How am I supposed to react?

[foxangel82]

My husband has BPD and pretty low self-esteem. How should I react when he is repeatedly saying that "nobody likes me" and "I'm weird, I'm ugly, no one wants to be my friend". I know that we have a large group of friends and there are people that care about him but he can't seem to be reasoned with. I do agree that he may not have as many close or best friends as he would like but with his social anxiety I'm not sure what steps to recommend he take to change this.

I am more worried about how to respond myself. I get tired of what I deem to be his teenage girl "fishing for compliments" antics. I don't think it's right to ignore his comments but his black and white thinking is hard to deal with.

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[jhkbuzz]

My husband has BPD and pretty low self-esteem. How should I react when he is repeatedly saying that "nobody likes me" and "I'm weird, I'm ugly, no one wants to be my friend". I know that we have a large group of friends and there are people that care about him but he can't seem to be reasoned with. I do agree that he may not have as many close or best friends as he would like but with his social anxiety I'm not sure what steps to recommend he take to change this.

I am more worried about how to respond myself. I get tired of what I deem to be his teenage girl "fishing for compliments" antics. I don't think it's right to ignore his comments but his black and white thinking is hard to deal with.

Do you know anything about communicating with S.E.T. techniques?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

[Grey Kitty]

If you agree with "nobody likes me" or similar comments, you are validating the invalid. Don't do it that way.

Instead, try to validate the underlying feeling that brought up the comment in the first place.

He probably feels unlovable, or unwanted, or ignored, or something similar. You might be able to identify the feeling and validate it.

Perhaps better is to ask him why he feels that way. If you do, make sure that you are doing it with an honest interest in what he's thinking/feeling... .NOT a desire to point out how wrong he is.

His answer will probably lead you either to another question like that... .or to the feeling he's having which you can validate.

[foxangel82]

If you agree with "nobody likes me" or similar comments, you are validating the invalid. Don't do it that way.

Instead, try to validate the underlying feeling that brought up the comment in the first place.

He probably feels unlovable, or unwanted, or ignored, or something similar. You might be able to identify the feeling and validate it.

Perhaps better is to ask him why he feels that way. If you do, make sure that you are doing it with an honest interest in what he's thinking/feeling... .NOT a desire to point out how wrong he is.

His answer will probably lead you either to another question like that... .or to the feeling he's having which you can validate.

Perhaps better is to ask him why he feels that way. If you do, make sure that you are doing it with an honest interest in what he's thinking/feeling... .NOT a desire to point out how wrong he is.

His answer will probably lead you either to another question like that... .or to the feeling he's having which you can validate.[/quote]
I understand how he can feel the way that he does.  I know deep down he feels unlovable.  It can be hurtful because clearly I love him but that's not enough for him.

It is often the two of us that will plan activities for our group of friends and invite other people to join.  It's hard to be the friend that needs to do all the "work" over and over again. He wants people to show initiative that they are interested in him but our friends seem too lazy or busy to plan things.  His quest to make friends is unending.  My feeling is he should try to be better friends with the people he already knows but he seems to be after quantity and not quality.

In terms of SET, I'm not really sure what the truth of this would be.  On the one hand I can understand his frustration and agree that our friends should make more of an effort but they are people I cannot control.  I'm sure if he had his way he would be doing something social everyday but I don't find that realistic and I'm not sure how to point that out.  His research project at work is not going well and I feel like he wants to distract himself with this instead of focusing on his job.

[Grey Kitty]

If you are concerned about how to deal with his statements, I'll stick with validation as my recommendation.

It is often the two of us that will plan activities for our group of friends and invite other people to join.  It's hard to be the friend that needs to do all the "work" over and over again. He wants people to show initiative that they are interested in him but our friends seem too lazy or busy to plan things.  His quest to make friends is unending.  My feeling is he should try to be better friends with the people he already knows but he seems to be after quantity and not quality.

I'm not quite sure I understand your concern here... .there are a few possibilities that would lead in different directions.

Are you happy with the amount of social time for yourself?

Are you happy with the quality and quantity of friends you have?

Do you feel that your friendships are one-sided?

Do you go out for social encounters together? Some of the time? All of the time?