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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2015, 10:11:28 PM »

I think you were thinking about "extinction burst"... .where they try again to get you to conform to their old ways

That's exactly what I was thinking about.  I can't give in this time.

I think you already had the worst part of an extinction burst a round or two ago... .and you are correct.

If you give in this time, you're giving her intermittent reinforcement. Which will encourage her too much more!
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2015, 10:42:36 PM »

I agree totally GK. 
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Moselle
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« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2015, 10:57:53 PM »

I just can't reinforce it this time.

Well done. Keep it up.

Once we understand the matrix. Do we have a responsibility to help the matrix understand itself, or is that the matrix's business? And we are best holding the advantage  to ourselves?
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« Reply #33 on: January 12, 2015, 10:55:15 AM »

I just thought of something else at lunch the other day that may have caused my wife to start to "change" that day and Moselle said something that stuck with me.  I do think there is the exinction burst element in this but also I think there was another trigger possibly from something that happened. 

I've noticed that when I'm alone with my W, it goes much better.  It's almost like the children are competition for my attention. She acts like one of them. 

     My son asked her to come back to "our house" (my apartment) after they jumped.  It was weird that she agreed so quick and found that very strange considering I've lived here six months and she still hasn't stepped foot in my apartment.  To say that my ears perked up when she told him yes so quick and easily was an understatement.  Almost a "what the hell are you up to" thought by me.  Is that wrong considering the last few months?   Smiling (click to insert in post)  I asked if she was hungry and she said they already ate, but then when we got in our vehicles to leave, she said our daughter was hungry so could we stop.  I said sure.  Part of that I believe she knew she had to pick up our oldest daughter from a friends house close by, but I also think it was a stall tactic.  We were there about an hour and a half.  I believe she was looking for a reason to not come over and "created" the dysregulation to do it.  My son asked her again if she was coming and this time she said "no and that she had to pick up our other daughter and then our son from work so it wasn't going to work out this time."  He was obviously upset and I told him, "It's ok buddy.  We can do it another time."  She asked what we were doing tomorrow (yesterday) and I told her other than church, nothing.  She said maybe we can do something after that, but that didn't happen (didn't call or text about getting together).  I figured she would offer for us to come over to remain on "her turf".  That's the first time I think ever she has let him down.  They have always been close and he adores her and she has always adored him.  I know she still does.  Sorry, not trying to over analyze, but thought of this this morning on the way to work.  I guess I'm trying to figure out why she met us in the first place if she was still dysregulated... .Guess I won't know that... .

Thoughts?

The last few minutes, I feel down and almost hopeless.  I'm changing myself and feel stronger than I ever did, but know I still have a ways to go.  It just seems like when we both come to an agreement to make counseling appointments like we did two weeks ago, we end up here at the "silent treatment" stage.  When we are communicating in a loving manner, we agree that counseling is the next step and she always says that she is trying to be different, "let more things go" and work on us.  I do believe her, but then the dysregulation when she doesn't get her way.  Sometimes I just want to say, "Either make a T appointment or we're through."  This is one of those days I feel used.  I can't tell if she was more mad for me taking one of her presents back and not giving her the money, or if she is just mad I took it back period.  I hate not knowing.  I hate that everything is still "in her court" so to speak and it seems she has no desire to change it (I'm talking about the relationship aspect).  Or maybe she does and doesn't know how to/scared to because this is the only way she knows how to deal.  Sorry, just venting.
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« Reply #34 on: January 12, 2015, 12:47:19 PM »

I can't tell if she was more mad for me taking one of her presents back and not giving her the money, or if she is just mad I took it back period.  I hate not knowing.  I hate that everything is still "in her court" so to speak and it seems she has no desire to change it (I'm talking about the relationship aspect).  Or maybe she does and doesn't know how to/scared to because this is the only way she knows how to deal.  Sorry, just venting.

The money from the bracelet that you took back... .

Would it have paid for the Washer & Dryer?

The thing that seems to be her "sticking point" with you these days?

Just curious, here, and wondering if it could have anything to do with anything.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #35 on: January 12, 2015, 01:05:49 PM »

I can't tell if she was more mad for me taking one of her presents back and not giving her the money, or if she is just mad I took it back period.  I hate not knowing.  I hate that everything is still "in her court" so to speak and it seems she has no desire to change it (I'm talking about the relationship aspect).  Or maybe she does and doesn't know how to/scared to because this is the only way she knows how to deal.  Sorry, just venting.

The money from the bracelet that you took back... .

Would it have paid for the Washer & Dryer?

The thing that seems to be her "sticking point" with you these days?

Just curious, here, and wondering if it could have anything to do with anything.

No, it would have still been $800 short.  Just another "temper tantrum" extinction burst for not getting her way IMHO... .But I could be wrong... .And if it was so important for her to pay off the washer and dryer, why did she buy me a Christmas gift?
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« Reply #36 on: January 12, 2015, 03:07:10 PM »

Logic says if there's no money, go easy on the gifts. Give smaller, less expensive gifts. My wife's BPD says:  Christmas is one of two days I feel loved. (The other being her birthday). I may be dead in January, let me give and receive as many gifts as I possible so I can feel good for one day. Borrow money if we have to.

Doesn't make much sense to me when when we're short of cash, but it sure makes sense to her.  Point is this.  They see the world very very differently and nothing we do or say can change the way they see things.  If it wasn't the bracelet, washer and drier,  it would have been the tiles in the bathroom,  the dogs, and the stove.  

Any thing will do, when they want to play victim.

I'm learning my W's triggers are:

Money

Intimacy

Anything about me, appearance,  the way I eat, walk, smile

'Analysis' of anything

Stress

Marriage counselling

deadlines

a change in plans

My point is (as much to myself as anybody else) . I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't change it. Get off her back, get out of her way, get on with my life. I can reasonably avoid these triggers, but beyond that she will behave the way she behaves and there is nothing I can do about it beyond validating her and looking afer myself.
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« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2015, 03:13:44 PM »

Logic says if there's no money, go easy on the gifts. Give smaller, less expensive gifts. My wife's BPD says:  Christmas is one of two days I feel loved. (The other being her birthday). I may be dead in January, let me give and receive as many gifts as I possible so I can feel good for one day. Borrow money if we have to.

Doesn't make much sense to me when when we're short of cash, but it sure makes sense to her.  Point is this.  They see the world very very differently and nothing we do or say can change the way they see things.  If it wasn't the bracelet, washer and drier,  it would have been the tiles in the bathroom,  the dogs, and the stove.  

Any thing will do, when they want to play victim.

I'm learning my W's triggers are:

Money

Intimacy

Anything about me, appearance,  the way I eat, walk, smile

'Analysis' of anything

Stress

Marriage counselling

deadlines

a change in plans

My point is (as much to myself as anybody else) . I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't change it. Get off her back, get out of her way, get on with my life. I can reasonably avoid these triggers, but beyond that she will behave the way she behaves and there is nothing I can do about it beyond validating her and looking afer myself.

The way I look at it, if it was so important to pay off the washer and dryer ($1100 dollars), it's not like she had a car note the last 6 months ($2400 dollars total that I paid just for her car note) and taken three vacations in that time so she could have easily paid it.  She makes more than I do by a few hundred dollars a month, and I pay $1400 dollars a month in child support  to my ex (her ex doesn't give her child support and owes her over 40 grand in back child support.  Child support has always been a thorn in her side.  She has always had trouble that I pay and her husband doesn't) and I still paid those things.  She didn't want to and wanted/expected/hoped for me to at the last minute putting me in a now-win... .And when I wouldn't and brought up those other things she did with her money, well you know what logic/truth does to a person with BPD... .That's why going forward, I am sticking to what I told her and won't pay her car note any longer.
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« Reply #38 on: January 13, 2015, 08:55:19 AM »

     The last few days I have been dealing with some issues within myself that need to be addressed that I believe are contributing to her "cycles" (push/pull) we can't seem to shake.  Yes, I know that it is part of what she struggles with, but I am realizing since this whole washer and dryer thing, that a major reason we can't move past this part of it is... .***DRUMROLL PLEASE***... .ME... .my boundary lines haven't been firm enough, have moved over certain issues and I have allowed it.  My wife said a few things in our last "warm" (a tad heated, no screaming) discussion before the latest bout of silent treatment began about a week and a half ago that caught me.  She knows I have a good heart, loving and would do anything for her, and I would.  She has told me so.  She has also made the statement (about 2 months ago) that I care more about our marriage than I do myself.  Actually, she may be right and that is part of the problem.  I do believe that as a husband, you put your wife before yourself.  I won't debate that in a normal instance, but that doesn't mean you allow them to abuse you.  I have to show strength and look out for myself because she isn't looking out for me.

    First thing she said was, "I'm trying to recoup some of my losses from our marriage".  Now, I know this is pretty much projection and I get that.  She is projecting what her ex husband did to her completely on to me.  But what she is trying to do with this statement is get me to back down by saying, you are right.  I won't.  She is also using anything she can to not have to be responsible.  She can't afford her life, (as it stands currently) and we both know it.  The funny thing is she always says I can't make it without her, yet the three weeks over Christmas, I was buying groceries for her and the kids because she was broke.  The crazy thing is is that without a car note and even without medical insurance (because I felt keeping her on was the right thing), she is always broke.  She has been saving over $1000 dollars a month (during our split the last 6 months with no car note and no insurance) and still can't make it.  Yes, having three teenagers can be expensive, especially with what schools require parents to come up with now days for laptops and other stuff, but there is no reason she should ever be broke.  She spends money like crazy when she dysregulates to try and make herself fell better or smooth things over with the kids after a dysregulation to keep them "quiet and controlled".  She isn't trying to "recoup" anything, she is trying to survive.  I get that deep down fear of hers and it is real.  Her mom told her that she couldn't make it without her.  Her FOO is a big part of her underlying issues, but her mom was partly right.  She can't make it without her or me.  That's why she painted her mom black, because she told the truth, and that is why she gave me the silent treatment, because I told the truth.  She can't handle the truth.  Insert a picture of Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men" here.   Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

    Second statement was, "I can recover from a repossession quicker than you can".   This is a scare tactic to put fear in me that she won't pay it.  I'm not afraid anymore.  She needs to know I'm serious.  She need to know when I say I'm going to do something, I do it.  She neds that, but more importantly, I need that.  She also needs to know that this isn't okay with me anymore.  I'm not abandoning her, but making her responsible for her choices.  Her choice was to separate without working through her/our issues, and without logic.  I won't pay for those choices any longer.  

    One more thing that I have been "chewing" on is what she told me regarding why she can't unblock me on facebook and show us as married.  She said, "She doesn't want to have to tell people that "think" she is going one way why she is going another."  I'm glad that what they think is more important than what I think.  Again, that comes from fear.  Fear of what she may have told them, fear of what it makes her look like, and fear of what they might say.  That is hers to struggle with.

    I realize her whole life is a big ball of fear that she can't control.  I feel sorry for her.  But she has choice to live this way or get help.  She is choosing the hard way.  I believe that by showing strength in this instance, this will help break some of this unhealthy cycle, help me and help our r/s.  When we were spending time together, she told me that she was really glad I was there for her through her surgery, really appreciated me for taking care of everything during those few weeks and that I am a good man (even told me that the day we argued about the washer and dryer).  It breaks my heart that due to fear, she can't see that in the silent treatment times.  Or maybe she does, but still only knows one way of surviving and that's through the very thing she can't control, fear.  Last night, I did something that was difficult to do and said  wouldn't do.  I took off my wedding ring.  Not because I don't feel married in my spirit, not because I don't want to be, but because right now in this time, I have to think of myself first.  I love her deeply and wholly.  That hasn't and won't change.  SHe is an amazing person, and up until the last 6 months, 98% of the time and amazing, caring and beautiful person and wife.  I won't change anything about my Facebook page pictures, marriage status or anything like that even though she has.  I need to know who I am without that so that I can be a better man.  Sorry this is long, just going through some self examination and thought I would share.

   
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #39 on: January 13, 2015, 09:18:59 AM »

I think you've got some good insight into your situation. Not that it makes the situation any easier to deal with.

I'm struck with something that you and I share, contrasted to Cole's description in my prior topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240363.msg12558153#msg12558153

For his wife, physical separation (moving out) is a new step, with obvious consequences.

For us, that step has already occurred.

It is probably because I'm in some of the FOG myself... .but it seems that this makes the reality of what will be given up with the end of our marriage less clear / less of a threat / less useful to us to point out to our respective wives.

I think the harder truth is that I've got myself in a separated situation, but am still giving my wife many of the benefits of being in a relationship with me... .and not feeling like I'm getting the benefits I want from being in a r/s with her.

Hang in there, and keep asking yourself the tough questions!
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« Reply #40 on: January 13, 2015, 09:25:04 AM »

I think you've got some good insight into your situation. Not that it makes the situation any easier to deal with.

I'm struck with something that you and I share, contrasted to Cole's description in my prior topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240363.msg12558153#msg12558153

For his wife, physical separation (moving out) is a new step, with obvious consequences.

For us, that step has already occurred.

It is probably because I'm in some of the FOG myself... .but it seems that this makes the reality of what will be given up with the end of our marriage less clear / less of a threat / less useful to us to point out to our respective wives.

I think the harder truth is that I've got myself in a separated situation, but am still giving my wife many of the benefits of being in a relationship with me... .and not feeling like I'm getting the benefits I want from being in a r/s with her.

Hang in there, and keep asking yourself the tough questions!

That is what I have felt like for a few months now.  I have said my wife is getting all of the benefits of a marriage without any of the responsibility of fixing our r/s.  She has no reason to change anything because everything is the way she is "comfortable" with right now.  To make things change, I have to make her uncomfortable.  Not abandoned or shoved aside, just responsible for herself and the choices she has made.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #41 on: January 13, 2015, 09:43:44 AM »

That is what I have felt like for a few months now.  I have said my wife is getting all of the benefits of a marriage without any of the responsibility of fixing our r/s.  She has no reason to change anything because everything is the way she is "comfortable" with right now.  To make things change, I have to make her uncomfortable.  Not abandoned or shoved aside, just responsible for herself and the choices she has made.

I think a better way to say it is to stop rescuing her from feeling uncomfortable as a result of her own choices.

The toughest part is that her 'discomfort' will be shared with her kids.

I'm thinking about where you are going... .and I've got a thought experiment for you:

I'm imagining the  Idea lightbulb going on in her head. I'm imagining her deciding that she really can't afford to live on her own w/o your financial contributions to her household. I'm imagining her choosing to move back in with you, or invite you to move back in with her.

Most importantly, I'm imagining her doing this without making ANY other changes.

How would this work out for you?
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« Reply #42 on: January 13, 2015, 10:25:43 AM »

I think a better way to say it is to stop rescuing her from feeling uncomfortable as a result of her own choices.

yeah, I knew after I typed it that wasn't the way I meant it.

The toughest part is that her 'discomfort' will be shared with her kids.

Do you mean from a standpoint of that is less money she will have to spend on them or she will blame me/make me look like the bad guy or both?

I'm thinking about where you are going... .and I've got a thought experiment for you:

I'm imagining the  Idea lightbulb going on in her head. I'm imagining her deciding that she really can't afford to live on her own w/o your financial contributions to her household. I'm imagining her choosing to move back in with you, or invite you to move back in with her.

Most importantly, I'm imagining her doing this without making ANY other changes.

How would this work out for you?

Funny you should ask.  I have already thought about this several times.  Here is my answer.  

    1.  I just signed another 6 month lease and she knows about it because I told her about it 2 weeks ago.

    2.  Can't think about it without us/her in counseling for a little while.

    3.  I would not move in the house she is in now because of what it represents to me and the fact that it would never be seen as my house, even if my name was on the lease.  It would always be seen as hers and the kids.  There would never be the respect factor there.

   

Does that answer your question?
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« Reply #43 on: January 13, 2015, 10:34:52 AM »

because I told her about it 2 weeks ago.

    

Why does she need to know this information?  Did she ask... or did you volunteer it?
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« Reply #44 on: January 13, 2015, 11:06:38 AM »

because I told her about it 2 weeks ago.

    

Why does she need to know this information?  Did she ask... or did you volunteer it?

Let me think.  We were talking two weeks ago about seriously getting into counseling, getting our r/s back on track and eventually moving back in together once my next lease was up.  Hers isn't up until August.  Why?
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« Reply #45 on: January 13, 2015, 11:26:27 AM »

Maroon, I like half of your answer.

The logistical stuff about your place vs. her place, vs. 'our' place makes sense.

Imagine that both your leases are up, and the two of you are going to move in together in August or September.

You mention therapy. I do consider therapy useful (and will be starting tomorrow!)... .but it isn't a fix, in and of itself. Therapy is a tool to help work through the issues in your marriage, your issues, and her issues.

Can you be specific on WHAT you need her to address/change in therapy? First, her actions, second, what she says. (What she is thinking/feeling won't help you here.)
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« Reply #46 on: January 13, 2015, 11:31:19 AM »

  Why?

It is putting information in her head... .that she can ruminate about.

If you wanted to give her that information as part of a strategy... .then the presentation of the information matters... .but she could still ruminate about it... .

(her mind) "if he really loved me... .he would ask to move in with me... ."  or other such blather... .

Realize it doesn't matter that she left and all that... .in her mind she could create something like that
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« Reply #47 on: January 13, 2015, 12:28:33 PM »

  Why?

It is putting information in her head... .that she can ruminate about.

If you wanted to give her that information as part of a strategy... .then the presentation of the information matters... .but she could still ruminate about it... .

(her mind) "if he really loved me... .he would ask to move in with me... ."  or other such blather... .

Realize it doesn't matter that she left and all that... .in her mind she could create something like that

Can't worry about that now.  I understand what you are saying, but I am not responsible for how she feels about that.  I'm at the point where I need to do what is best for me and our r/s.
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« Reply #48 on: January 13, 2015, 12:44:40 PM »

Hang in there Maroon Liquid. The way will open up for you. It'll get better!
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« Reply #49 on: January 13, 2015, 01:57:41 PM »

Maroon, I like half of your answer.

The logistical stuff about your place vs. her place, vs. 'our' place makes sense.

Imagine that both your leases are up, and the two of you are going to move in together in August or September.

You mention therapy. I do consider therapy useful (and will be starting tomorrow!)... .but it isn't a fix, in and of itself. Therapy is a tool to help work through the issues in your marriage, your issues, and her issues.

Can you be specific on WHAT you need her to address/change in therapy? First, her actions, second, what she says. (What she is thinking/feeling won't help you here.)

Changes she needs to make... .

1. Be honest with herself, her family, me and her kids about her abuse.  I don't want it swept under the rug

   anymore (to me, this is HUGE and it will be hard for anything to get resolved until this happens).

2. Her anger and physical/verbal abuse/attacks towards me and the kids.  

3. Her lying to the kids and telling them I didn't offer to help them move even though I really didn't have to.  This

   created hard feelings with them.  Also apologizing to my children about threatening to call the poice on me for

    no reason in front of them.

4. Asking me to leave everytime we have a disagreement (even before the separation).

5. Stop the silent treatments.

6. Projecting on to me what her ex husband does (deadbeat and used her therefore I use her  ) and the

   dificulty it brings her and the kids.  

7. When I need to speak with her about something in another room to keep the kids out of it, she says, "Why do

   you summon me to the "principal's office?"

8. Stop alienating the kids from me when she gets angry.  

9. Says she wants to "compromise", but it is never a compromise.  She isn't happy unless it is her way.

10. When I try and discipline the children, she accuses me of being "too hard" on them.

11. Stop enabling her children and their behavior.
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« Reply #50 on: January 13, 2015, 02:52:37 PM »

Maroon, THAT is exactly the sort of list I was thinking about. Dealing with THAT stuff is what getting into therapy is about.

Another way to look at the list is a much simpler version:

1. Acknowledge that she has behaved abusively toward you (and kids)

2. Stop behaving abusively toward you (and kids)

Pretty much all of those things, including parental alienation (#3,#8) fit into this  #2

#10/#11 about disciplining the children do seem separate... .but if you can negotiate things with her, without her resorting to abusive behavior, discipline might be easy to negotiate.
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« Reply #51 on: January 13, 2015, 03:05:22 PM »

Maroon, THAT is exactly the sort of list I was thinking about. Dealing with THAT stuff is what getting into therapy is about.

Another way to look at the list is a much simpler version:

1. Acknowledge that she has behaved abusively toward you (and kids)

2. Stop behaving abusively toward you (and kids)

Pretty much all of those things, including parental alienation (#3,#8) fit into this  #2

#10/#11 about disciplining the children do seem separate... .but if you can negotiate things with her, without her resorting to abusive behavior, discipline might be easy to negotiate.

This would be great.  About the time where we get to make the appointment or close to it, it's "silence" time... .  That is the cycle I'm trying to break with us right now... .
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« Reply #52 on: January 13, 2015, 09:01:59 PM »

Maroon, THAT is exactly the sort of list I was thinking about. Dealing with THAT stuff is what getting into therapy is about.

Another way to look at the list is a much simpler version:

1. Acknowledge that she has behaved abusively toward you (and kids)

2. Stop behaving abusively toward you (and kids)

Pretty much all of those things, including parental alienation (#3,#8) fit into this  #2

#10/#11 about disciplining the children do seem separate... .but if you can negotiate things with her, without her resorting to abusive behavior, discipline might be easy to negotiate.

This would be great.  About the time where we get to make the appointment or close to it, it's "silence" time... .  That is the cycle I'm trying to break with us right now... .

Are you talking about a couples T appointment? If so, have you ever done that with her before?

Couples T often goes badly with a pwBPD, and there are many stories of that on the boards, and probably a topic in the Lessons, 'tho I don't remember. Typically it goes one of two ways:

1. pwBPD snows the T, and the T believes that you are the problem. (No good results)

2. T is onto pwBPD, calls pwBPD on bad behavior. pwBPD paints T black, and refuses to go anymore.

I'm doing it with my wife... .but she is higher functioning and more self-aware than most of the pwBPD. Perhaps the exception that proves the rule. And in addition, my wife just mentioned getting individual T with another T. (There was a maybe buried in there; I didn't dig into it.) I told her that I was glad she was taking care of herself, and that it was her business, and I'm interested in whatever she wants to share with me.
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« Reply #53 on: January 14, 2015, 07:13:51 AM »

  her abuse. 

I might define the abuse... .as in describe the behavior.  I would stay away from using the word abuse... .let a counselor "define it"

However... .as you have seen in GKs other post and many others on here... .having a counselor "define it"... .as abuse can lead to painting black and refusal to go back.

I had that experience with one of the many I have been to.

My wife was on a tear in the MC office... .went for about 5 minutes straight... .I lost count of the issues as the clicked over 10... .she was going to the moon.

At some point it became my turn... .before I finished my thought... .maybe 30 seconds of speaking... .she interrupts... mentions me being "abusive".  I ask for help having my turn... .and complain about the "abusive" label... .wife claims she didn't use that lable (less than a minute after she used it)

Wife goes on rant about how I never shut up... she can't get a word in edgewise... blah blah blah... .

Counselor steps in... ."ff wife (calls name)... .you spoke for 5 minutes straight... .ff talked for 30 seconds.  I have a watch... .I was watching it.  You did use the term abuse... .I clearly heard you... ."

That's as close to word for word as I can remember... .I think you get the scene.  What happened next changed my life for the better.

My wife gets up and stomps around the room.  Accused the MC T of being on my side... .it's always his way... .this is a set up... .I'm not going to put up with this... blah blah... .

Then... .in a moment of high drama... .she jerks open the door... .while standing in the door wags her finger at me and the counselor... .declares it's over and she is NEVER coming back.  Door slam.

It was quiet in the room for a minute or two.  I spoke first.  "So... what am I dealing with here... .?" 

MC T draws deep breath... .does some lawyer speak about it not being a diagnosis... that she hasn't seen enough... .she stuck with the word traits.  She wrote down the walking on eggshells book.  Told me to read it.  We finished our time.  I got the book... .my eyes were opened... .I found BPD family... .and was able to start turning around the dysfunctional dynamic in my family.

Interesting note:  My wife now claims we stopped going to that MC because it was too long of a drive... . 

Current MC focuses on empathy and understanding each others emotions... how do we feel about things.

Actually has been very effective... .while I'm not "happy" with the level of communication... .it is much better than it was.

Sorry for the long story... .but wanted to give Maroon and others an idea of what can happen with MC goes south... .

My advice is to keep trying...

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« Reply #54 on: January 14, 2015, 07:34:03 AM »

I understand what y'all are saying.  I picked this counselor several months ago and made the appointment for us and she "cancelled" at the last minute because she was mad and giving me the silent treatment, but I went anyway.  I chose this counselor because she specializes in PD's (BPD and NPD) and put on her website that she specializes in helping the "high conflict couple".  I will continue using the tools, but now I'm going to the "tough love" stage as to not be used/stolen from anymore.  I will not pay her car notes any longer.  I realize after not paying the washer and dryer, she is in another extinction burst because she didn't get her way and trying to get me to bend to her will.  I won't.  I won't change in how I deal with her as far as communication, but I will deal differently regarding living my values and protecting myself.  She'll just have to get over it.  She commented right before the silent treatment again that she "could get used to the new me".  I think she ultimately has a problem with the new me because I don't give in and cater to her anymore.     
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« Reply #55 on: January 14, 2015, 07:37:46 AM »

 

Can you clarify what you will and won't pay for... .

If you guys have a good couple weeks... .will you purchase groceries?

Will you purchase groceries or spend on other things if she is being obvious about "blowing" her money.

With boundaries and "new decisions"... very important to be clear... .especially in your own mind.

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« Reply #56 on: January 14, 2015, 09:14:13 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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