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Author Topic: Advice for starting a job  (Read 440 times)
Notwendy
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« on: January 11, 2015, 09:58:27 AM »

When my H and I were first married, we both had careers. We knew we wanted a family, and that I would likely work part time. I did this for many years, but once the children came along, it was very difficult to do both. Eventually, having taken on the entire role of taking care of the house and kids, and enduring my H's anger and verbal abuse, I became depressed. Fortunately, my income was not a large contribution to our household and I was able to stay home. I think this is probably one of the best decisions I made in terms of the kids, because as an overworked and stressed mom, I was not able to meet their needs. Staying home, I could meet their needs, even if many of mine were being neglected.

My H of course always says he supported my career, however, his actions betrayed his real need to have me around all the time. The first time I brought the family to a professional conference, he agreed to do family activities with the kids while I attended the meetings. I had no idea- this took me entirely off guard- but as soon as we were in the hotel, he raged and refused to watch the kids, leaving me stranded. I thought this was an insolated incident- not understanding what was going on- but this happened again two more times, the same thing until I realized that I should go alone and make other arrangements for the kids.

When I stopped working, I didn't stop doing things, but there were blow ups over going to Zumba, a 12 step meeting, a religous school retreat (" you might meet someone" ). Basically the pattern is that if I am very excited and happy about something, and it doesn't include him, to him, he interprets this as not being as interested in him and it is triggering. Once I was excited about seeing an old friend who I grew up with as a brother to me. This friend was married, and the relationship was never romantic. However, my excitement over seeing someone I had not seen in years was misinterpreted and led to a horrible scene. In many cases I avoided these blow ups by not doing anything, but my T pointed out how co-dependent and self descructive this was. I have never cheated on my H and have no intention of doing that, but that doesn't mean that an interest in anything or anyone won't trigger that fear.

My kids are older, and my H knows that I am not happy staying home when the kids don't need me there all the time. For a long time he has come across as the nice supportive husband encouraging me to go back to work if I want. So after many applications, thank goodness, I will start a part time position next week. He knows I am excited and has been acting like my cheerleader. It would seem that all is good but I know better. This is a huge change in his life. It doesn't pay enough to be the kind of threat that would make him seem I would go off on my own, he will have no responsibilities to take on such as house or kids,  but it is going to take time away from being at home, I will be meeting new people, and probably most triggering- I am very excited and happy about this.

Help or advice is appreciated-



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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2015, 04:33:30 PM »

hi notwendy and congratulations on your new position!

if your husband does react badly, have you prepared for validation and boundary setting?
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2015, 07:21:37 PM »

My advice is be prepared for him to blow up. You expect him to.

Be prepared to go to work anyway.

Be prepared to enforce boundaries to protect yourself from his blow-ups.

And keep sticking to the boundary that you will live your life, with other people and other things besides your husband.

Good luck. When do you start?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2015, 08:00:39 PM »

It starts in a week! Thanks for the replies. I thought back about how invalidating my reactions were to the times when he said he was supportive but didn't act like it. At the time I was surprised and didn't understand why. I could not make sense of why someone so competent at work would sabotage me at the last minute so I reacted by trying to talk it out , ask why, JADE, or get emotionally distraught. Now I know that these won't work well.

I expect this will happen two ways - one might be a blowup but the other ways would be to slowly get to my self esteem by being critical or the ST.

I will try to be more validating of his feelings and not so reactive . No JADE.

My boundary is that I will do my job and also take steps to protect it by leaving the house early to avoid last minute set ups , not rely on him to be part of me getting there (child care is not a concern ). I will also try to do as much preparation and reading for the job there or in the library so that I don't encounter drama over needing to do this at home.

I also can have friends and interests of my own.

Thanks!
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2015, 01:16:53 AM »

Wow. This strikes me as the ultimate "walking on eggshells. " Starting a new job is a joy and a challenge. You need to gear up and have a successful start up by doing some preparation and focusing on building relationships ( boss and co-workers in particular). You don't need the BPD distraction... .and you especially don't need to waste a lot of time and energy ( and squander your joy) by projecting negative reactions which may not even happen. It sounds like his negativity is so imactful that you live in anticipation of it. You don't deserve to be in that mindset.

Enjoy your new job, and prep for negativity or tantrums on his part . Prepare to exercise validation  and ,  and then stop projecting into the future. Enjoy  your new job one day at a time. THEO
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2015, 04:17:19 AM »

I agree with you in that the negativity does impact me. The ultimate walking on eggshells was to not do anything- decide not to see a friend or try to work if it upset the family in some way. Staying home with the kids was in part, a way to reduce the overall stress on them and me. It did reduce the tension in the house, and they were feeling it. Protecting kids is my priority, but they are away at school now. This makes me more vulnerable to being raged at too, but I reinforced them by trying to avoid things that upset him.

In T, I have learned not to avoid doing things. Since when setting a boundary, things can get worse before they get better, I have experienced that certain things tend to trigger him. I generally take people at their word and don't predict things in the future. If someone says they are happy for me, I believe them. However, the way my H manipulates me is by acting very nice while hiding his feelings.

This has happened so many times - he says he's supportive but then does the opposite, that I feel I need to take steps to protect my ability to do my job.

It's like having a lifeboat on a cruise ship. I don't know how this will go. Most cruise ships don't sink, but they have a plan and take the passengers out to practice it. Things might be fine, but I am dealing with an unpredictable person, so I would feel better having some plan and learning better ways to deal with the rages and other manipulations than what I did in the past.

The negativity is real. Since starting T, I do go to meetings, see friends, and many times, it goes fine, but the rage can come out of the blue. I know it can happen because it is that cyclic pattern.

This is a new job for me, but I want to do well, and devote energy to it, not be at home diverting potential rages. So it is probably better for me to set some space away from home to prepare.

It isn't ideal. If anyone wonders why I tolerated this for so long, this is Disneyland compared to how I grew up. I really had no idea of what "normal" was and this looked a lot more normal.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2015, 07:04:49 AM »

One reason I was attracted to my H was because of his calm, cool demeaner, which was the opposite of my highly emotional FOO. However, sometimes the other extreme isn't a healthy boundary either. Ideally, we should let the healthy in and keep the unhealthy out. Weak boundaries like those in my family have let too much in and out. Too strong ones don't let anything get in or out. I took these weak boundaries into relationships.

My H has extremely strong boundaries. I thought his exterior controlled demeanor was him, which is why I surely invalidated his feelings since I didn't know what they were. I have violated his boundaries by my expectations to be more open and sharing about feelings and I have backed off. Now, he is more open about his fears and I try to be empathetic.

I think he does have good intentions to be supportive of me, but in the midst of feeling strong emotions, the feeling is reality to him. If he thinks he is being rejected, insulted, he really believes at the moment that I am attacking him and causing these feelings and he rages to "fight back". Being that I am often unaware of his real feelings, these events can feel as if they are coming out of the blue. The T is working on him controlling this. I have seen him get triggered and then catch it. This is good. My part is to change how I react to him and to be more respectful of his boundaries.

As to projecting into the future. I can be wrong, but I like to be prepared so I can manage my own feelings better. The other day, I went to a funeral in the evening- which is obviously not a scheduled event, so it was out of the normal routine and he stayed home alone.

One the way home, I thought this might be a trigger. He seemed a little agitated when I walked in, but he acted pleasant. The old me would have picked up on the agitation and started asking "are you OK?". This would mean talking about his feelings, and that doesn't work. My asking him to talk when he is upset is me violating his boundaries, something I frequently have done in the past. I just gave him a kiss and said hello. Later he asked a few questions- and the most frequent one: " did you see anyone there" . I mentioned some names of a few people we knew. There were no rages.


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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2015, 07:01:15 AM »

Some follow up to this question, and this gets into intimacy and communications issues, as well as my co-dependent tendencies to step in and anticipate and "fix" his bad feelings.

One way my H gets some of  his rages out is passively. Sometimes they come out of the blue, but many times they start by me being concerned about him and trying to start a conversation with him. Then, he blames his concerns on me, I start to JADE, he gets angry- I cry and get emotional because I am so frustrated trying to talk to him. He remains the calm logical one and I am the one that looks crazy because I'm upset.

My parents had intimacy issues and my mom told me way TMI about them. One of them was using "sex as a weapon". It was something I swore to myself that I would never do in relationship. It seemed to be so destructive. I was not prepared for this to be something my H does, but he does. In addition, we are not teens, and there is some ED issues. I know this is embarassing, but also something that can happen along the way. Being post menopausal I can relate to the loss of hormonal functions. However, I also think that in healthy loving marriages, communication is better. At any rate, sexual issues are usually blamed on me.

My H will not reveal his wants or needs. This is how his FOO operates as well as it makes him feel vulnerable. Unlike my BPD mom who is always expressing her emotions, my H operates on strict control. The times he expresses his emotions are when I am at the point of being out of control emotionally. That is his window- so that he is still the one in control. My attempting to talk to him, not getting anything besides circular speech or some other block, and then crying is when he gets his emotions out.

My H, who many times has said I don't give him "enough" intimacy ( I have no idea what "enough" means for him, if we agree on that, it changes.  "Enough" is whatever he thinks it is - it could mean we did it yesterday and the next day he says I "never" is being wonderfully supportive of me while I start my job. He is being very nice to me. We are getting along quite well. He is also showing no interest in me physically whatsoever, for a few weeks now. I've intitiated things a couple of times- something he is critical of me for not doing enough, and while he goes along with my initiations, and seems OK with it, there is nothing from him.

I have read the "Stop Caretaking... ." book. My tendencies of course are to try to fix this, but this is his idea, not mine, and it is up to him to tell me what he wants ( not sure that's going to happen). However, this being nice on the outside makes me uncomfortable. I am trying to pay attention to my own feelings of FOG.

So we were watching a movie and there were some love scenes, so it got a bit like the elephant in the room and I said "hey we haven't done this in a while, are you OK with that? " to which I get the "I'm fine" response. So I said "this concerns me and it is important to me to know what you want". Asking him what he wants doesn't usually work, so I didn't expect a response, however, I told him how I felt. The next reply was " I am trying to give you space as you start your new job, you've been tired... .and the one I usually hear " You don't let me know if you are interested". My reply was that I did initiate the last couple of times ( I realize this is JADE, so I stopped). He said "well I'm not keeping track".

I feel good that this didn't lead to a breakdown as the temptation was for me to JADE more, so I simply said " I understand what has been going on with me ( sort of a validation since it is what he said- he didn't express any feelings other than "OK" and so I didn't argue his point), I appreciate you telling me that you are OK with how this is. It would help me to know when you are interested. "

I didn't get upset or take it personally like I used to. I am trying to stay strong, as I think one of my co-dependent traits is to express his feelings for him, and bring them out into the open so that he doesn't have to. This is very hard for me not to do. I prefer direct and honest conversation, and so I am likely to do this, bring out the bad feelings and then get blamed for starting trouble. I am trying to be responsible for my feelings but not his.

Thoughts?  I could use some advice here as I feel that my emotional buttons are being  pushed and I need to stay strong myself. I can tolerate that sometimes he may not want to, is tired, as I can be that way too. However, he gave me no indication of how he feels other than "I'm fine" and I will accept his explanation. His needs and feelings are his business. I am just being aware of a common emotional trap and am trying not to get into this. I am sane enough to not think feelings are real, and hope to get some advice on how to stay calm.




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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2015, 07:43:16 AM »

I meant to say that I know that just because I feel something, I know that doesn't make it real, although feeling one's feelings is real. I have to learn that just because he feels something is my fault, that doesn't mean it is. This way I know I can validate his feelings while not getting into JADE.

Yet, I get subtle feelings that I am being baited in a way. One thing he brought up in a rage was that I said some critical things about his family. I understood that this could be hurtful to him. I decided I would not engage in this with him. He does have some crazy characters in his family, but he also feels that talking about this is somehow not being loyal to his family, and he goes back and forth with talking about them.

My boundary is that what his FOO does is really none of my business unless they directly engage me, and so I choose not to discuss this. I told him I would not discuss his family like this.

It's hard to know how seriously to take what is said in rages, but this is something I choose to do, for me. Focusing on others instead of myself is my co-dependent problem. I choose not to put my focus on his family. I told him I would not talk about them like this.

Since then, he has brought up his family several times talking about some crazy anticts of some of them. I validate him by saying I get what he is feeling. If he says he thinks something is crazy, I say " I understand that you feel this is crazy" ( although I agree that I think it is pretty crazy too). I do not offer my own opinion of it.  I have no idea if this is some way to bait me into an argument, or his forgetting what he said. It doesn't matter. It's my boundary.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2015, 07:55:31 AM »

notwendy, what do YOU want and need regarding intimacy with your husband?

Not what is your fairy-tale marriage like, or what do you imagine he will be like when completely cured of BPD. What do you want from him, the guy he is today, that he might possibly take a step toward today or tomorrow? I see a few separate areas you mention:

You mention a lack of physical intimacy (sex) which seems to be coming from him. Bluntly, how often would you like sex with him? How does that compare to how often you get it?

Is it satisfying? Does it turn into a fight when ED problems crop up? Do you want him to initiate more? Do you want something else from him?


You don't mention it... .do you want physical intimacy (other than sex) with him--cuddling, hugging, etc?


Emotional intimacy is another issue. He seems unable to share his feelings with you. When it becomes time to TALK about the difficulties that show up regarding to sex, this seems to blow up badly at you. What do you want from him in this realm?


I could suggest various ways of validating and improving the situation... .and I think you already know many of those tools... .however I want to start by challenging you to state clearly what YOU want that is different from the situation you have today.


Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Glad he's being (reasonably) supportive about the job now, at least!
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2015, 08:06:59 AM »

(cross-posted with you!)

Since then, he has brought up his family several times talking about some crazy anticts of some of them. I validate him by saying I get what he is feeling. If he says he thinks something is crazy, I say " I understand that you feel this is crazy" ( although I agree that I think it is pretty crazy too). I do not offer my own opinion of it.

This is good validation. I'm going to suggest that perhaps you take it to the next level (if you can), and try to validate how he FEELS about the crazy antics in his FOO, not just that he thinks they are behaving in a crazy way.

If his feelings aren't clear about it, it is dangerous to "guess" what he's feeling, especially if you are wrong. Instead you can validate by showing interest and asking him more about his feelings regarding this incident.

Since you've already got some conflicts with him where you try to get him to share his feelings (especially feelings about YOU), and he doesn't want to, you need to be careful how you go about it, and how you are feeling when you do it.

If you are probing to find what he's feeling, it will probably blow up, because it feels like a challenge to him.

If you are genuinely interested in how he's dealing with his FOO... .and are able to show interest and empathy for what he does reveal, the validation will feel much better to him.

This is a subtle difference. You need to be grounded to stay on the right side of it. As soon as you start to feel a bit triggered or agitated, be prepared to back off, hopefully before things blow up.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Good job not offering an opinion on how crazy you think his FOO is!
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Notwendy
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« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2015, 08:25:34 AM »

GK- what I want as far as intimacy goes is hard to describe. I think there is a general ebb and flow to this in a long term relationship where it is frequent some times and not in others. I think sex is a basic part of marriage and that it should be there, however, I don't think it is a good idea to define how often in absolute terms. If a spouse is tired, stressed, or not feeling well at times, I think part of intimacy is understanding that if things are good in general, then this doesn't mean a rejection or a threat to a relationship.

Knowing what I want is hard to know since my own thoughts and feelings have been messed with along the way. Although we did have other relationships before we were married, I was not the most experienced in that area and my H is my only partner for over 30 years. I have no idea what a healthy relationship would be like. Fidelity is an important value to me, and so I don't want to seek this out anywhere else, and besides, if my boundaries aren't strong enough for a healthy relationship, who knows what craziness I might get myself into.

I think a healthy physical relationship has to include good communication. I realize that some times a spouse may want or need more than another, and with good communication, this can be worked out. However, since our communcation is the larger problem, I don't know how we can work out something so emotional as this.

My experience with my H has ranged from his not having anything to do with me for weeks on end, to constantly expecting it and raging if I say no once in a while- even if he knows it is not because of him- such as the occasional bladder infection- which thankfully is rare with me. If I ask him what is often enough, he could say twice a week and then ignore me. You are correct that asking him what he wants is not likely to go well. He will tell me I don't initiate enough and then when I do, he will reject me.

What I have decided is if I am interested, I will let him know. This is what happened the last couple of times. It is a new change for me. I used to do this because I thought this is what he wanted. I just decided I would be myself and be ready to accept that what he does is not up to me. I have to admit though, that many times, I have initiated this in order to keep him from raging at me. If this need is met for him, there is less anger. However, it is very hard for me to distinguish what I want in terms of desire or a peaceful evening.  

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Notwendy
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« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2015, 08:46:13 AM »

I want to add that his seeming to be disinterested in me is one of his ways of acting out something he isn't happy about. I don't do this to him, but I understand that he may assume that I am doing this if I say "no". Having an advance rejected for any reason is hurtful- for all of us, and I think this requires understanding and an ability to manage our own feelings. I admit this isn't easy, since having been rejected as punishment makes these moments feel pretty bad.

He has admitted to holding back to see "how much I really want it", sort of as a test of me. He has also admitted that coercing me into it when I don't seem to be interested makes him feel desired since he knows I have made the extra effort.

This is all so wierd to me and over the years has just messed with my emotions. Remember, I have had poor boundaries and have accepted his blaming me for any problems, including the fact that he has told me I don't meet his expectations in the bedroom. I have never told him that, because I was not. I was quite happy with our physical relationship and he seemed to be too. He never said otherwise. I was quite concerned when he seemed to switch off on me, which I look back at his going through the devaluation stage after appearing to be happy with me. This came as a shock and I believed him when he said it was my fault. Now, he says he realizes that he is happy with me, but it is hard to know what he is feeling.

We have discussed the fact that some of his expectations of me may have been based on porn. I don't think he watches a lot of it, nor do I suspect it is much of a problem. I think most people have taken a look at it on occasion, and even my group of girlfriends in college looked at some out of curiosity to see what it is all about, but I am not interested in  it past wondering what it was.  I think for my H it is more about him having unrealistic expectations that his wife will meet his wishes all the time. I am not a prude, but I am real, and porn isn't real. I think he gets this on an intellectual level.

However, if one can imagine that he is my one and only for as long as I can remember, the effects of being criticized, ignored, feelings messed with, have taken a toll on my self esteem.
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« Reply #13 on: January 21, 2015, 09:06:45 AM »

GK- what I want as far as intimacy goes is hard to describe. I think there is a general ebb and flow to this in a long term relationship where it is frequent some times and not in others. I think sex is a basic part of marriage and that it should be there, however, I don't think it is a good idea to define how often in absolute terms. If a spouse is tired, stressed, or not feeling well at times, I think part of intimacy is understanding that if things are good in general, then this doesn't mean a rejection or a threat to a relationship.

Knowing what I want is hard to know since my own thoughts and feelings have been messed with along the way. Although we did have other relationships before we were married, I was not the most experienced in that area and my H is my only partner for over 30 years. I have no idea what a healthy relationship would be like.

You are correct--it is not a good idea to define exactly how often you should have sex with your husband and be inflexible about it. How often you have sex with your husband is something to be negotiated between you and him. (Your answer respects this)

He won't tell you what he wants, what he is feeling, and plays games with you over it.

You sound like you don't even know what you want.

If you and he go into negotiations from this position, there is about zero chance of anybody being satisfied with the outcome.

You can only work on yourself here. So set HIS issues aside for a moment and try to figure out what YOU want. I'd recommend you think about specific and fairly graphic details, how often, what acts, how it is initiated, etc... .even if you aren't comfortable posting all those details here.

Try starting here:

I was quite happy with our physical relationship and he seemed to be too.

Identify how things have changed since you were happy with them, and think back to how it was, and whether you would be happy again if that resumed.

Another possibility is that you are now finding that a physical relationship isn't satisfying to you when the emotional intimacy isn't there.

This is some tough stuff for you to explore. 

I've understand that it won't magically happen that way. It will take effort and negotiations. It may take compromise where you only get part of what you want. However unless you are clear about what you want, you are very unlikely to get it!
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« Reply #14 on: January 21, 2015, 09:06:56 AM »

I don't want to read too much into this, but I am thinking that this recent behavior is about the conflict in him. He knows how much I want to have this job, and he knows he must appear supportive. However, my focus on something outside the home, my following my own interests, is something he has not been comfortable with in the past.
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« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2015, 09:09:22 AM »

"Another possibility is that you are now finding that a physical relationship isn't satisfying to you when the emotional intimacy isn't there. "

You totally have it right there, GK. If I did find that a physical relationship without emotional intimacy was satisfying, then that is something I would have considered in my single years when there was the opportunity. My reasons for not doing this were exactly that I didn't enjoy that.

My reasons for pursuing a physical relationship in marriage is that I know it is an important aspect of any bond, even if emotional bonds are not as consistent. I know that fidelity is important to my H and I appreciate that. I think for him, sex is the only way he can really connect with me, and I understand that. Since we can not talk about things that are intimate, cutting off this connection is further distancing us, and I am still in this relationship and don't want to do that.
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« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2015, 09:20:10 AM »

It just occurred to me that since he doesn't tell me how he feels, talking is not his first mode of communication. Since sex is his way of connecting with me, then cutting off this connection may be how he manages his feelings about me starting a job.

I have decided not to bring this up again. If I want to initiate it, fine, then he can do what he wants to do. He says he is "fine" and I have to accept that. To try to elicit anything more would not be wise.

Mostly I am trying to stay calm in a situation where it isn't easy for me to do so, but I must.

It helps to talk here and not keep this all in my thoughts. Thanks.
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« Reply #17 on: January 21, 2015, 02:04:07 PM »

I don't want to read too much into this, but I am thinking that this recent behavior is about the conflict in him. He knows how much I want to have this job, and he knows he must appear supportive. However, my focus on something outside the home, my following my own interests, is something he has not been comfortable with in the past.

I am coming a little late to the thread but I did have a thought about this. This is based on my own experiences and how I feel when my husband gets excited over things. I try to share in his excitement and validate him. The problem that I have when he gets excited over some things is that he doesn't get that excited over me. When I am excited about something, he doesn't share in that excitement. A good question to ask yourself might be: "When was the last time I was truly excited over something related to him?" (In all honesty, I have gotten to a point where I am not really interested in his stuff. So, I think, in my case, it is a situation where both people have kind of lost interest in the other and are trying to look outward rather than inward.)

Congratulations on the new job! I was like you and hadn't worked outside the house for years. When I got my current job, I was a walking ball of fear and had all of these questions like: What should I wear? What if I mess up? Are my coworkers going to like me? Am I going to be able to keep from falling apart?

It is weird, there will be days when I will be overcome with fear when I go to work. For some reason, I am so afraid that I will walk into work and have them tell me they don't need me any more. I didn't even know to prepare for some of those things because I had no idea that I had gotten so out of whack.

And, I had to overcome feeling guilty because the nights that I worked were the same nights that my husband has a men's group. He has to be with the kids or arrange babysitting on his own if he wants to go to his group. It took a bit of time to get over feeling guilty about that because the first thing he told me when I got my job offer along with my hours was, "What about me and my meetings?" In that moment, I felt like a balloon that somebody had taken a stick pin to. All excitement was deflated. That was almost a year ago. Things are fine and we have worked out a nice little system but there are still days when I have to confront my fears. Sometimes it is a fear of going to work and getting bad news and sometimes it is a fear of coming home and walking into a hornets nest.

Good luck!

The physical intimacy stuff is a lot more tricky. I wasn't able to really articulate what I wanted in that department for years. I am still not sure that I can fully articulate it. What has helped me was to look at the relationship that I had before I was with my husband and see why I felt satisfied with the physical aspects of that relationship. It wasn't about frequency or intensity or anything like that. For me, it was about feeling connected to the person that I was with. It was the sweet flirting that we would do that built up to being intimate. It was the cuddling before, during, and after. It was the way he looked at me. And, it was the fact that there was a lot of mutual initiation. That was only a two year relationship but I was able to identify that those small cutesie things have been absent in my relationship with my husband. The piece that I feel like I have been missing is the lack of connection. Without that emotional connection, I don't have much desire for the physical stuff. For years, I tried to do the physical stuff with my husband hoping that it would lead to the emotional. I had it backwards. I need the emotional FIRST and foremost or I am not going to feel very satisfied.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #18 on: January 21, 2015, 03:17:07 PM »

A good question to ask yourself might be: "When was the last time I was truly excited over something related to him?" (In all honesty, I have gotten to a point where I am not really interested in his stuff. So, I think, in my case, it is a situation where both people have kind of lost interest in the other and are trying to look outward rather than inward.)

Congratulations on the new job! I was like you and hadn't worked outside the house for years. When I got my current job, I was a walking ball of fear and had all of these questions like: What should I wear? What if I mess up? Are my coworkers going to like me? Am I going to be able to keep from falling apart?

It is weird, there will be days when I will be overcome with fear when I go to work. For some reason, I am so afraid that I will walk into work and have them tell me they don't need me any more. I didn't even know to prepare for some of those things because I had no idea that I had gotten so out of whack.

And, I had to overcome feeling guilty because the nights that I worked were the same nights that my husband has a men's group. He has to be with the kids or arrange babysitting on his own if he wants to go to his group. It took a bit of time to get over feeling guilty about that because the first thing he told me when I got my job offer along with my hours was, "What about me and my meetings?" In that moment, I felt like a balloon that somebody had taken a stick pin to. All excitement was deflated. That was almost a year ago. Things are fine and we have worked out a nice little system but there are still days when I have to confront my fears. Sometimes it is a fear of going to work and getting bad news and sometimes it is a fear of coming home and walking into a hornets nest.



The physical intimacy stuff is a lot more tricky. I wasn't able to really articulate what I wanted in that department for years. I am still not sure that I can fully articulate it. What has helped me was to look at the relationship that I had before I was with my husband and see why I felt satisfied with the physical aspects of that relationship. It wasn't about frequency or intensity or anything like that. For me, it was about feeling connected to the person that I was with. It was the sweet flirting that we would do that built up to being intimate. It was the cuddling before, during, and after. It was the way he looked at me. And, it was the fact that there was a lot of mutual initiation. That was only a two year relationship but I was able to identify that those small cutesie things have been absent in my relationship with my husband. The piece that I feel like I have been missing is the lack of connection. Without that emotional connection, I don't have much desire for the physical stuff. For years, I tried to do the physical stuff with my husband hoping that it would lead to the emotional. I had it backwards. I need the emotional FIRST and foremost or I am not going to feel very satisfied.

I think I felt very much like you did in your previous relationship with my H. I think what happened next was that he painted me black, and treated me horribly for several years, until I burned out. He did do a sort of turnaround when he realized he had pushed me too far. I have no idea what made him do that. Maybe it is because I was still present physically, but not emotionally.

When he did paint me black, he took all the emotion out of the relationship. He actually told me he was not interested in emotions- not sure what he meant by that or if he just said it in a rage. Sometimes he just says stuff in the moment and forgets it, but I remembered it since I had no idea I may be dealing with someone who was disregulated. Sex, for years, was simply a way to keep peace in the house. I was too burnt out emotionally to be invested. Sometimes he'd be interested, sometimes not, sometimes I could do nothing right. Those were awful years. I was so depressed and co-dependent I had no idea why this man could be so great to everyone else except me. He was also hardly home- and worked late hours. To be honest, there was a co-worker who thought he hung the moon. She was pretty inappropriate about her behavior towards him. He did admit that she tried to seduce him. I have always suspected there was possibly more to that, not that he would ever admit it. He swears nothing happened. She moved out of town.  I know nothing like this is going on now, and he has not acted like that for years.

However, these years disconnected my own emotions from the physical act, as well as just sent my self esteem to pieces. I can hardly remember what being connected to someone emotionally felt like. I had such poor boundaries that the boyfriend I had in college was probably worse. The thing about college is that it never gets to the commitment level a marriage does ,and it was also not the best of relationships. He came from an alcoholic family and while he was not abusive or mean to me, he did send a lot of mixed signals- being serious and then changing his mind, acting like he wanted things to be long term and then deciding he needed distance.

I know myself well enough that I need the emotional connection before the physical. He says he does too, however, I am still recovering myself from these years and only beginning to feel some confidence about myself.

You are correct that it is also hard for me to be excited about what he does. Some of that is the barriers he puts up. He doesn't like me getting involved with his jobs, and his hobbies are those that I am not interested in. However, I don't believe we have to share all our interests, and encourage him to pursue his. We do share some common ones too.

Yes, I am both excited and scared about the new job. I want it to work out so badly, and will give it my best shot. It isn't the highest paying one, but it is a foot in the door after years of being at home. It will pay far more in sanity and self esteem for me.

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« Reply #19 on: January 21, 2015, 03:38:40 PM »

* college meaning when you live in the dorms, don't have to be concerned about meals, bills, children, and are basically so young that marriage is not on the table. I met my H later in school.
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