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Author Topic: New Beginning 2...  (Read 1221 times)
MaroonLiquid
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« on: January 09, 2015, 03:00:18 PM »

Here is the last thread... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239412.0

     My wife said she wasn't going to pay a car not until she recouped some of her financial losses from our marriage.     Smiling (click to insert in post).  She cracks me up sometimes.  I told her that I wasn't going to pay hers anymore and they will just come get it.  That's when she said she wasn't going to pay for the washer and dryer anymore and I said, "Fine, they can't reposses that."     

     So my wife posted a picture on her Facebook today.  Two days ago it was the photo I have on my Facebook cropped with just her in black and white and I'm photoshopped out and another photo that says everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third.  Today it is a selfie of her, but not centered (she is off to the right) trying to show she is all cold and bundled up.  In the left part of the picture she is showing the present my 5 YO biological son gave to her for Christmas that says Bless Your Heart because of what she went through last year with 2 surgeries (he came up with that all by himself).  Interesting.  Again, not going to worry about it.  She knows where I'm at.  I think it bothers her that I have gone completely silent and not posted on Facebook at all since last week. 
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 08:18:06 PM »

I am missing my wife this evening.  Not horrible, but still there.  Saying it here because I know yall understand.  I'm pending time with my kids and watching a movie and thank God for them. They have already asked to see her and the kids and I told them "getting together may not work out this weekend." 
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 08:30:33 PM »

I'm pending time with my kids and watching a movie and thank God for them. They have already asked to see her and the kids and I told them "getting together may not work out this weekend." 

if you want to reach out to her, this is an opening. Tell her what your kids said.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 09:45:21 PM »

I'm pending time with my kids and watching a movie and thank God for them. They have already asked to see her and the kids and I told them "getting together may not work out this weekend." 

if you want to reach out to her, this is an opening. Tell her what your kids said.

I feel like this plays into her and gives her the upper hand and an opening to say, "no" to keep control and reject me.  This is that stupid stalemate stuff I hate. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 10:37:28 PM »

I'm pending time with my kids and watching a movie and thank God for them. They have already asked to see her and the kids and I told them "getting together may not work out this weekend." 

if you want to reach out to her, this is an opening. Tell her what your kids said.

I feel like this plays into her and gives her the upper hand and an opening to say, "no" to keep control and reject me.  This is that stupid stalemate stuff I hate. 

True--she can say no.

Do you think your kids will see her and her kids if you don't ask?

She already has the choice to see you and your kids... .or not. Asking her doesn't change that.

What are the chances she will say "yes"?
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2015, 10:49:46 PM »

Texted her and asked about 15 minutes ago.  No response.  Her loss.  Not mine.     oh well
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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2015, 05:22:29 AM »

Hi MaroonLiquid,

Has your wife responded to your text?

Your situation seems more troublesome (to me), because there are children involved.  It's just sad   I can picture watching the movie with them, while in the background wishing that you were all together happily-- her and her children there, too.  Your family.

The current situation could go on for eons.  It doesn't sound like anyone's really happy or content with it.  Something's gotta give.

Texted her and asked about 15 minutes ago.  No response.  Her loss.  Not mine.     oh well

Everyone loses when needs aren't being met

Is this how you want to live your life?  "texting" your wife about getting together as a family?

Staying for the sake of staying, isn't the same as staying because there's real desire from both sides to better the current situation, to progress toward a healthier future... .

BPD-relationship or not, our needs matter!  Your children's needs matter!  Placating the disorder is walking on eggshells.  To move forward toward a fulfilling life it's so important to get in touch with just what it is that we value.  And sometimes our values don't match those of others the way we had hoped.  They're still "our" values.

What are her actions telling you?  How do they fit in with your values?





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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2015, 09:22:21 AM »

 

Are the kids in contact with each other.  I don't remember ages. 

Hang in there Maroon.  Nothing wrong with occasionally reaching out

Maybe lets look at this from another point of view.

What does this look like from your kids point of view?  Do they see you making healthy choices... ? 

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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2015, 09:24:46 AM »

 

Quick tactics comment: 

I think you had a good response for when she declared that she wasn't paying things... .

I think a better... .or best response would have been... ."I'm sorry you have decided this... .or I'm sorry you feel that way... ."

She really was expressing a decision more than a feeling... .if I understand correctly.

Thoughts?
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2015, 10:57:07 AM »

Hi MaroonLiquid,

Has your wife responded to your text?

Your situation seems more troublesome (to me), because there are children involved.  It's just sad   I can picture watching the movie with them, while in the background wishing that you were all together happily-- her and her children there, too.  Your family.

The current situation could go on for eons.  It doesn't sound like anyone's really happy or content with it.  Something's gotta give.

Texted her and asked about 15 minutes ago.  No response.  Her loss.  Not mine.     oh well

Everyone loses when needs aren't being met

Is this how you want to live your life?  "texting" your wife about getting together as a family?

Staying for the sake of staying, isn't the same as staying because there's real desire from both sides to better the current situation, to progress toward a healthier future... .

BPD-relationship or not, our needs matter!  Your children's needs matter!  Placating the disorder is walking on eggshells.  To move forward toward a fulfilling life it's so important to get in touch with just what it is that we value.  And sometimes our values don't match those of others the way we had hoped.  They're still "our" values.

What are her actions telling you?  How do they fit in with your values?



No, unfortunately she hasn't responded.  It really doesn't bother me like it used to.  Honestly, I am tired of the BPD games and control.  Life is too short.  It does make me sad that her illness caused her to make these decisions that affect lives.  She loves her children and yet alienates them from someone who wants to be their father who loves them.  I can't imagine how that is justified in her mind, illness or not. 

Are the kids in contact with each other.  I don't remember ages. 

Hang in there Maroon.  Nothing wrong with occasionally reaching out

Maybe lets look at this from another point of view.

What does this look like from your kids point of view?  Do they see you making healthy choices... ? 

Yes, I believe they all do.  I don't know how her kids take it that for a couple of weeks I'm there and then I'm not for however long she decides to not talk to me.  When I'm around in very loving toward them and they are to me.  I've been very calm and steady and know they see that.  The kids have limited contact when she goes with the silent treatment and I believe that is more her than them.

Quick tactics comment: 

I think you had a good response for when she declared that she wasn't paying things... .

I think a better... .or best response would have been... ."I'm sorry you have decided this... .or I'm sorry you feel that way... ."

She really was expressing a decision more than a feeling... .if I understand correctly.

Thoughts?

I agree with those responses that they would have been better.  I admit she got me frustrated because I felt like I was being used again. 

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« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2015, 11:21:13 AM »

Maroon Liquid.

So sorry you're going through the silent treatment.  It's a cruel, cruel game to play. Unfortunately they feel fully justified in their minds as punishment for perceived sins. But please remember it's no fault of yours. It's the disordered behaviour of a delusional mind.

Hang in there! I know it's the most difficult thing in the world, because it's my W's punishment of choice these days too. Perhaps you can see it as an opportunity to look after yourself.   
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« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2015, 11:31:05 AM »

Hello MaroonLiquid,

I'm sorry that your situation with your wife is the same even though I can hear that you feel differently about how to handle things. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I just want to say that phoebe's post resonated emotionally with me as a parent and I'm not sure you heard her. She is making a very valid and telling observation when she says "staying for the sake of saying is not the same as staying because you both have desires to make things better... ."

I wonder too the emotional impact this is having on your children the longer it continues, I know for sure the emotional fall out for my s6. I hold myself responsible for this because I prioritised my h needs and demands and chaos over my sons for too long. I had the best of intentions, but when you have children they have to come first. Especially if there is a protracted time of disharmony and dysfunction as there was for my family.

Do you have any thoughts of how you see this continuing or how you feel for you all as a family if this does carry on this way ? Are there things you could change that might improve things for you all, not just things between you and your wife ?'
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2015, 12:18:14 PM »

My wife responded a few minutes ago and said she was available till about 6.  I told her we could stop by after we leave this party if that worked for her.  We'll see what happens.
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Moselle
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« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2015, 12:42:55 PM »

My wife responded a few minutes ago and said she was available till about 6.  I told her we could stop by after we leave this party if that worked for her.  We'll see what happens.

Glad the silence is broken.  Well done for hanging in there.
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« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2015, 01:34:42 PM »

Thanks.  I'm handling it much better than I used to.  We are making plans as we speak to get together this afternoon. 
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2015, 06:26:34 PM »

So we met and took the kids to an indoor trampoline park.  It was a good time.  After, we went to get a small bite to eat.  The kids played and we sat and talked about stuff dealing with the kids.  She mentioned (again) getting our oldest son involved in a "mentoring program" at their church.  I think she sometimes says that to hurt me.  I never let her know I think about that or that it may or may not bother me.  Why would you rather have a stranger be a "father" to your kids than your husband.  Whatever, moving on.  Anyway, near the end of it, she started to dysregulate/pick a fight and I dodged it.  She asked me about registering for classes this semester and I told her that I was going to do a late start this semester because of finances.  She responded, "Well you got the money back from my Christmas gift so that should pay for it.  I didn't respond or acknowledge her comment and went on.  When that didn't work, her tactic changed to telling me that our daughter was going to play softball for a different league (I have coached all three of my daughters on the same team) this season and very calmly I said, "I'm really sorry to hear that.  She's my daughter and would love to have her on my team.  I don't have to notify the league of my "freezes" until the 24th, so if you change your mind let me know."  The funny thing is, we asked our daughter if she wanted to play on my team over Christmas and she made it clear she did, so I believe my wife was trying to set me off, lie, or make me beg but it didn't work.  About that time, the kids came back in and my son sat in her lap and she loved on my kids.  When we left, she gave me a "side hug" (effing ridiculous)   , told her I loved her (no response then but she did tell me she loved me when we were at the trampoline park) and we parted ways.  I figured that her problem this week was regarding the gift she wouldn't accept (because of our "situation", but accepted the cheaper one) and that I didn't give her that money toward the washer and dryer.  this whole week I was given the silent treatment for that "sin" is what I figure.  Another no win situation there.  But I did dodge the dysregulation and I'm glad about that.  One thing I'm getting tired of is when she talks about her future when she has given me the silent treatment doesn't include me, but yet when we spent the last three weeks together we talk about a future.  I get tired of that and it makes me upset.  I just have to let it go and know that is her struggle. 
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Moselle
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« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2015, 06:45:44 PM »

Well done. Excellent work. I liked the way you handled the softball question.

I've noticed that when I'm alone with my W, it goes much better.  It's almost like the children are competition for my attention. She acts like one of them.  
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« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2015, 07:58:49 PM »

 

Well done... .I'm glad you were able to get together.

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« Reply #18 on: January 10, 2015, 08:08:30 PM »

Well done. Excellent work. I liked the way you handled the softball question.

I've noticed that when I'm alone with my W, it goes much better.  It's almost like the children are competition for my attention. She acts like one of them.  

Thank you.  I know what you mean. When my wife and I are alone she is sweet, loving and seems to be sincere.  But when we are all together at times, it's like she tries to be combative.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  It's almost like she is trying to set me up to the kids and say, "See, I told you he's the crazy one."  But since I don't bite and stay calm, it's almost like she gets mad that I don't and therefore has to realize I'm not that guy.

Well done... .I'm glad you were able to get together.

Thanks FF.  it was 99.9% fun.  .1% was dodging and that can be frustrating.  It's not so much anymore as I tend to see it for what it is.
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« Reply #19 on: January 10, 2015, 11:40:46 PM »

Fun, Yes.

Relaxing, No.

You were always on guard for the provocation or dysregulation. That was more than .1% I'm afraid.

Great job!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Moselle
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« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2015, 02:25:28 AM »

But since I don't bite and stay calm, it's almost like she gets mad that I don't and therefore has to realize I'm not that guy.

I love this.  Don't give her what she wants Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

This takes real strength of character
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« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2015, 07:15:53 AM »

  .1% was dodging and that can be frustrating.  

Maroon,

This is a pretty fine point... but I'll toss it out there.  I'm a "language" or "words" guy... .so I get into making these kind of points... .I realize many don't... .

Also... from my piloting background... .I think a lot about "energy management"... .  ":)ealing with" pwBPD takes lots of energy... .so... .anytime I see the chance to save up some energy... .and apply it to something else... I think that is wise.

Many "nons" on these boards complain of being "worn out... "  "tired... .

Anyway... .on to my point...

I think "dodging" involves expending too much energy.  To me... .the imagery of that word is that the "shot" she takes completely misses you... .I see a lot of movement on your part... .and a lot of expending energy to get that done.

I like the word "deflecting"... .when I'm in a feisty mood... .I like the imagery of wonder woman deflecting bullets with her wrist bands.  Hey... .that show was on at a very formative time in my life... .   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Most of the time I use the imagery in my head of a tank... .I'm in the tank and I'm driving towards a healthy r/s and healthy choices in my life.  I've used the tools here to get extra armor so her "shots" deflect off and don't penetrate.

If you have never seen movies or videos of tank battles... .this may be hard to imagine... .but the shot ricochets off into never never land.  If one penetrates... .that's no good.  Usually everyone inside dies. 

That's why good armor is important... .

Maybe... to tie this in with the lessons on here... .the tank has an ejection seat.  That is used when boundary enforcement is needed.  The non is the only person that can pull the ejection handle... .

Thoughts... .?



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« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2015, 11:06:13 AM »

If one penetrates... .that's no good. Usually everyone inside dies.

I like the imagery here. We didn't choose a war, but the missiles are guaranteed, so we better beef up the armour.

I'm learning to be patient with myself if she gets through. I can retreat, regroup and come again tomorrow. Wiser.

I'm curious about your feisty mood. I call it warrior mode, and she knows to stay away, because I'm on form and she won't get much past me. I don't normally engage it, but it happens naturally as a response to scud attack. I'm very self aware in that mode and very lucid and in control of my thoughts and actions. I'd like to be there more, because it is a very assertive (not necessarily aggressive) place. Often I find myself lost in the FOG instead,and disoriented.

Energy management. I like that too

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« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2015, 12:40:32 PM »

  .1% was dodging and that can be frustrating.  

Maroon,

This is a pretty fine point... but I'll toss it out there.  I'm a "language" or "words" guy... .so I get into making these kind of points... .I realize many don't... .

Also... from my piloting background... .I think a lot about "energy management"... .  ":)ealing with" pwBPD takes lots of energy... .so... .anytime I see the chance to save up some energy... .and apply it to something else... I think that is wise.

Many "nons" on these boards complain of being "worn out... "  "tired... .

Anyway... .on to my point...

I think "dodging" involves expending too much energy.  To me... .the imagery of that word is that the "shot" she takes completely misses you... .I see a lot of movement on your part... .and a lot of expending energy to get that done.

I like the word "deflecting"... .when I'm in a feisty mood... .I like the imagery of wonder woman deflecting bullets with her wrist bands.  Hey... .that show was on at a very formative time in my life... .   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Most of the time I use the imagery in my head of a tank... .I'm in the tank and I'm driving towards a healthy r/s and healthy choices in my life.  I've used the tools here to get extra armor so her "shots" deflect off and don't penetrate.

If you have never seen movies or videos of tank battles... .this may be hard to imagine... .but the shot ricochets off into never never land.  If one penetrates... .that's no good.  Usually everyone inside dies. 

That's why good armor is important... .

Maybe... to tie this in with the lessons on here... .the tank has an ejection seat.  That is used when boundary enforcement is needed.  The non is the only person that can pull the ejection handle... .

Thoughts... .?


That's good.  The Wonder Woman thing struck a chord with me also.  I see myself as Neo from The Matrix dodging the bullets.   Smiling (click to insert in post).  Anyway, I texted my wife last night and told her we had a great time, thanks for meeting us and I loved her.  No response so I guess the silent treatment is on again.  Oh well.  She must be really pissed that I didnt give her the money for that bracelet she wouldn't accept.  No-win with that one.
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« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2015, 03:00:19 PM »

She must be really pissed that I didnt give her the money for that bracelet she wouldn't accept.  No-win with that one.

She can stop you from 'winning.'

However you get to choose whether to play that game or not. If you play by her rules, you lose.

"If you let her pull the fight down to her level, she will fight you there... .and beat you with experience!"

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Keep on making the right choice!
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« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2015, 03:20:18 PM »

She must be really pissed that I didnt give her the money for that bracelet she wouldn't accept.  No-win with that one.

She can stop you from 'winning.'

However you get to choose whether to play that game or not. If you play by her rules, you lose.

"If you let her pull the fight down to her level, she will fight you there... .and beat you with experience!"

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Keep on making the right choice!

I do agree with you that she is "making me pay" for not giving in to her.  I am not playing her game and she doesn't like that.  She also doesn't like that I won't let her pull me down to that level.  I will keep on making the right choice.  I don't get how they can feel good about acting this way and I know deep down they don't they just don't know a better way of coping.  I appreciate all the support on here.
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« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2015, 05:05:37 PM »

  I see myself as Neo from The Matrix dodging the bullets.  

Love it... .and actually... .a very good example.

Once Neo realized that he could control the matrix... .that it responded to him... .he had power.

You have power... .you understand the matrix... . 

You also need to realize situations where you need to get out... .(I'm a bit fuzzy on remember how they "got out"... but remember that was a big deal.  That is boundary enforcement... .just "get out"... .and come back later
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« Reply #27 on: January 11, 2015, 08:13:18 PM »

  I see myself as Neo from The Matrix dodging the bullets.  

Love it... .and actually... .a very good example.

Once Neo realized that he could control the matrix... .that it responded to him... .he had power.

You have power... .you understand the matrix... . 

You also need to realize situations where you need to get out... .(I'm a bit fuzzy on remember how they "got out"... but remember that was a big deal.  That is boundary enforcement... .just "get out"... .and come back later

Isn't getting out what I've been doing?  I think what she's doing the last week or so is another "tantrum" (can't think of the name) to get me to do what she wants. I just can't reinforce it this time.
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« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2015, 09:22:56 PM »

 

I think you were thinking about "extinction burst"... .where they try again to get you to conform to their old ways
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MaroonLiquid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2015, 09:56:44 PM »

I think you were thinking about "extinction burst"... .where they try again to get you to conform to their old ways

That's exactly what I was thinking about.  I can't give in this time.  I am struggling and missing my wife tonight though.
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