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Author Topic: Living with a BF with undiagnosed BPD  (Read 391 times)
Lavendergrits

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together 18 months
Posts: 5



« on: January 11, 2015, 08:08:46 AM »

Hello to all. I am very grateful for the opportunity to join this group. I am looking forward to learning about BPD.

I moved in with my BF 16 months ago. We are both in our late 50's, I have two grown children and two grandchildren who do not live in the area. My BF has no children. We have both been married and divorced multiple times and decided early on that we would not get married for a variety of reasons.

BF was diagnosed with major depression about 10 years ago and is medicated. Depression has become his identity and his mantra for times when he is over feeling and unable to regulate. He is also a cutter and has been for a very long time. His cutting is seems to be limited to when he is not able to regulate which is about every two months. However, he has "accidents" that seem intentional that cause him physical harm. He is quite adventurous which I thought was very cool until I realized that kayaking in flood waters is not adventurous but risky behavior as are some of his other "adventures."

What attracted me to him was his gentleness with his horse and cat, his radical sense of individuality, ability to communicate emotions and seeming caring and seemingly good behavior however it was not long before his ability to control himself started slipping and small red flags started popping up.

Fast forward. He has become a rageaholic, self-centered, egotistical, arrogant man who could care less about me other than for sex and to wait on him and he seems to really enjoy the fact that in this community I hold a high profile position. He refuses to accept responsibility for  himself except when it puts him in a good light with others.

We live in a very rural area, 2200 people in the entire county. He is sixth generation local. Everyone knows him from his exploits including wearing very little clothing, sword making, guns, his horse (the horse died in November at age 30), and his mohawk. He refuses to socialize unless he picks the event because he wants to as he says maintain the mystic. He says that he will sometimes do crazy things to make people think he is crazy and to maintain the illusion. I refer to him by saying "there is the myth and the man" and the truth lies in between.

For several months I have been trying to figure out what the hell is happening in our relationship. I have been walking on egg-shells for months but even this is not enough to keep him from raging. Some of the things he says are so off the charts ridiculous that I can't even make sense of where he came up with them.

I started researching the Karpman Drama Triangle because I know that I am overly responsible and have codependent tendencies so I understand how I was drawn to him. But there was so much more going on with him and our relationship that I kept digging and that is how I learned about BPD. The more research I did the more I recognized him in the criteria. How to talk with him about this  was a huge challenge until found a fantastic video on Youtube about BPD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=967Ckat7f98  I knew that he had been researching cutting so I started the video at the segment called "it was like a cigarette break... ." that focused on cutting. He  agreed with the thoughts and emotions of those interviewed. From this point he chose to watch the entire video. When it was over I asked him what he felt. He said it fit him perfectly.

I gently suggested therapy he instantly gave me all the reasons why he would not participate in therapy and that it was me who needed the therapy. I told him that I was indeed seeking therapy for self growth and thought that it would help our relationship if we looked at this as an opportunity for growth. Needless to say this didn't go well. We also have the challenge in our community because we live in the mountains we are over 1 hour away from mental health services.  This fact alone contributes to a large segment of our population not receiving mental health services either because of geographic distance but more significantly because of income.

So. I am at the point that I really need support to either figure out if I am going to stay and if I do how do I live with a person with untreated personality disorder. Or do I leave.

Thank you all for your support!
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2015, 10:23:54 AM »

Hi Lavender,

It is difficult to find yourself in this situation. One of my concerns for me was what it is about me that gets me into the relationships I am in? You mentioned that you both have a history of multiple marriages, and have decided not to be married yet. One thing I did was to look back at other relationships- to see if there were any common themes that would tell me something about me. I also went to therapy to look at family of origin issues. You may find some answers about yourself and what to do by asking these questions.

Another question is if he can be there for you if you need him. One perspective that I am grateful for was being able to see my parents' BPD/codependent marriage though their elderly years. For one, my Dad loved my BPD mom. I am sure there was much more to the good times of their relationship than a child knows or should know. Dad was the caretaker, but what was scary was that at the end of his life, he got sick, while mom was healthy physically. He needed the caretaking- something she was not emotionally equiped to do. The fears and emotional aspects of his being ill were huge issues for all of us. This was a difficult time. Thankfully, my dad had made good financial arrangements so that mom now has enough for her needs.

However, Dad did not make arrangements for someone to take care of him. Medical personel thought he was home with his supportive wife who would help him with meals and other light household needs, and home health would do what she could not do. My parents were in denial that under the stress of this situation, my mother was not emotionally able to handle this and did not ask for additional help.

So, for you, being in your late 50's- I hope you have many healthy years ahead of you, however, one question to ask is who would you turn to for help if you needed it?
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Lavendergrits

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together 18 months
Posts: 5



« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2015, 07:08:15 PM »

Fantastic question! Very thought provoking! I will certainly be pondering this for a while. I can tell you when I needed support with a family issue about a year ago he was very unsupportive.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2015, 08:16:18 PM »

Hello lavendergrits, and  Welcome

You will find a lot of support and resources right here. My recommendation is that you try to read the lessons here and use the tools here, to improve your situation at home. Today. You are living with him, so you can work on making that go more smoothly for you and for him.

Many of us here have found that just by working on yourself, you can improve things a lot. I recommend it highly. Even if my marriage ends, and it may well soon, I will be very glad for all I've learned along the way.

I'd look at your question backwards:

So. I am at the point that I really need support to either figure out if I am going to stay and if I do how do I live with a person with untreated personality disorder. Or do I leave.

Take the support and resources you find here, and elsewhere on the internet, and figure out what you can do to make living with an untreated person with BPD work better.

Living with an untreated pwBPD when you know what is going on and have support is very different than living with a pwBPD and wondering if you are going NUTS!

Once you start figuring out what that is like, you can better decide to stay or leave.

 GK
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