Excerpt
I think until I jump head first into me, I can't really work to forgive him. And I can't let go of that resentment either because I've got to untangle myself first. I also think that respecting myself again is the key to being better at handling the anger where it stands now. If I respect myself, I'm less likely to do things that make me ashamed of myself. I'm also more likely to be able to seem confident and I know that generally gets a positive response from H as an added bonus. Confident not controlling or superior.

It is a process. The more I jump into me, the more I resentments I am finding. Those resentments are there because I kept quiet on so many things over the years. I let so much slide: self care, speaking up, focusing on him, etc. The anger is tricky for me. I don't know whether to be mad at him or mad at myself. The focus of my anger seems to shift from person to person and topic to topic. There is so much there for me to process.

In all honesty, I have tried to take forgiveness off the table for now. I was spinning myself in circles focusing on forgiving. I have to pull my head out of my butt, get out of denial, and start accepting things as they are rather than how I want them to be. I am doing a lot of grieving about a whole host of things.

Excerpt
I guess this is just more of a thinking-out-loud post but I thought I'd just update with where I am and welcome anyone's comments or thoughts. I think I need to face things head on as well instead of hiding under my rock as I have been doing a lot lately.

But it is so comfy and warm under that little rock. . . Smiling (click to insert in post) I know, I have my own little rock that I am slowly crawling out from under. Some days, it is almost too overwhelming for me to process so I have to step back and recoup.
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Bloomer
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2015, 04:14:04 PM »

In all honesty, I have tried to take forgiveness off the table for now. I was spinning myself in circles focusing on forgiving. I have to pull my head out of my butt, get out of denial, and start accepting things as they are rather than how I want them to be. I am doing a lot of grieving about a whole host of things.

If only there were a like button on here.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) My head is quite, em, stuck at the moment. My therapist has been pointing this out to me. I want things to be better and I want it now! Perhaps if we share a rock when needed it will be easier as we'll have less space to hide from the world and we'll be forced to remove our heads to chat, even while under the rock.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2015, 04:24:59 PM »

Got some more room under that rock? It's kinda lonely under mine.

I also have a lot of anger for the years I felt mistreated, but then, I put up with it. From what my T says, we are a match for each other in terms of our differentiation. Since I had such poor boundaries, I attracted people with poor boundaries. Someone with healthier boundaries would not have fit.

It is good to focus on your own recovery. I don't think it is always clear what one should do.From what I understand, if one person gets healthier and more intact, then the fit between the two people is off. The other has to deal with not being enabled, or other things that were going on. I don't think these means we can change them , some improvement is possible. However once we do better and have a better sense of self, maybe some clarity can come from that.

For some people, the decision to stay or leave is clearer, but maybe feeling uncertain is just a signal that more personal growth is needed. 
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2015, 11:23:00 PM »

Excerpt
 How do I stop worrying about every interaction we have?

That is a good question! I am interested to see what kinds of responses you get to this. I tend to try to be very mindful of my interactions with him. I am trying to figure out the difference between being mindful and considerate and walking on eggshells.

The first difference between the two is what is driving it.

Walking on eggshells is driven by FEAR of the reaction.

Mindful consideration, and using the tools is driven by a desire for peace and a choice to act in a way to create more peace, and love in our relationship.

I know the feeling of worrying about interactions all too well. My best way around it was spending some time with the fear I'm feeling. I've sometimes found it to be a paper tiger--I've realized that the very thing I'm afraid of is either A) completely controllable with boundary enforcement, or B) something I've survived dozens of times, or both.

When I let go of the fear, I act in ways that makes me a purring Grey Kitty!
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2015, 04:28:48 AM »

I think you're right about the fear. Fear is what drove my family to all WOE around mom, so when I got married, when my H was angry, it terrfied me. The payoff for an angry person is that they get their way. I gave into this for years, primarily out of fear and also to not have so many rages around the kids. It was so automatic I wasn't even aware of it.

Being mindful of my own fears helps, so when I make a decision to avert a rage, I ask myself if it is out of fear or another reason. Sometimes, I don't want to deal with it. Sometimes we pick our battles. I also try to be mindful of triggers, both his and mine. He has to deal with his, but when I am triggered, I try to let it pass.

But sometimes it just happens, and you are right, it is a paper tiger, and when I can see it as a paper tiger, I have less fear.
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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2015, 07:44:17 AM »

I don't know how to say "Can I hang out in this room and do X while you do whatever in the other room" without causing some sort of issue. So any suggestions on how to broach that topic would be appreciated.

Answer: You don't do it without causing any sort of issue.

You do it anyway, and it is his choice whether to make an issue of it or not. Then you choose to deal with the issue. If you get good at it, he'll stop making issues out of it. If he gets what he wants by making an issue out of it, you are encouraging that behavior.

I'd suggest wording it differently and/or structuring it differently. You don't need permission to go into another room.

Either just go in another room and do something on your own, or tell him you are going to do "X" in the other room.

If it isn't going the way you like, be more detailed about how you tried and what happened.

This is hard. I was taught to seek harmony above all else so doing something I know will get a negative reaction is very difficult. I'm loving this thread and the focus on us nons being out best selves. Thank you for keeping the focus positive and on us and our reactions and what we can change.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2015, 09:28:30 AM »

This is hard. I was taught to seek harmony above all else so doing something I know will get a negative reaction is very difficult.

Yes, it is hard. Consider what seeking harmony includes, at all levels.

Harmony isn't just for others besides yourself. When you do that sort of thing, in your own mind and heart you are giving up internal harmony and peace... .to avoid somebody else's negative reaction.

There is a better balance than that.
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Bloomer
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« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2015, 11:29:24 AM »

Thanks for all the responses! It is nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with these issues. I had a great "paper tiger" moment the other night.

Since I've been feeling all the feelings of resentment, I've been a lot more afraid of the paper tiger, especially in the bedroom because what situation could be more vulnerable. And H has unfortunately painted me black even there, however it hasn't happened in that scenario in a very long time. Obviously when these feelings resurfaced several months back it was upsetting on a number of levels. So the other night I not only initiated sex, which I've not been doing much at all but when I felt very nervous and pressured bc H was trying to see to my bedroom needs before his (yes, he was trying to do something nice and I got super anxious!) I called it out and made him aware and owned it. He maintained his patience, I worked through the emotions and both of our needs were met. After I verbalized more that I know nothing bad has happened during sex in a long time but that it is still a time when I feel more vulnerable. I told H that it was so nice to make positive memories.

I'm glad I was able to recognize, own those anxieties and pushed myself through this. I hope it is the first of many similar experiences so that I can get over some of my anxieties and also find the confidence I need when the situation is actually a difficult one.
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Bloomer
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married on November 5, 2012
Posts: 183



« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2015, 02:51:29 PM »

It's time to get the car inspected. I am leaving for a 2 week trip to visit my cousin and work remotely from her place. I couldn't get the car in before I left due to a number of conflicts/lack of availability. My father always refers me to a mechanic he knows/trusts so I don't get taken advantage of since I know nothing about cars. I told H that I wouldn't be able to take the car in until I got back and it will be just two days past inspection. I asked if he'd rather take in while I'm away and he just said "I don't think that's a good idea." H has a lot of issues with my FOO. So because my father refers us to mechanics, he can't take the car that he drives to work every day for inspection... .I just said ok but it's really pretty annoying. He does none and pays for none of the car maintenance. Since I started paying on the car before we met, and he immigrated from a different country, I've always just handled these things. I just feel like at some point it would be nice if he could get over whatever fear he has of seeing a mechanic that my father happens to know for just 15 minutes.

This rolls over into another thing. Until H got a full-time job, I paid for everything. Since he started work I asked him to take over the rent payments and agreed to continue paying the other bills. He always seems to be broke. I paid for all the groceries last trip when we normally split them in half bc he had no money. I would like to note that we are saving money in a joint account through direct deposits each month and we have separate checking accounts now (the separate checking accounts came about over the summer when he threatened to leave me after coming off of zoloft-fun times). Luckily this means we are saving money but I don't understand why he isn't managing his better and now I am literally "paying" for it.

This has been a touchy subject for us in the past. I told him if he didn't have enough money he didn't have to put the same amount into savings as I was. He didn't want to do that bc he thinks it's important to save (which was a nice thing to hear). He does also carry the benefits through his work and puts money into an HSA account for us each pay period. Should I just let this go since we are saving and I make slightly more than him? Or should I try to enforce a boundary about spending and sharing expenses? I know this is a touchy subject for any marriage and probably a leading cause of divorce. Any ideas?
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2015, 03:48:24 PM »

Hmmm... .regarding the car. As he's the one driving it and it is past inspection, as long as he gets the any consequences, I'd recommend letting it go. (Any surcharges, fines, fees associated with being past due.) Then it can be his decision.

The money thing is complicated. I'm not quite sure which part you want to address.

You say you don't understand why he isn't managing his money better.

You say he's running out of money at the end of the month, and you end up covering for him.

What is your limit of how much you will help him every month, or on a 'bad' month for him? Is it zero? Are you OK if he's $100 short every month? What values of yours are being violated when this happens?

You sound afraid of having a confrontation with him over it.

How do you both feel about managing money? Do you like it more than he does? Does he think he's better than he is? Does he want help?
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